You Know You're a Mama When... + an actual post

You Know You're a Mama When... you look forward to your yearly *ahem* doctor's visit because you get to go a.l.o.n.e.

Look! Two weeks in a row! :)
~~
I've always been an avid reader. I was one of those kids who would check out 10 books, and be back a week later for 10 more. One of those kids who probably spent more time at the library than at the pool in the summertime (although if you could see my skin, you'd understand why staying out of the sun in the summertime is a Good Thing for me).

I haven't had many new books to read lately, and I'm starting to itch for some written words... And so, dear internet friends of mine, I would like to ask for your input.

Read any good books lately?

I like all kinds of things, but I'm particularly interested in finding some good books about parenting. I've looked up lots of different books online, but I'd love to know if any of you have specific recommendations. My brain needs to be challenged, folks. It's melting away into mommyhood. So hit me with your best shot - I've got parenting-type books in mind, but I'm dying to hear about ANY of the good books you may have read lately (or are still reading and are thoroughly enjoying).

Thanks!!

tribute

To everyone out there...
~ Who has sat up at night and held a child in her arms
~ Who has looked into the eyes of her child for the first time and realized how much love a heart can hold
~ Who has learned not to bat an eyelash when covered in all manner of bodily fluids... someone else's bodily fluids
~ Who struggles to take up the cross of motherhood daily, that her children might catch the smallest glimpse of Christ in her life
~ Who has prayed for the heart of her child, long before he or she was even born
~ Who has quivered just a bit at the responsibility of tending a child's heart
~ Who has kissed owies, wiped runny noses and soothed tears - all the while wishing she could bear the pain herself
~ Whose life is full of laundry, dishes, diapers and more...

And who wouldn't want it any other way.

Happy Mother's Day!
(okay, I know it's three days early, but we leave tomorrow for a visit with my family, and I wanted to get this post up there - for all the incredible moms I know in real life, and all the incredible moms I've "met" online - Happy Mother's Day!)

numbers

I like numbers. Here are a few that are representative of my life.

Last Friday, Hazel and I finished our first 5K (3.1 miles) in 44 minutes and 11 seconds. Not bad for an 11-week postpartum Mama pushing a 14 pound baby in a stroller/car seat combo that weighs about 34 pounds. We finished in 561st place out of 659 people.

Last night, between the hours of 1:31am and 3:24am I changed a crib sheet 1 time, changed the changing pad cover 2 times, fed my daughter 2 times, changed her pajamas 2 times and murmered silent prayers for sleep... oh, I lost count. (No, she's not sick. Just went to bed too early and decided to be awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night. Daddy took the shift for the last 45 minutes or so).

For the past 3 days I've gotten up early and done 3 sets of The Hundred (for anyone who knows/has experienced some pilates - this is an effective but rather deadly move. I have a love/hate relationship with it... but right now, the feelings I have toward my post-baby belly are triumphing over my disdain of The 100. And yes, The Hundred Must Be Capitalized). I've also done 3 sets of 15 reps of a standing side-bend with a 20-pound weight. Yesterday Hazel and I did 3 laps around our 1/2 mile "track" (our street loop). After Three Whole Days of such terrifically hard work - how is it that I don't see more progress? *wink* Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my virtues?

Yesterday I washed my every-other-day load of diapers - 10 prefolds and 8 pocket diapers, 22 cloth wipes and 3 hemp doublers. Today I will wash all the baby clothes that are soaked in spit up.

Gotta run - baby is awake after (finally) sleeping another almost-5 hours. Praise God!

new frontier

I'm thinking of starting something here on the blog - it may fall flat on its face, but hey - I like trying new things!
Every Tuesday (or every Tuesday that I'm around & remember to do this) - I'll be hosting "You Know You're a Mama When..." The past three months have been filled with so many of those moments (most of them pretty darn funny... at least, after the fact) that I thought it would be fun to share, and to hear from some of the other Mamas out there in bloggie-land.
Now, I don't have a pretty button for linkage purposes... and I have basically no html talents, so it may take me a little while to create something worthy. In the meantime, here's the first installment.

You Know You're a Mama When...
You're standing in the bathroom, blow-drying your shirt because you managed to leak through your nursing pad (again). And since you're going out in public that day, and you actually like the outfit you're wearing - you don't care that you'll spend the day walking around with dried breastmilk on your shirt, as long as it's not visible.
Not that this has ever been me. *cough*

Now it's your turn! Hit me with your best shot!

it ain't easy...

Since 1998, I have attended/worked at a university whose best-known cheer is: "Go GREEN! Go WHITE!" I've been "green" for almost a decade. I've owned t-shirts that claim I bleed green.
But I never really meant "green" in the sense of caring about the environment. As I mentioned a few weeks ago - I've never really been that environmentally aware (or even too concerned, I'm sorry to say...)
Until recently. I'm not sure what switched for me - but I'm suddenly "going green" right and left.
In the past week or so I have:
- switched about 18 light bulbs in the house from regular incandescent bulbs to CFL bulbs
- purchased and used the lovely reusable grocery bags available at Meijer
- bought 2 big Rubbermaid tubs to collect recyclables (they don't pick up recycling around here, so we have to transport it to the local recycling center)
- made three new household cleaners from recipes I've found here and here
- challenged myself to start using cloth rags to clean the house instead of paper towels
- planted vegetables in containers on my front porch (after a little research and deciding I couldn't do a "real" garden this year)
- joined a website called Natural Mommy in search of more tips
- decided I want to try some canning/preserving this summer, but I have NO IDEA where to start - that's a new project for me
I'll try to keep you updated on my adventures in the Land of the Environmentally Friendly - it feels really good (and most of the time - it saves money!) And I don't list all these things to brag about how great I am... on the contrary, it's because I need your help!! I can often get really excited about new things like this, and then just burn myself out because I'm too impatient to take one step at a time. I mean, isn't it more fun to try 17 new things at once??
So bloggie friends - keep me honest, ask how I'm doing, and if you have any great tips/insights/fun green things you like to do - please share!!

questions and answers

Maybe some of all you SAHMs out there can help me with this.
I've been "not working" for 3 months now. We're out of the "newborn" phase (although we have moved into a strange new land of random fussiness). I'm getting "the hang" of this Mama thing. (And apparently, I'm "loving" using quotation marks for emphasis).
The question I get a LOT these days goes something like this:

"So what else have you been up to?"
or
"Does it feel strange to not be working anymore?"
or
"How are you filling your days?"

