A Heartful of Eternity

finding the fruit

2011-07-29T13:26:00.005-04:00

The air is still now. Fans hum gently, but the voices and the feet, hands, tears and giggles are stilled. Three small girls rest in three small beds.

And I stand here, wondering at the morning, the words spoken and tears shed and smiles shared and voices raised.

Imperfect is far too gentle a word.

I am at once compelled to confess and desperate that no one find out. How broken I really am.

Little arms raised for a hug, and I obliged, but cringed inside - I've been touched too much today. Where is love?
Tiny voices laughed a sweet, silly song. I did not look up. Where is joy?
Questions were repeated, small hands tugged on my pants, and I was irritated. Where is peace?
Cups were spilled, pants were wet, there were lessons to be learned and hearts to train, and I was inconvenienced. Where is patience?
My voice was sharp, words came fast, anger bubbled quick. Where is kindness?
Sandwiches, grapes, blueberries were handed out willingly but without a smile or a hug. Where is goodness?
I yelled at my little girl today, and the reason doesn't matter. Where is gentleness?
The Spirit spoke words of conviction to me and I ignored them, wondering at myself as I acted against His will... where is faithfulness?
The girls were screaming, fighting for a toy, and I grabbed it away, tossing it aside, scolding them for selfishness and unkindness. WHERE is self-control??

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. Against such things there is no law...

So undeserving, so disobedient. I know the Truth. I know what gives life and joy and I know what steals it away. Why is it not easier to find these fruits of the Spirit?

Why is it not easier?

Because I am the unlovable who is loved. Patience is not patience if nothing is testing it and undeserved kindness is what changes hearts.

In the moments when I think I cannot meet another need, cannot wipe another nose or hand, cannot extend any more grace, it strikes me. Whatever I do for the least of His children, I do for Him. How can a call to serve my children exasperate me when I am unworthy to untie His sandals? Jesus deserves better than the likes of me... why is it that I seem to think His daughters do not? Why do I think my life is so small?

His grace washes over me - I have been forgiven. The record is clean. This morning's ugliness is washed, stainless.

I take a deep breath, steady myself. He has deemed me worthy. I am holy, chosen and dearly loved by the God who hung the stars and spoke the mountains into place. I am incapable of undoing His work. He shall reign.

Today, He is asking me to love His children. To bend low, to serve, to set aside myself and discover that true love is found among the crumbs under the table and joy among the toys scattered on the floor. Peace is in the eyes of little girls and patience is finding thankfulness for the moments. Kindness, goodness and gentleness are sprinkled in bowls filled with pretzels and cups of water. Faithfulness is found in the pages of books, pulled off the shelves and read slowly, snuggled deep in couch cushions. And self-control pours itself out with the tears of frustrated children.

The grace, the love. It is everywhere. I simply need to look.

Eucharisteo

2011-05-18T10:45:00.002-04:00

Today, I am grateful...

1. spring rain's clean scent
2. baby girls falling asleep peacefully on living room pillows
3. sisters holding hands
4. helping hands at the grocery store
5. generosity of neighbors
6. plants growing from seeds pushed into dirt by tiny hands
7. sudden, silent snuggles from my middle daughter
8. white chocolate mocha creamer in my half-caff coffee
9. text messages from dear friends
10. ability to lift up prayers for my friends

Big and small, elaborate and mundane, clearly spiritual and seemingly inconsequential - my life is littered with gifts of grace from my Father.

It seems easier, in these days of the constancy of caring for small children, easier to complain, to notice the pain and the hardship and the lack. I can't help but wonder - if it's really easier, why does everything weigh so heavily?

And so, I am seeking them out - naming the gifts, pausing to think on them, and marveling at the intricacies of this world, created by Him who holds all things together. Not that the hard, painful, lonely things cease to exist - but that they are swimming in an ocean of good gifts, things to which I can cling and remain afloat as waves crash around me.

It is all grace, all a gift.

introduction

2011-02-05T13:14:00.002-05:00

I'm beginning to realize how often we meet something new in our day-to-day lives. New people, new places, new food, new challenges... so frequently we are being introduced to an unknown.

Sometimes we are changed very little by the experience - it is simply a blip on the day's radar and passes without much more thought.

Other introductions press their way into the frames of our lives, moving walls and setting up residence. These introductions are usually more intense, more difficult, more joyful...

It's my abundant pleasure to introduce Ruby Suzanne Burley - the newest resident in our little world. God gave her to us at 6:10am on February 2, 2011 (in the middle of a blizzard). Our little 21.5 inch, 8lb 2oz bundle has rewritten the fabric of our lives, just as her two beautiful sisters did before her. Nothing will be the same again.

smiles

2010-12-03T01:51:00.004-05:00

A beautiful princess

My girls

Sweet face, with a mouthful of sweet donut

Happiness is... a cider donut :)

sisterly love

She's a goofball. I'm sure it's ALL from her daddy.

order of events

2010-12-03T01:35:00.002-05:00

Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."
John 14:23

I wonder, often, about the little roadmap of cause and effect I have drawn up in my own little brain.

How frequently do I wait for something to happen in order that I might respond to it?

Upon examination, I find that being the something that happens doesn't even blip on the radar of this little roadmap.

Why not?

According to my Jesus - the only impetus I need to act is love. My love for Him will move me to act. My love for others moves me to act. It is not simply a matter of waiting.

Parenting littles easily becomes a game of responses.

Messes are made - I clean them up.
Noses are runny - I wipe.
Sisters are fighting - I teach and train.
Bellies are empty - I feed.

But tonight, I am reminded that I don't truly clean, wipe, teach, train, feed, or any of another thousand mommy-verbs, because of messes, noses, sisters or bellies. I do these things because I love Jesus. Because I love my husband, because I love my daughters and the little one who kicks my ribs.

Tonight, I am reminded that cause and effect, the order of events, is a little more tangled - and beautiful - than I've led myself to believe of late.

As parents, we do things that we know will, over time, produce good fruit. Because of love, not because it immediately feels right and good.

Sometimes, these things bring tears to the eyes of our children, which also brings tears to our own eyes. Because of love, not because we are wrong.

Tonight, I am lifting my eyes to the hills, remembering from where my Help comes.

I am remembering that my actions need to come from my love for Christ, for my family, for my neighbors.

I write it on my heart that I only love because He first loved me.

simply pictures

2010-09-27T15:27:00.002-04:00

SUCH a beautiful smile

Lovely and serious

exploring at the gardens

hellooo, Daddy!

two girls and a sheep

deck the halls...?

2010-09-27T15:07:00.003-04:00

Apparently there are ONLY 89 more days until Christmas.

Personally, I find it a wee bit bizarre to count down to Christmas in September - it's like you're deliberately trying to fill yourself with stress and worry. Happy Holidays, indeed.

However - I made a LOT of Christmas presents last year - and though I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I did worry that I might give myself early-onset arthritis from crocheting so much in such a short time.

So this year, I am "starting early" by finally finishing up the Christmas stockings I made for our family last year. (Yes, I am Scrooge - we had no! stockings! for the first 7 Christmases of our marriage...) Last year, I made them. This year, they have names. And I still have a whole year (and 89 days) to make a fifth stocking for Newest Little Burley.

Check it out:

Mark and I are Christmas grumps who choose not to spend money on each other - but we give the girls a few gifts, and our extended families exchange gifts. I'm gonna see how many presents I can make this year - and hopefully repurpose a lot of material, use up some of my scrap fabric, and have a (moderately) green Christmas.

The list so far:

alphabet bean bags for the girls (sew)
a hopscotch playmat for the girls (sew/quilt)
superhero capes for each girl (sew)
stuffed/beanbag "monster" doll for each girl (sew)
flannel/feltboard for each girl, travel-sized (craft)
a paintbrush roll for my art-teacher-brother (sew)
a crochet hook roll for my sister-in-law (sew)
a scarf (or two) for my sister (crochet)

I'm a little stuck on what I could possibly make for my nephews (3 1/2, 5 1/2 and 7 1/2) - they are definitely starting to have ideas about what is COOL and what is NOT... and while I'd *love* to make their gifts - I also want them to enjoy them. Ideas?

I think I can make most of the sewing projects from fabric I already have (AWESOME) - and I've already started playing with colors and cutting stuff up. Hopefully, getting started now will help with the Big Scary Christmas Countdown.

Anybody else getting ready for the holidays early?

u turns

2010-08-17T18:54:00.003-04:00

North. South.
Up. Down.
Right. Left.

It's fairly safe to say that everything and everyone has a direction. It might not be purposeful. It might not even be something of which we are aware. But the direction is there. We all point, orbit, track, follow.

Directions exist as ambidextrous forces in our lives... on one hand, direction is cherished and craved and sought after. It generates security and purpose. On the other, direction can remove our sense of autonomy, make us feel as though we are riding the waves of a force far to large to transcend.

When we are comfortable with the path - directional living is desirable. We are proud of it, we wear it on our sleeves for all to see. And even when we are not comfortable, we may cling to a path simply because it is familiar. At least we know where we are going.

It's when the path swerves unexpectedly out of sight that we are unnerved.

Here's the catch - it's my experience that the path can, will, must swerve. Directions change suddenly, the road falls away, storms gather and darken the course. It is going to happen.

I spent the first days, weeks, months of motherhood adjusting to the path upon which I was suddenly called to walk. I was responsible for another person - the task of keeping her safe and healthy was a track laid before me, a gorgeous and treacherous road of joy and accountability. The rocky thoroughfare of early parenthood gradually became familiar - I adjusted and learned and adapted to my new surroundings.

Then the road swerved. While I had spent my earliest moments of parenthood slogging through lesson after lesson on How to Be a Steward of Another Person, I realized that I would spend the remainder of my life as a mother learning to give up my responsibility, to relinquish that control.

Similarly, we spend the first few decades of our lives as growing our abilities in decision-making, taking responsibility for ourselves, controlling our choices and our lives... we live out the rest of our years grasping for the understanding that we cannot possibly control everything. Learning to hand over the reins. Discovering that perhaps life is not so much about choosing a direction as it is about choosing how we travel along the directions laid before us.

East. West.
Forward. Backward.
Over. Under.

God has given me the ability to weigh my choices, make decisions, and follow paths. I am accountable for these. But more so, it is the heart - the why and the how behind the scenes - that will define me.

I like knowing where I am headed. Clear views of the road ahead provide comfort. And yet, I know that my path will veer into the unknown. By His grace, I will prove myself a seasoned traveler, and know that in following Him, my path will be made straight.

scavenging

2010-07-29T23:02:00.003-04:00

My youngest daughter is a scavenger. A predator of treasures fallen and ignored by others, she hunts on all fours to lay claim to precious bits and pieces, to make them her own. Stray breakfast remnants, forgotten carpet fuzzies, strands of loose string. No one can eat within a 20-foot-radius - her radar picks up the frequency of the cracker box being opened, the refrigerator door sealing itself shut, the crunch of the pretzel bag being clipped closed. She prowls, scours, seeks... and fiercely protects her findings.

It's humorous - and in a way, oddly encouraging to me. I watch her sift through the "stuff" to find snippets of value and I am heartened. I learn from my 11-month-old daughter that there are treasures to be found and cherished, if only we would look for them.

And so, when I find myself frustrated by another tantrum, wondering what strategy to employ - wondering if it even matters... I remind myself to search. Toss aside the tears and the screaming, remove the selfishness and stubbornness... and find the glimmer of a desire to be pursued. Perhaps my toddler has wrapped this desire in her human nature, and it's been twisted into an ugly fit. But her need to be pursued, to know that someone is loving her with intent and purpose and determination, THAT is from God. In that piece, she reflects His image.

And when I am frustrated and disgusted by my own limitations, beaten down by the fact that yet another day has passed where I cannot count the number of times I have ~~fallen~~ ~~slid~~ ~~run~~ ~~stumbled~~ turned away from His grace... I stop and look. I find a piece of myself, however small, however deeply buried, that reflects an image of God. And I take heart in knowing that even though I can distort His beauty and holiness into something virtually unrecognizable - a glimmer of Him might still be found if I scavenge for it.

Tomorrow, as my daughter zooms around, searching for the lost and buried valuables of our living room carpet and kitchen floor, I will chuckle, and be comforted the she knows. It's there to be found - all you have to do is look.

reflections

2010-07-19T19:59:00.002-04:00

Ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror - really catch the image - and find yourself surprised at the person looking back at you?

For me, the surprises lately have been things like,

"I wonder how long my hair has been doing that." and

"Where did those crinkly eye-corners come from??" and

"Is that snot or yogurt on my shoulder? Does it matter?"

The outward certainly catches me off-guard at times... but I try to pretend like that's a good thing, because it must mean that I'm not staring at myself in the mirror constantly. Right??

However - I also find myself surprised at the reflections I catch inwardly - the voices in my head and the instinctual responses that pop up. How startling it is to realize that specific actions in others bring out very strong (and not always so positive) gut-level-reactions inside me. Most of the time I am in control of myself, and witnesses would never guess that an interior battle is raging.

