Wednesday, August 17, 2005

i think too much


I'm Feeling: like I couldn't turn my brain off if I tried
Background Noise: Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler

Jamie asked for a clarification on my profound thoughts from Monday... the confusion factor of the question I asked is probably directly correlated to the number of responses. :) Without going into too many hairy details, here's the basic concept.

I've been personally struggling with a few issues in my life for awhile now. They are not going away, or getting easier. In my experience, when you have an extended "dry spell" of some sort in your life, God is trying to show you something about Himself or His plan for you. This is what my head knows. And I've been trying to keep that in mind, and seek Him in these areas - trying to respond in a Christ-like manner, be proactive about the areas in which He is stretching me, and so on. One of the lessons I can tell He is teaching me is to rely on Him and not on people (however close or important they are to me). People will always fail when they try to love us as Christ does. Always. However, my attempts to learn this lesson and actually rely on Him, lean on Him, get my satisfaction and encouragement from Him - frankly, are not working. I think I'm doing it wrong. Maybe my head knows it, but my heart's not in it. Maybe there is something I can do aside from praying and reading the Word. Maybe I'm totally off-base about what He is trying to teach me (although it's a valuable lesson, and one I'm sure I need to get a better handle on, so I don't think that's it). I just don't know what it looks like (in a more concrete, practical sense) to truly lean on Him - especially during times when you really feel like you need an actual, flesh and blood person to be there for you. Am I not allowing Him to fill that? Is there a trick to letting Him?

I feel like I know all these "Sunday School" answers to life problems - read the Bible, pray, rely on the Lord... but I recently realized that I'm not sure I know what that really looks like - am I doing it right?

I am also well aware that the Lord makes everything beautiful in its time, and that His timing is perfect - so that could very well be part of my frustration - I'm not altogether a patient person (especially when there are situations at hand making me unhappy/frustrated).

I hope this long-winded explanation helps clear up my question from the other day. Last night I was talking with Mark, and I paused after a moment and said, "I think I think too much." His response: "Ya think?!?" I just thought that was funny. Because it's true. Oh, and the Magic Eye picture is because I was never any good at those things - I think I thought too hard about them, and then got impatient when I couldn't see the tigers playing hopscotch, or whatever the picture was. Nice allegory, huh? :)

4 thoughts:

Jamie said...

I guess I have two quick thoughts...

I know that most of the great Christian writers and theologians and "famous people" of the faith have all written about dry times in their faith when they felt abandoned by God's presence. Yet when they looked back, they realized that it was a time of growth and faith. (I didn't mean for that to sound like the "Footprints" poem.) So on that note I would say just keep plugging away knowing he has not abandoned you.

The other thought was that while humans are flawed and will let us down, we were created to be in fellowship with one another. While relying on others so much that you're neglecting God is a bad thing, maybe what you're feeling is a lack of authentic relationships that God uses to minister to you.

Jamie said...

Tigers playing hopscotch? I thought I saw a hippo with an umbrella wearing a tutu!

Katie said...

it probably is hippos... or lemurs baking cookies or something else extravagant.

Thanks for your thoughts - I know He hasn't abandoned me, I just don't want Him to be sitting there thinking, "Gosh, why doesn't Katie just get it together and do ____?" I feel like I'm missing a step. And you're exactly on point with the whole "lack of authentic relationships" thing - I'm just really struggling with how to remedy that problem. Making friends was easier in kindergarten - all you had to do was share your crayons or swap your cookie for their brownie at lunch.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Jamie. I was going to say too that God uses his people to show others his love and support. There is nothing wrong with seeking others for help. That's a cool thing about the family of God!

I understand the friend thing. I've been struggling with that for a few years now. I finally made a neighbor friend who has two kids and they all love to play together. But, they're moving. The story of my friendship life.

Julie