the girl, she loves to smile

Pay no attention to the dorky hat... that's what happens when you leave your baby alone with her Nana & Papa for a few minutes...

being watched

She's still little. Not quite four months old. She can't brush her teeth, spell her name, or tie her own shoes.
But she is watching me.
I'll be busy folding laundry (most often, diapers) with her sitting next to me in her bouncy seat. I look up to find her blue eyes focused intensely on me. Sometimes she's smiling, sometimes just observing.
She'll watch me put on my makeup or do my hair in the morning. She watches me put my shoes on when we leave the house, and she watches me when she's eating.
I know she doesn't understand what she sees yet, and I know it'll be a while before I have a little "mini-me" running around and doing everything I do.
But folks... it has me on my toes.
Suddenly everything I do is viewed in light of this revelation... that for many, MANY years to come... I will be watched. Closely.
And so I will make decisions, not just for me, but for the little one watching. I will try to choose my words, think about my actions, and be deliberate with my time because she is watching. And most of all, I will look to the best example I have of perfection in parenting - and try to shine a little bit of Christ on my girl.

re-reminders

I know lots of things. Some of it is pretty useless these days - like knowing that my high school locker number was D1119, or knowing where the creaky spots are in the upstairs hallway at my parents' house. Some of it has a timely usefulness - I know that Hazel prefers to be held upright, facing the world, and I know that the sliding glass door to our backyard likes to stick on the tracks. And some of the things I know are timeless... but these are the things I tend to (at least temporarily) forget.
I know that my days are best started quietly - with breakfast and my Bible. I know that I will have more energy if I make time for some kind of physical activity aside from lugging a 15-pound baby around all day. I know that getting out of the house for a little while each day is totally worth the effort. I know that I can never be enough on my own, that I must rely on my Creator. I know that spending my energy worrying about having my needs met will be more exhausting than focusing on everyone else and trusting God to take care of me. I know that it's really not such a bad thing to unload the dishwasher and fold & put away the laundry - and that it's also not such a bad thing if it doesn't get done. I know all I can do is my best and leave the rest to Christ.
These things that I know... they are always true. Circumstances arise that lure me into forgetting... and I always marvel at how easily my silly little brain allows that to happen.
Here's to sweet reminders.

i'm hopeless

I made a plea for input on good books to read a few weeks back. I visited our local library and have frequented the online catalog. I reserved a few books, and picked them up when they had been transferred to the branch in town. And since then, I've been useless for doing anything but sitting on my rear end and reading.
Oh, trivial little things get done - I've unpacked from our weekend adventures, and I tidied up the living room & kitchen... and there's a load of diapers in the wash right now. We haven't gone hungry (yet). But mostly, I'm just waiting until I can snuggle into the couch again and disappear into my book.
It's not such a bad habit, as far as bad habits go... but I probably should set a timer or something.

greenery

Here's the update on my Adventures in Going Green:
1. I've used the reusable bags when I go shopping - and I love them!! Not only does it feel good to not have a gazillion plastic bags at the end of a shopping trip, but they are sturdy, they stand upright, and they hold so much!
2. I like my homemade cleaners - although they do require an extra step (wipe down with clean cloth & water) - the ones with baking soda or cornstarch in them will leave behind a film if I don't wipe up. However - the fact that they are so cheap to make and aren't full of icky harsh chemicals makes up for it.
3. I like using the rags instead of paper towels for cleaning - we still have some paper towels in the house, so I'll use them up, but then I'm hoping to not buy anymore.
4. There are plants growing in every single one of my pots on the front porch!! I have no idea if any veggies will actually grow - but it's so fun to see them coming up. We have snap peas, tomatoes, cucumbers, summer squash and green beans planted. Yum!
5. Recycling is going well - still haven't made it to the recycling center to empty my bins (and they ARE getting full...) but I've noticed how much less trash we have.
6. I haven't gone any further really with the whole canning/preserving thing - but I'm still interested.
7. I've been looking into more natural beauty/skin/haircare products and techniques. I'm now using a natural deodorant (no anti-perspirant, which scared me at first, but I actually found that after a few days, my body adjusted and I actually sweat less. Weird) and washing my face with oil (once again, scary sounding, but your skin adjusts - I used to have some oily patches & some dry patches... now everything feels nice & smooth - no flaky spots, and once again, no icky chemicals). I use a mineral foundation, and am still looking into stuff for my hair. We're on a budget, so it has to be natural AND inexpensive... those two don't often go hand-in-hand.

Anyway - that's how things are going. Thanks for keeping me honest! And ENJOY the holiday weekend!!

a girl, a duck and a bib

She's not quite sure what the duck is doing by her face... or what her mama is doing with the camera. (I told you she makes great faces!)








