lest you get the wrong idea...

Most of the time, I try very hard to take an open & honest approach to my blogging.
That is to say - I am open & honest about the topics I meticulously select for sharing from the vast expanse of my day-to-day experiences. I decide which parts of my life to crack into, which insecurities, dreams and musings to share... and which things to leave out.
This isn't a bad thing, as some things should/must remain private - but I do feel a bit guilty sometimes that the pictures painted with virtual brushstrokes are somehow... shall we say, digitally enhanced versions of the truth.
So I'm here tonight to shatter your illusions of my home life. Mary C seems to think I have it all together, but I don't. Not anymore than anyone else does - probably a little less. (Note: These pictures were not planned ahead - and I didn't change a thing in the rooms as I trumped around the house taking photos... in fact, I had a baby on my hip and the camera in my other hand, so this is as real as it gets).
Here is the room in which I am currently sitting, typing away:









There are stacks of books, Rubbermaid bins both full and empty, and enough yarn for me to crochet myself into my nineties.
This is my daughter's room, where she is currently (Lord willing) falling asleep:









Note her daddy's guitar, the basket of dirty laundry, the pile of toys on the futon and the floor-blanket that is now a necessity for the rolling-every-which-way baby. And of course, the pink & white doggy. In the middle of the floor.
This is my room, which shockingly, is in decent shape today (although there are laundry baskets - this time full of clean laundry - and pictures leaning against the wall that remain unhung for the 5th year running):









And this is our closet (eek) - I cleaned out my portion recently, which is toward the front (and NOT on the floor), and as you can see, I still have quite enough clothing to be getting on with.












The kitchen is also in decent shape - although some dishes need to be put away, and mercifully, the wide angle of this shot does not pick up the crumbs on the floor and counters.









You may have noticed by now that my hubby and I have some issues with being actual adults, and our house looks a bit like the inside of a crayon box. It's our own little rebellion.
And we end our tour in the living room:









Again, the blanket & toys on the floor... boppy, books and TV remotes on the couch... baby carrier flung over the recliner... I feel like we're playing "Where's Waldo?" (big bonus points if anyone actually finds a Waldo in these pictures).
So there you have it. A peek into my house - and my not-so-together life as it stands on an average Wednesday night.
Thanks for visiting!

a question for the over-achiever, perfectionist types

My whole life (okay, maybe not WHOLE... but at least since high school) I've preferred to be busy. I'm a multi-tasker-perfectionist with an uncanny ability to procrastinate. Those may seem like contradicting forces... and, well, they really are.
But that's proven helpful to me over the years - staying busy keeps me from procrastinating too much because I have to get my butt in gear if I want to get things done. And the Perfectionist-Over-Achiever-Katie definitely wants to get things done. And Procrastinator-Katie keeps me from killing myself with doing too much at once.
Here's my current dilemma (I alluded to this in my last post):
I was always a pretty busy gal. In high school, it was dance, NHS, musicals & plays, tennis, youth group, work, and the other standard teenage-girl pursuits of shopping and talking on the phone. Undergrad had me in some clubs (on the E-Board of one), pursuing 2 degrees at once, being an RA in the residence halls, belonging to a home group in my church, and other standard college-girl pursuits such as shopping and talking on the phone. By grad school I was married, juggling classes and my job as an assistant hall director in the residence halls, and after grad school I was working full-time, taking care of our new house and leading (with my husband) for YoungLife/WYLdLife in our area (and still shopping and talking on the phone occasionally). I've always had a full calendar. Until now.
Mark is still a YL leader. Any of you who have been in almost any type of ministry (but especially those with kids, I think) know that you always feel like you could/should be doing more. His schedule in the fall will include regular meetings at least 3 nights a week, along with appearances at sporting events and fun, spontaneous social activities with our high school friends. On top of work.
Here's my problem: Although I often felt completely inadequate and out-of-my-element as a YL leader, I love the kids I've gotten to know (girls I've known since they were in 6th grade are now in driver's training, heading into 10th grade - eek!). I miss seeing them regularly. I loved the toughness of the job, and the incredible harvest I reaped when I did not let myself grow weary of doing good. I was serving Christ in a real, tangible, sacrificial way.
I don't lead anymore. I stopped about two months before Hazel was born because I knew it would be too much for me. I wanted to focus on my family... but....I am having the darndest time shaking the feeling that I should be doing more. That I should be the SuperMama who is knee-deep in some kind of ministry and has a perfect house and is out and about and doing things. I've struggled with this kind of feeling before, and I really don't think it's from God. I think Satan is able to pinpoint my weaknesses and use them in such sneaky ways... I wind up feeling so defeated.
Being a stay-at-home-mama is so much more than I ever thought it would be. It is so much cooler, so much harder, so much more fun, so much more boring, so much more challenging... so much more. I know this job is important. I want to do it - and I know how blessed am I to be able to do it.
I guess my question is... how do you know when to let yourself "just" (haha) be Mama? And how do you do that?? Don't get me wrong - I like keeping my house organized, providing a clean & pretty home for my family, cooking, baking... it's all good. I know it's valuable. I'm just not used to having that be my focus. Why does my brain keep telling me that it's not enough to do those things?
I don't know how much sense this post is making... but any input, advice or encouragement you could provide is welcome, friends.

hodge-podge, cornucopia, mish-mosh... whatever you want to call it

A little bit of everything and a lot of nothing... but there's always something. My life kinda feels that way these days - so I thought I'd throw in a post that was a reflection of that.
First - an update on my 40 Days of Learning Very Simple Lessons:

