fraying

I feel like my edges are fraying.

I'm having a hard time preventing the unraveling of the "fabric of me"... there is an edginess and irritability in my mind that I do. not. appreciate. It makes me less of a wife, less of a mama, less of a friend. The people in my life deserve more than "less" of me.

But I'm not entirely sure how to beat it.

I think the problem lies mainly in the fact that I've gotten to a point where I *need* something to change very quickly (as in, five minutes ago) - but change is s-l-o-w in coming. And it's just not a situation where I can do much to control the rate of change.

The fabric of my patience is worn and holey. It appears moths have attacked my peace and chewed gaps in my joy.

I don't want to feel broken - I don't want thin little threads holding the precarious pieces of myself together... I want to feel strong, competent, whole and purposeful. I want to be a blessing to my husband; a loving, patient mother to my daughter; and a joy and comfort to my friends. Instead, I feel disappointed in myself for not being tougher - I never thought I would feel so incapable, so unfit, so unable to deal.

I know that the Lord is the only one who can weave all my loose ends back in. I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness, and that the peace He can give me passes all understanding. I know these things. And I know that God is good all the time - no matter what state my heart is in.

I have no good conclusion - no pretty bow to put on the end of this post. I guess that's fitting. I'll just take a deep breath, spend some time with my Jesus, and begin tomorrow with His new mercies. Amen for that.

(Oh - and Hazel and I will be out of town and away from blog-land until probably Monday... so if I don't post again until then, don't worry. I haven't unraveled completely (hope, pray) - just gone on a little trip).