And the question comes to mind... which defines my character - the things I think and do not do or say... or the things I choose to put forward? Which is the true reflection of my heart - the unconscious, sinful, human natureness that swims through my mind and heart... or is it the deliberate, thoughtful choice that is made in my words and in my actions?

~~~~~

Pure UPDATE:

1. Meriel is 2 shakes away from walking. She stands up in the middle of the floor and growl-giggles like a happy baby bear. She loves to clap and wave and splash and will eat ANYTHING you let her put in her mouth (literally).

2. Hazel is (and has been since January) fully potty-trained save nap and nighttimes (she still sleeps in a crib). Such a big girl - she cracks me up daily with her Hazel-isms. She loves her little sister and is learning to share her space and toys... it's a daily lesson.

3. The girls could not be more different from each other - one cautious, one explorer. One shy, one outgoing. One picky eater, one vacuum. One needing constant encouragement, one whose drive cannot be stopped. And they still can crack each other up - and sweet baby giggles (Hazel's high pitched, little girl voice, and Meriel's sweet, deep baby cackle) are the best things I hear in my days.

4. I've MISSED this blog - and I hope to visit more often. Days have been busy here, but this place keeps me sane.

not in kansas anymore

2010-05-11T13:30:00.002-04:00

My life is not perfect. The cast of characters is human - flawed and real - and the setting is a world, created perfectly, that has been shattered and awkwardly glued back together.

My life is not perfect - but it is blessed. The path I walk is paved with gifts; it is bordered by my warm home, clean water, abundant food. The dust along this path bears the footprints of those who walk alongside me - my husband, my daughters, my family, my friends. The air is full of emotion: it rings with laughter, echoes with tears, and bubbles with lively chatter.

Why is it so easy to walk this beautiful path with a focus far too narrow? I see clouds instead of the blue sky behind them. I notice cracks in the pavement rather than the intricate beauty of the brickwork. It is too bright, too noisy, too dull, too lonely... Too, too, too.

Mamahood has of late left me feeling a bit used-up. The constancy of need can be exhausting and thankless. I found myself moping inside my head, longing to be pursued - not out of need, but out of desire. I looked and searched and hunted and found no clear sign of pursuit. I pouted.

It was when I sat still and watched my life without looking for anything that I saw it.

Hazel gazes into my eyes and tells me they are blue. She brushes hair out of my face and smiles at me with pure delight.

Meriel watches me while she nurses - dark blue eyes, almost gray, framed by thick lashes... she drinks me in with her gaze.

God is watching me through their faces - it is not just my daughters, but my God who is drinking me in, watching with delight. He is using the people in my life, always, to show me His love.

Life doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Rarely, in fact. But I belong to a God Who knows the desires of my heart. I don't have to go looking for them. Besides - if I have to look farther than my own backyard, I never really lost them to begin with.

transparency

2010-04-24T14:19:00.003-04:00

It's a good thing toddlers and infants don't play poker.

Um, for lots of reasons - but I'm thinking mostly about the fact that there is NO poker face whatsoever. I can virtually read the thoughts of my girls on their faces - their eyes, their lips, the crinkles in their little foreheads... adorable little open books.

Frustration, delight, fear, surprise, joy, sadness, laughter and love transport themselves directly from my daughters' hearts to their faces. Their emotions are real, they are raw, and they are available.

And as a result, those girls of mine, they are known. They are loved - they have been since I saw two blue lines, and they will be until I take my last breath and beyond - but they ~~may~~ will not always make themselves known to me.

How often are we truly simultaneously known and loved? How often are we gifted with the opportunity to really know and love someone else? We learn at an altogether too-young age to mask our emotions and present a version of ourselves to the world. We take advantage of chances to change that identity, that persona, as we grow - we "try on" different costumes of self.

And so, as we wade through days littered equally with temper tantrums, crocodile tears, belly laughs and sticky kisses, days where a little poker face would go a long way... I remind myself that they will soon learn to choose what I know. They will guard secrets and cover their true feelings.

So today, I praise God for their innocent transparency. It is a gift I will not toss aside.

the girls

2010-04-20T14:56:00.001-04:00

reality

2010-04-08T08:32:00.004-04:00

Gloomy gray clouds, heavy with rain.
Blades of grass, once brittle and brown, now an emerald carpet.
Colorful blocks scattered on the floor, a tall tower knocked down by a powerful princess.
Swirly steam rising from my hand-painted mug.
Numbers, bright red and blurry, on the face of my alarm clock.
Rosy cheeks, tousled baby-fine hair and soft, warm arms around my neck.

My reality is often based upon what I can see. I define, label, describe and analyze with my eyes. The world becomes pictures - even things I cannot see, have never seen - my mind draws up images and files them away.

I want to see it to believe it.

And though a picture may well be worth a thousand words - they are often misleading, easily manipulated and at times downright false. It bothers me a bit that this is true, until I realize that I play this game as well as anyone. I paint pictures for people - in my tidied up, vacuumed home (that is normally littered with toys and carpet fuzzies) - with a touch of make-up, a little mousse and a splash of perfume (those who see Katie sans-mascara are true friends indeed) - and in what I choose to be part of my persona on Facebook or my blog (there is no "backspace" button in real life).

So I catch myself wondering what is real. What is true? Do I define myself? Do others define me? Is it what I do, what I say, how I act? All of the above? Or none?

I'm not sure if anyone aside from God, even me, knows my true heart. He alone knows all the fears, motivations, dreams, desires, regrets, words left unsaid and actions left undone. When I imagined what He would see when He looks at me, I felt a little nauseous. There's a reason I don't let other people know everything about me...

Until I realized that while He sees all those things - He also sees me through a curtain of sinless, perfect blood. Clean and unblemished, He sees Jesus. That stopped me in my tracks. No matter what my eyes tell me, no matter what pictures I paint for others, no matter what my reality is or seems to be... I am whole and saved and clean.

The rest of it matters - I don't believe God created this world and this life for us and made it completely meaningless - but it only matters because of who He is, and who that makes me.

coming

2010-03-30T07:34:00.005-04:00

There are thoughts. I want to put them into words. It's coming. Just not yet. :)

In the meantime...

A smiley little Meriel - whose smile belies the torment raging through her brain as she is so! close! to! crawling!

And Hazel, wearing a swim diaper over a swimsuit over her clothes, 10 or 11 bows in her hair and lip gloss in hand/mouth. Ready for the day!! (And yes, that is a large stuffed frog on the arm of our couch.)

they might not sleep, but they are beautiful

2010-03-25T01:20:00.003-04:00

Crying and screaming and not-sleeping has begun again. So I thought posting pictures of my pretty girls would make me feel better. Enjoy!

dry dry desert (UPDATED)

2010-03-22T02:37:00.003-04:00

I am parched.
It is 2:36am. Hazel has been awake and crying for over an hour. I've been in twice - she is not sick or scared. Just awake, and for whatever reason, fighting sleep. I really hate to admit it, but I have no compassion left.
I am dry.
It's been almost 2 solid years of routine sleep struggle. Night wakings. Fighting naps. Crying it out. Hours spent awake in the cold, quiet middle of the night. Desperately trying to soothe your child to sleep while worrying about creating bad habits.
I've got nothing left.
I've tried every strategy (that I've read about or heard of).
At this point - the nighttime crying begins, and my skin just crawls. Part of me still just dies that my baby is not happy, not resting. The rest of me - is just SO tired. It is exhausted and raw and angry and frustrated at failing over and over and over.
I just want the crying to stop.
Because there is another baby in the house who will wake up soon and need to be fed. She is not ready to night-wean yet. Between the two, sleep is too elusive. It is difficult to find reason and sanity at 3am when your child has been screaming for hours.
I want my daughter to be rested. I want her to sleep well.
I want to be rested. I want to sleep well.
I want to give the best to my girls - and I don't do that when I am crabby and tired in the small small hours of the morning.
I am ashamed that it makes me angry to hear her continue to cry.
I carry so much guilt for that anger.
I feel so dry, so parched.

***UPDATED***
Even as I returned to bed after writing this, listening to Hazel cry, I realized that what I wrote was not completely true.
Yes, I feel angry in the middle of the night. I am frustrated and confused and angry.
But mostly, I think my anger stems from feeling so heartbroken and helpless that I cannot prevent my daughter's tears or give her the rest she needs. I feel that I should have the power to fix it for her.
It's physically painful for a mama to lay in bed and listen to her baby cry... I just want to go in and make it all better. The problem is that my going in doesn't necessarily make it all better - at least not for very long.
Because I cannot FIX it, and because I don't feel that I handle this trial very gracefully, I wonder about my ability to be mama to more than the two kiddos I have. And I know that I *want* more. So it terrifies me to think that I might not be "cut out" for being mama to more than two. That I might not really be capable, not able to handle it.
Probably not rational, but there it is.
So thanks for your kind words, and for reading my mid-night sob story. We are awake and smiling this morning, praying and looking for a better night tonight.

glimpses (updated to avoid confusion)

2010-03-01T13:33:00.003-05:00

Life ~~today~~ *these days* is full of little sneak-peeks.
Movie trailers.
Ultrasounds. *(NOT MINE, just in general, in the world, you know)*
Coming Soon.
We can barely contain ourselves for all the wanting! to know! what's coming!
Generally, I like to know what's on the horizon - but I appreciate surprises and love a good sneak-peek.
My favorites are the glances and glimmers God gives me in my family.
I catch a vision of my eldest as a teenager - a strong, beautiful young woman with a sensitive heart and a passionate spirit.
I spy a shadow of my youngest, growing up with a love of life and a heart for others - her sparkly eyes an open window to the joy in her soul.
I see my husband as the father of those lovely teenage girls, love pouring out of his very being, consumed with pride and joy and wonder at the blessing of being entrusted with these creations of His.
I catch a glimpse of the woman I may grow into - I feel layers being shed, feel myself being molded and shaped and groomed - and occasionally I notice that my reflection is a little less of the me that was, and a little more of the me that is His.
Those images are tantalizing and sweet - and they add fuel to tired days... but as beautiful as they are, they do not compare to the moments of today. What strikes me most is that the more I stare into their faces today, the more I take note of the moment as it passes, the more I live and love NOW... the more He gives me of the future.
It is our ability to be content in any circumstance, to find joy in tough moments, to zero in on true gifts - good and perfect gifts from above... it is our ability to live in Christ's grace today that gives us hope and peace for tomorrow.
I just love those little sneak-peeks...

just bring me a cheese plate... and some multigrain crackers to go with it

2010-02-10T07:48:00.005-05:00

The inside of my head is not a place I want to be right now.

It's whiny in there.

I'm having a really difficult time figuring out what's actually bothering me - because chances are good that it's not any of the minutiae buzzing around my brain like obnoxious little mosquitoes.

I've been swatting at them - and every once in awhile, I kill one or two. But quite a few have managed to get in a nice little bite, and suddenly I'm trying not to itch. And - ohmygranny - once I start scratching, things go downhill quickly.

The mosquito bites inside of my head are telling me all kinds of things about myself and what I'm not doing. What I can't do (for various reasons), what I should be doing, and what's keeping me from those things. They're telling me about the people around me - who cares and how much and how I can tell just from what is done/said and what is not done/said. They're chattering nonsense about needing and deserving and right and wrong and on and on...

I'm feeling all kinds of things that are, quite honestly, based entirely in this world - this broken world with my self-centered self caring too much about earthly things and not enough about the eternal.

I want to do all things without complaining or arguing (Phil. 2:14) and I know that if I am the victim/witness of actual sin, I am called to restore my brother gently and carefully (Galatians 6:1)... but I often find those to be difficult lines to walk.

Right now... I want to be held accountable - to put my struggles in the open and not hide them, and allow others to restore me gently.

In the meantime - you may just find me sitting around, staring at my mosquito bites, trying not to scratch, and munching on the cheese that came with my whine.

no use crying over spilled...

2010-01-27T10:39:00.002-05:00

Some days I feel a bit full. On the verge of overflow, to be exact. Rather like a cup that might "runneth over" - but not in the best way. In the "I'm Not Sure How Gracefully I Can Handle One More Challenging Thing Today" kind of way.

I imagine adding ice cubes to a drink... the level of the liquid rises a bit with each cube. Add too many too fast - and the drink will spill over the top. It's inevitable.

Yesterday felt like one of those days:
We started out with a really rough night - very tired mama and very tired girls. (clunk-clunk... a few ice cubes)
Girls who had both started coughing - out of nowhere - in the middle of the night. (clunkety - clunk... a couple more)
Poor, fussy, teething Meriel - just didn't feel like herself all day (clunk)
Hazel's running a low fever (clunk)
A wet-pants accident in the high chair at lunchtime - very rare these days, and therefore all the more frustrating to this mama... (clunk)
Naptime struggles with both girls (clunky - clunk)

You get the idea. Before too long, I felt myself starting to spill over the edges. And as I tried to catch myself, hold it all in, control the spillage... I realized something.

Maybe it's not so much about trying to not spill over, or not be spilled by someone/something. Because -let's face it - the ice cubes are gonna come. Life is going to hand us challenges and tough moments - some bigger than others, but even enough tiny ice cubes pile up to overflow a cup. So trying to NOT spill might be a bit futile.

Perhaps it's about what comes spilling out. If my heart is full of grace and patience and my mind is full of the words of my Father - THOSE will spill out. But if my heart is focused inward, if I am playing the martyr, if my mind is busy with MY wants and desires... then ugliness will trickle (or gush!) over the edges of my cup.

For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Matthew 12:34b)

So today - I will try to relinquish my attempt at controlling the ice cubes and the spillage... and just focus on what I'm filling myself up with. And if/when I fail... I will fall back onto the grace of Jesus, and begin again with new mercies tomorrow.

my talented daughter

2010-01-16T18:24:00.002-05:00

would you like fries with that?

2010-01-14T06:38:00.003-05:00

What if life were like a restaurant, and you could simply order things off a menu and have them brought to you on platters?

I'm not talking about stuff - but experiences.

Tired? You could order up a Good Night's Sleep Appetizer - your choice of featherbed or memory foam.

Or when you're stressed - simply put in a request for a Well-Timed Vacation entree - you choose the duration, location, and up to 3 guests to go with you.

A well-trained, polite staff would be there to bring things out, beautifully presented on trays and platters, to refill your water glass, and to make sure that the everything has been to your liking.

And then you could always send things back - "This is not what I ordered."

It *sounds* idyllic. And as much as there are bits and pieces about the scenario that are truly appealing... there are a few problems with the whole layout.

First, menus never tell you everything about what you're ordering. And if they did, it's unlikely that you'd actually read the entire list, because who wants to spend their time doing that? Then when it comes, it's not quite what you thought you'd be getting... Or perhaps you *do* read the whole description, and then change your mind about ordering the most amazing dinner EVER because it has something in it you've never heard of before - and that freaks you out a little. How many of my life experiences have gone that way? If I had known the whole truth about some experiences of my life - would I have opted out before even trying them?? Or waited until I felt more "ready" for the challenge? And let's be honest - how often would I really choose to go through those "learning" seasons of life if given the option? I shudder a little to think what it would look like if I was in charge of the shaping of my own character.

Then, of course, there's the issue that restaurants need to prepare ahead of time - so customization (while sometimes feasible) is typically minimal. You can't ask them to add just a dash of cinnamon to the blueberry pie before it's baked because that's what you'd do if you were making it at home - so you take what you get. The Life-Restaurant would remove some of our ability to take life and make it our own - and while there are days when I might trade leaving my own personal stamp on my life for the simplicity of ordering from a menu... I wouldn't be willing to forgo that forever.

Finally, in restaurants, we feel that we deserve to be completely pleased when we walk out the door because we paid for a service to be provided for us. And that makes sense. By Life-Restaurant-Logic, that gives Christ the right to dictate what is ordered, served, in what order, at what pace... because HE paid for my life. I've done nothing, and really - have no "right" to demand anything at all... and then the whole dream scenario fails.

This is all just an elaborate metaphor to remind me that although there is a piece of me that wants to say "Um, excuse me - but this isn't what I thought I was ordering when I asked to Be a Mama!" or "You mean being Grown Up comes with these side dishes no matter what??" - the truth of life is better than whatever scenario I could dream up.

Because the truth is that God loves me. My life is a gift, and the experiences I am given - while not chosen by me - are chosen by my Creator. And His love is better than life, His grace is more than I can wrap my mind around, and His peace passes my understanding.

So I tuck my napkin in my lap, and say "Yes, please - I would like fries with that!"

a preponderance of evidence

2010-01-09T09:27:00.002-05:00

I miss this blog.

It gives me a space to ~~think~~ organize the thinking I do All. The. Time.

And when I don't blog - to me, it almost feels like I'm not thinking. But not really, because I know that I am. But as far as my bloggie peeps go (if there are any of y'all left out there) - as far as you can see, my brains have been pureed by the two small children in my life, and I'm left with little coherent thought.

It just ain't (quite) true.

True - life has been busy lately. Holidays, traveling, pottying, doctors, present-making, and day-to-day-life-ishness have made the blog slip down the priority list. As it should, really.

But the thoughts and the thinking - they never take a break.

So grow not weary, oh faithful followers - I have much to share. It'll just have to come out slowly, in little bits and spurts as my days and minutes allow. Although all evidence points to a loss of valuable output here at Heartful... my heart is full, my brain is busy, and I miss sharing the heart and the thoughts with everyone.

For today - The Daddy is out of town, and I've already been interrupted 6 times writing this eensy weensy little post by a little blond pig-tailed chef, who is grinding coffee beans and making egg & fish soup for me... - so I'll keep it brief.

Lately I have found strange comfort in things beyond my control. I have not historically been a person who likes non-control (put mildly). But for some reason, my days are less rippled, my thoughts less turbulent, and my heart steadier when I've allowed myself to lean back into the passenger seat. There aren't as many buttons over here, no steering wheel to speak of - and no brakes or gas pedals... but there's a radio, there's a seat-warmer (*love those*), and there are mirrors and windows to see what is around me - coming and going and passing by.

I may not be driving, but I'm enjoying the ride.