1. God's Word is the very best thing for me. Okay - I've been doing much better with this. Still not quite where I want it to be, but I think that's partly because I need some accountability and someone to talk things through with. (see number four)
2. Less is more. I'm proud of myself here. I've cleaned (pretty thoroughly, at least for me) out my closet and dresser drawers, and there are bags (I will not say how many, as I am embarrassed about my clothing habit) ready to be donated. It's liberating to not have so many choices, and to actually be able to fit all my clean clothes into some sort of home. As opposed to letting my clean laundry sit in a basket because it's too hard to put it away. Ahem. I've also tackled the kitchen pantry, and some bits in our guest room. Our house is in a major transition right now (finishing the basement) so a lot of stuff is out-of-place... I can't wait to get rid of more stuff!
3. Structure is good (at least for me) My Home Management Binder is coming along nicely - I like having a place to keep my "stuff" - lists and goals and coupons and calendars... all in one place. I'm still not totally used to using it yet, but I'm getting there.
4. (added after a Very Simple Lesson the next day) We were made for community. Oh, I could probably use some work here. It's hard... right now, the two people I would consider to be my "best" friends live in different states... IL and NY. One or two other people live in MI, but not exactly close - get-togethers require planning and driving at least 30 minutes most of the time. I have a large number of people here who fall into the friend/pleasant acquaintance/still getting to know each other so it almost feels like we're dating categories... but not people I know well, who know me well... I know that stuff takes time, but it's so hard. For me at least. I'm an independent gal, and I like to feel/look like I have it together (a WHOLE OTHER issue for a whole other post...) so it takes me awhile to get to the point where I'm willing to let my guard down and be really honest with someone. And right now, I need a few more people in my life that fit that category. I'll be praying on this one. Sometimes, it's easier just to cover up a little bit.

PHEW.
IF you're still with me... this morning, Hazel and I trudged heaved walked our second 5K... on a golf course... without a paved route... through lush, thick green grass which had been recently watered. Let's just say that I'm totally proud that I finished off-roading a stroller with an almost 6-month-old baby for 3.1(ish) miles in 51 minutes. Without collapsing. And now, I feel kinda like this:




I've also recently become convicted (albeit very slowly - convicted is a word that has urgency to it... mine was a long, drawn-out hearing with a jury that deliberated for days weeks before arriving at a conviction) that I need to ease up. On myself. As a mama. I know many of you have your own perfectionist tendencies, and I know what you're dealing with. This is the toughest job I've ever had, with the most at stake. I want to do it well. But I also want to have fun and enjoy the ride...
And that means that I need to relax in a few other areas... but this post is already waay too long, so that will have to be another chat.
Thanks for hanging in there with me.

giveaway!

I swear I'll post an update on my 40 days very soon, but in the meantime - check out this giveaway!
Get FREE BumGenius cloth diapers! (these are what I use most often, and I l*o*v*e them!)

chance of showers

About two weeks ago, I proudly declared to my husband that I had skills on par with a professional plumber. I, by myself, with no help, ALONE - had installed the world's easiest idiot-proof Very Difficult and Complicated diaper sprayer in our guest bathroom.
Because nothing says welcome like a gadget made to help rinse baby poop down the drain.
Okay, so no tools were involved. And the sprayer came with a delightful set of illustrated & labeled instructions which make everything very simple. But still - there is a sense of accomplishment felt when one disconnects plumbing-type hoses & fixtures and puts them back together in a slightly different way... and everything WORKS.
This morning, I had my first chance to use the handy-dandy diaper sprayer (I was traveling and not feeling the extra laundry last week, so disposables won out until yesterday). It worked well, but I thought it could use a bit more oomph behind its spray. I tweaked the little knobby-doodad on the toilet (don't know what it's called, but I know it adjusts the water pressure) and decided to check the new oomph-level. I was holding the sprayer about a foot away from my face, pointed directly into the bowl.
Or so I thought.
A half second later found me kneeling on the bathroom floor and spluttering, having just sprayed myself directly in the face. Right between the eyes. Seriously, I shoulda been a sharp-shooter in the Wild West.
The oomph-level, by the way, is just fine.
Yup, I'm basically a professional plumber. Let me know if you require my services... my fees are reasonable.

jiggety jigg

Home again, home again.
The baby girl was a trooper-superstar-angel-sweetheart for me on the drive to and from my parents' house this week. I was so nervous - the trip is usually 3.5-4 hours in good traffic (which you never know if you're going to get between mid-Michigan and Chicagoland), and I've never attempted it Solo With Child before. Those of you that have heard the dulcet tones of my daughter's voice know - that trip had the potential to fry my poor, addled mama brains.
But she was great.
Lots of prayer, good timing, great traffic and some more prayer - and we're back home after 4 lovely days with my family - all in one piece, sanity (relatively) intact.
However, the Hazelnut is in full-blown teething mode... bringing with it a whole new level of motherhood joy. We're back in the Land of Sleep in Three Hour Increments. I haven't been in the LoSiTHI since Hazey was about 6 weeks old... I didn't miss it.
She's asleep now (praise God) and I'm about to go shut my eyes too.
There's more to say - it just needs to wait for a bit.
It's good to be back.

joy

6:45 am
I can feel the warm, summer-morning sun through my closed eyelids - it's pouring into my bedroom like a golden waterfall.
I feel a gentle stirring beside me on the bed, and tiny, warm little feet begin to "walk" their way up my belly.
I peel back my sleepy eyelids and pull my surroundings into focus.
Disheveled covers, no husband (he left for YoungLife camp last night), pillows everywhere and a gentle breeze is billowing the sheer white curtains in and out, in and out. Right arm tucked under my pillow, I see that nestled into the space created between my arm and my body, lies my daughter.
Sparkly blue eyes alight with baby laughter and delight are watching me, and my breath catches in my chest. As soon as our eyes meet, her face breaks into a gorgeous, toothless, drooly grin... and I grin right back.
Today, my baby is 5 months old. It is a heartbeat and it is a lifetime. I pray for many, many more months to come. And I pray that I appreciate the blessing of this little woman in my life. My husband has gone to camp with his young disciples... and I am at home with mine.