Folks, I just don't know what to say at that point. There are hundreds of sassy responses that run through my mind - but I'm thinking that might not be the very best way to go, especially since it doesn't really offend me. And sassy responses generally give that impression.

On the other hand, everything polite sounds awfully lame. For the sake of whoever is asking the question, I feel as though I want to give a glamorous, interesting answer. To fulfill the fantasy that exists in their minds' eyes of "Staying At Home."
Plus, most people aren't consciously trying to insinuate anything or to make me feel small. They don't mean anything by it. Just that they don't really understand. I know I didn't really understand this job before I was living it every day.
It's not glamorous. It's not all that exciting. It's repetitive. It involves things like "chores" and "housework." At the end of the day, my accomplishment is this:
(note that the pile on the left is Mark's, the pile on the right is mine. I'm just saying...)

And this:I am not ashamed of the way I spend my days. It is slow and busy, small and huge, calm and rambunctious, quiet and noisy. But mostly, it's meaningful. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. Somehow, the time flies. And even though I don't have a great answer to all the questions, I know there is value in whatever it is I "do all day."

comfort

We were teasing my sister-in-law yesterday about being in a grumpy mood. You know the kind - where there is nothing that will make you feel better, no suggestion worth acting on, and a very good reason not to smile no matter what anyone says... the Just Let Me Stay Grumpy kind of mood. She was (ironically) a great sport about it - mostly because all of us doing the teasing fully admitted to practicing the same behavior at one point or another.
Well folks. Today my daughter is in that mood. Or at least - this afternoon. There is no comfort worth responding to - just fussiness. She's in her bed now, because "Mama Knows Best" (haha) - and what Mama knows is that Mama needs a break for a bit. And that Baby is probably quite tired and will benefit from a nice long nap.
Quite honestly, I'm never sure what to do when she gets like this. She squirms ferociously when you hold her, but screams when you put her down. She chews on your shoulder, but spits everything up when you feed her. Her eyes droop but she is inexplicably awake the second she hits the crib mattress. These are the moments when I grit my teeth and pray.
I wonder what God is thinking when He hears those prayers... because how often has that cranky baby been me? When God answers my plea, but I will have none of it. When I know I want something, but I don't know what it is, and nothing anyone offers is right.
How much time does He spend smiling down on me, waiting for me to figure out that what He's offering (what He's been offering) is exactly what I need? That I will feel immensely better as soon as I trust His wisdom and just give in to it?
I'm sure glad our Lord is perfect in His patience and unending grace. This Mama benefits from His example.

i am learning

Isn't bathtime fun? Hazel started out detesting bathtime, and has come a long way to a level of "Tolerate, Almost Enjoy." She is learning to accept and make the best of this fixture in her life.
I've now had almost 10 weeks of on-the-job Mama Training, and I too, am learning.
Learning when to let my baby cry herself back to sleep, and when to pick her up.
Learning that you really should (if at all possible) NEVER wake a sleeping baby.
I am learning about her personality, and that although she looks quite a bit like me & my side of the family - she bears a few of her daddy's character traits.
Learning that a two-hour nap for baby in the afternoon means crossing 12 things off Mama's to-do-list.
And one of the biggest lessons - I've learned that we're always learning. I'll never know everything, never do it all perfectly. And so, I'll try to take joy in the process of learning, and give myself a teeny pat on the back when I realize that I've mastered a lesson.

instead of PayPal...

Check this out - it's been floating around cyberspace for a little while now, but it's a cool alternative to PayPal, and a way to make some money for yourself! Not a bad deal - just click the link!

home again, home again

We are back.
This old news, as we've been back since Sunday evening.
I, however, have been swimming through suitcases, laundry & dishes, and enjoying the fact that I am sleeping in my own bed, changing my baby in her own room, and eating at my own table.
Thus, my blog has been neglected.
But here we are - and without one single picture of The Girl in her cute HOSA outfit. It turns out that taking a 2-month-old to her daddy's biggest conference of the year is not quite an easy-as-pie adventure. Overall, it went really really well - but I was a wee bit busy. She was the hit of the conference too - we couldn't walk more than 25 feet without someone stopping to say hi to her. Very fun.
And after interrupting her normal routine for a few nights - our girl is back, as of last night, to sleeping well again. She got 7.5 hours in the first stretch, and is still in her bed right now. Phew! She's been cranky the past few days from being SO. TIRED. Hopefully this will help, because the crankiness - oh my.
It's driven me to a few Mama moments in the past week that have gotten me thinking.
When I'm dealing with a cranky baby, mostly, I feel bad for the poor kid. She's tired, or gassy, or generally bothered by something - and all she can do is cry. And since she has no words, the best I can do is guess at what's bothering her. But I cannot make her sleep. I cannot always fix it. I know God must feel that way a lot of the time when He watches us, when He listens to our prayers and pleas.
But is there a teeny, tiny part of His brain that wishes we would just stop?? Does that little corner ever peep, "Remember what it was like before You made Adam?" Never to wish away His creations, but to remember with a smile The Days Before. To want a day, an hour or even a minute where He wasn't The One in Charge.
I don't know the answer to that question. Maybe He never feels that way. Which is totally awesome and impressive to me.
Or maybe He does. Which is still totally awesome and impressive because that means that in spite of us driving Him nutty sometimes, His arms are still always open, there is no I told you so... He is simply filled with compassion and grace.
I'm a little ashamed to admit that I do sometimes wish for release. Just for a moment, to not be the Mama. To be selfish and lazy and only have to worry about myself. But I'd never, ever wish her away. God is using motherhood to teach me more about me and more about Him than ever before. Sometimes, I think - more than I care to know. *wink*
And oh, the beautiful, sweet little package these lessons come in - she has stolen my heart.