In casting aside the ducky, she has managed to flip the these-days-very-necessary-bib up onto her face. She doesn't seem to mind, and waits patiently for me to fix the situation.








And oh, it does feel good to breathe again!













I guess the feeling of bib-on-face is a nice one... because the bib is back. And it seems like we may just have to taste the bib, just in case it turns out to be a fabulous (and oh-so-handy) snack.











Maybe not. I guess she'll just stick to chewing on her lower lip. And her mama.

tag... I'm it!

Runaway Mommy tagged me for a meme on Friday (shows how much attention I'm paying to things...)
So here goes (this was harder than I thought it would be!!):

5 things under $5.00 that I couldn't live without:
Mascara (I don't leave the house without it)
Flip-flops from Old Navy (I get new ones every year)
Starbucks - but my drink changes depending on the season, so I won't list them all here
My MaryKay lip balm
toothpaste & toothbrush (ick!)

5 favorite movies:
Juno
Goonies
Good Will Hunting
Top Gun
Catch & Release

5 favorite baby names I love:
Charlotte
Eliza
William (called Liam for short)
Elijah
and of course, Hazel Maryn

5 songs I love:
Twenty-First Time by Monk & Neagle
How Great is our God by Chris Tomlin
When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss
What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong
pretty much anything by Joshua Radin

5 positive influences:
My husband
My friend Kristen
My little sister
The kids I know through working with YoungLife
My family

5 life changing moments:
Accepting Christ as my personal savior in middle school
May 2, 1999 - my first kiss with my future husband
Mark asking me to marry him
June 6, 2007 - found out I was pregnant
February 12, 2008 - had my beautiful baby girl

5 current obsessions:
waiting for it to be warmer
losing the last 5 or so baby pounds
keeping the house moderately clean/organized
finding new ways to be environmentally friendly
finding mommy-friends

5 places I want to go:
Italy
Houghton, MI (I hear it's gorgeous & I've never been)
Spencerport, NY to visit my friends
Hawaii
Out with my husband (sans baby)

5 appliances or kitchen tools I could not live without:
Washing machine
Bread machine
Dishwasher
Refrigerator
Can opener (I just think it would really tough to not have one...)

5 people who I would like to see their top 5's
Dana
Ashleigh
Angela
Kim
Emily

on our own

Mark left yesterday morning around 10:00am, and will be back late tomorrow night.
I now (even more than I did before) have new respect for single (or situationally single) mamas everywhere.
How in the world do you gals do it?
I can handle things fine until 4:30 or 5:00 (the time Mark might normally come home)... then I start to unravel. For some reason, fussing & crying start to seem more overwhelming. It becomes harder to go places, harder to get things done. By bedtime last night, I was So Ready For Hazel to Sleep.
Thankfully, God's mercies are new every single morning - and we woke up to sunshine & a smiley baby today.
Let's just hope it lasts until bedtime.
And that Tuesday night comes quickly!! :)

in which I am not the least bit overly dramatic or sentimental

My baby is three months old today. That's a quarter of a year. Ninety days. Two thousand one hundred sixty hours. You get the picture... I pray that these days will wind up only being a small percentage of her life, but today... it is her whole life.
I took this picture this morning (no, it is not that warm out... she just got some new dresses from my family and I had to try them on. They're just. too. cute.) She looks so grown up, which I know is a funny thing to say about an infant. But still.
This is a girl who sings along when her daddy plays guitar and we sing praise songs. She kicks her feet like crazy on the changing table and loves to chew on her hands. She looks people in the eye when she meets them, as if she is sizing them up. She laughs at funny faces, smiles when she sees her daddy, and talks to the bug toy that hangs from her carseat. She has chubby cheeks and rolls on her legs and the most precious little drooly smile I've ever seen. She can raise one eyebrow, stick out her tongue, or give you the most intense stare/frown you've ever seen from a baby. She holds her head steady and likes to be held so she can see the world.
This is a different little girl from the one I met three months ago - and yet she is still the same. She makes me smile every single day. Oh, I love her so.
Happy day, little lady. Here's to many, many more.

it might be funny some day...