(Hazel and I will be traveling this week in the absence of our Man of the House, and probably not posting much!)

made for this

God made us in His image. This, I'm quite sure, brings with it a few very specific character traits/needs/desires. Last night, I was struck by how wired we are for community. How God made us that way.
Standing in our church's lobby, chatting with people as we passed each other by... it was so exactly what I needed. I stood with a couple other new mamas, and a couple more-experienced mamas with new babies... and I found comfort, laughter and community. There's really nothing like standing in God's house, talking with friends - it feels so full.
Some people are naturally extraverted. They don't need reminders that community is good, that being with people can be so. good. for your soul. My dear husband is one of those people. He loves being with people and seeks to fill our days and our home with community. It's a good thing.
Some people, however, are more inclined to introversion - and they need to be sent a memo every once in awhile. Now I'm pretty sure I'm 50/50 - I'm extraverted in the sense that I tend to focus on others, but introverted in that I don't go out of my way to surround myself with groups of people. My relaxing time tends to be quiet and solo.
And thus, I fall into the category of Those Who Need a Memo. Which, I would be willing to bet, is one of the reasons God matched up me and Mark as a team.
Perhaps God is dropping the hint that I need to add Seek Out Community to my list of Very Simple Lessons...

food for thought

I generally view myself as an intelligent woman. I "get" things, know some stuff, and have a decent memory.
Or so I thought.
Lately, I've been struck again and again at how often I am re-learning Very Simple Lessons. Why do they not stick the first second twelfth thirty-second time I come across them??
Because my human-ness takes over. I let it take over.
My ability to lay around and twiddle away an afternoon overpowers my desire to get my home organized...
My tendency to procrastinate when a job is less than desirable beats up on my sincere wish to get things done...
And my selfish, what-about-me? mentality has an uncanny knack for stepping all over my craving to spend time with the Lord and seek His face.
I've been taking baby steps (ever since my rant about the house closing in on me) toward conquering (or at least minimizing) some of these tendencies. I know that I can do it. I've kicked the snot out of bad habits before.
Here are Three Very Simple Lessons I want to "get." I mean really GET.

1. God's Word is the best thing for me. I know this already - I just don't always live like I know it. So I'm going to put my Bible on/near the couch (my usual nursing spot) and pick it up every chance I get while feeding Hazel.
2. Less is more. My house is full of stuff. So much excess... it's starting to make me sick. Not just because it's cluttery, but because it's so material. I don't want things to be the focus of my days - and it's much easier to achieve that when there are fewer things to manage/clean/pick up/take care of. I'm going to go through, room by room, and purge. At least a surface-level purge.
3. Structure is good (at least for me). I need concrete tasks. I love lists. Goals are great. I've started putting together a Home Management Notebook (thanks, SimpleMom!) I need some time to get it fully-functioning and organized, but I think it will help me keep track of some of those goals, lists and concrete tasks I relish so much.

And so, I'm committing to 40 days of focusing on learning these Very Simple Lessons. Starting today, July 11th, and ending on August 19th. I'll try to keep you posted on the progress as I go along - not so much that anyone out there cares that much about my inability to grasp Very Simple Lessons, but that it helps me to feel accountable.
Thanks for listening, internets.
Oh, and yes, that is my Very Grown-Up Daughter eating rice cereal for the first time. She's still a little iffy on the whole concept, but for a variety of reasons, we need to get her comfortable with eating cereal by, oh - about August 19th. More on that later.

where to start?

I feel as though my house is closing in on me.
When we moved in 4 years ago, we were coming from a one-bedroom, graduate assistant apartment in a residence hall. It totalled maybe 550 square feet. There was NO WAY I'd ever be able to fill the rooms and closets of this gigantic, enormous, monster-sized, almost-1,300 square foot house!
Fast forward to today.
Closets = Overflowing
Bedrooms = Overflowing
Basement = Overflowing
Garage = You guessed... overflowing. With creepy, dirty garage things.
I want so badly to get organized around here. I want to donate the things we don't use but someone else could. I want to scrap/throw away/recycle the stuff that we don't use and no one else could either. I want fewer things, less clutter.... and I have NO IDEA how to start.
That's not true.
I have dozens upon dozens of ideas on how to start. I just need to figure out where. The task in my head is mammoth. I need something smaller than mammoth... something more like squirrel or pygmie goat.
Right now, my head is swimming with menu planning, closet organization, recycling systems, clothing donations and coupon organizers. I want to do it all. Immediately. (Not a good idea, I know). I've visited fabulous blogs and websites with great, practical tips. I just need to pick one and run with it for a bit.
This is what happens to my head when my baby wakes up at 4:20am and doesn't go to sleep again until 7:30. When Mama is wide awake.

anyone seen a circus nearby?

If you HAVE seen a circus, and they're looking for a Bald Woman, let me know. My daughter has made it her personal mission to pull out of my head every. single. hair. that is within the reach of her oh-so-sweet-and-innocent-looking but pincerlike chubby hands. As I prize wads of hair out of her little fists, eyes watering, I figure I could at least turn my newest physical, um, attribute to my advantage by joining the cirucs.
I jest. I'd totally settle for a county fair.

Seriously, the girl, she is full of tricks these days. She wakes up (usually a bit before Mama wants her to) sing-screeching happily in her crib (until she deems she has waited long enough, then the sing-screech turns a bit sour). ANYthing that comes in range of her hands is grabbed and shoved into her mouth, along with her fingers (on which she often chokes)... and the sing-screeching continues around objects and hands. The toes are new favorite playthings, and although they haven't quite made it to her mouth yet, they do provide hours minutes of entertainment.



She has had her first dip in the pool - and did great. We're thinking the 2028 Summer Olympics. Mark your calendars. (Ignore the faceless Mama in the picture. If her hair wasn't half gone, she might consider appearing in the picture. In her bathing suit. On her blog. Okay, not true - she's totally glad you can't see her face.)

