Saturday, September 20, 2008

my moments

Sometimes it comes out as a good thing... you've just had a great idea, or the project you were working on turns out So. Much. Better. than you could have imagined or hoped. Someone compliments you, and you respond with a small smile and "I have my moments."

Other times, it's not such a good thing... someone (usually someone who doesn't know you all that well) says, "I have a hard time imagining that you would ever fill-in-the-blank." Then you respond with a small smile and "Oh, I have my moments."

The words are the same. The meaning... so different.

Last night - I had a moment. One of my moments. And unfortunately (for me and for Hazel) it was not the good kind. I'll spare you the drawn-out, sleep-deprived details... but suffice it to say that this Mama lost her cool a wee bit and responded in kind to her screaming, crying baby. Before anyone gets nervous about what actually happened - I did not yell at her... but I did let out a big ole holler of pure frustration while I was in the same room as her... and that, generally, does not calm babies down. Just a note for my own future reference.

Here's the thing. In the aftermath of my moment, with tears pouring down my cheeks as I tried to comfort the baby who has been entrusted to my care and was now crying harder than ever because of my uncontrolled emotional outburst... as I sat in the rocker and asked her and God to forgive me and felt like the biggest wreck and failure of a mama I could imagine...
I realized something.

His grace is sufficient for me.

I could be as down on myself as I liked, feel like a chump and a fraud and wonder why in the world I was so bad at the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my life... OR... I could realize that God called me to be her mama. Me. He didn't pick me because I'd be perfect at it, or because I would do everything right. I might not actually ever know why He picked me. And it doesn't really matter. His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness.

Last night, my weakness was so very weak, so very pronounced... I had a hard time not focusing on my role in the situation. But that completely ignores His role... and I'd much rather turn my eyes toward Him than be so self-centered that all I can do is feel bad about myself.

Today... well, today is a new day, and His mercies are new every morning. It's not easy, but I don't think it's supposed to be. One day at a time... that's not so hard, with this little one in my life:

4 thoughts:

Natalie Jackson said...

I can sympithize with you. I have had those nights with Elizabeth and I have to apologize to her and God. His grace is sufficent for us. I know one thing nothing will ever change my love for her. The next day I will ask myself how could I get angry at her? She brings so much joy into our lives.

By the way how are things going with work?

Phoenix Rising said...

this morning i asked steve if he could take asher because i was about to throw him out the window. of course, i'd never do that, it was an exaggeration!! but i can understand the exhaustion and frustration of not understanding what our children want and the weakness in yelling or walking away.

i love asher with everything i have, yet there are still moments of weakness where i lose a bit of control. i think you nailed it though, God is sufficient and He picked us to parent our children. i need to start looking to God, as well, in my times of weakness.

thanks for writing this post. and know, even in your times of weakness, you are a wonderful mama.

Ashleigh (Heart and Home) said...

I think every mother can relate to that feeling. I've definitely had my moments of doing the exact same thing. I've posted about them, too. And you are SO right--His grace is sufficient. To help us in our time of frustration, and to cover and forgive the times we give in to it.

lu said...

I remember doing the exact same thing. I was holding Jay, who was just an infant, on my lap in the rocking chair in his room and Sam, a toddler, was in there too. I don't remember why I let out a yell in frustration but I did...after a brief, surprised pause from both my boys, they were both crying and clinging to me. I was trying to comfort them and tears were dripping down my face. And then James walked in to see what happened.