It's kinda tough to say what kind of week it's been... is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?? I've survived tough moments, laughed out loud, shed more than a few tears, received dozens of baby kisses, woken to cries in the middle of the night and taken sweet afternoon naps with my little girl. Good and bad, tough and beautiful - there have been many moments.
I've found myself struggling a lot with self-esteem as it relates to my role as Mama lately. Turns out that I am a person who thrives on feedback - it doesn't have to be direct, but I do really love having some idea of how I'm doing... some kind of measuring stick.
Measuring sticks are strange things when it comes to parenthood. Doing a good job doesn't always feel good. Giving your kid what s/he needs doesn't always result in smiles and good sleep. Plus - 12 month old toddlers don't tend to give much feedback (except in the occasional point, whine, giggle, or scream - all left to your own interpretation).
The humbling thing that I've been realizing more recently is that my self-deprecation and doubt is a twisted-up form of pride. (Something I seem to struggle with a LOT).
I doubt my abilities as a mama.
I feel like I'm not doing it right, like I'm missing something.
Wouldn't someone else be better at this? What about all those other mamas out there who can handle screaming, crying, inconsolable babies at 1 in the morning - they must have something I don't have!
But when I doubt - when I question my role in this family - I am pulling my trust away from God and placing it in myself and in other people. However competent I am feeling from day to day...
God gave me these children to care for. He could have picked anyone in the world to be the parents of these precious children of His. He picked Mark and He picked me.
When I feel like I should be doing "more" than staying at home - I am demeaning an incredibly valuable role that God has been shaping for me. Really - these walls will represent the center of the universe for our kids for many years - the familiar place where they are loved, accepted, safe and cared for. How could I possibly think that my role as caretaker of our home and our children is any less valuable than any other job I could have??
I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with wondering whether I'm a "good enough" Mama - knowing that I could do better and wondering if I'll ever measure up.
I just pray that those thoughts and wonderings are always followed quickly by the truth - God is in control, He is faithful, He is wise... and He put me here.
What a relief.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts (all three parts!) on Mama-hood vs. having a job KT! I often have a similar struggle but the opposite way (having a job when I feel I should be home). It helped me to read the other side and realize everyone has things to work through no matter what. :) And during the middle of the night "what in the world am I doing" moments, just remember some other Mama is probably up at the same time thinking the same thing. ;-)
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