We'll be on a little hiatus for the holiday weekend. Enjoy yourselves, stuff yourself silly on jello, potato salad and hotdogs, and try to dodge any rogue fireworks.

soak it up

Mark and I like to say that Hazel has "always been smart." It's the typical, proud-parent, skewed reality thing to say, and it's funny since she's only 4 1/2 months old. But this picture is evidence that she wants to soak up everything she can.
Seriously though - our little girl watches things, especially people, with such intensity... it's incredible to imagine how much her little brain is learning with every moment, every experience. And the evidence is clear - she learns new things daily, her hand-eye coordination improves by the second, she sings and talks more and more every day (with new sounds)... and she does it all with such delight.
I want to soak up my life the way she does... she does not worry about tomorrow. I want to take note of the moment, for this, right now... THIS is my life. I want to learn something new every day, and not be ashamed or embarrassed if I'm not good at it at first. I want to smile with joy at the people who love me, and settle into familiar arms at the end of the day.
I'm still in awe at how much motherhood teaches you when you stop to look for it.

(Thanks for the prayers - Hazel had a rough day or two while Mark was away, but is back to her usual cheerful chatterbox self these days. I still think she's teething, but nothing has popped through yet.)

help needed

The crying, oh the crying.
The not-napping.
The Daddy in Atlanta.
I think she's teething. I know she's tired.
Please sleep, baby.

catnap. literally.

Mark and I have no pets. We both grew up in homes with pets and while we do not dislike animals, we do not want to take care of animals. In our home. On our furniture. It may be laziness, or it may be selfishness. We prefer to think of it as thoughtfulness for the hypothetical animal that would be our pet - as we're awfully busy, travelly people with a smallish house and very regular-sized backyard. Who wants to be cooped up all day?? We decided that human children would be enough for us - and we were right. :)
Tuesday morning Hazel and I left for the grocery store for some much-needed supplies. Apparently being away for 10 days doesn't do much for your refrigerator. As I lugged my little darling down the front steps to the car, I spied a calico kitty. On our front porch. Curled up in our chair. As if she had not a care in the world (she probably doesn't) and as if she lived there (she definitely doesn't).
Like so:









Kitty raised her head, looked at me, and returned to napping. I was impressed. Not exactly skittish. The kitty was so durn cute that I didn't bother shooing it away - I figured she'd wander away on her own.
We returned from the store to find kitty still there. Still asleep. Now I'm doubly impressed. Up & down the steps, in & out the front door, and Kitty never stirs. I contemplated feeding the kitty because she's so cute, and because Mark is many states away right now and can't tell me not to.
Fast forward a few hours - my child is sleeping. I'm on the phone with my sister, and telling her the Funny Story About Finding a Kitty on My Porch, and I decide to check the front porch again. Kitty is (you got it) STILL THERE. Still asleep. All I can think is, What the hey did Kitty do all night long to need a 5-hour-plus nap on my porch?
Kitty finally woke up when my 11-year-old neighbor rang the doorbell a little later. Luckily my young friend knew the kitty instantly (her name is Chloe, and she's oh-so-friendly) and we walked her back over to her actual home. Two doors down.
As far as I'm concerned, Chloe can sleep on our front porch anytime. She may be the closest we ever come to having a pet of our own, because diapers + naptimes + laundry + dishes + pet food/pet hair/vet bills??? I just don't think I have it in me.

still my heart

There are many things about motherhood that have surprised me. Many of those things have brought me joy, a few have brought me to tears, and many have made me laugh. But one of the very coolest surprises about being a mom has been watching my parents love my baby.
It's kinda weird because I, you know, grew up with my parents. It's not as though I'm unfamiliar with them or their love. However, I don't really have a whole lot of memory from when I was, oh, four months old, so I had no idea what to expect, really. And as Hazel is their grandbaby and not their baby, things are a little different (or so I've been told). To be perfectly hoenst, I didn't really give it much thought while I was pregnant. I knew they were thrilled and excited, and I knew they'd love her. That was about the extent of it.
But seriously - I was not prepared for the way their eyes would light up when they see her. For the endless hours of holding her, talking to her, laughing because the pure joy that was bubbling up could not be contained... Such gentle care, such delight. It's absolutely indescribable to watch.
They think Hazey is the best thing since sliced bread, and it rips my heart wide open (in a good way). I pray that Hazel might someday catch a glimpse of how big their love for her really is.

... gathers no moss

Well, folks... it's happened. Baby B is mobile, agile, hostile (Well, not really agile or hostile, but I'll give a 4-year-old Tootsie Pop to the first person who knows what movie that line is from!)
The baby, she is a'rolling.
She's been scooting around for weeks and weeks - she has turned herself 180 degrees in her crib, and traversed from one end to the other. But until last Wednesday, she hadn't managed to roll over.
To set the stage:
At my parents' house, Hazel sleeps in a doctored-up, comfy pack&play in an upstairs bedroom. I sleep downstairs with the baby monitor nearby. Sometimes this arrangement works well, sometimes not. But early Wednesday morning (I'm guessing about 4:30am) I heard a shriek/squeal through the monitor, followed by some lovely baby chatter. A little odd - usually if Hazey's gonna be vocal when she wakes up, it's slightly more distressed than that. I climbed the stairs quickly to try to keep her from waking up my sister and entered "her" room to find her on her back. (If you've been reading awhile, you know I am a Bad Mommy who puts her daughter to sleep on her tummy) She was grinning and just oh-so-proud of herself.
Since then, almost every time I went in to get her up from (naptime or nighttime) - I'd find the little monkey all flipped over. And I've gotten to watch her do it 2 or 3 times too - it just may be the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Now we'll just have to see if a rolling baby gathers any moss.

oh holy cow

As you know, my little family and I went AWOL for the past, erm, 10 days or so. I have about a gazillion half-baked blog posts in my mind from our gallavanting, but alas - you will have to wait until those are slightly more well-done.
In my absence, I was tagged for a meme by Leighton at My Best Investments (a very fun blog to check out, by the way) - so here goes.