500th post (plus 2)

Awhile back, I'd noticed that I was coming up on my 500th blog post. I thought I would do something interesting to commemorate the occasion.
I didn't.
So here's to my 502nd blog post! Wahoo!
I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2 month well-baby check-up today. I allowed the nurse to jam 2 needles into her beautiful, chubby thighs. It was sad. There were red faces. Screaming. Tears. And of course Hazel wasn't happy either. (I kid - she actually did great - screamed and cried, of course - what kid wouldn't?? - but came around quickly and has been a happy camper ever since. And although it made me sad to see her in pain - there were no Mama tears. We pulled through like champs. Whew!)
Tomorrow is another landmark - she and I are heading up to Traverse City (Mark left today) to help with the annual state-wide HOSA conference. (It's Mark's job. Go here for more info). It's his 9th state conference, and I've been at every single one. I love going - it's at a beautiful resort, I get a kick out of being on staff at busy events like this, and I get to see my hubby in action. And he is GREAT at his job.
This year, Hazel gets to come enjoy the show (and stay in a hotel room with her Mama)- so we're packing up the car and heading north tomorrow, along with a couple of friends who are also helping. It should be great!
See you when we get back!!

evidence of her obsession

Follow the line of her eyes. She is looking not at the fun dangly toy. Not at her mama with the camera. She's looking at the calendar on the wall. Goofy girl.
But she's our goofy girl, and we love her. She's getting SO BIG (the doctor's appointment tomorrow will tell us exactly how big). And last night, she slept for 7.5 hours straight!! Granted, she was a cranky little lady the whole day prior and didn't take more than a 30 minute nap the whole day... but I do like sleeping for multiple straight hours at night!

progress, we are a'makin'

Progress. It's a good thing.
Today:
14 thank-you notes have been mailed. There are still, oh, 27 or so left to go, but hey. It's better than before.
I cleaned out my dressers and put away (most of) my maternity clothes. You can pretty much see the floor in our bedroom again. And I'm not kidding when I say that for awhile there, it was not visible. Even a little bit.
I cleaned both bathrooms, did a load of laundry, ran the dishwasher & got dinner out of the freezer to thaw.
And Hazel is asleep in her crib.
Progress.
And last night was the second night out of the past four nights that she slept for 6 straight hours. For anyone that's still curious, here's the update on her sleeping:
Sometimes she'll fall asleep on her side or her back for a nap. Sometimes she'll sleep in her swing, pack & play or bouncy seat (but not for that long). At night, we warm up a spot for her with her heating pad, turn on the white noise machine, plug in the vaporizer and lay her down on her tummy. It made me a little nervous for awhile, but she's an incredibly light sleeper (so am I) and she has great head control. She's doing great, and we're *all* getting more rest.
Now I just need to find time to do the really important things... like painting my toenails (oh, they're in sad shape, my friends).

adventures in cloth diapering

Organic. Crunchy. Environmentally-friendly.
All words I'd heard before, understood, but never really thought they applied to me. And I still don't really think they do... not as a general rule.
But now, I fall into a category of Crunchy Moms - moms who cloth diaper their babies. (Or baby, as I only have one).
During pregnancy, I did all kinds of research. I talked to (or emailed) people who use cloth. I read a LOT online. I purchased a stash of both pocket diapers and prefolds & covers. I read about using cloth wipes. I bought some nice cloth wipes, and some cheapo washcloths to use (until I decided if I really liked them, then I'd buy more of the quality ones).
And then Hazel was born. Even at nine pounds, she swam in the cloth diapers. And to be perfectly honest - I was a bit overwhelmed with, you know, MOTHERHOOD, to be bothered with trying too hard. I told myself I'd give it a whirl again when she had grown a bit, and I felt a little more "at home" in my new role.
Up until last Wednesday (almost seven weeks) Hazel had only been in & out of cloth diapers occasionally. However - I am now excited to say that Hazel has been almost exclusively in cloth since Wednesday afternoon (I know - a whole five days... woo!!)
I LOVE IT.
She's got soft cotton wrapped around her sweet little bum. They're easy to clean (really!), easy to use. They work really well, even on big messes. And there is the depressing sight of your diaper stash shrinking quickly as the days go by, and knowing you need to buy more.
If I'm gonna be at home, she wears a prefold & a cover. At night & going out, it's the pocket diapers or a disposable (I still have a bunch left to use up).
It's kind of minor, but I'm proud of myself. Most people looked at me like I was crazy when they heard I wanted to mainly use cloth. But I really thought I'd like it, and I do. It's not hard for me, it's way cheaper, and it's chemical-free for my little girl. Win-win-win.
I'm a little surprised at this "crunchiness" that's popped up - natural childbirth, cloth diapers, planning to make my own baby food... but it works for us, and I really like it. We'll see how I do if/when I have two kids in diapers, though... :)

uninhibited

It sounds a little funny to say "there's a lot to be learned from a baby." I mean, it's not like they can pour out knowledge borne of their vast life experiences...
But when I watch my daughter smile so easily at such simple things - funny faces, interesting sounds, or just the face of someone she knows - I realize what a gift it is to learn from this little girl.
She is uninhibited - she is not worried that anyone will think she's a goofball for laughing at something a little stupid. She's not afraid to show her excitement at seeing someone she loves. She smiles easily.
It's a shame that as we get older, the "ease" tends to be less smiley and more cranky. We are easily frustrated. Easily discouraged. Easily hurt. I'd like to switch back and take a page out of my baby's book... to find an easy joy in the small, simple things.
I won't follow her uninhibited lead entirely though... I think routinely drooling on myself and filling my pants in public would be a turn off.
I'll stick to the easy laughter.

