dear barrel:

I have reached the bottom of you.

Humans are fearfully and wonderfully made. Designed in God's image. And although I'm sure that He can hang in there longer and much more gracefully than I can... He designed me to need rest. To desire rest. To respect and cherish sweet, fulfilling, life-giving rest.

:)

Someday I will ask Him. I will ask why He made sweet newborn babies with stomachs the size of walnuts. Why breastmilk, the perfect food for my new baby, couldn't also have been designed to induce deep sleep between 8pm and 6am. Why toddlers are wired to detest sleep, and avoid rest at all costs.

Why, dear Lord, did You give me a need for rest - and then give me two beautiful girls who believe that their life-purpose is to deprive me of it?

I could blame last night's poor sleep on my 3-month-old - who has slept 5-6 straight hours only a handful of times in her young life - and last night was not one of those times.

But the true culprit is Hazel - my darling firstborn who has been anti-sleep-at-night since she learned to roll over at 4 months old. Downhill ever since, folks.

And I've hit it. The bottom of the barrel. I have no more tricks. No new ideas. No sneaky rabbit to pull out of a hat in a puff of smoke. I have no earthly idea how to help this child sleep soundly and regularly. I've tried everything (everything that falls within the realms of acceptable parenting). At least I *think* I have - and since I haven't come across a new and profound sleep-help idea in a long time, I think I'm right...

People tell me it is a phase, she will outgrow it. So far - the "phase" has been any string of more than 2 days when she actually sleeps and naps well. The "norm" is disrupted, disjointed, difficult sleep littered with tears.

And since the barrel is empty - and God has a sense of humor about all this - I've decided there is nothing more to do but try to laugh about it. If I'm going to look back and laugh someday - why not start right now?

I will try to laugh as I pick up my yoke of loving God and loving my daughters - and to set aside my tired body and mind. I will try to laugh as I look into their sweet faces as we go about our day today. I will try to laugh as I wonder if maybe, just maybe... there is another barrel out there, and I might get to sleep again someday.

:)