were there fireworks?

2010-01-02T08:59:00.002-05:00

The New Year experience escaped me this year - or perhaps, it would be better to say that I released it from any obligation to provide extraordinary entertainment, purpose, or meaning for my life. I know we moved into a new decade - but it doesn't feel all that monumental.

Perhaps as we grow, the passage of time becomes less and less a thing to marvel at - and more an immutable fact of life.

Perhaps I'm just not a "party" person - the lure of big crowds, fancy food and drinks, sparkly outfits and loud music cannot override the call of comfy pjs and a warm spot on my couch.

Perhaps I've risen above the need to assign meaning to a specific amount of time, dictated by the calendar.

Possible answers, and mostly way more flattering than the truth... that my life has an ebb and flow right now that really squeezed out the need for a "new year."

Motherhood keeps me constantly re-evaluating myself, my time, my goals.

I don't need a new number on the calendar to remind me that time is passing and things are changing - I can see growth, joy, pain, change and love in people and circumstances all around me, all the time.

I have hope for the future.
I have love in my house.
I have two little girls who - for the moment - will not turn down a single moment I offer them.
I have faith in a God Who is in all and above all and holds all things together.
I have uncertainty and unknowns in my life.
I have a place to lay those burdens down.
I have gifts to offer my friends, neighbors and family.

So instead of ringing in the New Year with sparkles and screams - I nod quietly in its direction, recognizing and appreciating the gift of a clean slate... and yet knowing that there is far more in the hands of my Father than in the hands of resolutions and goals... and that the one thing that is in my hands is my response.

christmassing

2009-12-15T10:32:00.002-05:00

Christmas is next week... and I'm cooking right along on my list of things to do for Christmas... and also realizing that some things will likely wait until next year. Here's a quick run-down:

1. Christmas stockings - MADE!! but still need names - this might be after Christmas, but I hope not.
2. Jesse Tree - next year. Kinda bummed, but the kids will be able to understand it better next year anyway. And this gives me a chance to shop for some ornaments after Christmas and get some crazy good deals.
3. Ninja Doll for Hazel (crochet) - DONE
4. Ball for Meriel (crochet) - DONE, but I'd like to make one more, smaller and jingly
5. Cupcakes for Hazel (crochet) - not yet...
6. Blanket for our new nephew Matthew (crochet) - ALMOST DONE
7. Birthday present for Mark's mom (birthday is Christmas Eve) (crochet) - ALMOST DONE
8. Cocoa Mix for my mom - not yet...
9. Muffin Mix for my family - not yet...
10. Balls for nephews James & Johnathan (crochet)- not yet...
11. Snake for nephew Brody (crochet) - not yet...

Now, if I would stop blogging and get back to work - I could get a few more things crossed off the list!!

adventures in potty training

2009-12-11T10:40:00.002-05:00

We are on Day 11 of PT.
Day 11 of Big Girl Underwear.

It's strange to be a parent, and suddenly be in charge of teaching a little person how to do things that you've done for so long you almost can't comprehend NOT knowing, let alone how to teach it.

But for what it's worth (and that's not much, as every parent and every kid are different), here's my insight so far...

1. We went for no training pants - just underwear (diapers for nap and bedtime still - perhaps that will change to training pants soon). But just underwear during the day. Gets wet and uncomfortable faster.

2. Hang up the pride - you will get poo on your hands, your pants, your socks, the bathroom floor. You will get peed on. You will sing songs about going potty, make up dances about going potty, talk more about going potty than you ever imagined was possible, and spend a LOT of time sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for someone to go potty.

3. It's a struggle, because cleaning up messes gets so frustrating, but it helps me to remember that we are not fighting each other. We are working together to learn how to go potty. It's potty training for me as much as for Hazel - it changes our day considerably to be so focused for so long.

4. When I saw that it was getting stressful for her, I backed off a little. Putting her on the potty every 30 minutes to "try" got really old really fast. Now I ask if she needs to go (answer is almost always "no" - and if I think it should be time to go soon, I tell her "Okay, then in 5 minutes we are going to go pee on the potty." Then I ask her what we are going to do in 5 minutes, so I know she heard me.) We stop whatever we're doing, with the assurance that we will come right back when we are done. She believes me now, and doesn't resist much at all, and goes to the bathroom MUCH faster once in place.

5. It's a chore. It's a process. It's challenging - but it's good. We are working together, learning and teaching. She's trusting me, and I am learning to trust her with herself too. It's cool. But it takes time and effort and energy. At least once a day for the first week, I thought about quitting and trying again later. But every day, there was a reason, a success, a breakthrough - something to keep us coming back again. And she's doing great.

6. Little bitty bums wearing underpants under their clothes are really stinking cute. I tell her at least 3 times a day that I like her buns. She thinks it's funny.

7. The most helpful thing for Hazel was the story I made up for her. It went something like this:
"There once was a little girl named Hazel. And she wanted to wear big girl underwear! But Mama said she had to pee on the potty first. So she sat on the potty, and relaxed, and tried really hard - and then, one day, she went pee on the potty!! And everyone was SO HAPPY!!!! Mama did a dance, Daddy laughed and clapped his hands, and Hazel was so proud! And then she got to wear big girl underwear everyday!"
We repeated it so much that Hazel can fill in words now (all the ones that are pink are hers). And when she goes, she gets a BIG smile and says "so happy!"

We're hanging in there - and I love watching my girl grow and learn. She makes me laugh every single day - I cannot imagine my life without her face and her sweet, sweet spirit.

Jesus, I almost didn't recognize You in those fuzzy pink jammies

2009-12-07T13:08:00.001-05:00

I believe in grace. I believe in love. I believe in taking responsibility for extending grace and love to others, whatever the circumstance. I believe that I fail at this every day, but that I am extended grace and love from the Father to wake up the next morning, and continue to strive for better. For more. For holy.

I sat on the floor next to Hazel's crib, at some unknown wee small hour of the morning. I had lost track of how many times I'd climbed out of my warm blankety cocoon to tend to the needs of my small daughters. Some moms claim to treasure those midnight interludes... I'll be honest - I wouldn't mind if my little chiclets came out of the womb sleeping 12 hours every single night.

I was running low on grace, low on patience, low on sleep.

I sat on the floor next to Hazel's crib, at some unknown wee small hour of the morning. I rubbed her back, ran fingers through her hair, and tried desperately to keep my touch from communicating my stress, my desire to be elsewhere, my selfish wish for sleep and warmth.

And I remembered that whatever I do for the least of the brothers (and sisters) of Jesus, I do for Him.

I took a deep breath in and breathed out slowly. Imagined Jesus laying in that crib.

Now - there IS a part of my brain that said "Now, I DO think that if Jesus was sleeping in my house, He probably wouldn't wake me up at all hours of the night, alternately chatting and singing loudly, and crying inconsolably. And He probably wouldn't be wearing footie pajamas and a diaper."

BUT. But...

I sat on the floor next to Hazel's crib, at some unknown wee small hour of the morning. I rubbed her back, ran my fingers through her hair, and tried desperately to love her as I love Christ. To love her as He loves me.

Maybe sometimes the question isn't "What Would Jesus Do?"

Maybe it's "What Would You Do For Jesus?"

my little Meriel

2009-12-07T08:11:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the prayers - I apologize for the update delay - weekends tend to get away from us! :)

Meriel was wonderful all day on Thursday - sweet and smiley and cooperative. Everyone commented what a good baby she was, and everyone who saw her walked away with a smile on her face. The not feeding her for 4 hours beforehand was easier than expected - she got fussy toward the end, but fell asleep eventually (and slept through half her ultrasound!).

By far, the worst part was the IV - it took a poke (and wiggling that darn tube around) in each arm and a foot before they got it to take. It's amazing how different the crying of a baby is when they are in pain - pain that they haven't felt before. It's such a mix of bewilderment, fear and very real hurt - she was wailing and I shed a few tears myself. It was also a bit odd to watch her be sedated... her little eyelids getting heavy and her body going still.

The test took about 1.5 hours, and it took her about an hour to wake up enough to eat. No side effects, no complications - just a long day that I was rather dreading and is now over. We follow-up with the doctor next Monday, the 14th, and will know more then.

Again - we coveted your prayers, and I definitely felt blessed and loved by the response I've gotten from people - many of whom have never met our sweet girl.

Hopefully now, it's back to fun Christmas-y updates for awhile. OH - and potty-training stories. Because Miss Hazel wears big girl underwear these days, don'tcha know. (We are still "training" - but making progress!)

cover us

2009-12-02T14:18:00.005-05:00

My sweet baby daughter:

Thursday morning, Meriel and I head to a local hospital for outpatient testing that will take about half the day (I hope not longer). She will be need a catheter, IV and sedation, among other things. Her mama is NOT excited. Bless her little 3-month-old heart, she has no idea what's coming.

And so...

Lord, You are above all, in all, and in You all things hold together. Our prayers are heard, our hearts are known, and our steps are laid out by You.

My heart is burdened with anxiety and worry, Lord, and I want to give that to You. As Meriel and I head to the hospital for her tests - protect us. Keep us safe on the road, watch over our doctors and nurses, and place Your protective hand over our baby girl. I pray that tears would be few (for both of us) and that the hours would pass quickly until we are home again with our Daddy and our Hazel. You know the outcome already - more than the doctors will ever know - and most importantly - Meriel's precious life is in Your hand, no matter what. For that, I give You praise.

Grant my heart peace, Lord, peace that comes only from You. Cover us. And cover everyone - those we know and those we do not - who struggle daily with the reality of medical issues and their precious children - for we are truly blessed. There is such great hurt, so much unknown... and so much heart-breaking bravery. I thank You for this tiniest of glimpses into the lives of others who struggle against much greater odds, much more terrifying enemies.

Go before us, Lord, as You always do. Give me feet for the path, and a heart for You.
Amen.

in need of a holy toothbrush

2009-12-02T09:46:00.004-05:00

Due to a number of factors and a conversation or two, the past week has brought me to my knees with the realization of how very little I can achieve or be on my own, in and of myself.

I am feeling many things - which I will not list for you here, lest you start looking for the black balloons and gloomy gray streamers of my own personal pity party.

I don't know what others would think - and it doesn't really matter. As people, we tend to help others justify behavior that is less than holy, because it is "understandable" or because we know we do it ourselves and we'd like to escape judgment when it happens. Other people might tell me I'm doing fine - especially for a sleep-deprived nursing mama of two kiddos under age two.

But I don't want to be justified by people. I want to know what God thinks of me today.

This is one of those times when I really wish that God had a face and a body and could sit next to me on the couch and hold my hand and answer my questions directly and TELL ME what to do.

I wonder if it would be a time for tough love - for exhortation and a reminder of His glory and His standards and His call to the kind of life He wants me to live -to do everything without complaining, to be blameless and pure, Proverbs 31...

Or would it be a time for grace - for taking care of this Mama, for reminding me that He sees me clean and new because of Christ, for a thick layer of unending, incomprehensible unconditional love?

Or both?

I don't know. And so I pray, I read His word, I ask others to pray for me... but still, a part of my brain wishes so badly that God could knock on my door and be with me in a tangible way.

The taste of failure is in my mouth today - it is sharp and bitter. I don't want it to linger, but it's presence is a wake-up of sorts. If it had never appeared, I probably wouldn't be seeking Him so strongly today. I would be thinking of the things I had to do, and thinking of how well I was doing them.

Instead, today I am praying that His word and His presence would rinse that taste from my mouth - that I might turn toward Him and begin climbing back up the hill. And that in equal measure of high standards and grace, I would reach the end of my day with a contented heart.

dear barrel:

2009-11-15T07:21:00.002-05:00

I have reached the bottom of you.

Humans are fearfully and wonderfully made. Designed in God's image. And although I'm sure that He can hang in there longer and much more gracefully than I can... He designed me to need rest. To desire rest. To respect and cherish sweet, fulfilling, life-giving rest.

:)

Someday I will ask Him. I will ask why He made sweet newborn babies with stomachs the size of walnuts. Why breastmilk, the perfect food for my new baby, couldn't also have been designed to induce deep sleep between 8pm and 6am. Why toddlers are wired to detest sleep, and avoid rest at all costs.

Why, dear Lord, did You give me a need for rest - and then give me two beautiful girls who believe that their life-purpose is to deprive me of it?

I could blame last night's poor sleep on my 3-month-old - who has slept 5-6 straight hours only a handful of times in her young life - and last night was not one of those times.

But the true culprit is Hazel - my darling firstborn who has been anti-sleep-at-night since she learned to roll over at 4 months old. Downhill ever since, folks.

And I've hit it. The bottom of the barrel. I have no more tricks. No new ideas. No sneaky rabbit to pull out of a hat in a puff of smoke. I have no earthly idea how to help this child sleep soundly and regularly. I've tried everything (everything that falls within the realms of acceptable parenting). At least I *think* I have - and since I haven't come across a new and profound sleep-help idea in a long time, I think I'm right...

People tell me it is a phase, she will outgrow it. So far - the "phase" has been any string of more than 2 days when she actually sleeps and naps well. The "norm" is disrupted, disjointed, difficult sleep littered with tears.

And since the barrel is empty - and God has a sense of humor about all this - I've decided there is nothing more to do but try to laugh about it. If I'm going to look back and laugh someday - why not start right now?

I will try to laugh as I pick up my yoke of loving God and loving my daughters - and to set aside my tired body and mind. I will try to laugh as I look into their sweet faces as we go about our day today. I will try to laugh as I wonder if maybe, just maybe... there is another barrel out there, and I might get to sleep again someday.

:)

The world according to the Nut

2009-11-11T08:20:00.002-05:00

My daughter chats up a storm these days. Here's a little insight into our world:

"Ahm-plimp" means armpit - and that she's headed to the master bathroom to find Mama's deodorant and try to apply it to her own underarms. Over her shirt. I think 21 months is a wee bit too young to be worried about B.O., but there you have it. If you see my daughter walking around with white deodorant stains on her shirt - that's why.

"Put down Maisy" This one is obvious. It's not malicious or angry... just a simple request that I put Meriel down and re-focus my attention where it clearly belongs. On Hazel.

"Nudie Tootie" Thanks to Mike and Kristen for this one... their little guys used to run around, buck nekkid and crying "Nudie tootie, nudie tootie!" Now Haze does it.

"Getta pinky" Pinky is her blanket. This usually precedes her climbing the stairs to retrieve Pinky from her crib.

"Show Mama" basically is "look at me!!" It gets repeated until I comply.

"Lanka you" is Thank you... and she says it situations where I would usually say it to her (she brings me something and says Lanka you)

She has most of her books memorized now, and will fill in the blanks if you leave holes in the story. She even does a dramatic reenactment once in awhile.

"Hi" and "Hallo" are heard a lot as well. So are "Tocolatey Mik" and "Tocolate tips." Go figure.

Meriel loves to smile, squeal, babble and drool. She's an incredibly sweet girl, mostly very laid back and happy. I can't wait to hear what she'll be saying this time next year.

my list

2009-11-11T07:52:00.002-05:00

The list.

Everyone has one - although most of us haven't necessarily written it down anywhere.

Besides - virtually every one of us wouldn't write down the true list... it would be a modified, more acceptable version. Just in case anyone ever found it.

And so, the unwritten list exists in my head. It directs my whole day - my attitude, my actions and my thoughts.

The List of My Priorities.

I'd love to tell you the list looks like this:

1. The Lord my God
2. My husband and daughters
3. Everyone else
4. Me

But I'd be lying. I don't even like to think about, or admit to myself, that in the morning, every morning, until I deliberately reset myself... my list ACTUALLY goes more like this:

1. Me
2. My husband and daughters
3. Other people - but probably only those I know well and/or like
4. The Lord my God, if I have time...

Ugh. I am so tempted to go back, delete those words, and post something shiny and happy that makes sure you all know what a wonderful woman, wife and mama I am.

But I sat here this morning, feeling alone and misunderstood and martyred for no particularly good reason... and I realized that I needed to reset my focus.

Maybe I really am a little lonely. And maybe there are people in my day-to-day interactions who do not understand. And maybe I do spend most of my day working to serve some very small, very needy people who really don't say thanks.

But what good does it do me to dwell on that? It does none. In fact, I am quite certain it hurts me. It leaves me focusing on myself, worrying about my own feelings and ignoring my gifts and opportunities.

For me, the first step in tackling my SELF is admitting that I'm wrong. If I write it down, say it out loud, tell someone else... I know that they know that I KNOW I'm selfish. (a big gold star to anyone who is still with me). It puts it out in the open, ugly and exposed - and gets it out of me.

So there you have it. Today, I would like my actual list and my "wish" list to match. I will take my burdens to the Lord first. I will turn a smile on husband and daughters, and rain a little love down on my house. I will turn my energy to those around me, and offer whatever I might have that is of value to them. And if I still have any time or energy... I'll go back and see if those things that were so burdensome to me before even still register on my list.

We all have a list.

position or person?

2009-11-05T14:31:00.004-05:00

In the past few weeks, I've witnessed something that has left me feeling a little disheartened. And like I'm walking up a pretty steep hill as a parent. (The details aren't important, and it has nothing to do with either of my children directly - just culture and society).

An honest mistake was made, noticed and an apology quickly offered. And rather than seeing grace extended - I saw judgment meted out, defenses raised, and conclusions jumped to with alarming speed. It went on for d-a-y-s. All this in a community of adults. I stayed out of the discussion entirely... which may have been wise and prudent or it may have been a bit cowardly. I'm not sure... but I'm not going to spend any time dwelling on that.

I am more struck by what this dynamic says about our culture.

We are quick to protect ourselves. We are smart - and so others should hear what we have to say, and respect us for it. We deserve to have a space to air our concerns - and while we are allowed (and even compelled) to share our opinion... we are only required to appreciate those who back up our beliefs. ANYthing we offer beyond that should be praised as exemplary.

It's sad to realize how often I am quicker to protect my position than a person. I wasn't a party in this particular conflict - but I am by no means innocent of this behavior. How often do I love MY judgment, MY position, MY convictions... more than I love a person? Why does it seem preferable to be "true to myself" rather than to be true to God?

I want to teach my children to love people more than principles - and love God above all. How often am I moved to tears, brought to my knees - by the unending grace of my Father? And how often do I extend that same grace to others? The inequity there is really shameful.