But right now, it still makes my stomach drop a little bit.
Ladies and gentlemen... cloth diapers saved my daughter's life last night. Or at least, saved her from potentially (probably) severe physical harm. Because her parents... they are not so smart.
Yesterday was a beautiful day - sunshiny & warmish - and a good number of our young friends had a home baseball game at the high school. Mark went alone for a little while, came home for dinner & told me that it was a double-header, and the 3 of us should go back when we were done. Hazel has quite a fan club around these parts, and I was looking forward to being out in the lovely weather. So we packed up and went to the game.
High school baseball diamonds don't have the biggest bleachers in the world, so pretty much the whole viewing area (at least the area with seats) is in the "foul" zone. You know what I mean - those nasty little tipped-foul-balls that go shooting into the stands at 7000 mph. Yeah, well... we were sitting there, with our not-quite-three-month-old baby girl, chatting with some friends whose sons play on the team... and we were talking about Hazel's cloth diapers. (Both of these women had cloth diapered their kids and were impressed to hear about the changes/options available now). As many of you know, and others may guess, cloth diapers give babies a rather fluffy, padded posterior. Kathy reached over to pat Hazel's fluffy bum when a foul ball came zipping. directly. at. my. daughter.
Luckily (for Hazel), Kathy's arm caught the ball and it only ricocheted off Hazel's dipe - but the screaming and sudden movements surrounding the incident made Hazel start wailing. And from Mark's perspective, he thought she had taken the ball square in the back (which I won't think about for too long, it makes my stomach hurt). We walked her off to the side, checked her little body all over, and determined that she was perfectly fine. A little scared, but nothing some cuddles and "snacktime" couldn't cure. Kathy, however, has a lovely baseball-sized bruise on her forearm. And we all had a hard time going to sleep last night, I'm sure.
We felt pretty stupid - but who would really think "Oh NO, high school baseball games?? WAY too dangerous for a baby!!" We'll stick to soccer and football for awhile, I think. Or at least hide behind the chainlink backstop for the. entire. game.
I've never been so glad to be using cloth diapers. And that God watches high school baseball games. And the people who attend them.

You Know You're a Mama When... + an actual post

You Know You're a Mama When... you look forward to your yearly *ahem* doctor's visit because you get to go a.l.o.n.e.

Look! Two weeks in a row! :)
~~
I've always been an avid reader. I was one of those kids who would check out 10 books, and be back a week later for 10 more. One of those kids who probably spent more time at the library than at the pool in the summertime (although if you could see my skin, you'd understand why staying out of the sun in the summertime is a Good Thing for me).

I haven't had many new books to read lately, and I'm starting to itch for some written words... And so, dear internet friends of mine, I would like to ask for your input.

Read any good books lately?

I like all kinds of things, but I'm particularly interested in finding some good books about parenting. I've looked up lots of different books online, but I'd love to know if any of you have specific recommendations. My brain needs to be challenged, folks. It's melting away into mommyhood. So hit me with your best shot - I've got parenting-type books in mind, but I'm dying to hear about ANY of the good books you may have read lately (or are still reading and are thoroughly enjoying).

Thanks!!

tribute

To everyone out there...
~ Who has sat up at night and held a child in her arms
~ Who has looked into the eyes of her child for the first time and realized how much love a heart can hold
~ Who has learned not to bat an eyelash when covered in all manner of bodily fluids... someone else's bodily fluids
~ Who struggles to take up the cross of motherhood daily, that her children might catch the smallest glimpse of Christ in her life
~ Who has prayed for the heart of her child, long before he or she was even born
~ Who has quivered just a bit at the responsibility of tending a child's heart
~ Who has kissed owies, wiped runny noses and soothed tears - all the while wishing she could bear the pain herself
~ Whose life is full of laundry, dishes, diapers and more...

And who wouldn't want it any other way.

Happy Mother's Day!
(okay, I know it's three days early, but we leave tomorrow for a visit with my family, and I wanted to get this post up there - for all the incredible moms I know in real life, and all the incredible moms I've "met" online - Happy Mother's Day!)

numbers

I like numbers. Here are a few that are representative of my life.

Last Friday, Hazel and I finished our first 5K (3.1 miles) in 44 minutes and 11 seconds. Not bad for an 11-week postpartum Mama pushing a 14 pound baby in a stroller/car seat combo that weighs about 34 pounds. We finished in 561st place out of 659 people.

Last night, between the hours of 1:31am and 3:24am I changed a crib sheet 1 time, changed the changing pad cover 2 times, fed my daughter 2 times, changed her pajamas 2 times and murmered silent prayers for sleep... oh, I lost count. (No, she's not sick. Just went to bed too early and decided to be awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night. Daddy took the shift for the last 45 minutes or so).

For the past 3 days I've gotten up early and done 3 sets of The Hundred (for anyone who knows/has experienced some pilates - this is an effective but rather deadly move. I have a love/hate relationship with it... but right now, the feelings I have toward my post-baby belly are triumphing over my disdain of The 100. And yes, The Hundred Must Be Capitalized). I've also done 3 sets of 15 reps of a standing side-bend with a 20-pound weight. Yesterday Hazel and I did 3 laps around our 1/2 mile "track" (our street loop). After Three Whole Days of such terrifically hard work - how is it that I don't see more progress? *wink* Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my virtues?

Yesterday I washed my every-other-day load of diapers - 10 prefolds and 8 pocket diapers, 22 cloth wipes and 3 hemp doublers. Today I will wash all the baby clothes that are soaked in spit up.