still around

It's been over a week since my last post, and there are a few reasons for that.
One is that it's hard to find time to type more than 3 sentences back to back... my darling daughter has a 6th sense for when I'm trying to get things done.
But the other (bigger) reason is that I can feel this blog changing. It is becoming a mama's blog. And I don't think that is a bad thing AT ALL - but it is new for me. Part of me doesn't want to become that person who can only think/talk about her kids. But truth be told - right now, Hazel is consuming. She and I are together pretty much 24/7, and my days are filled with her.
Filled with bathtimes. Diaper changes. Feeding. Burping. Laundry. Changing clothes (hers and mine both).
Part of me wants to apologize for the change. I know some of you may not find my "new" blog all that interesting.
The other part of me says "no apology is needed." This IS my life, and it is a gift from God. And I am thankful.
Things change. And my experience is that the toughtest changes, the ones that send us reeling... those are the ones that, when all is said and done, leave an impact I would never wish undone. So sure, sometimes I miss my job. Sometimes I miss my freedom. Sometimes I miss my paycheck. Sometimes I miss not feeling like the burpcloth is stapled to my shoulder.
But I cannot begin to fathom wishing away Hazel. And experiencing motherhood. Sharing parenthood with Mark. Watching people love my daughter. It's all so good.
So welcome. Welcome to my "new" blog.
(P.S. Please note that Hazel's arms are blurry in the second picture. Her changing pad is the happiest place ever for her (not because of the diaper changes, but because of the calendar on the wall above her head). We have no idea why, but she loves loves loves staring at that thing. And kicking her legs and wiggling her arms. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy that?)

look alike?

Mama

Hazel

playtime

there isn't much time!!

The bebe is asleep! So here's a quick update:
1. No picture of my hair will be posted until the large & angry blemish on my forehead disappears. Sorry, folks. (I thought maybe being a 27yo mama would mean that I don't need to deal with zits anymore... alas, I was mistaken)
2. The best sleep trick we've found so far is the heating pad (Thanks, Mary C.!) We are trying pretty much everything, with varying degrees of success. She's a stubborn soul, that daughter of mine.
3. Yesterday was the first day of spring. It's only fitting that today, we have a snow advisory for the next 48 hours or so.
4. Today, I will do my best to remember that everything (EVERYTHING) in my life - the good, the bad, the fun, the hard... all of it is a gift made possible only because of Christ's sacrifice. The blood He shed for me allows me to enjoy this life to the fullest, and more importantly - gives me a seat in eternity with the Father. Hallelujah! That is more important than any frustration I have, any things I might want, or any task I want to accomplish today. Today, I will remember God's love for the world.
Have a joyful Easter!!!

tummies, salons & lists, oh my!

It's probably a terrible thing to post this on my blog - full evidence of my treachery as a Mama - but here's my sweet little bean napping (on her belly!!) on the living room floor. She only stayed asleep for about a half hour or so, but it was so. cute.
We're making little bits of progress with the sleeping thing - she doesn't appear to like the wedge-side sleeping thing much, although I'll probably give it at least a couple more tries. She has, however, slept for at least 4.5 hours straight the past 2 nights in a row. Mama is absolutely in love with that new trend. Makes me feel like a new woman.
In other news, I cut my hair yesterday. Not too drastically - maybe 4 inches off - and I can still pull it back (so it's not completely Mom Hair). But it's much easier to do. Hazel came to the salon with me, and was a sleepy little angel in her carseat the whole time. She tricks everyone by being so well behaved when we're out - she saves all her fussiness for home. Which is good - I'd rather have it that way than not be able to take her anywhere.
Also, I have a daunting pile of thank-you notes that must be attacked. I was telling myself that I was OK waiting because I didn't have the cute little pictures of Hazel to put in each one yet, so I couldn't mail them anyway, so what's the rush? Well... I'm expecting the pictures I ordered to turn up any day now, and I've officially written ONE thank you. I have some work to do.
If only I could find a way to stop snuggling my daughter... or maybe it's okay to let the laundry, dishes and thank-you notes wait just a little bit longer while I soak up the moment.

open to suggestions

Here's the deal:
My beautiful, precious baby daughter, light of my life, apple of my eye... absolutely detests sleeping on her back. She falls asleep like a champ curled up on your chest or snuggled in your arms, but within minutes of laying her down on her back (in the crib, in the pack & play, on the Boppy, on the floor... doesn't matter), she's awake and unhappy. I am afraid that we have a tummy sleeper on our hands. And since every doctor and website out there pretty much tells you that you're a bad parent if you put your baby to sleep on his/her tummy, and scares you with statistics about SIDS - I'm at a bit of a loss.
Now - we've tried swaddling, tried laying her down slowly and not taking your hands away for awhile, tried letting her cry a little to see if she goes back to sleep... nada.
I have no idea how many mamas and daddies read this blog, but I'm ready (begging) for any suggestions - because I'd love to be able to sleep in my own bed again. Instead of in the bed in my daughter's room. With my daughter.
Any good ideas for a sleepy mama?

ways my new job is different from my old job

10. There is no "start" or "end" to the workday - the bonus is that I don't have to worry about being late. The downside - going home doesn't mean I'm leaving work.