The best way to teach my daughters is to live it myself... and so, yet again - the reflecting pool of parenthood moves me to take a closer look at myself. And I shake my head, turn away, and pray that the next glimpse I get looks a little less like me and a little more like Him.

take a deep breath

2009-10-22T13:26:00.002-04:00

We (Hazel, Meriel and I) are visiting Nana and Papa this week - two states away from Daddy and home - and are, as always, WELL cared for.

As Daddy has his bachelor weekend (he's been telling people that he's "bach-ing it"), we are doing the same things in a new place. There is playing (with new toys), reading (of new books), diaper changing (in a new room)... and bedtime - in a new place.

Our little girl is now big enough to *know* that this is NOT her home. And although she is completely comfortable here - plays well and behaves herself and is giggly and silly and everything a little girl should be - she was not happy to sleep in a new place last night.

Nana and Papa stayed by her side, holding her, rubbing her back, and telling her to "take a deep breath" - until her little body relaxed into sleep.

What an excellent reminder - that so often, a simple break, a second to take a deep breath - is all we need to appreciate that Someone IS there to hold us and comfort us - and that it is okay to relax and let go.

My Comforter is with me wherever I go - His arms are around me, I am protected and guided and cherished... and He is waiting to remind me to simply "take a deep breath" - so that I might put down my heavy load and pick up the easy burden and light yoke He is offering.

And so, today, I take a deep breath.

the more things change...

2009-10-19T10:37:00.002-04:00

Sesame Street has become a part of our day - not every day, but a couple times a week. It's so different from when I was a kid - and yet so the same. Different characters are in the limelight, and the songs are much jazzier, R & Bish versions of what I remember... but it's still good ol' Sesame Street.

My life feels a little bit that way right now - very different from that of 6 months ago, and incredibly different from 2 years ago.

Today there are two little ladies who are entirely dependent on Mark and me - for everything. Food, water, clothes, warmth, comfort, love, learning. Everything.

I have very little control over when and how much I get to sleep. Or shower, for that matter.

My living room is cluttered with board books, blocks, stuffed animals, baby blankets and spit rags.

My pantry is stocked with fruit snacks and graham crackers shaped like bunnies, and Cheerios.

Today I got up before 6am to hang out with my weirdly-awake little Hazelnut.

She made me laugh, gave me some great snuggles, and shared my yogurt at breakfast.

I've given Meriel a bath, changed a few diapers, wiped tears and put tiny socks on tiny feet again and again.

Sometimes I get frustrated with how little of my life is mine - but then I'm reminded that IT ISN'T MINE. It's God's. It never was mine... I was just better able to believe that it was a few years ago.

And so even though the day-to-day mechanics of my life bear little to no resemblance to the mechanics of years past... the fact that things are different helps remind me that nothing has changed.

getting to know you

2009-10-02T20:15:00.002-04:00

Getting to know all abooouut youuuuuu....

Any King and I fans out there?

I'm not sure why it strikes me as a bit odd that we have to get to know our children. Maybe it's because my role as a parent is completely different from any family-role I've had before... I never felt like I had to "get to know" my siblings or my parents... they were just there. And I knew them. Or, in the case of my parents, didn't necessarily ever consider them as people to get to know. Just Mom and Dad.

My brain forgot, just a bit, the process of getting to know your new baby. Hazel and I have been thick as thieves since she was born, and we've only spent 3.5 nights apart EVER (1.5 of those nights being me in the hospital, having Meriel) - and the first night apart wasn't until she was 17 months old. And although I will always be getting to know her as she grows and changes, I've gotten to feel that I know Hazel pretty durn well.

Then along came Meriel... and I remember the not-knowing. Love comes immediately - I'd turn myself inside out for her... but the connection isn't quite the same yet, and I can tell that it's because we are still getting to know her. Granted - at almost-7-weeks-old, there's not a TON to know, relatively speaking... but I feel a little bit of a gap because of it. It fills my heart up to know that the road of finding out who she is, who God made her to be, lies ahead of us. Each little smile, each coo, each fuss... each moment gives me another piece of the puzzle as to who she is.

Sometimes it has been tough, lots of times it has been joyful - and it is all precious, this process of knowing our children.

I wonder if God feels that way about us as we grow... except for the fact that He already knows everything... but is there a sense of anticipation - of knowing that something wonderful is coming up - and anxiously awaiting its arrival? He knows what the picture will look like when it's finished - but is there a sometimes-heartwrenching joy in the watching?

I hope so.

nostalgia and newness

2009-09-29T15:56:00.002-04:00

It's fall.

I *love* fall. If you know me, you know that already. I love, adore, and treasure fall. I'd snuggle it if I could.

Fall always brings me a sense of nostalgia - of moving on - looking ahead and looking back. It's probably the back-to-school-ness of it all - but I always get a shiver of anticipation laced with the sweet sadness of something ending. And of course, all of that is seasoned with apples, colorful leaves, pumpkins, brisk breezes, comfy sweatshirts and cinnamony-baking-smells. (I've gone and made myself hungry... must. fight. urge. to. go. bake.)

Anyway - this year there is no school. The girls are too young (thank the Lord) and my schedule is no longer intertwined with the university's schedule. But I still find myself peering ahead and sneaking a peek backwards on these fine fall days.

I look back toward pregnancy, toward my days as a Mama of One. Summer is back there too - with late sunsets and warm morning sunshine. It all makes me smile, but I'm not truly sad it's gone. Just savoring the memories.

I look ahead to cooler days, early evenings, mugs of cocoa and snuggles under warm blankets. I look ahead to watching Meriel unfold her little personality with smiles and wiggles and playtime. I look ahead to the little girl Hazel is becoming - so talkative, so smart, so imaginative. I laugh every. single. day. with her - she is such a blessing to my days, and a balm to my sometimes-very-tired-mama heart.

As fall unfolds before us, I pray simply that God would give me feet to fit the path He has laid out, and that I might point to Him as I walk along it.

It's fall.

I *love* fall.

our little world

2009-09-24T07:36:00.004-04:00

My world is small but busy these days... here's a few tidbits for you!

Hazel is speaking in sentences... short ones (3 words) - but they're there. Last night it was "Eat the mango." And we did.

Hazel has also started making us "pies" - she runs to the oven and comes back "holding" something in her hand - she gives it to you and laughs like crazy when you "eat" it and tell her how good it is. It's so funny!

Meriel is growing HUGE and smiling at us more and more - she gets lots of kisses and "nuggles" from her big sister. She's very sweet - pretty much only fusses when something is wrong - hungry, needs to burp, or needs to attend to other bodily functions. She's crazy strong and can hold her head steady for a long time already.

Meriel let me sleep for 4 hours STRAIGHT the other night - I see a light glimmering at the end of the tunnel!!

Meriel has a whole MESS of nicknames - she won't have any idea what her actual name is if we keep this up! She gets called Mea, Mera, Maisy (rhymes with Hazey), Miggs (Meriel sounded like Miggle for awhile when Hazel said her name) and Gigi (short for Grunt & Grumble - she is a NOISY baby!!). :) We'll have to see which ones stick...

And a few pictures to enjoy:

A squeaky clean Miggs!

Hazey at the apple orchard, enjoying a treat and watching her Papa (my dad):

comfort

2009-09-06T14:23:00.005-04:00

I Will Arise and Go To Jesus

Come ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
Full of pity, love and power

I will arise and go to Jesus;
He will embrace me in his arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
There are ten thousand charms

Come ye thirsty, come and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings You nigh

Come ye weary, heavy-laden
Bruised and ruined by the Fall
If you tarry 'til you're better
You will never come at all

I will arise and go to Jesus;
He will embrace me in his arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
There are ten thousand charms.
------

I have never sung this song without tears pouring down my face.

When my daughter is hurt or frightened - she wears her pain and her fears all
across her face, without shame.  Her emotions are genuine, and she makes no
apology for it.  No thought crosses her mind that she might pretend to feel any
other way.  She is not compelled to put on a brave face or to "suck it up."  No
embarrassment exists for the intensity of her feelings. Her face crumples, tears
flow freely... and then she arises and comes to me, or to her daddy, arms
outstretched.  She knows she will find comfort in our embrace, and she gladly settles
herself against her parents.  She is safe, and she is loved.

The image of my daughter - full of pure emotion, and equally full of pure trust -
seeking me for comfort... and knowing that I would drop everything to be her
safety... it's so compelling.

Jesus loves me like that.  And there are days when all I want is to be little
again - to be unashamed of my emotion, to feel it unnecessary to be any
stronger than I actually am... and to simply walk, arms outstretched,  into the
embrace of someone bigger, someone who loves me unconditionally and wholly...

And while there are days when I find myself a tiny bit jealous of Hazel and a
tiny bit weary of my adult-ness, my responsibilities, and my self-consciousness...
while I do occasionally wish I could have a real, human pair of arms wrapped
around me that way... I am so incredibly grateful to have the love of my Jesus. 
Even though He cannot physically sit on my couch, wipe the tears off my face
and hold my head against His shoulder...

I have never sung this song without crying.

back to reality

2009-08-30T14:37:00.002-04:00

The past two weeks have been a lovely (albeit strange) little vacation of sorts...

Mark has been off work - so we've been a two-parent household pretty much 24-7... let me tell you, THAT is amazing! Hazel and her Daddy have LOVED the quality time they got to spend together, I loved the company, and watching the bonding between my guy and my girls... it's just wonderful.

And of course, there is the delightful new little person in our home - waking up more and more each day, getting lots of snuggles from her big sister and Mama and Daddy - and just generally making things feel even more home-y and family-ish around here.

Then, of course, there's the part where we are slightly sleep-deprived and frazzled by the adjustment to being parents of two little girls... but I can honestly say that it's WAY easier than I thought it would be... at least so far (famous last words, I know...). The confidence and familiarity that I feel this time makes a HUGE difference - I've taken the girls shopping by myself already, and I'm feeling ready for the next week when Mark goes back to work (even though I know it will be tough - I also know it will be OK).

Hazel is adjusting like a champ - some sleep issues at nighttime - but she loves the heck out of her baby sister and is her cheerful bubbly little self as usual.

Meriel is pretty laid back, pretty chilled out - although she's fussing herself awake as I speak/type... and we're so excited to get to know her little personality better in the days, months and years to come.

Gotta go tend my littlest - here's something to tide you over!

Welcome!

2009-08-18T11:12:00.004-04:00

Thrilled to announce the arrival of Meriel Katharine!!
August 16, 2009 (her due date! go figure...)
1:42am
8# and 21 inches (a puny little thing compared to her big sis!)

We're home and doing great - Hazelnut is loving the baby - and having her grandparents around to play with too.

Our family of four:

Daddy and daughter:

Ready to go home on Monday morning:

thoughts

2009-08-13T11:44:00.002-04:00

As we wait for the arrival of our littlest, it's impossible to keep the whirling thoughts in my brain settled down into neat rows and columns. Instead - I have a tumbling waterfall of mental musings, spilling over the edge, into the pool... splashing bigger speculations and reflections back up off the surface, to be examined again.

They range from intense, soul-searching thoughts to very basic questions.

.....

My heart breaks a teensy tiny bit for Hazel - even though I KNOW that a sibling is a true gift to her... we will lose our Mama-Daughter-Duo act. A chapter is ending - and although the next chapter will be excellent - it's still a little sad.

How will I take a shower with a toddler and a newborn in the house?

My beautiful little daughter is growing up - she will be the BIG sister - and I'm so excited to see the sibling love that will exist between these two critters.

How long can you REALLY hang out, dilated to 5 or 6cm?? Check out a ruler if you want to weird yourself out...

Family of FOUR. Wild.

What about the kidneys? Will it be an easy fix? Are we in for more stretching, more growth, more stepping out in faith than we've ever known? Will my baby be in pain?

Boy? Girl? Name? (we've got the boy's name settled - girl is still up for grabs a little bit)

Will I feel as inside-out as I did after Haze was born - or is there an element, however small, of having "been here before" to the transition?
....

For the record - I'm not overdue (due date is this Sunday) - so my impatience is only founded in knowing that it will likely be VERY soon... and still not knowing exactly when. But Baby is still technically "early" at this point - and s/he is proving to be un-rush-able.

At any rate - we are SO STINKING EXCITED to meet this little one. Trying to wait on God's timing is tough when you're wanting to meet a new person you already are dearly in love with.

keeping promises

2009-08-10T10:51:00.004-04:00

As promised - some pictures of our growing little family!!

Tub-time! As long as we're not washing hair - we're golden!!

Playing with Baby's diapers - she likes to put them on her stuffed animals and then change them. She brought down 3 diapers and a stuffed duck this morning - so Daddy & I had some fun of our own!

And the obligatory belly shot - bet you didn't think you would see the ACTUAL belly... Hazel, although it looks like she is bestowing sweet kisses on her little sibling, is actually blowing raspberries on my belly. Another favorite pastime of our little Nut.

My midwife appointment this morning indicates that we could be a family of four before the week is out! I'm at 5+ and almost 100%... so our next post may be big news! (But we know from last time that being dilated doesn't mean labor is imminent!!) Prayers for a safe, speedy, natural delivery and healthy kidneys are coveted!!

owls!

2009-08-06T13:48:00.003-04:00

The view of Baby's room from the door:

Yes, the walls are ORANGE. (It's called "melon" actually - and I *love* it)
Another view from the door, just a little bit sideways...

The view from the closet corner of the room:

And the view from the bed (mine for a few weeks after Baby arrives)... the closet door was removed to create more room, hence the lovely yellow bedsheet/curtain:

In case you were wondering/couldn't tell - the fabric we used to make the curtains & bedsheets is the most adorable owl print ever... along with some leafy fabric, and a few others we threw in on our own. Turned out pretty well, I think!!

coming

2009-08-04T19:13:00.003-04:00

I don't have many original thoughts in my head right now.

But I do want to post a few things in the next few days - so here's a preview of what's coming!

- pictures of the Nut. It's been a long time, and she's too cute for words, and growing so fast.

- pictures of Baby's room - it's ready for a teensy tiny occupant, and I'm super happy with how it turned out.

- a belly picture. I really haven't done this much/at all. But I figure - for posterity's sake, it wouldn't hurt (much) to have my pregnant girth documented in photos. Plus, it's always fun to look at pictures of SOMEONE ELSE'S pregnant belly.

So - that is the veritable cornucopia of wonderment awaiting you in the next few days. Please, try not to wet yourself in anticipation.

disproportionate

2009-07-31T12:44:00.002-04:00

I'm often struck by how teensy tiny things can have such an enormous impact...

Sometimes it's a pain in the rear:
Little mosquito bites = big old itchy nonsense
Paper cuts = throbbing little wound that might not heal for days because it keeps getting irritated
Rock in your flip-flop = OW OW OW!

Sometimes it's a good thing:
Driver on the road waves you ahead with a smile = People are SO friendly!
10 minute power nap = a whole new person
Phone call (or even voicemail from a friend) = an extra burst of energy

Today, I am mulling over a couple teeny tiny enormous things... like sleep and quiet moments for my brain.

Wednesday night - Hazel was awake off & on from 1:30 until 4:15... and then she took only one 40-minute-nap (should've been 2 hours at least, given her crummy sleep the night before). By 7:30 last night, I was in tears - exhausted and so emotionally fragile.

Last night - Hazel slept 12.5 hours without a peep, and now she's fast asleep (knock, knock) for her afternoon nap. Right now, I almost laugh at the Me from last night who was so easily unglued. Sleep makes all the difference.

And today - just taking a few minutes here and there to focus my heart and my mind - train them heavenward and allow God to show me a bigger picture - what a change.

Yes, being a mama is tough. Yes, there are days when I want to cry right along with Hazel as she protests having her hair washed AGAIN. Yes, there is nothing quite like being responsible for another human life.

And yet - there is more. There is joy, there is eternity. There is God in all things. There is laughter and messiness and life and perspective.

Sleep and God help me see those things. Just gotta make sure those two things are in my day somewhere, and I'll be okay.

drippity doo dah

2009-07-29T14:02:00.003-04:00

It's been a seriously not-hot summer.

One week in June topped 90 degrees. That's it. Most of the time - we're hovering in High 70s, Low 80s Land.

I appreciate it - I really do - because at 8.5 months pregnant, I am STILL SWEATING. I cannot imagine what state I would be in if summer was actually treating us as it usually does.

I knew y'all wanted to know about my body heat issues.

Anyway - having one of those lovely, productive days (which I SO appreciate) and as it's following a very fun & busy day yesterday - I'm just a very happy clam. (albeit a sweaty one). I made some new food for Hazel (who is currently taking her 2-hour-nap for the SECOND DAY IN A ROW) and hope we can get her slightly picky self to eat some new and delicious things... done laundry, did some grocery shopping - all very Mama-ish things to be excited about, but hey. I like a simple life.

At any rate - just wanted everyone to know that although I'm melting into a pregnant puddle when it's 75 degrees out... that there's a goofy old smile on this face.

prayer

2009-07-27T12:55:00.003-04:00

I am praying for strength, energy and patience.

Strength - there is SO MUCH TO DO... and it's so hard to get it all done. Toddlers, oddly, don't make tasks quicker or easier to complete. Go figure.

Energy - sleep is elusive these days - and after a night of tossing, turning, and getting up to waddle to the bathroom... the Nut awoke at the lovely hour of 4:45am. Yeah. That's what I said.

Patience - Sleep-deprived toddlers are clingy, whiny, easily frustrated and tough to distract. Sleep-deprived mamas are crabby, whiny, easily frustrated and tough to be around. The two of us are quite the pair today, let me tell you.

And so, I pray.

Lord, give me strength to be who I need to be today. Fill me with Your energy and purpose - and allow me the insight to realize what is important and what can wait. Help me choose love and patience over selfishness and exhaustion. And above all, remind me continuously that Your grace is enough for me - enough for today, enough for my daughter, enough for us all to come to the end and still be smiling. You are enough. Praise for that!!

two times

2009-07-22T16:49:00.002-04:00

It's looming.

A very familiar thrilled-and-terrified-and-impatient cloud hovers above my home, or more accurately, above my head (Eeyore-style, only it's not a gloomy raincloud).

There is a strong resemblance to the wonderings of early 2008 - and yet, it is markedly different.

What will this baby look like? Be like? Is this baby a precious new daughter or a beloved new son? Will I be a good mama? Will I know what to do? What will my life look like on the other side?

Because I have "been there" once before, I know the answers to these questions more clearly than I did before the birth of my daughter... but only in the sense that I *know* I have no idea.

I am standing on the edge of becoming a mama of two. The mama in a family of four.

I am standing on the edge - raising up on tiptoe to peer into beyond, hoping for some glimpse of what is to come, praying that the next few weeks will bring me closer to becoming the woman God has made me to be.