Gotta run - baby is awake after (finally) sleeping another almost-5 hours. Praise God!

new frontier

I'm thinking of starting something here on the blog - it may fall flat on its face, but hey - I like trying new things!
Every Tuesday (or every Tuesday that I'm around & remember to do this) - I'll be hosting "You Know You're a Mama When..." The past three months have been filled with so many of those moments (most of them pretty darn funny... at least, after the fact) that I thought it would be fun to share, and to hear from some of the other Mamas out there in bloggie-land.
Now, I don't have a pretty button for linkage purposes... and I have basically no html talents, so it may take me a little while to create something worthy. In the meantime, here's the first installment.

You Know You're a Mama When...
You're standing in the bathroom, blow-drying your shirt because you managed to leak through your nursing pad (again). And since you're going out in public that day, and you actually like the outfit you're wearing - you don't care that you'll spend the day walking around with dried breastmilk on your shirt, as long as it's not visible.
Not that this has ever been me. *cough*

Now it's your turn! Hit me with your best shot!

it ain't easy...

Since 1998, I have attended/worked at a university whose best-known cheer is: "Go GREEN! Go WHITE!" I've been "green" for almost a decade. I've owned t-shirts that claim I bleed green.
But I never really meant "green" in the sense of caring about the environment. As I mentioned a few weeks ago - I've never really been that environmentally aware (or even too concerned, I'm sorry to say...)
Until recently. I'm not sure what switched for me - but I'm suddenly "going green" right and left.
In the past week or so I have:
- switched about 18 light bulbs in the house from regular incandescent bulbs to CFL bulbs
- purchased and used the lovely reusable grocery bags available at Meijer
- bought 2 big Rubbermaid tubs to collect recyclables (they don't pick up recycling around here, so we have to transport it to the local recycling center)
- made three new household cleaners from recipes I've found here and here
- challenged myself to start using cloth rags to clean the house instead of paper towels
- planted vegetables in containers on my front porch (after a little research and deciding I couldn't do a "real" garden this year)
- joined a website called Natural Mommy in search of more tips
- decided I want to try some canning/preserving this summer, but I have NO IDEA where to start - that's a new project for me
I'll try to keep you updated on my adventures in the Land of the Environmentally Friendly - it feels really good (and most of the time - it saves money!) And I don't list all these things to brag about how great I am... on the contrary, it's because I need your help!! I can often get really excited about new things like this, and then just burn myself out because I'm too impatient to take one step at a time. I mean, isn't it more fun to try 17 new things at once??
So bloggie friends - keep me honest, ask how I'm doing, and if you have any great tips/insights/fun green things you like to do - please share!!

questions and answers

Maybe some of all you SAHMs out there can help me with this.
I've been "not working" for 3 months now. We're out of the "newborn" phase (although we have moved into a strange new land of random fussiness). I'm getting "the hang" of this Mama thing. (And apparently, I'm "loving" using quotation marks for emphasis).
The question I get a LOT these days goes something like this:

"So what else have you been up to?"
or
"Does it feel strange to not be working anymore?"
or
"How are you filling your days?"

Folks, I just don't know what to say at that point. There are hundreds of sassy responses that run through my mind - but I'm thinking that might not be the very best way to go, especially since it doesn't really offend me. And sassy responses generally give that impression.

On the other hand, everything polite sounds awfully lame. For the sake of whoever is asking the question, I feel as though I want to give a glamorous, interesting answer. To fulfill the fantasy that exists in their minds' eyes of "Staying At Home."
Plus, most people aren't consciously trying to insinuate anything or to make me feel small. They don't mean anything by it. Just that they don't really understand. I know I didn't really understand this job before I was living it every day.
It's not glamorous. It's not all that exciting. It's repetitive. It involves things like "chores" and "housework." At the end of the day, my accomplishment is this:
(note that the pile on the left is Mark's, the pile on the right is mine. I'm just saying...)

And this:I am not ashamed of the way I spend my days. It is slow and busy, small and huge, calm and rambunctious, quiet and noisy. But mostly, it's meaningful. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. Somehow, the time flies. And even though I don't have a great answer to all the questions, I know there is value in whatever it is I "do all day."