9. College students rarely cried and screamed at me. Hazel does this daily.

8. Academic advising did not require that I be responsible for anyone else's bodily functions.

7. If I feel like it, I can wear my pajamas all day now. Bye-bye, "casual Friday!"

6. I always used to want a couch in my office. Now - the couch IS my office, being that it's where I normally feed my daughter.

5. Instead of being accountable to a couple hundred young adults, I now answer to one very small little lady. It's not easier.

4. I can take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to. (theoretically).

3. It is now OK if I don't get around to brushing my teeth until 11:00 am.

2. My new job requires me to do many things with only one hand. I was always allowed to use both hands before...

1. I get to spend all day with a beautiful little girl - her wiggles and smiles bring me incredible joy. And while she's not yet a great conversationalist... she is phenomenal company.

to know your mind

On Saturday, my baby girl will be one month old. I turned 27 in October. A little bit of difference there. But it’s incredible to me how much of ourselves we are born with – how much of us God has knit together in a specific way prior to our births. Because let me tell you – this gal knows her mind.

She loves to snuggle and be held.

She hates sleeping on her back.

Diaper changes are OK as long as she can look at the calendar on the wall.

She can tell within minutes that she’s in her crib – and she doesn’t like it!

She loves light, and looking out windows.

She’s a good traveler.

She loves to make funny faces.

Turning down food? Never.

She doesn’t like being buckled into her carseat.

She likes going for walks around the neighborhood.

When she’s mad, she’s mad. But she reserves the right to change her mind (and mood) instantly.

I could keep going… but the point is really that God didn’t give us a shell of a person. Our job is not to make her into a “successful” or “happy” or “good” person. What He gave us is already whole. Hazel was shaped and knit together by a Creator who knows her better than we ever will. His plans for her are intricately woven – and they are perfect. We get to watch – to love her, protect her, cherish her and encourage her, and hopefully – lead her to know her God and Savior – the One who made her. And the relationship that she will one day know with Him… that will be what makes her complete.

It’s cool to see that in my daughter, and also cool to realize that even though I’m an adult now (eek!) – the same still applies to me. No one makes me who I am – it all boils down to me, as the person God made me from the beginning, and God. And the fact that my daughter will be watching... that just brings it all home.

hazel face

bone deep

I feel it.
Way down in my bones.
I think it's gotten into the marrow.
I'm tired.
I knew I would be. I've watched many good friends and family members go through the "newborn" stage. I was under no delusion that it would be easy.
But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard.
It's been three weeks since I've slept for more than 2.5 hours at a time. I don't even know what it would feel like to get more than that. And honestly - I probably wouldn't sleep much longer since I would wake myself up and listen for my girl.
We have great support. My family has been incredible, and our friends are loving us well. And I can draw strength from a God who is much bigger than I, whose power is perfect in all my weakness.
And He gives me moments to keep me going throughout the day. Fussy afternoons are sprinkled with quiet moments of nursing. Sleepless nights are peppered with the preciousness of a warm baby resting on my chest.
And I am learning.
Learning how much sleep I really need in order to function. Learning that showers are a luxury, not a given. Learning how to change diapers without turning on any lights.
And I'm learning what it really means to know that "it's not all about me."
And so, I welcome the sleepless nights. God has given us a child of His to care for - and I want to rise up to the challenges of that task. Not just because He loves her. But because He loves us, and is teaching me so much through this experience. His plans for us are big, beyond my comprehension. And they are perfect.
Part of becoming the woman God has in mind for me to become is being a mother to Hazel. That fact stops me in my tracks. It's so awesome.
I don't know that this post really has a point - it's a bit rambly. But I'm sleep-deprived, and for what it's worth, it's the genuine outpouring of my heart at this moment in time.

hello gorgeous

Hazel's Story

drumroll please...
(be careful... this is LONG)

Hazel’s Story

It had been a week since Funny Dr. Man had told me I’d “have the baby in the next few days.” As many of you know from reading the blog – I was getting more & more excited to meet our baby, and more & more weary of people asking “any baby yet?” and “where’s the baby?” As if I had something to do with the timing of our little one’s arrival. (And for the record, we tried pretty much everything that’s supposed to “jump start” labor – except the castor oil. The side effects of that one were enough to keep me away…)

The morning of Friday the 15^th, I woke up feeling completely normal, which was disappointing, given that I’d felt a lot of downward pressure the night before, and was hoping those would amount to something. It seemed like just another day – Mark went to work, I got up & showered. It was a little after 8:00am and I was just sitting down to the computer to figure out a new & unique way to announce to my bloggie world that there was still no Little B when my contractions started.

I’d had contractions off and on all week long – never intense or regular, but enough to be noticed. This one was different. It was tighter and much more crampy-feeling than the others. I made a mental note of the time, then kept putzing around – although I (happily) delayed writing the blog post for the day.

By 9:00am I’d had 5 regular contractions – and I decided it was time to call Mark. His office is only about 7 miles away, so there was no big rush – but I figured it was fair to warn him that he may be on his way to becoming a daddy. (Plus Funny Dr. Man had warned against waiting around the house too long once the contractions began to be regular). Mark had had a big conference the day before (we were happy no baby decided to come while he was 2.5 hours away!), so he was still unloading all the conference materials from his car when I called.

K: Hey – I think you made need to come home sometime today… I’ve had 5 contractions in the last 45 minutes. I think things may be getting started.
M: Ok – I’m still unloading the car. I’ll finish up here, and give you a call back to see how you’re doing. Is that okay?
K: Sure.

(ten minutes later)
K: (answering the phone in the middle of a contraction) Come home.
M: I’m on my way.
K: Okay.