And He is bringing me calm (okay, I know it's the calm before the storm - but it's still a blessed, heavenly calm) - not in practical, day-to-day terms (I have a toddler in the house, folks)... but in my heart. I feel myself beginning to rest deeply. My heart is ready to discover how beautifully it can stretch to hold love for another tiny being. My mind is slowing down, knowing that I cannot plan everything, knowing that the next few months will turn my world upside-down and shake it like a snow globe... but that we will emerge, right-side-up in a world more lovely and intriguing than before.

There have been many, many blessings in my life that have altered me forever.

I love and am loved by a man of God - one who will never leave me of his own accord, in whom I trust completely.

I was given the precious gift and responsibility of motherhood in February 2008 - in the shape of a tiny, dark-haired wiggly baby girl.... who has since become a tiny, blonde-haired wiggly toddler girl.

And now, I get to be a mama again.

What a gift to be allowed to be called "Mama" by one child - to have small, soft, chubby arms wrap around my neck and a little face bury itself in my neck - to look into one girl's sparkly eyes and see love.

But two times? To be mama two times??

I can barely comprehend the treasure.

funnies

2009-07-14T11:16:00.002-04:00

Things are returning to "normal" around here (whatever that really means with an 8-month pregnant mama and a sillysweetbusy 17-month-old gal in the same house). Mark is home safe (hurrah!) and our days feel a bit more predictable and patterned.

To keep y'all entertained whilst I'm busy gestating, nesting and trying (in vain) to keep up with my toddler - here's some funny Hazel-isms of late:

- Words used to not have an end consonant for Hazel (milk was mih, nose was no). Now, all words that end in a "k" sound actually end in "key." Now milk = mih-key, sock = sah-key, duck = ducky (this one actually works) - and so on. It's super cute (and yes, there's usually a slight pause between the two syllables).

- The two taboo words in the house right now are "outside" and "car." If you say either one out loud, you've just signed yourself up for at least 5 straight minutes of the cutest gal ever repeating "owt-sah? owt-sah? owt-sah?" or " kah? kah? kah?" in her little high-pitched baby girl voice. She may also bring you your shoes and her shoes, and attempt to put them on. She *loves* to play owt-sah, and *loves* cars - playing in the driver's seat of real cars (parked and OFF, of course) and playing with her Little Tykes plastic car in the driveway.

- She loves to get the mail. This is something she and Daddy usually do when he gets home from work.

- Trying on grown-ups shoes is fascinating as well - she gets a little mad that her tiny feet pop right out when she tries to walk - but it's so cute to see her standing in our big ole shoes.

- This child, she is a dancer. She can wiggle her bum like nobody's business - little shimmies and shakes (her upper body stays still while her little hips go back and forth - it's crazy!!). People ask if I taught her that (yeah, right!) or if she saw it on TV (we really don't watch TV at all). Proof that some people really are born to dance.

- She HATES getting her hair washed. More than anything. Purple faced, shrieking, screaming, thrashing baby monster takes over when it's hair-wash night (thank the Lord we don't feel the need to do that every night!). No amount of coaxing, singing, or fancy-little-face-shielding-plastic-visors make this better. The neighbors must think we're torturing her.

- She recognizes people in pictures now - she saw Nana & Papa on the wall yesterday, then started pointing to the front door (where most people come in), the computer (where we see them on video calls) and downstairs (where they would come from when they were here visiting last weekend). It's super cute.

- When she gets really frustrated, she's taken to whacking herself in the forehead. I'm not sure why, but it's hard to watch without laughing at her. She stands still, crying, then leans over and hits herself in the head. I don't think it's proven to make her feel much better, so maybe it will stop soon.

That's it for now - I'll try to put up a few pictures soon (it's been a long time!).

fuzzy

2009-07-07T09:46:00.002-04:00

WHEW.

Things have gone by in a bit of a blur the past few days... Mark took off for a trip to Colorado with our YoungLife friends on Friday the 3rd - my parents showed up the same day and spent the past 3 1/2 days taking care of Hazel & I and helping get all kinds of good things done for Baby Preparation (we got a crib bumper, crib skirt, valence and curtain all made, and my dad was able to prime Baby's room so it can be painted).

It was wonderful. They cooked, washed dishes, changed diapers, and told me to sit down. A lot. They left this morning (darn the "real world" and jobs and things) but my sister is coming into town today, to stay until Thursday... then Hazel and I have a zoo date on Friday, and Mark is (FINALLY) home sometime on Saturday.

It's been a bit fuzzy, but good.

I had my 34-week check-up yesterday, and all looks good... I get yet another (my 7th) ultrasound next time to keep checking the amniotic fluid levels around Baby and make sure that the left kidney is still functioning as it should be... and that the right one is just as we expect it to be (backed up with fluid). Good blood pressure, good heartbeat for Baby, and only 26 pounds of extra weight on Mama.

Yesterday was also my 7th anniversary... and for the first time, Mark and I were many, many states away from each other - and out of all reach of communication. He DID manage to leave a card and 7 long-stem red roses with a friend, who delivered them yesterday - that was a sweet surprise. It's so awesome to look back and see how we've helped each other grow - as individuals, as a couple, and in our walks with Christ. What a cool journey... here's to many more years.

I'm going to relax, put my feet up, and enjoy a little summertime feeling for a bit. Hopefully the Nut naps well and lets her mama shake off some of the fuzziness.

a cautionary tale

2009-07-01T13:14:00.002-04:00

Today I decided to tackle one of the most disgusting tasks of my adult life.

Surprisingly, it has *nothing* to do with being a mama. It has everything to do with being a homeowner.

For the past few weeks/months/years - who knows? It just seems like for-ev-er.... I've had a battle waging with our dishwasher.

Here's some history:
We built our house in 2004.
We installed a water softener in 2008.
We've had FOUR YEARS of VERY hard water running through our pipes, and through every appliance that uses water.
There's some GUNK in here.

Since the water softener installation, things have gotten better.

But four years of gunk deposit doesn't (unfortunately) disappear on its own. It takes some scrubbing, some scraping, some hacking... and lots of time.

I've cleaned the dishwasher out before (although, as I discovered today - nowhere near as thoroughly as I'd thought).

Can I just tell you that the ICK that builds up in a dishwasher is one of the most stomach-churning things in the world? I was scrubbing and scraping and hacking (and trying to keep my cookies) - and I thought - I have to blog about this. SAVE the others (if anyone out there is as deluded as I am) from the horrors.

And so, I urge you in all seriousness - CLEAN your dishwasher thoroughly at least once a year. It's SO NASTY. I thought about taking a picture of the bad-ness of it... but I couldn't bring myself to share it with the world. I want y'all to still like me.

And now, I head back to the task at hand. And hope and pray that all this work will result in a dishwasher that actually WASHES my dishes clean.

we're ba-aack!

2009-06-29T07:41:00.002-04:00

It was a wonderful, whirlwind week - and we're (all three/four of us!) home again.

Not much time to post right now - my lovely Nut is WHINING with all her might and I'm still in jammies... but if you really want to - I have a guest post up over at SortaCrunchy today (about natural childbirth and why I made the choices I did).

Check it out!!

I'm fresh out of jet planes...

2009-06-22T14:09:00.003-04:00

So instead, we're leaving in a Nissan. Doesn't have quite the same ring to it...

Hazel and I are hitting the road today - headed to Nana and Papa's house in IL until Sunday (Mark is in Nashville all week, and there's nothing like grandparents to love on a little kiddo with a preggers mama!)

We'll be a bit out of the loop during that time - so don't worry that I've gone off the deep end or anything (the hormonal, crazy lady who wrote the last post has left the building and been replaced by my much more moderate, rational, generally capable self. It's nice to have her back).

Enjoy the week (it's gonna be a warm one around here!) - we'll "see" you when we get back!!

just humor me for a minute

2009-06-20T11:07:00.005-04:00

Warning: this post is written by a tired, hormonal pregnant Mama whose husband is about to leave for 8 days, come home for 4, then leave for 9 more.

People love to give advice - almost no one likes to receive it (I fall into these categories myself, so think not that I judge!!)

I find advice during pregnancy to be one of the most obnoxious things - and I've posted about that a bit before - but because of the weird, often-unhelpful things people tend to say to me during pregnancy, I try to avoid giving advice to others. All kids are different, all mamas are different, all situations are different - it's really hard for advice to not be condescending or misinterpreted. If pressed for it, I try to offer encouragement - not exactly advice.

But today, I'm going to offer the one thing that I wish someone had told me before I became a mama. This has, by far, been the biggest "surprise" for me of parenthood - and one I do wish I was a bit more prepared to handle.

I wish someone had warned me how often I would feel completely incapable, ill-equipped and unfit.

I expected parenting to be hard - but I didn't expect to feel so very NOT-good at it. I've always loved kids - I was a good babysitter and felt taking care of little ones to be very natural... I felt competent.

Something about being The Mother changed that for me... being responsible for another life, and often being the one people look to for answers. "What do you think we should do about (fill in the blank)?" How do I know? I'm new at this!!

And I'm just amazed at how infrequently I feel like a "good mama." It sounds kinda funny to say that I expected to feel like I was "good" at my job... but honestly - I did!

Right now, I don't want Mark to leave because I'm afraid Hazel will get the raw end of the deal - no Daddy, and stuck with a Mama who is tired, hormonal, getting bigger by the second... There is so much to do here before BabyMon comes - and so much of it I cannot do on my own. I am overwhelmed and certain that my kid deserves better than I'm giving.

And top all of it off - I really detest feeling this way. I like being able to handle things and help other people and come through in a pinch... I don't like being the one who needs. I just want to get my act together.

So there you have it - this Saturday morning, I have already once dissolved into ridiculous tears over pretty much *nothing* - and really, it all boils down to this overwhelming sense of not being/knowing/doing enough when it comes to being Mama. And I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to handle TWO kiddos.

Don't get me wrong - I ADORE being a mama... nothing on earth is like loving your kid(s). And however crummy I feel, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've never had a job that I love like this, and I covet the time that I get to spend caring for our children. I just wish that a fairy would wave a wand and give me a bit more ability, a bit more competence.

speed racer

2009-06-17T10:23:00.002-04:00

Methinks my daughter has propellers on her rear end, because MERCY! has that child gotten fast!!

She started toddling at 13 months, took off with I-Mean-Business-Walking at 14 months, and now, at 16 months, is simply a 2.5 foot tall blur with curly hair, zipping around my house.

We try to eat dinner at the same time we feed Hazel - not always possible, but it makes for a much better eating-environment, but she often finishes up first and wants to get down. So we clean her up, set her chubby little feets on the floor and say "Mama and Daddy are still eating dinner, so can you go into the living room and play for a bit?"

And she nods her strawberry blond head and meanders to the living room to remove every single toy from its place and put it somewhere more interesting - like in our shoes, in between couch cushions, and down the basement stairs.

Last night followed much the same pattern - although as Mark and I finished up, we realized that her little voice (because she chatters NONSTOP while she plays) didn't sound like it was coming from the right-next-door living room. And sure enough, her little head poked out at us through the railing at the top of the stairs (we have a split level house - it's only ever 7 stairs at a time, so it's not a HUGE climb)... she had climbed the stairs, raced down the hall to her bedroom, pulled her beloved blanky from her crib and was bringing it back downstairs to play.

We chuckled about how fast and sneaky she is, secretly thanking God that while we didn't know she was up there she did not decide to pull anything heavy onto her head, or flush anything down the toilet, or shut her fingers in a door.

She did the same stinking thing to me this morning. What am I doing that I have no idea my child has ventured to another FLOOR of the house??

And last week, she managed to climb to the tippy-top of Aunt Martha's half-spiral staircase before anyone realized where she had snuck off to (and this one was probably 15 or more stairs, and if you know spirals, you know that the steps don't always have the most surface area for unsteady toddler feet...) Mark said his body temperature jumped about 15 degrees when he saw her at the top of the stairs. Nothing like inst-sweat to make you feel like a top-notch parent.

But really - I just adore watching her zoom around on her own, exploring and playing and imagining things in her little mind. Even though my ever-increasing waddle isn't the most convenient when it comes to chasing her around the house - I am simply enthralled watching this little gal grow up right before my eyes.

What a thrill. A chatty, blurry, chubby-cheeked, blue-eyed thrill.

the other love languages

2009-06-11T14:02:00.002-04:00

I think lots of people have heard the phrase "love language." You know - the things others can do for you that make you feel most loved, and the things that you likewise tend to do for others (whether it's their love language or not). Gary Chapman wrote a book (or two or three) about it.

Here's the thing:

Neither Mark or I fit the mold.

Me - While I definitely have tendencies (quality time and physical affection probably being tops) - I respond well to ALL the love languages (quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical affection, words of affirmation). Mark likes to pretend this makes me trickier to figure out, and teases me about being high maintenance... I prefer to think that pretty much ANY NICE THING you do for me will be appreciated. Can't get much easier than that, can you?

Mark - In honor of my hubby's bizarre personality - I have decided that the wonderful Dr. Chapman actually (unintentionally, of course) excluded two love languages... instead of 5, there are truly (at least) 7 distinct love languages. (Lucky for me) Mark speaks the Missing Languages of Love: Entertainment and Anti-Time.

Allow me to explain them both....

Entertainment - Mark loves to be entertained... he likes to go to movies and to have people over and to go out with people and "do" lots of "things." It speaks to his heart when I arrange these things to do with him. Or send him out to do them on his own (which leads me to the second Missing Language of Love...)

Anti-Time - Being an extremely social creature, Mark is loved well when I send him out to do things with friends - whether it's out for ice cream, playing tennis, or taking off to visit friends that live in other states... when I send him outside the home with "my blessing" (haha) - that's one of the best ways I know to show him that I love him. (You may have noted that it's possible that a married couple with two competing love languages - quality time and anti-time - may be in for a fun ride... and you might be right. Loving each other this way takes some suck-it-up-sacrificing... but that's what love is about, right?)

Anyone else discovered some Missing Love Languages??

change of heart

2009-06-03T14:53:00.004-04:00

One of the things I struggle with (and always have, honestly) is patience. I don't like to wait for things. Sometimes, it's not such a bad deal - it's more anticipatory than impatient (waiting for a package to arrive in the mail, or being excited for a trip or holiday). Most of the time though - it's just not one of my admirable qualities.

I've known for a long time, obviously, that this is something I'd like/need to work on - but it's becoming more and more apparent these days. Motherhood has a way of bringing light to character issues, I think.

Patience seems central to my ability to have a good day - because really... any day with a toddler is going to try your patience at least a wee bit.

Part of my struggle is tied to the fact that I am an emotional and relational being. I have emotional reactions to MANY things throughout my day (this sounds bad, and it is sometimes, but not always). It really just means that it is very easy for my good day/bad day to slip out of my control - because my emotions are easily influenced by what is happening (ie, things I cannot often control) - I get out of whack.

On my patient days, I am much better at keeping my emotions under control - things that would normally be frustrating or inconvenient do not have much impact on my mood or my heart. On the not-so-patient days... well, I can turn into a surly, snarly, easily frustrated Mama/Wife... and no one has fun when she's around.

Given the impending arrival of The Littlest - I figure that a short emotional wick is something better avoided - especially when you throw post-pregnancy hormones and sleep deprivation into the mix.

And so, I begin a journey of prayer, reading, thinking, more prayer... all to try to figure out how best to train myself in Patience... also known as keeping my emotions and moods tied to things eternal, not to the things of today. And I'm finding great verses, good encouragement, and am enjoying my time of prayer...

But I'm finding myself wishing for big, sweeping, overnight change.

In other words, I am impatient.

I think I still have some work to do...

bring on Monday!

2009-06-01T11:34:00.002-04:00

Phew!

So far, I've already showered/gotten ready for the day, had some quiet prayer/reading time with God, made and eaten breakfast with my little lady, changed 2 diapers, gone grocery shopping, prepped lunch and some of dinner, washed dishes, loaded & started the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and made 24 strawberry muffins.

For some reason, Mondays are always my "Get Things Done!" day... I'm motivated and productive and I love it.

I think the afternoon will be slightly calmer, although there is another brief round of errands to run... but hopefully the Nut and I will be able to enjoy a quiet, rainy afternoon playing together.

And now, to answer a couple of questions about my post on the Cloth Diaper Whisperer (if you don't care about cloth diapers, you can stop reading now, and have a lovely Monday!):

- For the first few weeks, I used disposables on Hazel... it helped with the craziness of becoming a mama for the first time.
- Hazel did go through a growth stage or two where the cloth diapers just seemed to not fit her quite right, and were more likely to leak. We hung in there, tried using different inserts or snap adjustments, and used disposables a few days when Mama was tired of changing wet pants, and things worked out.
- Now - this time around, I'm hoping to mostly use cloth from get-go... and a couple of things that I think will help us with that are:
- Summertime - bulky newborn diapers don't have to fit under clothes - we can throw on a diaper and t-shirt and be good to go.
- Some new diapers in our stash - I've purchased Kissaluvs fitteds for the early newborn days, and am hoping to get my hands on some BG AIO (size x-small) as well. I'm hoping these fit a little bit better than the slightly bulkier one-size diapers. We've also still got a good stash of prefolds, and I've added a few other one-size fitteds (we'll see how those work on a newborn). I've been making some fleecey diaper covers (so cheap and easy!!) of my own, and have a couple of wool shorties as well. We're trying new things!
- I think it helps to have, at least in the beginning, a stash that is slightly less than complete - and that has several different brands and types of diapers. I had a pretty full stash, and only one brand (plus prefolds) and while I loved my diapers, I found myself eager to try new things and wishing I'd purchased a more eclectic beginner's stash. It can be easy to get carried away with different brands and cute colors - but having a few different ones on hand can help with those growth spurt days when things don't fit quite right, and you may find you prefer different brands/styles as your baby gets bigger.