comfort

We were teasing my sister-in-law yesterday about being in a grumpy mood. You know the kind - where there is nothing that will make you feel better, no suggestion worth acting on, and a very good reason not to smile no matter what anyone says... the Just Let Me Stay Grumpy kind of mood. She was (ironically) a great sport about it - mostly because all of us doing the teasing fully admitted to practicing the same behavior at one point or another.
Well folks. Today my daughter is in that mood. Or at least - this afternoon. There is no comfort worth responding to - just fussiness. She's in her bed now, because "Mama Knows Best" (haha) - and what Mama knows is that Mama needs a break for a bit. And that Baby is probably quite tired and will benefit from a nice long nap.
Quite honestly, I'm never sure what to do when she gets like this. She squirms ferociously when you hold her, but screams when you put her down. She chews on your shoulder, but spits everything up when you feed her. Her eyes droop but she is inexplicably awake the second she hits the crib mattress. These are the moments when I grit my teeth and pray.
I wonder what God is thinking when He hears those prayers... because how often has that cranky baby been me? When God answers my plea, but I will have none of it. When I know I want something, but I don't know what it is, and nothing anyone offers is right.
How much time does He spend smiling down on me, waiting for me to figure out that what He's offering (what He's been offering) is exactly what I need? That I will feel immensely better as soon as I trust His wisdom and just give in to it?
I'm sure glad our Lord is perfect in His patience and unending grace. This Mama benefits from His example.

i am learning

Isn't bathtime fun? Hazel started out detesting bathtime, and has come a long way to a level of "Tolerate, Almost Enjoy." She is learning to accept and make the best of this fixture in her life.
I've now had almost 10 weeks of on-the-job Mama Training, and I too, am learning.
Learning when to let my baby cry herself back to sleep, and when to pick her up.
Learning that you really should (if at all possible) NEVER wake a sleeping baby.
I am learning about her personality, and that although she looks quite a bit like me & my side of the family - she bears a few of her daddy's character traits.
Learning that a two-hour nap for baby in the afternoon means crossing 12 things off Mama's to-do-list.
And one of the biggest lessons - I've learned that we're always learning. I'll never know everything, never do it all perfectly. And so, I'll try to take joy in the process of learning, and give myself a teeny pat on the back when I realize that I've mastered a lesson.

instead of PayPal...

Check this out - it's been floating around cyberspace for a little while now, but it's a cool alternative to PayPal, and a way to make some money for yourself! Not a bad deal - just click the link!

home again, home again

We are back.
This old news, as we've been back since Sunday evening.
I, however, have been swimming through suitcases, laundry & dishes, and enjoying the fact that I am sleeping in my own bed, changing my baby in her own room, and eating at my own table.
Thus, my blog has been neglected.
But here we are - and without one single picture of The Girl in her cute HOSA outfit. It turns out that taking a 2-month-old to her daddy's biggest conference of the year is not quite an easy-as-pie adventure. Overall, it went really really well - but I was a wee bit busy. She was the hit of the conference too - we couldn't walk more than 25 feet without someone stopping to say hi to her. Very fun.
And after interrupting her normal routine for a few nights - our girl is back, as of last night, to sleeping well again. She got 7.5 hours in the first stretch, and is still in her bed right now. Phew! She's been cranky the past few days from being SO. TIRED. Hopefully this will help, because the crankiness - oh my.
It's driven me to a few Mama moments in the past week that have gotten me thinking.
When I'm dealing with a cranky baby, mostly, I feel bad for the poor kid. She's tired, or gassy, or generally bothered by something - and all she can do is cry. And since she has no words, the best I can do is guess at what's bothering her. But I cannot make her sleep. I cannot always fix it. I know God must feel that way a lot of the time when He watches us, when He listens to our prayers and pleas.
But is there a teeny, tiny part of His brain that wishes we would just stop?? Does that little corner ever peep, "Remember what it was like before You made Adam?" Never to wish away His creations, but to remember with a smile The Days Before. To want a day, an hour or even a minute where He wasn't The One in Charge.
I don't know the answer to that question. Maybe He never feels that way. Which is totally awesome and impressive to me.
Or maybe He does. Which is still totally awesome and impressive because that means that in spite of us driving Him nutty sometimes, His arms are still always open, there is no I told you so... He is simply filled with compassion and grace.
I'm a little ashamed to admit that I do sometimes wish for release. Just for a moment, to not be the Mama. To be selfish and lazy and only have to worry about myself. But I'd never, ever wish her away. God is using motherhood to teach me more about me and more about Him than ever before. Sometimes, I think - more than I care to know. *wink*
And oh, the beautiful, sweet little package these lessons come in - she has stolen my heart.

500th post (plus 2)

Awhile back, I'd noticed that I was coming up on my 500th blog post. I thought I would do something interesting to commemorate the occasion.
I didn't.
So here's to my 502nd blog post! Wahoo!
I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2 month well-baby check-up today. I allowed the nurse to jam 2 needles into her beautiful, chubby thighs. It was sad. There were red faces. Screaming. Tears. And of course Hazel wasn't happy either. (I kid - she actually did great - screamed and cried, of course - what kid wouldn't?? - but came around quickly and has been a happy camper ever since. And although it made me sad to see her in pain - there were no Mama tears. We pulled through like champs. Whew!)
Tomorrow is another landmark - she and I are heading up to Traverse City (Mark left today) to help with the annual state-wide HOSA conference. (It's Mark's job. Go here for more info). It's his 9th state conference, and I've been at every single one. I love going - it's at a beautiful resort, I get a kick out of being on staff at busy events like this, and I get to see my hubby in action. And he is GREAT at his job.
This year, Hazel gets to come enjoy the show (and stay in a hotel room with her Mama)- so we're packing up the car and heading north tomorrow, along with a couple of friends who are also helping. It should be great!
See you when we get back!!

