Saturday, March 08, 2008

bone deep

I feel it.
Way down in my bones.
I think it's gotten into the marrow.
I'm tired.
I knew I would be. I've watched many good friends and family members go through the "newborn" stage. I was under no delusion that it would be easy.
But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard.
It's been three weeks since I've slept for more than 2.5 hours at a time. I don't even know what it would feel like to get more than that. And honestly - I probably wouldn't sleep much longer since I would wake myself up and listen for my girl.
We have great support. My family has been incredible, and our friends are loving us well. And I can draw strength from a God who is much bigger than I, whose power is perfect in all my weakness.
And He gives me moments to keep me going throughout the day. Fussy afternoons are sprinkled with quiet moments of nursing. Sleepless nights are peppered with the preciousness of a warm baby resting on my chest.
And I am learning.
Learning how much sleep I really need in order to function. Learning that showers are a luxury, not a given. Learning how to change diapers without turning on any lights.
And I'm learning what it really means to know that "it's not all about me."
And so, I welcome the sleepless nights. God has given us a child of His to care for - and I want to rise up to the challenges of that task. Not just because He loves her. But because He loves us, and is teaching me so much through this experience. His plans for us are big, beyond my comprehension. And they are perfect.
Part of becoming the woman God has in mind for me to become is being a mother to Hazel. That fact stops me in my tracks. It's so awesome.
I don't know that this post really has a point - it's a bit rambly. But I'm sleep-deprived, and for what it's worth, it's the genuine outpouring of my heart at this moment in time.

2 thoughts:

Julie said...

Oh, honey, I hope you get the rest that you need! God is amazing, isn't he? Just when you think you have nothing else to give, he gives you a burst of energy. Hazel is blessed to have you as her mommy :)

Mark and Courtney said...

I had to laugh at your last couple of sentences. And as I deal with the behaviors of a 4- and 5-yo, I can at least be grateful that I'm getting lots of sleep! ;) :)