My Six Word Memoir
God gave her everything she needed.

Seriously - that's probably the best way to sum up the past 10 days. Things were surprising, mundane, wonderful, tough, easy, funny and full of insights. It was hard to leave my parents' house and incredible to be back home. But through all the big and little ups-and-downs of the week, His grace was sufficient for me. I was struck by how well loved I am by our God - all the time, every day. Whether I notice it, or am grateful for it... He is loving me more than I know, more than I deserve.

Anyway - we're all back, we're all safe & healthy, and be sure to hold your breath for some fabulous blogging sure to come in the next, oh, decade or so. :)

adventure

We're off on an adventure.
Today's destination: Louisville, KY for a family wedding.
Sunday's destination: Chicago suburbs, where Hazel and I will stay with my family while Mark goes to Dallas, TX for work... for a full week
Next Sunday's destination: home!!
Pray for safe travels and good times!

lights out

Michigan has seen at least one good, solid thunderstorm every day since Friday. Lightning, rain, big wind, trees falling over... the whole shebang.
Thus it was no big surprise when the power flicked off and on last night at about 3:30am. A teensy bit more surprising was when it happened again, fifteen minutes later. On-off-on. Alarm clock blinks 12:00 once more.
Far more surprising... the on-off-on-off-on-OFF that happened at 4:00am. No blinking 12:00. No gentle hum of the ceiling fan. Oddly - only silence (no rain or thunder to be heard).
What we DID hear... the incessant, relentless, please-can't-I-ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away beep of a smoke detector without a battery. The smoke detector that is about 2.5 feet away from daughter's room.
Folks... it's harder than one might think to stumble downstairs, dig through the junk drawer to find a 9-volt battery, stumble back upstairs and help the hubby replace it at 4:00 in the morning... with no power. Mark and I have been known (shhh... don't tell) to rip a certain smoke detector right out of the ceiling and bury it under the couch pillows when it wouldn't stop beeping. With no electricity and no battery. (Anyone ever see the episode of Friends where Phoebe's smoke alarm does the same thing?)
Anyway - we got the beeping to stop, daughter slept through the whole thing, and we went back to bed. Serenaded by the gulping, croaky songs of the toads that live in the swampy-pond area behind our house. They are LOUD. Luckily, the rain came in soon after and silenced the froggies.
And I realized how spoiled I am by electricity when the power didn't come back on until 4:00pm.
It's good to be back.

the girl, she loves to smile

Pay no attention to the dorky hat... that's what happens when you leave your baby alone with her Nana & Papa for a few minutes...

being watched

She's still little. Not quite four months old. She can't brush her teeth, spell her name, or tie her own shoes.
But she is watching me.
I'll be busy folding laundry (most often, diapers) with her sitting next to me in her bouncy seat. I look up to find her blue eyes focused intensely on me. Sometimes she's smiling, sometimes just observing.
She'll watch me put on my makeup or do my hair in the morning. She watches me put my shoes on when we leave the house, and she watches me when she's eating.
I know she doesn't understand what she sees yet, and I know it'll be a while before I have a little "mini-me" running around and doing everything I do.
But folks... it has me on my toes.
Suddenly everything I do is viewed in light of this revelation... that for many, MANY years to come... I will be watched. Closely.
And so I will make decisions, not just for me, but for the little one watching. I will try to choose my words, think about my actions, and be deliberate with my time because she is watching. And most of all, I will look to the best example I have of perfection in parenting - and try to shine a little bit of Christ on my girl.

re-reminders

I know lots of things. Some of it is pretty useless these days - like knowing that my high school locker number was D1119, or knowing where the creaky spots are in the upstairs hallway at my parents' house. Some of it has a timely usefulness - I know that Hazel prefers to be held upright, facing the world, and I know that the sliding glass door to our backyard likes to stick on the tracks. And some of the things I know are timeless... but these are the things I tend to (at least temporarily) forget.
I know that my days are best started quietly - with breakfast and my Bible. I know that I will have more energy if I make time for some kind of physical activity aside from lugging a 15-pound baby around all day. I know that getting out of the house for a little while each day is totally worth the effort. I know that I can never be enough on my own, that I must rely on my Creator. I know that spending my energy worrying about having my needs met will be more exhausting than focusing on everyone else and trusting God to take care of me. I know that it's really not such a bad thing to unload the dishwasher and fold & put away the laundry - and that it's also not such a bad thing if it doesn't get done. I know all I can do is my best and leave the rest to Christ.
These things that I know... they are always true. Circumstances arise that lure me into forgetting... and I always marvel at how easily my silly little brain allows that to happen.
Here's to sweet reminders.

i'm hopeless

I made a plea for input on good books to read a few weeks back. I visited our local library and have frequented the online catalog. I reserved a few books, and picked them up when they had been transferred to the branch in town. And since then, I've been useless for doing anything but sitting on my rear end and reading.
Oh, trivial little things get done - I've unpacked from our weekend adventures, and I tidied up the living room & kitchen... and there's a load of diapers in the wash right now. We haven't gone hungry (yet). But mostly, I'm just waiting until I can snuggle into the couch again and disappear into my book.
It's not such a bad habit, as far as bad habits go... but I probably should set a timer or something.