evidence of her obsession

Follow the line of her eyes. She is looking not at the fun dangly toy. Not at her mama with the camera. She's looking at the calendar on the wall. Goofy girl.
But she's our goofy girl, and we love her. She's getting SO BIG (the doctor's appointment tomorrow will tell us exactly how big). And last night, she slept for 7.5 hours straight!! Granted, she was a cranky little lady the whole day prior and didn't take more than a 30 minute nap the whole day... but I do like sleeping for multiple straight hours at night!

progress, we are a'makin'

Progress. It's a good thing.
Today:
14 thank-you notes have been mailed. There are still, oh, 27 or so left to go, but hey. It's better than before.
I cleaned out my dressers and put away (most of) my maternity clothes. You can pretty much see the floor in our bedroom again. And I'm not kidding when I say that for awhile there, it was not visible. Even a little bit.
I cleaned both bathrooms, did a load of laundry, ran the dishwasher & got dinner out of the freezer to thaw.
And Hazel is asleep in her crib.
Progress.
And last night was the second night out of the past four nights that she slept for 6 straight hours. For anyone that's still curious, here's the update on her sleeping:
Sometimes she'll fall asleep on her side or her back for a nap. Sometimes she'll sleep in her swing, pack & play or bouncy seat (but not for that long). At night, we warm up a spot for her with her heating pad, turn on the white noise machine, plug in the vaporizer and lay her down on her tummy. It made me a little nervous for awhile, but she's an incredibly light sleeper (so am I) and she has great head control. She's doing great, and we're *all* getting more rest.
Now I just need to find time to do the really important things... like painting my toenails (oh, they're in sad shape, my friends).

adventures in cloth diapering

Organic. Crunchy. Environmentally-friendly.
All words I'd heard before, understood, but never really thought they applied to me. And I still don't really think they do... not as a general rule.
But now, I fall into a category of Crunchy Moms - moms who cloth diaper their babies. (Or baby, as I only have one).
During pregnancy, I did all kinds of research. I talked to (or emailed) people who use cloth. I read a LOT online. I purchased a stash of both pocket diapers and prefolds & covers. I read about using cloth wipes. I bought some nice cloth wipes, and some cheapo washcloths to use (until I decided if I really liked them, then I'd buy more of the quality ones).
And then Hazel was born. Even at nine pounds, she swam in the cloth diapers. And to be perfectly honest - I was a bit overwhelmed with, you know, MOTHERHOOD, to be bothered with trying too hard. I told myself I'd give it a whirl again when she had grown a bit, and I felt a little more "at home" in my new role.
Up until last Wednesday (almost seven weeks) Hazel had only been in & out of cloth diapers occasionally. However - I am now excited to say that Hazel has been almost exclusively in cloth since Wednesday afternoon (I know - a whole five days... woo!!)
I LOVE IT.
She's got soft cotton wrapped around her sweet little bum. They're easy to clean (really!), easy to use. They work really well, even on big messes. And there is the depressing sight of your diaper stash shrinking quickly as the days go by, and knowing you need to buy more.
If I'm gonna be at home, she wears a prefold & a cover. At night & going out, it's the pocket diapers or a disposable (I still have a bunch left to use up).
It's kind of minor, but I'm proud of myself. Most people looked at me like I was crazy when they heard I wanted to mainly use cloth. But I really thought I'd like it, and I do. It's not hard for me, it's way cheaper, and it's chemical-free for my little girl. Win-win-win.
I'm a little surprised at this "crunchiness" that's popped up - natural childbirth, cloth diapers, planning to make my own baby food... but it works for us, and I really like it. We'll see how I do if/when I have two kids in diapers, though... :)

uninhibited

It sounds a little funny to say "there's a lot to be learned from a baby." I mean, it's not like they can pour out knowledge borne of their vast life experiences...
But when I watch my daughter smile so easily at such simple things - funny faces, interesting sounds, or just the face of someone she knows - I realize what a gift it is to learn from this little girl.
She is uninhibited - she is not worried that anyone will think she's a goofball for laughing at something a little stupid. She's not afraid to show her excitement at seeing someone she loves. She smiles easily.
It's a shame that as we get older, the "ease" tends to be less smiley and more cranky. We are easily frustrated. Easily discouraged. Easily hurt. I'd like to switch back and take a page out of my baby's book... to find an easy joy in the small, simple things.
I won't follow her uninhibited lead entirely though... I think routinely drooling on myself and filling my pants in public would be a turn off.
I'll stick to the easy laughter.