Three words… that was all I could get out at the time, laying face down on our bed. (It’s funny that at that point, I thought the contractions took some focus to get through…)

Mark got home, we gathered our bags, put the car seat in the car, and headed out the door. On the way, I asked Mark to call my doctor’s office to cancel my appointment for that morning, and let them know that we’d be going to the hospital to have a baby instead. He asked who was on call – and Cool Dr. Lady (my favorite!) turned out to be the one on for the whole weekend. I was thrilled, and Mark was thrilled for me. We got to the hospital a bit after 10:00am, and were checked into a triage room by 10:30.

Our nurse Aimee was the first person to get us settled in – she hooked me up to the monitors and let me know a doctor would be in to check my progress soon. A few minutes and a quick exam later revealed that I was 100% effaced and 7cm dilated. The doctor was pretty surprised – he said that I “looked like I was in labor, but I was handling things so well that he figured I was only at 3 or 4 cm.” I took that as a compliment, and was happy to hear that he thought I was in excellent position to deliver this baby naturally.

We’d taken a natural childbirth class through the local birth center in preparation for our little one’s arrival, but still opted to have the baby at the hospital (first time jitters). I knew that I didn’t want drugs, I didn’t want to have an IV, and I didn’t want to be hooked up to fetal monitors more than was absolutely necessary. I wanted freedom to move, walk, and basically do what I needed to do to get through labor. The hospital staff was really accommodating – they placed a hep lock in my arm (in case I needed an IV quickly) and told me they’d take the monitors off as soon as the baby settled into a heart rhythm they were comfortable with. (They wanted to see her heartbeat peak with each contraction, and in the beginning, it would dip just a tiny bit). I was moved to a labor & delivery room… and the game was truly on.

After about an hour, baby’s heartbeat evened out and they took me off the monitor (which was great – I’d been pacing a 5ft diameter circle, and was happy to have more mobility). It seemed that each time they checked me, I was making good progress – 7.5 cm (11:30), 8cm (12:30), 9cm (1:30)… and Mark was great. For the most part, he left me to be “in the zone” but was ready to do anything I needed. By 2:00 I was almost completely dilated, except for a little lip on the right side. My doctor was called in to the hospital, and once she checked me out, she decided it would be a good idea to break my water and move things along. (I tell you what – that warm gush is a weird feeling…) The contractions had been pretty intense for awhile – I felt nauseous and dizzy when they came, but they were manageable as long as I was upright and focused. Of course, breaking the water ramped things up another notch, and I spent the last hour before pushing lying on my right side on the bed (the nurse said it may help with getting the last bit of cervix out of the way). I pulled a page out of the Bradley method book, and focused all my energy on relaxing every part of my body so that the contractions could be totally effective. I breathed slowly, kept my eyes closed, and didn’t say a word. Mark kept a cool washcloth on my neck and forehead, and ran his fingers through my hair. It was incredible to feel his silent, strong support.

By a little after 3:00 I was ready to push – and a whole crew piled into the room (Cool Dr. Lady, Nurse Aimee, Nursing Student Bridget, OB Resident Gal, and Med Student Gal) to get things rolling. I’d met them all throughout the day – and my absolute only complaint was that the 2 students were a little intrusive in their desire to be helpful. Other than that – the staff was fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Initially, pushing was tiring and a little embarrassing (hanging out with your legs in the air and your rear end on display to a room full of people) – and it was a funny mix of Feeling Good to be Doing Something Other Than Surviving Contractions and Oh My This Hurts a Lot. However – once the baby’s head was getting closer to crowning – the embarrassment factor totally disappeared, and my whole mind was consumed with pushing her out. The minutes and pushes while she was crowning were more intense than anything I’d experienced before. But the feeling I got the moment her head was out was absolutely incredible. Relief. Awe. Accomplishment. The rest of her (not so) little body was a piece of cake, and suddenly there was a warm, wet little person laying on my chest. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. (I might not quite say that now, after 2 weeks *smile*).

Hazel joined us at 3:53pm on February 15, 2008. She weighed 9 pounds 1 ounce and was 23 inches long. God was so faithful to us – His strength got me through delivery naturally, and I was able to bring our daughter into the world with no medication or intervention (other than breaking my water). He kept us both healthy and safe – and He continues to do so.

The past two weeks have been full – full of people loving on her and on us, full of joy, full of moments where I think “Am I really this blessed?”, full of growth, full of frustrations, triumphs, tears, and victories. My head and my heart are still reeling, and my emotions still overcome me from time to time. And though Life With My Husband AND My Daughter is incredibly different from Life With My Husband – it’s a good different. We are so blessed.

new respect

This new job I have... "Mama" - is so much more than I could have imagined.
More rewarding.
More difficult.
More full of precious little moments.
More monotonous.
More overwhelming.
More joyful.
So. Much. More.

It's kind of wild. I'm overcome by how much I love this new little lady in my life. I absolutely adore watching my husband love her. I feel like I'm re-learning how to take care of myself and my home - to be dressed before 9:00am (like I am today) is such an accomplishment.
I do, also, have a new respect for blogging Mamas. I've been meaning to post for AGES - and although I can catch a few minutes to type up part of a post - it seems nigh impossible to actually finish one! (the birth story is almost done, by the way... hopefully it will be up soon!)
It's only my second day "on the job" since Mark was home with me most of last week - and the "task" part isn't too overwhelming. Right now, I'm trying to deal with this new identity I have. It's as if someone switched me overnight - from a person I knew very well, into someone I am just getting to know. It's a little scary, and cool at the same time... I'm still not quite sure what to make of it. One thing I do know - God is at work here. And all will go even more smoothly if I simply let Him work.

for now

Here are some pictures - the story is still coming! This new Mama is realizing how quickly the hours slip by with a newborn in the house! :) Enjoy these pics of our little lady!
Hazel - about to head home from the hospital:












Hazel, playing on the living room floor:

baby baby baby!!