- I'm buying diapers differently now - my BumGenius diapes are WONDERFUL - but so far, they only make the non-organic diapers with a velcro closure. And velcro is very easy and convenient - but it wears faster and your little one is more likely to be able figure out how to take it off (mine has). Now, I'm primarily buying snap diapers - since I want my diapers to last as long as possible (and who knows how many kiddos we'll have!). I've also come to really like fitted diapers with non-plastic (fleece or wool) covers - and I didn't even try those until a few months ago.

Phew (again)! Thanks for hanging in there... gotta run and get some more things done! :)

kinda famous!

2009-05-31T07:44:00.001-04:00

Hey Hey!

Go check out The Cloth Diaper Whisperer today (Sunday) - I wrote them a guest post awhile back, and it's up (along with some cutie pictures of my little lady).

:)

weekend shopping!

2009-05-30T13:52:00.002-04:00

I think I might become a true garage sale convert... I haven't gotten to the point of scouring the papers yet (give me time, the Nut keeps me pretty busy these days)...

But check out what I just scored about 5 houses down (all for Hazel, mostly for the upcoming fall/winter or next spring)...

- a fleece jacket/pants outfit
- sweatshirt
- fleece vest
- overalls & onesie outfit
- overalls & long sleeve Tshirt outfit
- denim capris
- denim jumper
- long sleeve one-piece playsuit
- one-piece shortie playsuit
- tank top & pants outfit
- tutu
- cookie monster stuffed doll
- cutest Christmas dress/jacket outfit (red velvet)

All for $5.15.

Yep. Breaking the bank today, folks.

And earlier this week I dropped seven whole dollars at GoodWill - and got 3 shirts, 2 sweatsuit outfits, a pair of jeans and an outfit for the new baby.

It's true, I can't resist a sale or a great deal... but at this rate, it'll be pretty hard for me to do TOO much damage.

Love it.

my funny (almost) valentine girl

2009-05-29T07:06:00.004-04:00

There are so many hilarious little things Hazel does every day... and so, like any good, proud mama, I feel compelled to share them with you all. Enjoy!

She shouts "MEN!" when we're done praying at meals or bedtime (or whenever she feels like we *should* be done praying)
She loves blueberry muffins, knows where I keep them on the counter and points to them and says, "mmyumyumyum."
The word "no" is not in her vocabulary yet... she does, however, give you a fabulous glare and grunt loudly if she's unhappy with something.
Yesterday she helped me DEVOUR my grapefruit - no sugar, nothing added... just straight up grapefruit. She didn't even make the sour, puckery face when she tried it the first time.
She *loves* balls of all kinds. "Ball! Ball! Ball!" is often heard around the house or when we take walks around the neighborhood. She went to a high school soccer game with Mark last night and was enthralled with the "Ball!" (though slightly frustrated that she couldn't have it...)
"Go" is another favorite word - she'll gather her shoes and your shoes when she wants to "go" and then head over to the front door and bang on it. She doesn't usually want to "go" in the car - "go" is reserved more for generally being outside or hopping in her stroller for a walk.
She nods at almost everything you ask, initially seeming quite agreeable... until the grunt and glare come out to let you know how she really feels.
She signs (her own versions of) please, more, all done, help and again. (She actually made up her own sign for again... the others I taught her).
She has four teeth in front on the top, three on the bottom, and one molar on the top left. A little lopsided, methinks.
She knows the sounds made by cows, dogs, kittens, rabbits (don't ask) and lions.
She knows where Mama's Baby is (and will pat/thump my belly vigorously when asked)... and she then points to her own belly and says "Beebee." It freaks Mark out, but I think it's cute.
She can locate her (and your) eyes, nose, mouth, teeth, hair, head, ears, chin, cheeks, toes, fingers, feet... and probably a few more I can't remember right now.
She likes to help pick out her clothes in the morning, which really translates to her pulling everything out of her drawers while I pick the clothes. But it's fun to have the help.
She likes dancing to Miley Cyrus's Hoedown Throwdown (really, she'll dance to anything with a good beat)... Mark and I crank up the stereo and embarrass ourselves all around the living room with her in our arms, dancing to songs the 8 year old girls across the street dance to. But you should see Hazel's face... :) (just so you know, Mark is the one who introduced that song to our household... it's on his iPod...)

There's more - but y'all might actually have something to do today OTHER than read about my fabulous kid. Happy Friday!!

my new favorites...

2009-05-26T14:25:00.003-04:00

Anyone who has seen our garage in the past two years can testify that it was a veritable treasure trove and wasteland - all rolled into one.

It was packed with semi-random things anyway... and then we decided to finish the basement, which meant that EVERYTHING in our rather full basement was relocated to the garage... in not-so-neat stacks and piles.

That was Summer of 2007.

I am proud to announce that my husband worked CRAZY hard yesterday, and it is now a thing of beauty... there are still a few items that we need to give away/get rid of - but BOTH cars are able to park INSIDE the garage at the moment.

Folks, you have no idea how huge that is.

That is ONE of my new favorite things.

The other is a result of the organized garage - the 2 cardboard boxes full of textbooks from graduate school were located, and I spent an hour or so last night listing them all on Amazon.com, hoping to get a couple bucks out of the process.

In the past 18 or so hours, I've sold 5 of them (!!) for a total of somewhere around $70. Given that they were sitting around gathering dust, I'd call that a terrific little profit.

I've never sold books on Amazon before, but I'm quickly becoming a convert - especially when you don't particularly care about the $$ at all - you just want to get rid of a book that was taking up space, and ANY money you get is more than you had.

Amazon.com certainly isn't a NEW favorite of mine... but selling things is!

a first time for everything

2009-05-21T09:48:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was our first 80+ degree day... we grilled brats, ate watermelon, took a walk, and generally enjoy the summeryness of it all.

This morning on my walk with Hazel, I got my first flip-flop blister of the summer... right in between my big toe and my not-bigger-but-longer toe. Darn you $2.50 shoes from Old Navy. (Just kidding - I love my cheapo flip flops... but they're probably not the best walking shoe...)

Also yesterday... I went in to get Hazel from her morning nap and was greeted by a very cute baby, sitting bare-bummed in her crib, holding her diaper up to me. (Yup, it was a velcro one - I love velcro diapers for the convenience and speed - but snap diapers last longer and are MUCH harder for a baby to remove... going to be trying to switch over to snaps eventually...) It was just a wet diaper, praise the Lord - but she's getting awfully sneaky and coordinated!

Another first... Hazel's first (and I'd love it to be the only, but that's probably not likely) tumble down the stairs. Our house is split level (praise the Lord AGAIN) so there's only ever 7 stairs at a time... but she stilled rolled down them all and landed with a clunk at the bottom. She was all of 12 inches ahead of me in the process, and I just couldn't grab her. (Pregnant mama tumbling down the stairs after/on top of toddler is probably not a good thing either). She's fine, a very small red bump on her forehead and some tears - but Mama's life is now at least a year shorter.

Yup, we're just racking up the firsts around here these days... and quite honestly, I'd be ok to slow down for a bit!!

quickie update

2009-05-20T10:00:00.002-04:00

I'm officially a third-trimester gal now... almost 28 weeks down. BabyMon likes to kick and wiggle a lot, and I'm often entertained by simply watching the antics in my belly. (Last night, after drinking a LITER of water in an hour or so, I was not as entertained by BabyMon's ninja kicks to my bladder). I think I've gained about 19 pounds so far (WAY less than I had gained at this point with Hazel) and pretty much look like I've shoved a basketball under my shirt.

We had an appointment last week at U of M to check on the kidney situation... and we didn't actually get the news we were hoping for (which was that everything had healed itself up and was growing normally now... there was a chance of that happening, so I was a wee bit bummed).

Turns out, BabyMon's right kidney has a little more fluid backed up (which makes sense, as 7 weeks had passed since the last time we took a look) and that the kidney was starting to show signs of being damaged (this was the really bummer news - last time the kidney appeared fine, just backed up). Good news is that left kidney appears to be PERFECT, and my amniotic fluid level is PERFECT - which basically means that BabyMon has normal kidney FUNCTION - just not normal kidneys.

We won't know until BabyMon is born how extensive the damage to the right kidney is, and what it will take to fix it. We're praying hard for minimal damage, and a quick fix with antibiotics and a procedure to open up the blockage. If the kidney is too damaged to salvage function, it's likely that it will have to be removed... a process I just don't really want to contemplate at all in terms of my tiny bebe.

If I didn't know there was trouble with BabyMon's kidneys, I would think that I was growing a completely healthy, very active wee one in my belly... and most days, I just enjoy that feeling, and know that feeling so very normal is a very good sign. God is good, all the time, and His plan will work itself out.

In the meantime, I continue to lift up this little one's health and growth, and pray that we will be blessed with many, many years of knowing our precious second child.

my new lists

2009-05-18T10:22:00.002-04:00

I am a list lover. Have been for a lo-o-o-n-g time. Let me tell you why:

You can cross things off and get a wonderful sense of accomplishment.
You can color code them (and I do love making things pretty).
It helps me keep track of what I need to do.
I'm a visual person and a word person - so writing things down and looking at them really helps me.

Anyway - since I became a Mama, lists have taken on new meaning -

more important than ever (because pregnancy brain/mama-to-a-baby-or-toddler brain/brain hampered by BOTH conditions... that brain is prone to forgetting and being otherwise very FULL).
more frustrating than ever - lists never quite seem to end these days, and I'm unable to cross things off in the timely, efficient manner I had grown accustomed to in my pre-Mama days

So I have developed a way to save myself from the overwhelmitude (not a word, but it conveys the meaning appropriately, I think) of the To-Do-List. In addition (because let's face it, I could never really get by without the all-powerful TDL) I now like to make a Have-Done-List. Not every day - that would be far too cumbersome, and would ADD things to my TDL, which is NOT the point. But when I'm feeling a little beat up, a little discouraged, a little behind my game - it helps me to sit down and make my HDL.

Here is today's HDL (as of 10:28am):

up at 5:40am
showered
had a good 1/2 hour devotional time before the Nut woke up
changed a diaper, got Hazel dressed for the day
made breakfast for us both
Ate breakfast/fed Hazel
grocery shopping
took a walk & played outside
had a morning snack
changed another diaper
talked to Kim on the phone
put HazelNut down for her morning nap
started a load of diaper laundry
emptied the dishwasher and hand-washed the dishes in the sink
got out stuff for lunch
answered a few emails, did some Facebook-ing, "window shopped" online a little
am now writing this blog

See how wonderfully productive that could make an exhausted Mama feel? Even if "changed diaper" is on your list 17 times a day (which may well be the case for me in a few months...) you still DID it.

My HDLs save my sanity a wee bit on the long days (days like today when Mark is out of town and I don't get a reprieve at 5:00 like I'm so used to...) I can look down at my list and KNOW that I did things today -things that may not matter much in the grand scheme of the universe - but things that matter VERY much to my daughter, to my household, and to my Jesus. To take seriously the role He has called me to - as a Mama and a maker of our family's home... every once in awhile I just need the reminder that my days are full of things... perhaps small things, but valuable nonetheless.

gotta have a motto

2009-05-11T20:21:00.002-04:00

Today, the motto was Colossians 3:23.

And let me tell you something, ma'am... it WORKED. Always such a shocker when we start our days off focused on God and it pays off, huh?

I decided during my God-Time this morning that I was going to treat all of my tasks today as if they were being done directly for the Lord (and they are - it just doesn't SEEM that way to me all the time).

Laundry for the Lord.

Dishes for the Lord.

Dirty Diapers for the Lord.

As glamorous as it sounds - it really helped my attitude and my day - Hazel and I had fun together, I got TONS done around the house (baked muffins, cleaned out my closet, listed some things on EBay for the first time, folded laundry, did dishes, made dinner...) and was able to have a fun lunch out with friends AND make a trip to the grocery store. And the Nut even got 2 good naps in. Looking at the list, I'm not sure how it all got done in the space of one day...

But reminding myself that I am working for Jesus was the perfect heads-up for me today.

Oh - and to answer a couple of questions from my post a few days ago:

I am reading The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. LOVE IT.
Slow-cooker granola is MY KIND of granola - I will post the recipe once I have tweaked it to my liking... it's still in the works.
No, please don't say "BabyMon" with a Jamaican accent... at least not to me. :) Like I said, unless it's said with an overdone French accent, it's just plain silly.

a note from mama on mother's day

2009-05-10T15:13:00.004-04:00

To my little Hazelnut:

I still don't remember that Mother's Day applies to me. It takes me by sweet surprise when I receive a card, or flowers, or a "Happy Mother's Day!" from a friend.

"Oh yes, I am a mother!!"

But really, it's only something that I "forget" in the way that I "forget" my hair is brown, or that I have really weirdly long arms, or that I am a woman. It's something that is so intrinsic that I don't separate it out from me.

On February 15, 2008 - my soul changed. My identity was irrevocably altered when I first beheld your little red face, first heard a beautiful cry fill the room, first felt your warm, wet little body on mine.

"Mama" is written on my heart, forever. Whatever the Lord has in store for me or for you or for any of the other children your Daddy and I hope & pray to be blessed with - "Mama" is ingrained in me eternally.

What a true and unquestionable blessing... to become a woman who is also a Mama.

And so, sweet one, I thank you on this Mother's Day - for the gift and privilege of being your Mama.

in which I attempt to find glimmers of my "former" self

2009-05-08T09:13:00.004-04:00

The title really should read "So I started making a concentrated effort to get back into some of my hobbies in my free time..." It just sounds more dramatic to say it that way. So I did.

At any rate - here's a few of the things I did this week:

Made granola in my crockpot (it smells fabulous and tastes great too - way WAY cheaper than buying granola at the store!)

We all went to the park for a picnic dinner and playtime in the sand - fabulous fun!

Made Hazel a skirt from a sheet that used to belong to her Aunt.

Made Hazel a fleece diaper cover (worked out great, definitely going to make more of these - for Hazel and for BabyMon**)

Been reading a great book about God's design for motherhood - really loving it and feeling affirmed and convicted about my role and my decisions as a Mama.

It was a fun week - very good to get back to some things that I've been missing!!

**BabyMon is the official silly name for the littlest B - it's my family's way of making things sound French (like absolutMON means absolutely). It's a joke (that is funny to us) where we add "mon" to the ends of words when it doesn't make any sense. So when you read "BabyMon" on my blog, be sure to read it with a French accent in your mind. Otherwise it's just plain goofy.

Happy Mama's Day

2009-05-08T06:45:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all the tips and ideas from my slightly frazzled, toddler-training-plea post the other day. We're taking baby steps, and I'm really trying to pray and think over what I'd like to try for my family. It's much trickier than I thought, and I'm honestly a wee bit intimidated by the whole discipline process. But by the grace of God - we'll slowly figure out what we're doing (and then everything will change AGAIN...) :)

ANYWAY - Our little family is traveling this weekend - going to have a Mother's Day/my mom's birthday weekend in Illinois.

I just wanted to wish all the Mamas and Mamas-to-Be out there a lovely Mother's Day. Serving God by serving our kids is just about the coolest job ever - and no one could do exactly what you can do for your family. It's precious. Enjoy your day and know you are LOVED!

all we need is a really old map

2009-05-06T14:38:00.003-04:00

What do you call the person who doesn't HUNT for treasure - but hides it from everyone else?

Hazel likes putting things into other things. Sometimes this involves putting things away - mostly not.

For example:

One of her cloth wipes (which she removed from the diaper bag and travel case) is inside her coffee pot, inside her sink in her play kitchen.

An orange ball in Mama's shoe.

And (in case my photographic skills don't allow you to determine this): My cell phone, my car keys and a clothespin, all inside a box of crackers. Seconds later, she also put the remote control in there - but alas, the box could not handle such treasure and tipped over.

I imagine there are many conversations in my future that start with, "Hazel, have you seen Mama's fill-in-the-blank?"

go from giggles to tears in 5.7 seconds (updated)

2009-05-04T08:27:00.003-04:00

Okay - so here's another one of my occasional calls for help/input/information/encouragement:

I have a lovely, charming, curious and energetic almost-15-month-old daughter. She is very smart and aware, and although she only says a few actual words right now - she understands MANY MANY more than that.

A few weeks ago, she started pitching an enormous fit every time a diaper change came around. Back arched, screaming, kicking her legs... the initial few seconds is always rather loud (now that it's summer, I'm sure the neighbors can hear her....) and she calms down a bit - but often cries, fusses or strains against me/her dad throughout the process.

She's also fully mobile now - walking quickly and steadily where she needs/wants to go... and with that has come a whole new level of mama-attachment. I know this is age appropriate and not a bad thing... but the bad part comes when any movement I make away from her (to set her down, walk to the kitchen, etc...) is met with a bright red face, crocodile tears and more piercing screams.

Her schedule is early (bed at 7:00) and she usually eats dinner around 5:00 - and we often don't get to eat until she is almost or completely finished (because Mark's not home, or dinner's not ready, or we're just plain not hungry that early). She wants to get out of her high chair, but then won't leave us alone - crying, whining, arms up to be held, and she won't sit still on our laps while we eat either. I've started telling her calmly to find books, toys and other things, and that Mama and Daddy are eating dinner and aren't ready to play. It's not really helping yet, but it's something.

She also has a tendency to get aggressive when she gets mad - she'll scratch, pinch or flail (often hitting people and/or things).

Oh, and there's also a new, lovely whiny noise that she makes whenever frustrated or tired/crabby. (and whiny noises are high on Mama's list of pet peeves...)

So here's the pitch:

I'm not sure how to teach her what is acceptable and what is not, at this particular age. I know that I cannot avoid all fits/tantrums/whining... she's obviously learning and figuring out how she can express herself, and that's normal. However - I want her to know that whining is not an OK way to communicate with me or with her Daddy. I want to be able to eat dinner without being serenaded by her crying and whining. I want to change her diaper without getting a headache, and I want to teach her that she cannot hit or pinch or whack things/people when she is mad.

Soooo... do any of you experienced mamas out there have any good tips for training a very young, very smart, very stubborn, very emotional little one? (I'm not sure how I feel about physical consequences (a swat on the diaper, for example), and from my limited experience, ignoring her completely does not work either... but I'm open to considering any suggestions).

Most of the day - she's funny and full of life and is an absolute joy to hang out with. But these moments are enough to make my head spin a bit... and with another little one on its way (only three more months - ack!!) - I need to make some progress here. Or at least have a plan.

Thanks!

***Updated***
I'm enjoying the comments so far - I just wanted to be sure that it was clear we are not doing nothing at this point - we're doing the very calm "Hazel, stop screaming" and other directions, holding her hands still for a moment if she has tried/is trying to hit or pinch something/someone, and I often am calmly explaining that Mama is busy and will hold her soon. Redirection also works sometimes (she loves to go get a book to read).