still around

It's been over a week since my last post, and there are a few reasons for that.
One is that it's hard to find time to type more than 3 sentences back to back... my darling daughter has a 6th sense for when I'm trying to get things done.
But the other (bigger) reason is that I can feel this blog changing. It is becoming a mama's blog. And I don't think that is a bad thing AT ALL - but it is new for me. Part of me doesn't want to become that person who can only think/talk about her kids. But truth be told - right now, Hazel is consuming. She and I are together pretty much 24/7, and my days are filled with her.
Filled with bathtimes. Diaper changes. Feeding. Burping. Laundry. Changing clothes (hers and mine both).
Part of me wants to apologize for the change. I know some of you may not find my "new" blog all that interesting.
The other part of me says "no apology is needed." This IS my life, and it is a gift from God. And I am thankful.
Things change. And my experience is that the toughtest changes, the ones that send us reeling... those are the ones that, when all is said and done, leave an impact I would never wish undone. So sure, sometimes I miss my job. Sometimes I miss my freedom. Sometimes I miss my paycheck. Sometimes I miss not feeling like the burpcloth is stapled to my shoulder.
But I cannot begin to fathom wishing away Hazel. And experiencing motherhood. Sharing parenthood with Mark. Watching people love my daughter. It's all so good.
So welcome. Welcome to my "new" blog.
(P.S. Please note that Hazel's arms are blurry in the second picture. Her changing pad is the happiest place ever for her (not because of the diaper changes, but because of the calendar on the wall above her head). We have no idea why, but she loves loves loves staring at that thing. And kicking her legs and wiggling her arms. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy that?)

look alike?

Mama

Hazel

playtime

there isn't much time!!

The bebe is asleep! So here's a quick update:
1. No picture of my hair will be posted until the large & angry blemish on my forehead disappears. Sorry, folks. (I thought maybe being a 27yo mama would mean that I don't need to deal with zits anymore... alas, I was mistaken)
2. The best sleep trick we've found so far is the heating pad (Thanks, Mary C.!) We are trying pretty much everything, with varying degrees of success. She's a stubborn soul, that daughter of mine.
3. Yesterday was the first day of spring. It's only fitting that today, we have a snow advisory for the next 48 hours or so.
4. Today, I will do my best to remember that everything (EVERYTHING) in my life - the good, the bad, the fun, the hard... all of it is a gift made possible only because of Christ's sacrifice. The blood He shed for me allows me to enjoy this life to the fullest, and more importantly - gives me a seat in eternity with the Father. Hallelujah! That is more important than any frustration I have, any things I might want, or any task I want to accomplish today. Today, I will remember God's love for the world.
Have a joyful Easter!!!

tummies, salons & lists, oh my!

It's probably a terrible thing to post this on my blog - full evidence of my treachery as a Mama - but here's my sweet little bean napping (on her belly!!) on the living room floor. She only stayed asleep for about a half hour or so, but it was so. cute.
We're making little bits of progress with the sleeping thing - she doesn't appear to like the wedge-side sleeping thing much, although I'll probably give it at least a couple more tries. She has, however, slept for at least 4.5 hours straight the past 2 nights in a row. Mama is absolutely in love with that new trend. Makes me feel like a new woman.
In other news, I cut my hair yesterday. Not too drastically - maybe 4 inches off - and I can still pull it back (so it's not completely Mom Hair). But it's much easier to do. Hazel came to the salon with me, and was a sleepy little angel in her carseat the whole time. She tricks everyone by being so well behaved when we're out - she saves all her fussiness for home. Which is good - I'd rather have it that way than not be able to take her anywhere.
Also, I have a daunting pile of thank-you notes that must be attacked. I was telling myself that I was OK waiting because I didn't have the cute little pictures of Hazel to put in each one yet, so I couldn't mail them anyway, so what's the rush? Well... I'm expecting the pictures I ordered to turn up any day now, and I've officially written ONE thank you. I have some work to do.
If only I could find a way to stop snuggling my daughter... or maybe it's okay to let the laundry, dishes and thank-you notes wait just a little bit longer while I soak up the moment.

open to suggestions

Here's the deal:
My beautiful, precious baby daughter, light of my life, apple of my eye... absolutely detests sleeping on her back. She falls asleep like a champ curled up on your chest or snuggled in your arms, but within minutes of laying her down on her back (in the crib, in the pack & play, on the Boppy, on the floor... doesn't matter), she's awake and unhappy. I am afraid that we have a tummy sleeper on our hands. And since every doctor and website out there pretty much tells you that you're a bad parent if you put your baby to sleep on his/her tummy, and scares you with statistics about SIDS - I'm at a bit of a loss.
Now - we've tried swaddling, tried laying her down slowly and not taking your hands away for awhile, tried letting her cry a little to see if she goes back to sleep... nada.
I have no idea how many mamas and daddies read this blog, but I'm ready (begging) for any suggestions - because I'd love to be able to sleep in my own bed again. Instead of in the bed in my daughter's room. With my daughter.
Any good ideas for a sleepy mama?

ways my new job is different from my old job

10. There is no "start" or "end" to the workday - the bonus is that I don't have to worry about being late. The downside - going home doesn't mean I'm leaving work.