On Friday, February 15th at 3:53pm, Mark and I welcomed our baby daughter, Hazel Maryn. Our "little" girl came in at 9lb 1oz and 23 inches long!
A more detailed birth story is to come - we have been home since Saturday evening and are doing very well. Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes - God has truly been sooo faithful to us through this experience!!

l-o-v-e

Happy Valentine's Day!
(nope, no baby yet!)
:)

running out of ways to say it (UPDATED for Anonymous)

Still no Baby B.
I have, however, crocheted a baby blanket, made 31 thank-you cards in anticipation of needing to thank people for various things in the coming weeks, crocheted a baby hat, done more laundry, and made another meal for the freezer. I would keep going, but there's basically no room left in the freezer, and my productivity would then become counter-productive.
I'd bake something, but Mark gave up sweets for Lent *** and it's WAY too dangerous to make something when I'm the only one around who would eat it. And I would eat it.
Last night I spent about a half hour bouncing around the house - literally. Still couldn't convince Baby to come out. I am the Amazing Dilated Woman.
From the beginning, I said I'd rather not have a Valentine's baby - it just seems like it could be a bummer of a birthday. So I'm betting that's what I'll get. And surprisingly enough - in the past few days, Valentine's Day has seemed like a better and better day to have a baby. Much better than, say - the 15th or 16th.
:)
*** In response to Anonymous's comment, you're correct - the tradition of giving something up for Lent is not practiced in the Bible. It is symbolic of the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert. And although the practice itself doesn't have a Biblical basis, it can be a great way to refocus ourselves - whenever you find yourself wanting the thing you have given up, say a prayer. Use small sacrifices to remind yourself of the enormous sacrifice Christ made for us. And for the record - deciding NOT to give something up for Lent doesn't make you a bad person. It's just a tool that some people find really useful for focusing their thoughts on God.

passing time

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, did laundry, did some more meal-prep work, made dinner, read for awhile, watched a movie and fixed our desktop computer woes (HOO! RAY! I tell you).
And still, the day seemed to drag.
I think I will have to come up with a fun project for today, lest my baby be born to a woman who has gone insane waiting for his/her arrival. :)
Because, let's face it. It's 6:45am on a day when I don't have to work, and I'm blogging.
I need help. :)

nada

Okay - still nothing to report. All signs point to "Soon" - but that is turning out to be a rather vague concept. :)
Mark teased me awhile ago that if this baby takes after me, it will arrive exactly on its due date, if not a teeny bit early. Perhaps that will be the case.
In the meantime, I am resting, reading, and trying to get the house in decent order - so that returning from the hospital won't be too stressful.
Thanks for the thoughts & prayers!!

master of the obvious

This is a post simply to say that there is, as yet, nothing to say.
Mark ran into Funny Dr. Man at our gym last night, and said "If you're here, and I'm here, then my wife is in trouble if she goes into labor right now!" (kidding, obviously - it's not like our gym in Kentucky or on the moon or anything).
Funny Dr. Man expressed his surprise last night that I hadn't gone into labor on FRIDAY night - he was sure I would - and as I understand, grateful that I didn't, as he needed some sleep.
Well, he just got another night uninterrupted (at least by me). Our Little One has been causing more and more contractions - just nothing regular or intense yet. S/he definitely has a sense of timing - and it must not be "just right" yet.
And so, we wait.
Thanks for all the well wishes and encouragement - we're currently busy thinking Laborful Thoughts - it's a sunny, COLD Sunday. Seems like a good day to have a baby... :)

see you this weekend?

I went to the doctor this morning - and I like my doctor's office a lot. There are 4 docs that I've been seeing in rotation - and I really like 3 of them. They are:
(names have been changed to protect their true identities)
Cool Dr. Lady
Funny Dr. Man
Shy Dr. Man
I do not particularly care for Mean Dr. Lady (it could be her name, it'd be hard to overcome that...)

I saw Funny Dr. Man this morning - and although I was supposed to be "checked" for progress this morning, he initially said he wasn't going to, since I hadn't really had any "signs" of labor.
FDM: I don't like when people get mad because I tell them they're not dilated at all. Do you really WANT to be checked?
Me: I wouldn't mind. (meaning - you better check me, Funny Dr. Man!!)
FDM: Okay then.
(a few minutes later, ready for exam)
FDM: Baby's head is really low.... well... you're a good 4cm and 80% effaced.
Me: Are you kidding?? (thinking, this better not be Funny Dr. Man's idea of being funny...)
FDM: Nope - you're doing great, especially for a first-timer. It doesn't mean you'll have the baby TODAY, but you'll most likely be going into labor in the next few days.
Me: Well, okay then!

It's hard to believe - I was fully ready to be told that it would be at least another week or so. And I do know that it doesn't mean that labor is necessarily about to happen. But it's WAY more than I was expecting. It's hard to believe that I could be meeting this little babe any day now. For real.

Wow.