Here's the thing - I don't want the behavior to just stop... I want her to learn why it has to stop, so she'll stop it herself. I haven't tried time-out with her yet (and I'll give it a whirl) - but my inclination is that it's not my favorite discipline tool - I'm not sure that isolation is a great consequence, and I fully believe that many kids out there are able to endure a time-out with no change in attitude and without having to really evaluate their behavior.
That being said, I haven't tried it yet, so I could be putting my foot into my mouth...
I'm having fun reading people's thoughts though - so keep 'em coming!

walkin in the rain

2009-05-01T16:20:00.004-04:00

On our (almost) daily walk 'round the neighborhood, we came across a heckuva garage sale... and scored big...

I got (for Hazel):
three sunsuits
one dress
one jumper
overalls & matching top
jeans (with tags on)
leggings (with tags on)
cardigan sweater
a pair of cute, sturdy, purple sneakers
... all for $13.75

And I scored a crib, mattress, changing table, changing pad and dresser set for $150... the crib will go to my parents' house (we already have a 2nd crib coming) and we'll keep the dresser/changing table for Baby's room. The uber friendly folks in my neighborhood even drove all the stuff over to our house (all of 15 seconds away) and unloaded it into my garage for me, since Mark won't be home until late tonight. An afternoon of good deals and meeting new friendly mamas is a good afternoon in my book.

Especially during a day when my daughter had multiple personality disorder and went from absolute adorable angel to inconsolable tantrum-throwing toddler maniac (and back), oh say - 12 or 87 times.

Now it's 7:22 pm, my daughter is asleep, my hubby won't be home for hours, and I'm pooped. Time to relax on the couch

she loves the kitchen, oh yes ma'am

2009-04-29T14:54:00.004-04:00

Helping with the dishes...

And cleaning out the cupboards...

She's Mama's Little Helper - that's for sure!

regularly scheduled programming

2009-04-28T10:06:00.002-04:00

PHEW.

We're back from our trip... and I'll just say that taking a toddler (with a head cold) to a hotel for four nights is not exactly my idea of vacation. (Praise God for hotel pools that open early!!) It's absolutely downright lovely to be back home.

Thanks for the encouraging words & thoughts after my last post. I think I know what's necessary to help my heart and my spirit - even if my actual situation and circumstances don't improve (or change in the way I want them to change, to be more precise).

One of the absolute toughest parts (for me) in becoming a parent for the first time was the completely unexpected loss of sense of myself. I hadn't realized how strongly I had tied my identity to my activities and involvements - my career, my volunteering, my role as a wife (in a home without children). But once Hazel was born - I was simultaneously head-over-heels in love with a beautiful baby girl... and absolutely lost and reeling, wondering where I had gone.

I've been working on re-knitting my identity in the past year-plus, and it has been slow work - a few steps forward, a few steps back. My heart knows many things about my calling and my role as a mama - but my head often struggles with my selfishness and with the conflicting messages about motherhood that permeate our society.

Even now, as I'm committed to entrenching myself in the discovery of God's design for motherhood - the purpose and mission of my job for many years to come - in the midst of my excitement, I am a wee bit nervous about the change.

Will it be harder to relate to my friends who don't have kids?

Will I become one of those moms who can only talk about "mom things?"

Will I put too much focus on being a mama, and not enough on the other roles God calls me to play?

I don't know the answers to these questions for certain - but I'm fairly sure that at times, I will answer "YES!" to all of them... because I'm a regular old flawed gal, just doing the best she can.

But I am encouraged that I am not playing ANY of the roles in my life by accident or happenstance... God has placed ME specifically in each one of them - and by His grace, by walking in faith in a wonderful and powerful Lord, by prayer and petition and new mercies each and every day... I am able to fill those roles.

I believe that He is not sorry He put me here... He is not ashamed of me.

I believe that He is filled with love that I cannot comprehend - and waiting, just waiting, for me to go to Him for help and guidance.

What a thought.

fraying

2009-04-20T19:13:00.002-04:00

I feel like my edges are fraying.

I'm having a hard time preventing the unraveling of the "fabric of me"... there is an edginess and irritability in my mind that I do. not. appreciate. It makes me less of a wife, less of a mama, less of a friend. The people in my life deserve more than "less" of me.

But I'm not entirely sure how to beat it.

I think the problem lies mainly in the fact that I've gotten to a point where I *need* something to change very quickly (as in, five minutes ago) - but change is s-l-o-w in coming. And it's just not a situation where I can do much to control the rate of change.

The fabric of my patience is worn and holey. It appears moths have attacked my peace and chewed gaps in my joy.

I don't want to feel broken - I don't want thin little threads holding the precarious pieces of myself together... I want to feel strong, competent, whole and purposeful. I want to be a blessing to my husband; a loving, patient mother to my daughter; and a joy and comfort to my friends. Instead, I feel disappointed in myself for not being tougher - I never thought I would feel so incapable, so unfit, so unable to deal.

I know that the Lord is the only one who can weave all my loose ends back in. I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness, and that the peace He can give me passes all understanding. I know these things. And I know that God is good all the time - no matter what state my heart is in.

I have no good conclusion - no pretty bow to put on the end of this post. I guess that's fitting. I'll just take a deep breath, spend some time with my Jesus, and begin tomorrow with His new mercies. Amen for that.

(Oh - and Hazel and I will be out of town and away from blog-land until probably Monday... so if I don't post again until then, don't worry. I haven't unraveled completely (hope, pray) - just gone on a little trip).

our favorite joke

2009-04-17T20:11:00.003-04:00

Anyone who's ever been pregnant, or been married to someone who's been pregnant or has expected a child in any way knows that likely The Most Common Thing Ever Said to People Expecting A Baby/Child (particularly the first one) goes a little sumpthin' like this:

"Oh, your life is REALLY going to change!" (always pronounced in a tone that belies the unending wisdom borne of one who has survived the rigors and challenges and hardships of parenting.)

At which point, Expectant Woman and/or Man Married to Expectant Woman smile(s) politely, pretends s/he has not heard this eleventy-billion times before, and continues on his/her way.

Because really - the fact that having a baby is life-changing is one of those things that you KNOW, but you can't REALLY KNOW until it happens. And you know it. You know?

Anyway - Mark and I wearied (as have many expectant couples before us) of hearing variations of those words of wisdom, and since the life-changing (gasp!) birth of our daughter, have applied our vast and renowned comedic skills to the situation and come up with a joke that is pretty much NEVER NOT FUNNY. (To us - the slightly sleep-deprived, expectant-again parents of a busy, adorable toddler...)

Whenever parenthood proves tough or inconvenient or involves some sort of dying-to-self (which is roughly every 1.87 minutes, I think) - we look at each other and one of us quips, oh-so-cleverly:

"Why didn't ANYONE tell us that parenting would be hard??"

And then we laugh so hard that we cry (or pretend that we are so that there seems to be a fun and funny reason for the tears), congratulate ourselves on our impeccable wit, and get on with the tough, inconvenient, dying-to-self task at hand.

And although we may not actually BE FUNNY (shhh... don't tell us!) - we come out the other side a little better for having laughed, a little comforted in our not-so-aloneness, and a little more able to pick up the parenting cross and keep on truckin.

fuzzies

2009-04-13T15:58:00.002-04:00

Hazel likes to pick teeny tiny things up.

The itsy-bitsiest morsels are offered to me... pudgy baby hands extending gifts of unspeakable value... most of the time - it's little (almost miniscule, sometimes completely invisible and imaginary) pieces of lint.

Fuzzies, if you will.

I find it amusing that she notices and picks up these ridiculously tiny fuzzies. And that she gives them to me with a grin that belies her thoughts: "I am giving Mama the BEST thing ever!!"

Too often as an adult, I am irritated by my life's "fuzzies." (Both metaphorical fuzzies and ACTUAL pieces of lint).

Today, my eyes and brain are fuzzy from lack of sleep. Other days, fuzzies take different shapes: piles of laundry, unexpected bills, a dishwasher that seems incapable of WASHING the dishes...

I kick the fuzzies. I chew them out, mentally hurling insults and threats at these inconveniences in my day. I do not look at them and see small treasures, waiting to be discovered.

What if I took the same view my daughter does... and use household chores as an opportunity to give a gift to someone else? Turn up the music, sing along, and smile - knowing that I am serving, working for the Lord and not for men, and just love on those around me.

My fuzzy brain had me on edge this morning - but thanks to a faithful God and some specially-requested prayers being offered up by a faithful husband - I am no longer on edge. Sure, I'm still tired. I wish I had gotten more sleep - I wish my daughter had gotten more sleep.

But I'll use my quietness today to be still and listen for Jesus. Take a moment to rest and "be," when I might normally be inclined to "do." And find sweet, simple joy in making bread for dinner, cookies for fun, and playing on the living room floor with my girl.

And graciously accepting every single gift of lint she gives me.

a seat for our little talmidah

2009-04-11T09:59:00.001-04:00

how do they know??

2009-04-10T14:20:00.002-04:00

So we're getting a nice sized tax refund this year - and I know that it's technically better to NOT get a refund (because then the government hasn't been sitting on your $$ all that time when it could have been earning interest in your bank account) - I still like the "extra" money.

Mark and I are usually fairly dull when it comes to how we treat unexpected monetary income... we give some away (church, YoungLife, etc...) and then we put it in the bank.

Yawn.

This year, I "decided" (as the one who does the taxes, the bills and all the general accounting) that we should each get a small sum to spend on fun things. Whatever we wanted. Mark, Hazel and I would each get our share, and the rest we could "spend" in our own unique, dull way.

First - I have NO IDEA what to spend my money on. Everything that I can think to buy is for Hazel. I think I'll get myself some new cute shoes - something comfy but trendy-Mama-on-the-go type. But not sure what to spend the rest on.

Second, and more important - we spent most of Hazel's money on a fabulous "little" armchair from Pottery Barn Kids for her. I say "little" because my pregnant behind can fit in this chair j-u-s-t fine. And I must say, it's a comfy little spot.

Anyway - we *love* this chair. I'm partially embarrassed that we spent this money on a chair (from PBK!!) for our almost 14-month-old daughter... but it's wonderful. It's slipcovered in denim, so it matches our couches, it's sturdy, it's light, and it's big enough that she won't grow out of it in 3.7 minutes (or 28 years, apparently....)

Since it arrived at our home on Wednesday night, an interesting phenomenon has occurred... Hazel is showing her first signs of true territorialism. If I sit in the chair - she comes over, and starts trying to push me out of it!! She'll leave behind other toys and books and beeline for whoever is in "her" seat.

How does she KNOW it's hers?? It's been in our house for less than 48 hours.

I think babies have a radar for normally-adult-sized things that have been made smaller just for them. She's never been super territorial about her toys at all - she doesn't care if we play with them (sometimes she cares if another baby plays with them...) But her chair - oh boy - her chair is OFF LIMITS to all not named Hazel Maryn.

Really, I kinda love how much she loves it.

Oh -and the best part about the chair is the personalization - it says "Talmidah" in bright pink thread. (Talmidah is Hebrew for disciple (the feminine version)). We love it.

And so, on this Good Friday, as I watch my daughter stake her claim on Armchair Territory - I am still reminded that I am His Talmidah... and there is much to take to heart today.

maybe I'll just write a book

2009-04-07T14:41:00.004-04:00

I wouldn't be writing the book because I think I'm in any way an expert. On anything.

Just that sometimes it helps me to write things down... it organizes my thoughts and makes things seem more concrete when I put words to the floating notions in my brain. (Hence the blog, right?)

My thoughts the past few nights have turned toward my philosophy on babies and sleeping. Hazel had a rather rough first year of life when it came to sleep - naptime, nighttime, you name it - we struggled. But somewhere around her 1st birthday we began to hit a rhythm, and she's been doing (mostly) really well since then.

Except for the slightly undesirable trend of the past few nights... which is to wake up sometime between 2:00am and 4:00am, and proceed to NOT fall back asleep for an hour or more. Usually more.

In the wee small hours of the morning, this tired mama has plenty of time to ponder what I'll affectionately dub "Sleep Tactics."

I read just about every sleep-baby book out there. Lots of great ideas, none of which work in entirety. Trial and error and piecing together bits of "expert" advice have led me to these conclusions (at least in reference to this particular baby of mine...):

1. I DO NOT believe in letting a baby cry it out. I have a physical reaction when my child is screaming, and it actually pains me to not provide comfort.

2. That being said - I do believe in letting a baby FUSS it out. There's a big difference - and Hazel often needs a few minutes of fuss-time in order to unwind and fall asleep. I think it's akin to the tossing/turning/pillow-shuffling we often do before falling asleep. I don't go into Hazel's room as soon as I hear a peep or two... but I will go in once "peeping" becomes screaming.

3. I believe that babies probably will learn to fall asleep "on their own" faster if you let them cry it out. However - I mostly believe that they're learning that you won't come and answer them if they cry - not necessarily how to self-soothe. I know that I've created a Sleep Tactic system that is more work for me by NOT letting Hazel scream in the middle of the night... but I'm okay with that.

4. Learning to ignore the shrieks of my child is not a lesson in which I am interested. I want her to trust that I will comfort her when she cries, and that her daddy and I are nearby. Sometimes a kid just needs an extra snuggle or two to fall back asleep. And since my little lady will only be little for a short while, I'm willing to oblige.

5. EVERYTHING I've just said works for me - not necessarily for any other mama. Or any other baby, for that matter. I could be totally changing my tune in a few months. But this is what I've developed with Hazel and I - and even though I'm sleepier today than I want to be, I feel confident in the choices I've made regarding how to handle our nighttime dates. And that's a good feeling.

However, if I happened to find an instruction book that God wrote just for Hazel's Mama... I'd throw away all my own nonsense and follow it letter for letter. :)

He is God, and He is GOOD!!

2009-04-02T16:05:00.001-04:00

Here's the update on our littlest family member:

We had an ultrasound scan this morning at U of M - lots of measuring and looking and measuring some more...

There are no cysts in Baby's kidney - but there IS fluid that is not draining. It appears that Baby has a small blockage at the uretero-pelvic junction (UPJ - which is where the kidney meets the tube that connects to the bladder, aka the ureter). The obstruction is not allowing all of the fluid (urine) to drain from that kidney, so it's building up. It's called unilateral hydronephrosis. Means "on one side, there is water in the kidney."

This is "better" than cysts - no abnormal growths, and since my amniotic fluid is measuring perfectly on track, it appears that both kidneys are still functioning normally... just that one of them (the right one) cannot drain the way it should. No one seems to be sure WHY this happens - it's just one of those things...

I'll go back for another scan in a month or two to check and make sure nothing has changed/gotten worse - but this will PROBABLY be handled fairly easily once Baby is born (a catheter-ish contraption will likely be used to break up the blockage, or occasionally these conditions actually clear up on their own!).

There is a possibility that things could get worse, or that surgery would be required if the other procedure was ineffective - but those are just possibilities.

We are breathing much more easily today, and praising God for His faithfulness and timing. And we are so grateful to the community of family and friends that have shown us support and love - we're really blessed!!

be still and know...

2009-03-31T15:35:00.002-04:00

That He is God.

As you can see from my previous post -we had our 20-week ultrasound this morning. It was (as always) wonderful to see on screen the life that's growing... lots of kicks and wiggles; a strong, beating heart; arms, hands, fingers, toes, legs...

We found out at the end of our appointment that our ultrasound revealed what appears to be several cysts on Baby's right kidney... so we are being referred to the University of Michigan for follow-up (fancier ultrasounds and docs who specialize in prenatal kidney issues). We don't know much right now, so we're just in a holding pattern... until Thursday morning and our next round of testing is done, there's no reason to get too worked up.

I am sad that we didn't get "Hey, your baby looks perfect!!" today - but God is good all the time, and there is much to be thankful for.

Prayers for peace and health are much appreciated - I'll be sure to post an update when we have one.

the littlest one in the house

2009-03-31T13:23:00.003-04:00

Meet our Littlest One!

15 Reasons Why I Love My Husband

2009-03-22T20:21:00.003-04:00

Elizabeth has a sweet post up today about her husband, and encouraged others to do the same...

And I'd love to share a list of fifteen things I love about Mark with all of you...

But right now, one thing is stopping me:

He'd hate for me to post a public list of why I love him. He doesn't need that to be open knowledge, and would prefer that it just stays between him and me.

And so, because of that and so many, many other reasons... I will refrain from sharing my "list" with you in this space.

Suffice it to say that he is a man of integrity, humor, energy, wit and love - and I am beyond blessed to be his wife.

In the meantime - go read Elizabeth's list, because it's great.

sunshine and cake

2009-03-20T09:23:00.003-04:00

The sun has been shining a lot (for MI in March, at least) this week.

I don't know anyone who hasn't been loving it.

My spirit and my thoughts are so much higher when it's sunny - and while I comprehend why that happens - I also find it mildly disturbing. Why should I be so fickle in my mood swings that I am notably more relaxed and cheerful when the sun shines? And isn't that a dangerous phenomenon in a state that only sees an average of 71 sunny days per year...

But the sorry truth is that my moods are extremely fickle - and not just when it comes to sunshine. Lots of things can throw me off - a cranky baby, messes in the kitchen, a bad night's sleep.

I've decided I want to focus more on tying my joy to things that are a wee bit more predictable. And I've been doing better at this, due in part to my attempt at giving up complaining for Lent (I'm pretty sure I fail every day, but I'm trying hard, and I do notice a difference).

I know that when my eyes and heart are trained heavenward, everything else becomes icing on the cake - and that's a great feeling.

The sun IS shining today, and I AM loving that, but... Today, I am saved by grace. Today, I can talk to my Savior and He will listen. Today I can read His words and get to know Him better. Today, I am madly in love with my husband, and madly in love with daughter, and madly in love with the Little One growing inside. Today, I sit inside a warm house with toys scattered on the floor - life and love are in this place.

Today, those things are my cake. Beautiful sunshine - that's just icing, baby.

worth a thousand words

2009-03-18T14:38:00.001-04:00

Got to love playing outside after dinner.

full

2009-03-16T20:30:00.002-04:00

Today was calm. Normal. I washed, dried & put away dishes... washed, dried & folded laundry (haven't put it away yet)... changed diapers, went for walks (yup, that's plural!), made meals, answered emails, wiped counters, wiped tears, chatted with neighbors, cleaned the living room fifteen or so times...

Ordinary. Regular. Usual.

And so very full. Every moment, every corner of my day, was FULL. Full of life and full of emotion and full of wonder and love and REALness.

God has put a sincere appreciation and quiet in my heart today - there are so many things about which I can (and do) choose to feel discontent. Silly things. Temporary distractions, faux essentials, misguided ideals.