greenery

Here's the update on my Adventures in Going Green:
1. I've used the reusable bags when I go shopping - and I love them!! Not only does it feel good to not have a gazillion plastic bags at the end of a shopping trip, but they are sturdy, they stand upright, and they hold so much!
2. I like my homemade cleaners - although they do require an extra step (wipe down with clean cloth & water) - the ones with baking soda or cornstarch in them will leave behind a film if I don't wipe up. However - the fact that they are so cheap to make and aren't full of icky harsh chemicals makes up for it.
3. I like using the rags instead of paper towels for cleaning - we still have some paper towels in the house, so I'll use them up, but then I'm hoping to not buy anymore.
4. There are plants growing in every single one of my pots on the front porch!! I have no idea if any veggies will actually grow - but it's so fun to see them coming up. We have snap peas, tomatoes, cucumbers, summer squash and green beans planted. Yum!
5. Recycling is going well - still haven't made it to the recycling center to empty my bins (and they ARE getting full...) but I've noticed how much less trash we have.
6. I haven't gone any further really with the whole canning/preserving thing - but I'm still interested.
7. I've been looking into more natural beauty/skin/haircare products and techniques. I'm now using a natural deodorant (no anti-perspirant, which scared me at first, but I actually found that after a few days, my body adjusted and I actually sweat less. Weird) and washing my face with oil (once again, scary sounding, but your skin adjusts - I used to have some oily patches & some dry patches... now everything feels nice & smooth - no flaky spots, and once again, no icky chemicals). I use a mineral foundation, and am still looking into stuff for my hair. We're on a budget, so it has to be natural AND inexpensive... those two don't often go hand-in-hand.

Anyway - that's how things are going. Thanks for keeping me honest! And ENJOY the holiday weekend!!

a girl, a duck and a bib

She's not quite sure what the duck is doing by her face... or what her mama is doing with the camera. (I told you she makes great faces!)








In casting aside the ducky, she has managed to flip the these-days-very-necessary-bib up onto her face. She doesn't seem to mind, and waits patiently for me to fix the situation.








And oh, it does feel good to breathe again!













I guess the feeling of bib-on-face is a nice one... because the bib is back. And it seems like we may just have to taste the bib, just in case it turns out to be a fabulous (and oh-so-handy) snack.











Maybe not. I guess she'll just stick to chewing on her lower lip. And her mama.

tag... I'm it!

Runaway Mommy tagged me for a meme on Friday (shows how much attention I'm paying to things...)
So here goes (this was harder than I thought it would be!!):

5 things under $5.00 that I couldn't live without:
Mascara (I don't leave the house without it)
Flip-flops from Old Navy (I get new ones every year)
Starbucks - but my drink changes depending on the season, so I won't list them all here
My MaryKay lip balm
toothpaste & toothbrush (ick!)

5 favorite movies:
Juno
Goonies
Good Will Hunting
Top Gun
Catch & Release

5 favorite baby names I love:
Charlotte
Eliza
William (called Liam for short)
Elijah
and of course, Hazel Maryn

5 songs I love:
Twenty-First Time by Monk & Neagle
How Great is our God by Chris Tomlin
When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss
What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong
pretty much anything by Joshua Radin

5 positive influences:
My husband
My friend Kristen
My little sister
The kids I know through working with YoungLife
My family

5 life changing moments:
Accepting Christ as my personal savior in middle school
May 2, 1999 - my first kiss with my future husband
Mark asking me to marry him
June 6, 2007 - found out I was pregnant
February 12, 2008 - had my beautiful baby girl

5 current obsessions:
waiting for it to be warmer
losing the last 5 or so baby pounds
keeping the house moderately clean/organized
finding new ways to be environmentally friendly
finding mommy-friends

5 places I want to go:
Italy
Houghton, MI (I hear it's gorgeous & I've never been)
Spencerport, NY to visit my friends
Hawaii
Out with my husband (sans baby)

5 appliances or kitchen tools I could not live without:
Washing machine
Bread machine
Dishwasher
Refrigerator
Can opener (I just think it would really tough to not have one...)

5 people who I would like to see their top 5's
Dana
Ashleigh
Angela
Kim
Emily

on our own

Mark left yesterday morning around 10:00am, and will be back late tomorrow night.
I now (even more than I did before) have new respect for single (or situationally single) mamas everywhere.
How in the world do you gals do it?
I can handle things fine until 4:30 or 5:00 (the time Mark might normally come home)... then I start to unravel. For some reason, fussing & crying start to seem more overwhelming. It becomes harder to go places, harder to get things done. By bedtime last night, I was So Ready For Hazel to Sleep.
Thankfully, God's mercies are new every single morning - and we woke up to sunshine & a smiley baby today.
Let's just hope it lasts until bedtime.
And that Tuesday night comes quickly!! :)

in which I am not the least bit overly dramatic or sentimental

My baby is three months old today. That's a quarter of a year. Ninety days. Two thousand one hundred sixty hours. You get the picture... I pray that these days will wind up only being a small percentage of her life, but today... it is her whole life.
I took this picture this morning (no, it is not that warm out... she just got some new dresses from my family and I had to try them on. They're just. too. cute.) She looks so grown up, which I know is a funny thing to say about an infant. But still.
This is a girl who sings along when her daddy plays guitar and we sing praise songs. She kicks her feet like crazy on the changing table and loves to chew on her hands. She looks people in the eye when she meets them, as if she is sizing them up. She laughs at funny faces, smiles when she sees her daddy, and talks to the bug toy that hangs from her carseat. She has chubby cheeks and rolls on her legs and the most precious little drooly smile I've ever seen. She can raise one eyebrow, stick out her tongue, or give you the most intense stare/frown you've ever seen from a baby. She holds her head steady and likes to be held so she can see the world.
This is a different little girl from the one I met three months ago - and yet she is still the same. She makes me smile every single day. Oh, I love her so.
Happy day, little lady. Here's to many, many more.

it might be funny some day...