horizons

It's about 8:20 on a Thursday morning. I'm on the couch, laptop on my legs (I don't really have a lap anymore...), wearing big old sweatpants and a tshirt that doesn't quite disguise the squirmy wormy little one in my belly.
Last week (and many, many weeks prior to that) I would have been at work for at least an hour, prepping myself for the days' appointments, answering emails, and chatting with coworkers about the upcoming day or their plans for the weekend.
Times have already changed so much.
I've never been someone who was too afraid of or resistant to change. Even as a little kid - I always wanted to be a little older - was so excited to someday move on to "the next big thing." It's a good trait in some ways, and a bit of a shortcoming in others. I appreciate my ability to not hold on too hard to the past, especially because changes, both big and little, are inevitable. I set goals about who I think God wants me to become, and I work hard toward becoming that woman "someday." But I also find myself living in the future when I maybe should be living in the moment. Especially when the moment is a little trying.
I've always pretty much known I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. The decision I made when I got pregnant to leave my job was not a tough one to make. But I underestimated how much I'd enjoy working. Now, I fully anticipate that the rewards and challenges of my new career in full-time mommyhood will be more intense and genuine than any I've experienced before. And I'm so excited.
But it's not here yet.
And my tendency is to watch the horizon, and wait (hopefully) patiently for what is to come.
But then I'm neglecting the moment. And since I know my God, and that He does all things with a purpose that works for the good of those who love Him... He's got something in mind for this time. I don't want to miss that either.
And so I will try to take advantage of these days and hours - and instead of thinking about how badly I want to meet this child and embark on this new & unknown journey - I will appreciate the moments I have been given. Moments of quiet and rest, of time with God and with friends. I will enjoy the life stretching and moving in my belly - it will be a sensation gone all too soon. I will try to listen to the wind, to the small whisper - because that's where God usually is.
There are beautiful things on the horizon... but there are beautiful things here today as well.

pictures! of things!!

A few days ago we had almost a foot of snow on the ground. Mark left me a message in the backyard - things have obviously warmed up a bit around here because you can see the grass - but the sentiment was not washed away.









These are the diaper bags I made - Mark's is on the left, mine on the right. He even wandered around JoAnn's with me to pick out his fabric. (Of course, I said I wouldn't make it for him unless he picked out exactly what he wanted so as to avoid any un-manliness surrounding his diaper bag. It's hard enough to have a "manly" diaper bag anyway....)










These are the paintings I just finished for Baby B's room - the bugs are pretty much copied from (er, inspired by!) the fabric we used to make the crib stuff, curtains & diaper stacker. The room looks a little more ready every day!!









Now I'm tired - time to rest a bit before dinner & the second wind I'm sure to get this evening. :)

i take it back

Okay - so staying at home when nesting instincts are in FULL SWING is not so easy as it sounds.
By 5:00pm yesterday I was wiped out - but back into full gear by 8:30 or so, and not in bed until after 11:00pm (a bedtime I haven't seen voluntarily in months).
The only thing I didn't get done off my checklist yesterday is the desktop computer thing - but that's really out of my hands at the moment (I'm waiting on a boot disk that is crucial to my progress).
Today - I'll probably finish up my pre-baby meal preparation (yesterday I did chicken & pork, today is beef) and maybe visit a friend whose littlest one (she has four boys!!) is about 2.5 weeks old, maybe run a couple of errands... what with the arrival of Baby B a possibility any ol' time, there are just a couple of things I really ought to have.
Funny Story of the Day (well, yesterday):
Katie's shopping in Meijer, minding her own business... friendly man in the garbage bag aisle smiles at her and says, "So, are you due TOMORROW?"
Same trip, in the checkout line. Different friendly man pulls his cart up behind Katie in line, smiles at her and says, "Man, I've been there."
I guess it was the Day of Men Saying Harmless But Inane Things to Strangers. At least they all smiled at me first. :)

Stay-At-Home... Bum?

Technically, I guess I'm already a mama. I mean, I *have* a baby - it's just not available right now. But it's hard to consider myself a stay-at-home-mom when I'm essentially home by myself.
Here's the agenda for today:
Clean floors after 30-ish teenagers invaded our home for a Super Bowl party last night. CHECK.
Run dishwasher after 30-ish teenagers invaded our home for a Super Bowl party last night. CHECK.
Make the bed. CHECK.
Go grocery shopping & return all our cans for a refund (finally!)
Do some cooking for freezer meals once Baby B is on the scene.
Get desktop computer up and running again (this one may take awhile).
Clean up Baby B's room. Again. Because it has turned into my own personal craft studio.
Maybe if I get most/all of these things done I won't feel like such a bum - it's just really funny to be at home and know you're not on vacation from work... to know that you're just plain not going back. Weird.
I DID manage to make Mark's backpack-style diaper bag this weekend (he picked out the fabric himself, and has already named it Midnight), and made a ring sling for carrying Baby B around... I'm feeling pretty good about those projects being done. Once I get my SAHB act together, I'll post a picture or two.

think inside the box

Well, folks - it's been a busy week, and apparently I've been slacking in my bloggie responsibilities. Between some evening commitments and finishing up my final days at work, I've been neglecting my poor little blog. Sincere apologies are extended to all (three of you) who read this.
First - no, there is no Baby B on the scene yet. Still very much pregnant.
Second - today is my first official day as a stay-at-home-mama. I must say - while the baby is still in utero - this staying-at-home thing ain't so bad. :) We went to the doctor this morning, made some cranberry-orange muffins, had lunch with friends, and I've gotten a pedicure, watched a little TV, started the dishwasher and done some organizing this afternoon. It feels good to be at home.
Third - the picture. Wednesday night the UPS man climbed our steps with a package. This is not an unusual occurence these days, what with my manic online-shopping-to-prepare-for-Baby-B's-arrival, I think we've been getting a delivery pretty much every single day for the past millenium. But the box in question was rather large, and I hadn't ordered anything large.
Come to find out that my Aunt Val had coordinated with other members of the family (who live in IL and WI, at a minimum of 4-5 hours from here) to throw me a Surprise Baby Shower in a Box. Complete with goodies (muffins, gummi bears, tea & cider), gifts, games, prizes and a helium balloon. I was incredibly touched by my family's generosity and by the effort that went into the gesture. A very cool surprise, to be sure.
I think tomorrow will be a fairly quiet day, and then we're having a bunch of squirrelly ninth-graders over to "watch the Super Bowl." Really, it just means we'll have the TV on and a lot of food on the table. Should be fun.
That's our life in a nutshell. And I swear, I'll try to do better about posting regularly so that no one has to wonder.