My life is not perfect. The cast of characters is human - flawed and real - and the setting is a world, created perfectly, that has been shattered and awkwardly glued back together.
My life is not perfect - but it is blessed. The path I walk is paved with gifts; it is bordered by my warm home, clean water, abundant food. The dust along this path bears the footprints of those who walk alongside me - my husband, my daughters, my family, my friends. The air is full of emotion: it rings with laughter, echoes with tears, and bubbles with lively chatter.
Why is it so easy to walk this beautiful path with a focus far too narrow? I see clouds instead of the blue sky behind them. I notice cracks in the pavement rather than the intricate beauty of the brickwork. It is too bright, too noisy, too dull, too lonely... Too, too, too.
Mamahood has of late left me feeling a bit used-up. The constancy of need can be exhausting and thankless. I found myself moping inside my head, longing to be pursued - not out of need, but out of desire. I looked and searched and hunted and found no clear sign of pursuit. I pouted.
It was when I sat still and watched my life without looking for anything that I saw it.
Hazel gazes into my eyes and tells me they are blue. She brushes hair out of my face and smiles at me with pure delight.
Meriel watches me while she nurses - dark blue eyes, almost gray, framed by thick lashes... she drinks me in with her gaze.
God is watching me through their faces - it is not just my daughters, but my God who is drinking me in, watching with delight. He is using the people in my life, always, to show me His love.
Life doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Rarely, in fact. But I belong to a God Who knows the desires of my heart. I don't have to go looking for them. Besides - if I have to look farther than my own backyard, I never really lost them to begin with.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
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