Wednesday, November 11, 2009

my list

The list.

Everyone has one - although most of us haven't necessarily written it down anywhere.

Besides - virtually every one of us wouldn't write down the true list... it would be a modified, more acceptable version. Just in case anyone ever found it.

And so, the unwritten list exists in my head. It directs my whole day - my attitude, my actions and my thoughts.

The List of My Priorities.

I'd love to tell you the list looks like this:

1. The Lord my God
2. My husband and daughters
3. Everyone else
4. Me

But I'd be lying. I don't even like to think about, or admit to myself, that in the morning, every morning, until I deliberately reset myself... my list ACTUALLY goes more like this:

1. Me
2. My husband and daughters
3. Other people - but probably only those I know well and/or like
4. The Lord my God, if I have time...

Ugh. I am so tempted to go back, delete those words, and post something shiny and happy that makes sure you all know what a wonderful woman, wife and mama I am.

But I sat here this morning, feeling alone and misunderstood and martyred for no particularly good reason... and I realized that I needed to reset my focus.

Maybe I really am a little lonely. And maybe there are people in my day-to-day interactions who do not understand. And maybe I do spend most of my day working to serve some very small, very needy people who really don't say thanks.

But what good does it do me to dwell on that? It does none. In fact, I am quite certain it hurts me. It leaves me focusing on myself, worrying about my own feelings and ignoring my gifts and opportunities.

For me, the first step in tackling my SELF is admitting that I'm wrong. If I write it down, say it out loud, tell someone else... I know that they know that I KNOW I'm selfish. (a big gold star to anyone who is still with me). It puts it out in the open, ugly and exposed - and gets it out of me.

So there you have it. Today, I would like my actual list and my "wish" list to match. I will take my burdens to the Lord first. I will turn a smile on husband and daughters, and rain a little love down on my house. I will turn my energy to those around me, and offer whatever I might have that is of value to them. And if I still have any time or energy... I'll go back and see if those things that were so burdensome to me before even still register on my list.

We all have a list.

1 thoughts:

Dilyn said...

i very much struggle with this too. praying for you katie! :)

and see you tonight!