warning - a (rather wordy) glimpse into my head...

I'm Feeling: like I didn't sleep quite enough last night
Background Noise: Beautiful One by By The Tree

I was up too late last night, reading In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - I haven't seen the movie, but I want to, and I thought it might be nice to read the book first. Not always true, but I love books.

So you may be wondering why I've pictured a yoke here (used to yoke two oxen together to plow fields). Well, I wanted to expound a little bit on my "God is faithful" declaration yesterday. Jesus tells us (all who are weary) to come to Him for rest, because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Without going into too much background/context detail, Jesus's yoke is - love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. Yup, I've heard that before. But I never really understood the piece where it's not wearisome or heavy. I like people a lot, but historically, I like them in moderation, and on my own terms. I have a tendency to cling to my space and my time, and become worn out by excessive socialization. I know, I sound like a big old weirdo.

I've been thinking and praying a lot about that lately, and I think part of my problem is/was that I've proven to be very susceptible to thoughts like "somebody else would be so much better at loving (insert name here) ight now" and "I'm not that energetic/silly/fun - they'd rather be friends with someone else." The funny thing is that I'm not really a low self-esteem-y person (I don't think). I'm just hard on myself to the point of martyrdom. I felt like I didn't have enough in me to be giving so much to other people all the time. I haven't always thought that way - I just think Satan has been able to get a secure foothold in that niche in my brain... it's been a slow change over a number of years.

Anyway, I've been praying for God to remove the poisonous thoughts from my head - it's obviously not helpful to have things like that floating around, and leave only what came from Him. In the past, I've asked for more energy, more time for myself, blah blah. I finally just asked for the thoughts to be gone altogether. And something clicked. This weekend, I just suddenly found this huge desire to seek out people and love them - and it was like there was a different voice in my head completely. "Where did Katie go??" I wondered - God either kicked Satan out and these new thoughts really are my heart, or He kicked me out and took up residence Himself. Either way, I'm glad He's walking with me. It's hard to explain if you don't know me that well, but let's just say it feels like a huge jump.

The only way to have friends is to be one, the person everyone likes is the person who likes everyone, and I have more than enough in me (from Him) to be able to give my all to those around me. Jesus's yoke is lighter than mine - praise God for simple answers to prayer!!