Today, my heart recognized the abundance of true gifts in my life - and I chose to savor those above working myself up over the tiny "injustices" that sprinkle themselves throughout my days.

I have a warm house in a safe neighborhood. I am blessed beyond blessed to share my life with a man I find simultaneously hilarious, inspiring, and studly. I have a beautiful daughter who makes me laugh every single day. There is another precious little life growing inside me right now, and I get to feel it kick and wiggle and grow.

My list could go on and on... but I want to get back to savoring. Basking in the ordinary, soaking up the norm.

So full.

a day for the books

2009-03-13T19:53:00.002-04:00

Yesterday... Thursday, March 12, 2009... Hazel figured out walking.

She's been taking one step and falling, one step and stopping to sit down, one step and falling again... for awhile now. She was having more fun being caught by her mama and daddy when she fell over than she was having learning to walk.

But yesterday she actually put together 8 or so steps and did not crash... she just stopped and stood there.

And I just have to say - baby walking is just about the cutest possible thing in the world. Her shoulders tense up with the effort, her feet lift high in the air and stomp back down again... and I had one of my first true I'm Such A Proud Mama experiences. She had to work to learn how to do this, and she had to try over and over again, and try hard.

Way to go, baby girl.

it's not LATE if it hasn't been a month since it happened, right?

2009-03-10T15:50:00.002-04:00

Soo... here's some fun pictures from the past month (aka my baby's birthday!!)

(My Kid with a Bow on Her Head, My Kid with Cake All Over Herself, The Cow Cake I Made for One of her Parties, in Honor of Barnyard Dance, One of Our Favorite Books, and The Best Birthday Face You Ever Saw)

Enjoy!

the past few days... The End

2009-03-07T13:55:00.003-05:00

It's kinda tough to say what kind of week it's been... is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?? I've survived tough moments, laughed out loud, shed more than a few tears, received dozens of baby kisses, woken to cries in the middle of the night and taken sweet afternoon naps with my little girl. Good and bad, tough and beautiful - there have been many moments.

I've found myself struggling a lot with self-esteem as it relates to my role as Mama lately. Turns out that I am a person who thrives on feedback - it doesn't have to be direct, but I do really love having some idea of how I'm doing... some kind of measuring stick.

Measuring sticks are strange things when it comes to parenthood. Doing a good job doesn't always feel good. Giving your kid what s/he needs doesn't always result in smiles and good sleep. Plus - 12 month old toddlers don't tend to give much feedback (except in the occasional point, whine, giggle, or scream - all left to your own interpretation).

The humbling thing that I've been realizing more recently is that my self-deprecation and doubt is a twisted-up form of pride. (Something I seem to struggle with a LOT).

I doubt my abilities as a mama.
I feel like I'm not doing it right, like I'm missing something.
Wouldn't someone else be better at this? What about all those other mamas out there who can handle screaming, crying, inconsolable babies at 1 in the morning - they must have something I don't have!

But when I doubt - when I question my role in this family - I am pulling my trust away from God and placing it in myself and in other people. However competent I am feeling from day to day...

God gave me these children to care for. He could have picked anyone in the world to be the parents of these precious children of His. He picked Mark and He picked me.

When I feel like I should be doing "more" than staying at home - I am demeaning an incredibly valuable role that God has been shaping for me. Really - these walls will represent the center of the universe for our kids for many years - the familiar place where they are loved, accepted, safe and cared for. How could I possibly think that my role as caretaker of our home and our children is any less valuable than any other job I could have??

I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with wondering whether I'm a "good enough" Mama - knowing that I could do better and wondering if I'll ever measure up.

I just pray that those thoughts and wonderings are always followed quickly by the truth - God is in control, He is faithful, He is wise... and He put me here.

What a relief.

Part Two... the past few days

2009-03-05T12:41:00.002-05:00

(I'm gonna have to keep up with things here, otherwise there will be MANY more installations in "the past few days"... as it's now been almost a week... oh well).

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mama. I loved baby dolls, playing house and pretending to be a mommy. I don't recall being concerned in the slightest about the Daddy Figure until high school - it was assumed in my young mind that there was a Daddy, of course - but I didn't dwell on romantic notions of true love. It was all about Mama.

When I was old enough, I started babysitting - and loved it. I volunteered in the church nursery from junior high until last year. I led vacation bible school classes for preschoolers, watched other people's babies and small children, and loved snuggling little bodies close any chance I could get. People told me I was good with kids and babies - and I was. And I loved it. It was a calling that felt beyond me, almost... like I was born to hang out with little kids, born to be Mama.

By contrast, I didn't decide on the Academic Adviser career path until sometime in graduate school (a difference of two decades at least in terms of my Vocational Calling Timeline). That process was much more exploratory and experience-based. I knew from several previous jobs that I wanted to get a higher education administration degree. So I did. From there I gathered experience in Residence Life, Student Life, teaching and more - and decided to pursue jobs in academic affairs. Experience, thought and reflection led me to academic advising - not a burning passion or gift that I was born with.

Last Friday I spent a full day with my former peers and coworkers. We talked "shop" and I was transported back into the mindset of Professional Katie at her Old Job. People were glad to see me, still valued my input, and I was reminded that (despite my lack of "divine calling" to the profession) I had been a talented and respected member of the advising team.

When I juxtapose that feeling - that slightly wistful remembrance - with my hodge-podge of emotions regarding my New Job... I don't know quite what conclusion to draw.

You see, even though I dreamt of being Mama my ENTIRE LIFE, and had this so-called natural gift with babies... the reality of being a Mama exists in so many days that feel so very far beyond me. I am shocked - and often deeply unsettled, to be honest - at how frequently I feel grossly incompetent. I NEVER expected parenthood to be easy - but I did expect it to feel a bit more natural, more instinctual. But there are days when an incredibly fussy and tired baby simply cannot be talked into naptime... and there are nights when my baby daughter awakes, teething and in pain, and nothing - NOTHING - I do will comfort her.

I feel so lost in those moments - so unsure of myself and my abilities. It often seems prideful and silly in the light of day when things are running along smoothly... but the truth is that I sometimes seriously wonder why I'm not better at this. If I was so meant to be a Mama - why can I not comfort my child when she's in pain? Why can I not calm her down and lay her in bed for a naptime without shrieking and tears? Why do I struggle so hard to see the bigger picture, to gain the wider perspective... why, when I know that this is a phase, and a tough one at that, do I I feel so guilty for not enjoying myself more? I have been given a beautiful gift in this little girl, and the child growing within me... how selfish and self-involved am I that I do not revel daily in my ability to be at home and take care of them??

This is why Friday's experiences unsettled my brain so much. I felt myself longing for the easier days of my Old Job. Days when I knew how good I was, knew what was expected, knew how to get the job done and done well.

But I don't want to go back. I love my New Job and I intend to keep it for as long as possible. But in order to do that, and to do it well (something that is extremely important to me, no matter what the task I'm tackling) I have to be focused. I felt my gaze torn between professional life and home life last week - and I can't grow in this New Job if I'm torn. I need to re-center and refocus and find ways to delight in the day-to-day happenings of my current role. And that's way tougher to do than it was before.

Stay tuned for Part Three... hopefully the last installment! Thanks for hanging in there for so long today!

the past few days... Part One

2009-03-03T19:12:00.004-05:00

Our weekend with the fam was good - thanks for all the happy thoughts and warm wishes! It was a ton of work, but I think that people enjoyed themselves and felt welcome and comfortable and glad to be around each other - and in the end, that's about all you can ask for.

My parents arrived Thursday afternoon, spent time with me and the Nut and then prepared themselves for Friday when they would be stepping into a role no one has truly held but me... All-Day Caretaker(s) for the BabyNut.

(As some of you may/may not know or remember - I've been working from home about 10h/week this (school) year for my old office in the College of Business. On Friday, the office was having a retreat day and they invited me/requested that I be present.)

So I left at 8:20 on Friday morning, not to return home until 3:30 or so - and (I know many of you will find this unthinkable) that is by far the longest I have been away from my girl since her birth. I know, it's weird... but when you're a nursing SAHM... there's not often a ton of reason to leave your kid for 7 or 8 hours at a stretch.

I had a great day. It was a little tough and strange to drive away with no humongous diaper bag and no carseat and no tiny person to look at in the rearview mirror... but a day among adults, talking about familiar things (that are currently completely alien to the life I'm now living),a tasty lunch buffet and some laughter with friends... it was a good thing. However, by a point somewhere near the end of the morning, I found myself feeling rather torn.

Here's the deal: Although it had its days (as all jobs do) - I really enjoyed my professional life. I liked my coworkers, I liked how I spent my days... and I was GOOD at it. I found fulfillment in my work and I received affirmation and satisfaction in tasks well done. I had passion and excitement and determination - and I think it showed and paid off.

Being back with those people, talking about what it means to do our jobs really well and reminding ourselves why we *love* the work we chose to do, even when it's hard... it started to tug at my insides a bit. Because I'm not in that work anymore - my New Job is not working at a large university, helping students make sense of their experience and providing complete and accurate academic information, planning events and enjoying school spirit... but as I sat there, the passion and excitement and determination came back to me. The reminder was both pleasant and unsettling - and here's why:

I have a New Job. I'm going to keep that New Job - I love it and I want it - and I don't want to "go back to work" - not even part-time. And with another bebe on the way - I am even more convinced that the New Job is the best possible place for me to be.

And because of that, I don't necessarily want to be reminded of how much I loved my Old Job and how good I was at it and how meaningful it could be (on the good days). That may sound crazy (and I think it is a bit)... but I'll have to fill you in a little more on my thought process in Part Two.

Right now, it's hubby's birthday and I'm going to go celebrate another year of his life.

worker bees

2009-02-26T14:03:00.002-05:00

It's been a busy week. My family (parents, sister, brother & sister-in-law) are coming into town from IL this weekend to have a great big shebang for the BabyNut's first birthday. And my dad's birthday, sister-in-law's birthday, and hubby's birthday - which all fall within 2.5 weeks of each other. Phew!

I have been cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, organizing, straightening, scrubbing, wiping, grocery shopping, folding and putting toys away again and again and again.

And I think we're ready.

This blog will be a little quiet (big shock from the past week, I know!) for the next few days, but I promise to try very hard to not neglect my three or four faithful readers after that.

Have a lovely weekend - enjoy yourself and remember to find joys in the small moments!!

new world

2009-02-17T19:24:00.002-05:00

I have a daughter.

How old is she, you ask?

She's ONE!!

Happy (late) Birthday, darling baby girl. You have grown my heart, my character and my love so abundantly this year. So many smiles, so many tears, so many heart-swelling moments have passed between us. I adore your face, your sweet smile, the way your eyes sparkle and the fact that whenever confronted with anything or anyone new, you frown.

It has been such a treat to watch you grow and change this year, Hazel Maryn. I am thrilled to be the woman chosen to be your mama - to get to watch your life unfold. God has big, beautiful plans for you, and I pray that you will learn to lean on Him and follow His path. I'm still working on that myself, but I will do my very best to show you how to seek Him, how to fall on His grace, and that no matter what - no matter what - He is good.

Here's to a heckuva year, little Hazelnut. Happy Birthday!

Most Improved Mama

2009-02-13T15:06:00.003-05:00

Now I don't really know about the title Most Improved Mama - or who exactly I'd be compared to in order to earn said title - but lately, I'm noticing small areas of improvement in my Mama-ing skills.

Mark tries to tell me I was "born to do this" and that I'm a "natural." Ha. I'm naturally flawed and born to screw something up every single day... it's so much harder than I thought it would be. To know what to do, to wonder how to handle discipline of a child who cannot even speak yet, to get to the point of frustration where I just want to scream, to feel so small and insignificant in my little world of Stay-At-Home...

And yet, I see myself making progress.

The days when Mark is out of town are always hard. Normally - I look very forward to 4:30ish when he comes home - the parenting load can be split into two pieces. On the Daddy-Travel-Days... no such thing. By bedtime - both Hazel and I are in need of a break from each other. But it used to be so much harder. Maybe I'm more relaxed, maybe I'm better at finding little joys, maybe Hazel is more interactive and playful and that makes things easier... I'm sure it's some combo of these things.

But I do like that although we both miss Daddy VERY MUCH while he is gone... I do not dread the days I am alone with BabyNut.

Makes me feel like a Most Improved Mama.

Also gives me an inkling that I just *might* be able to handle being Mama of Two Under Two. (and since there's no turning back, that's a good thing!)

To close - some pictures of my precious, funny baby daughter - who will join the ranks of Those Who Have Turned ONE on Sunday. Behold:

The First Pigtails!

Smiley Faces

Happy Little SuperScooter!

it may be strange, but I love it

2009-02-10T20:02:00.002-05:00

I had my 13-week appointment with my midwife today. (Sidenote: I pretty much love her. She works out of my doctors' office and is basically incredibly cool and friendly and really good at the whole bedside-manner thing. Something many of my doctors were NOT so good at).

I did the whole Step on the Scale, Pee in the Cup, Take the Blood Pressure, Any Questions? Thing and was waiting for Midwife to arrive to commence the actual appointment. I could hear through the wall what was going on in the next exam room... the voices were muffled, but there was no mistaking the sounds. The slow, rhythmic whoosh - whoosh - whoosh of the Doppler Thingymawhatsit, followed by rapid-fire whooshwhooshwhooshwhoosh of unborn baby's heart beating in its mama's belly.

And I just sat there, silently soaking in the beautiful sound of another woman's unborn baby's heartbeat.

I love that sound. Obviously, I love it a lot, and with a fairly personal reason when it's my own child... but there is such hope, such life in that joyful noise... it calms my spirit.

Now this morning, I did not get to hear my own child's heartbeat (Baby was a little too busy to be bothered with holding still for Midwife) - so I got a surprise treat and got to SEE Baby's heartbeat (and waving arms and kicky legs and perfect little face) instead.

And I've been floating on that all day.

It may be weird - but I love that office. I know that there are heartbreaking stories that unfold in those rooms (and I cried my own heartbroken tears there about two years ago now) - but that doesn't change for me the fact there is an undeniable and beautiful hope of life there. Pregnant women are constantly in and around the hallways - excited, nervous, exhausted - pictures of babies adorn the walls and the halls echo with the Doppler Thingymawhatsit's evidence of new life.

It's good for my soul.

what a difference a day makes

2009-02-05T15:02:00.005-05:00

Tuesday night, Hazel was awake from 2:00am until 4:00am... and not just awake - screaming/crying/shrieking awake. And since we're still working on her learning how to fall asleep on her own (without a mama-milk date and without being rocked in the big, squashy blue chair)... those two hours were mostly full of Mark and I laying in bed, trying to not feel hideous and neglectful as our baby daughter sobbed in the next room (in between going in to check on her and reassure her that it's OK to fall asleep, which pretty much always only makes her cry harder).

Last night, I nursed Hazel as part of the usual bedtime routine (nap, pjs, nursing, storytime) and then again before I went to bed. The second nursing session terrified me to my very core because it involved entering her room, picking her up out of her crib and feeding her... and trying to do all that without really waking her up, and hoping that she'd fall straight back to sleep afterward. Our sleep battles have been so intense this last year - it's just so hard for me to touch a sleeping Hazel.

Praise God - I don't think she actually woke up at all, even though she nursed - she went straight back to bed without a peep, and then proceeded to sleep the entire rest of the night. And I was in bed so early that I was able to get up early, shower and spend some time in the Word BEFORE she woke up at 6:30. She got 11.5 hours of sleep, I got almost 8, and today has been a lovely day.

I don't know if it's too much to hope for a repeat, or for the installation of a new trend here... but my heart is a little lighter, knowing that there's some hope.

No matter what - this kid makes me laugh out loud every single day and she can't even talk yet! Sleepytime may be rough, but mamahood has some serious perks. I'll roll with the bad days and know that there's always tomorrow!

funny little contradictions

2009-02-01T14:55:00.002-05:00

Opposites attract... so "they" say.

I'm not sure if I agree, or if I am more inclined to notice the white when it's set against something black... if the dark is shadowier because of the bright lights that are shining nearby.

This week has been full of small moments playing host to large contradictions. (While that sentence seems really cool when I read it, I'm sure it makes very little actual sense). Allow me to explain:

I have felt a bit used up, empty and dried out - Michigan winters coupled with endless household tasks can do that to a gal. The next thing I know, I'm feeling so very full of precarious emotion that it takes actual physical energy to keep myself in check (I'm sure some of this is hormone-related, but that doesn't mean my volatility is any less real). I could barely sing along with the worship team this morning at church because I just wanted to sit down and bawl.

Hazel's been a bit trying lately - we're still battling sleep issues (shocker!!) - the past two nights have been downright putrid, and her naps have been, if anything, worse than that. I felt like we were making such progress, and then to struggle so hard just to get her poor little worn-out self to get the rest it needs... it's disheartening. But this week has also been sprinkled with wonderful, God-graced times of laughter and sheer joy that I get to be her Mama... she is so smart and funny - growing and learning and displaying her spunky little personality. I just love watching her grow and change.

I don't think I could really describe this past week holistically... it's been ridiculously hard and wonderfully relaxing, a little monotonous and vigorously emotional, frustrating to the point of groaning out loud and so uplifting it makes me want to dance.

Really, I don't think these opposites are attracting each other - but I can find some joy and wisdom in their stark contrast.

I will walk through valleys and under clouds, knowing that there are still waters and rays of sunshine waiting for me.

I don't need to force myself to appear strong and together and happy all the time - but I do need to set my heart on the joy of the everlasting each morning.

Sometimes my days feel like a mini-war-zone... but I can guard my mind with the peace of God.

So here's to another week of funny little contradictions.