But right now, it still makes my stomach drop a little bit.
Ladies and gentlemen... cloth diapers saved my daughter's life last night. Or at least, saved her from potentially (probably) severe physical harm. Because her parents... they are not so smart.
Yesterday was a beautiful day - sunshiny & warmish - and a good number of our young friends had a home baseball game at the high school. Mark went alone for a little while, came home for dinner & told me that it was a double-header, and the 3 of us should go back when we were done. Hazel has quite a fan club around these parts, and I was looking forward to being out in the lovely weather. So we packed up and went to the game.
High school baseball diamonds don't have the biggest bleachers in the world, so pretty much the whole viewing area (at least the area with seats) is in the "foul" zone. You know what I mean - those nasty little tipped-foul-balls that go shooting into the stands at 7000 mph. Yeah, well... we were sitting there, with our not-quite-three-month-old baby girl, chatting with some friends whose sons play on the team... and we were talking about Hazel's cloth diapers. (Both of these women had cloth diapered their kids and were impressed to hear about the changes/options available now). As many of you know, and others may guess, cloth diapers give babies a rather fluffy, padded posterior. Kathy reached over to pat Hazel's fluffy bum when a foul ball came zipping. directly. at. my. daughter.
Luckily (for Hazel), Kathy's arm caught the ball and it only ricocheted off Hazel's dipe - but the screaming and sudden movements surrounding the incident made Hazel start wailing. And from Mark's perspective, he thought she had taken the ball square in the back (which I won't think about for too long, it makes my stomach hurt). We walked her off to the side, checked her little body all over, and determined that she was perfectly fine. A little scared, but nothing some cuddles and "snacktime" couldn't cure. Kathy, however, has a lovely baseball-sized bruise on her forearm. And we all had a hard time going to sleep last night, I'm sure.
We felt pretty stupid - but who would really think "Oh NO, high school baseball games?? WAY too dangerous for a baby!!" We'll stick to soccer and football for awhile, I think. Or at least hide behind the chainlink backstop for the. entire. game.
I've never been so glad to be using cloth diapers. And that God watches high school baseball games. And the people who attend them.

You Know You're a Mama When... + an actual post

You Know You're a Mama When... you look forward to your yearly *ahem* doctor's visit because you get to go a.l.o.n.e.

Look! Two weeks in a row! :)
~~
I've always been an avid reader. I was one of those kids who would check out 10 books, and be back a week later for 10 more. One of those kids who probably spent more time at the library than at the pool in the summertime (although if you could see my skin, you'd understand why staying out of the sun in the summertime is a Good Thing for me).

I haven't had many new books to read lately, and I'm starting to itch for some written words... And so, dear internet friends of mine, I would like to ask for your input.

Read any good books lately?

I like all kinds of things, but I'm particularly interested in finding some good books about parenting. I've looked up lots of different books online, but I'd love to know if any of you have specific recommendations. My brain needs to be challenged, folks. It's melting away into mommyhood. So hit me with your best shot - I've got parenting-type books in mind, but I'm dying to hear about ANY of the good books you may have read lately (or are still reading and are thoroughly enjoying).

Thanks!!

tribute

To everyone out there...
~ Who has sat up at night and held a child in her arms
~ Who has looked into the eyes of her child for the first time and realized how much love a heart can hold
~ Who has learned not to bat an eyelash when covered in all manner of bodily fluids... someone else's bodily fluids
~ Who struggles to take up the cross of motherhood daily, that her children might catch the smallest glimpse of Christ in her life
~ Who has prayed for the heart of her child, long before he or she was even born
~ Who has quivered just a bit at the responsibility of tending a child's heart
~ Who has kissed owies, wiped runny noses and soothed tears - all the while wishing she could bear the pain herself
~ Whose life is full of laundry, dishes, diapers and more...

And who wouldn't want it any other way.

Happy Mother's Day!
(okay, I know it's three days early, but we leave tomorrow for a visit with my family, and I wanted to get this post up there - for all the incredible moms I know in real life, and all the incredible moms I've "met" online - Happy Mother's Day!)

numbers

I like numbers. Here are a few that are representative of my life.

Last Friday, Hazel and I finished our first 5K (3.1 miles) in 44 minutes and 11 seconds. Not bad for an 11-week postpartum Mama pushing a 14 pound baby in a stroller/car seat combo that weighs about 34 pounds. We finished in 561st place out of 659 people.

Last night, between the hours of 1:31am and 3:24am I changed a crib sheet 1 time, changed the changing pad cover 2 times, fed my daughter 2 times, changed her pajamas 2 times and murmered silent prayers for sleep... oh, I lost count. (No, she's not sick. Just went to bed too early and decided to be awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night. Daddy took the shift for the last 45 minutes or so).

For the past 3 days I've gotten up early and done 3 sets of The Hundred (for anyone who knows/has experienced some pilates - this is an effective but rather deadly move. I have a love/hate relationship with it... but right now, the feelings I have toward my post-baby belly are triumphing over my disdain of The 100. And yes, The Hundred Must Be Capitalized). I've also done 3 sets of 15 reps of a standing side-bend with a 20-pound weight. Yesterday Hazel and I did 3 laps around our 1/2 mile "track" (our street loop). After Three Whole Days of such terrifically hard work - how is it that I don't see more progress? *wink* Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my virtues?

Yesterday I washed my every-other-day load of diapers - 10 prefolds and 8 pocket diapers, 22 cloth wipes and 3 hemp doublers. Today I will wash all the baby clothes that are soaked in spit up.

Gotta run - baby is awake after (finally) sleeping another almost-5 hours. Praise God!

new frontier

I'm thinking of starting something here on the blog - it may fall flat on its face, but hey - I like trying new things!
Every Tuesday (or every Tuesday that I'm around & remember to do this) - I'll be hosting "You Know You're a Mama When..." The past three months have been filled with so many of those moments (most of them pretty darn funny... at least, after the fact) that I thought it would be fun to share, and to hear from some of the other Mamas out there in bloggie-land.
Now, I don't have a pretty button for linkage purposes... and I have basically no html talents, so it may take me a little while to create something worthy. In the meantime, here's the first installment.

You Know You're a Mama When...
You're standing in the bathroom, blow-drying your shirt because you managed to leak through your nursing pad (again). And since you're going out in public that day, and you actually like the outfit you're wearing - you don't care that you'll spend the day walking around with dried breastmilk on your shirt, as long as it's not visible.
Not that this has ever been me. *cough*

Now it's your turn! Hit me with your best shot!

it ain't easy...

Since 1998, I have attended/worked at a university whose best-known cheer is: "Go GREEN! Go WHITE!" I've been "green" for almost a decade. I've owned t-shirts that claim I bleed green.
But I never really meant "green" in the sense of caring about the environment. As I mentioned a few weeks ago - I've never really been that environmentally aware (or even too concerned, I'm sorry to say...)
Until recently. I'm not sure what switched for me - but I'm suddenly "going green" right and left.
In the past week or so I have:
- switched about 18 light bulbs in the house from regular incandescent bulbs to CFL bulbs
- purchased and used the lovely reusable grocery bags available at Meijer
- bought 2 big Rubbermaid tubs to collect recyclables (they don't pick up recycling around here, so we have to transport it to the local recycling center)
- made three new household cleaners from recipes I've found here and here
- challenged myself to start using cloth rags to clean the house instead of paper towels
- planted vegetables in containers on my front porch (after a little research and deciding I couldn't do a "real" garden this year)
- joined a website called Natural Mommy in search of more tips
- decided I want to try some canning/preserving this summer, but I have NO IDEA where to start - that's a new project for me
I'll try to keep you updated on my adventures in the Land of the Environmentally Friendly - it feels really good (and most of the time - it saves money!) And I don't list all these things to brag about how great I am... on the contrary, it's because I need your help!! I can often get really excited about new things like this, and then just burn myself out because I'm too impatient to take one step at a time. I mean, isn't it more fun to try 17 new things at once??
So bloggie friends - keep me honest, ask how I'm doing, and if you have any great tips/insights/fun green things you like to do - please share!!

questions and answers

Maybe some of all you SAHMs out there can help me with this.
I've been "not working" for 3 months now. We're out of the "newborn" phase (although we have moved into a strange new land of random fussiness). I'm getting "the hang" of this Mama thing. (And apparently, I'm "loving" using quotation marks for emphasis).
The question I get a LOT these days goes something like this:

"So what else have you been up to?"
or
"Does it feel strange to not be working anymore?"
or
"How are you filling your days?"

Folks, I just don't know what to say at that point. There are hundreds of sassy responses that run through my mind - but I'm thinking that might not be the very best way to go, especially since it doesn't really offend me. And sassy responses generally give that impression.

On the other hand, everything polite sounds awfully lame. For the sake of whoever is asking the question, I feel as though I want to give a glamorous, interesting answer. To fulfill the fantasy that exists in their minds' eyes of "Staying At Home."
Plus, most people aren't consciously trying to insinuate anything or to make me feel small. They don't mean anything by it. Just that they don't really understand. I know I didn't really understand this job before I was living it every day.
It's not glamorous. It's not all that exciting. It's repetitive. It involves things like "chores" and "housework." At the end of the day, my accomplishment is this:
(note that the pile on the left is Mark's, the pile on the right is mine. I'm just saying...)

And this:I am not ashamed of the way I spend my days. It is slow and busy, small and huge, calm and rambunctious, quiet and noisy. But mostly, it's meaningful. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. Somehow, the time flies. And even though I don't have a great answer to all the questions, I know there is value in whatever it is I "do all day."

comfort

We were teasing my sister-in-law yesterday about being in a grumpy mood. You know the kind - where there is nothing that will make you feel better, no suggestion worth acting on, and a very good reason not to smile no matter what anyone says... the Just Let Me Stay Grumpy kind of mood. She was (ironically) a great sport about it - mostly because all of us doing the teasing fully admitted to practicing the same behavior at one point or another.
Well folks. Today my daughter is in that mood. Or at least - this afternoon. There is no comfort worth responding to - just fussiness. She's in her bed now, because "Mama Knows Best" (haha) - and what Mama knows is that Mama needs a break for a bit. And that Baby is probably quite tired and will benefit from a nice long nap.
Quite honestly, I'm never sure what to do when she gets like this. She squirms ferociously when you hold her, but screams when you put her down. She chews on your shoulder, but spits everything up when you feed her. Her eyes droop but she is inexplicably awake the second she hits the crib mattress. These are the moments when I grit my teeth and pray.
I wonder what God is thinking when He hears those prayers... because how often has that cranky baby been me? When God answers my plea, but I will have none of it. When I know I want something, but I don't know what it is, and nothing anyone offers is right.
How much time does He spend smiling down on me, waiting for me to figure out that what He's offering (what He's been offering) is exactly what I need? That I will feel immensely better as soon as I trust His wisdom and just give in to it?
I'm sure glad our Lord is perfect in His patience and unending grace. This Mama benefits from His example.

i am learning

Isn't bathtime fun? Hazel started out detesting bathtime, and has come a long way to a level of "Tolerate, Almost Enjoy." She is learning to accept and make the best of this fixture in her life.
I've now had almost 10 weeks of on-the-job Mama Training, and I too, am learning.
Learning when to let my baby cry herself back to sleep, and when to pick her up.
Learning that you really should (if at all possible) NEVER wake a sleeping baby.
I am learning about her personality, and that although she looks quite a bit like me & my side of the family - she bears a few of her daddy's character traits.
Learning that a two-hour nap for baby in the afternoon means crossing 12 things off Mama's to-do-list.
And one of the biggest lessons - I've learned that we're always learning. I'll never know everything, never do it all perfectly. And so, I'll try to take joy in the process of learning, and give myself a teeny pat on the back when I realize that I've mastered a lesson.

instead of PayPal...

Check this out - it's been floating around cyberspace for a little while now, but it's a cool alternative to PayPal, and a way to make some money for yourself! Not a bad deal - just click the link!