9. College students rarely cried and screamed at me. Hazel does this daily.

8. Academic advising did not require that I be responsible for anyone else's bodily functions.

7. If I feel like it, I can wear my pajamas all day now. Bye-bye, "casual Friday!"

6. I always used to want a couch in my office. Now - the couch IS my office, being that it's where I normally feed my daughter.

5. Instead of being accountable to a couple hundred young adults, I now answer to one very small little lady. It's not easier.

4. I can take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to. (theoretically).

3. It is now OK if I don't get around to brushing my teeth until 11:00 am.

2. My new job requires me to do many things with only one hand. I was always allowed to use both hands before...

1. I get to spend all day with a beautiful little girl - her wiggles and smiles bring me incredible joy. And while she's not yet a great conversationalist... she is phenomenal company.

to know your mind

On Saturday, my baby girl will be one month old. I turned 27 in October. A little bit of difference there. But it’s incredible to me how much of ourselves we are born with – how much of us God has knit together in a specific way prior to our births. Because let me tell you – this gal knows her mind.

She loves to snuggle and be held.

She hates sleeping on her back.

Diaper changes are OK as long as she can look at the calendar on the wall.

She can tell within minutes that she’s in her crib – and she doesn’t like it!

She loves light, and looking out windows.

She’s a good traveler.

She loves to make funny faces.

Turning down food? Never.

She doesn’t like being buckled into her carseat.

She likes going for walks around the neighborhood.

When she’s mad, she’s mad. But she reserves the right to change her mind (and mood) instantly.

I could keep going… but the point is really that God didn’t give us a shell of a person. Our job is not to make her into a “successful” or “happy” or “good” person. What He gave us is already whole. Hazel was shaped and knit together by a Creator who knows her better than we ever will. His plans for her are intricately woven – and they are perfect. We get to watch – to love her, protect her, cherish her and encourage her, and hopefully – lead her to know her God and Savior – the One who made her. And the relationship that she will one day know with Him… that will be what makes her complete.

It’s cool to see that in my daughter, and also cool to realize that even though I’m an adult now (eek!) – the same still applies to me. No one makes me who I am – it all boils down to me, as the person God made me from the beginning, and God. And the fact that my daughter will be watching... that just brings it all home.

hazel face

bone deep

I feel it.
Way down in my bones.
I think it's gotten into the marrow.
I'm tired.
I knew I would be. I've watched many good friends and family members go through the "newborn" stage. I was under no delusion that it would be easy.
But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard.
It's been three weeks since I've slept for more than 2.5 hours at a time. I don't even know what it would feel like to get more than that. And honestly - I probably wouldn't sleep much longer since I would wake myself up and listen for my girl.
We have great support. My family has been incredible, and our friends are loving us well. And I can draw strength from a God who is much bigger than I, whose power is perfect in all my weakness.
And He gives me moments to keep me going throughout the day. Fussy afternoons are sprinkled with quiet moments of nursing. Sleepless nights are peppered with the preciousness of a warm baby resting on my chest.
And I am learning.
Learning how much sleep I really need in order to function. Learning that showers are a luxury, not a given. Learning how to change diapers without turning on any lights.
And I'm learning what it really means to know that "it's not all about me."
And so, I welcome the sleepless nights. God has given us a child of His to care for - and I want to rise up to the challenges of that task. Not just because He loves her. But because He loves us, and is teaching me so much through this experience. His plans for us are big, beyond my comprehension. And they are perfect.
Part of becoming the woman God has in mind for me to become is being a mother to Hazel. That fact stops me in my tracks. It's so awesome.
I don't know that this post really has a point - it's a bit rambly. But I'm sleep-deprived, and for what it's worth, it's the genuine outpouring of my heart at this moment in time.

hello gorgeous

Hazel's Story

drumroll please...
(be careful... this is LONG)

Hazel’s Story

It had been a week since Funny Dr. Man had told me I’d “have the baby in the next few days.” As many of you know from reading the blog – I was getting more & more excited to meet our baby, and more & more weary of people asking “any baby yet?” and “where’s the baby?” As if I had something to do with the timing of our little one’s arrival. (And for the record, we tried pretty much everything that’s supposed to “jump start” labor – except the castor oil. The side effects of that one were enough to keep me away…)

The morning of Friday the 15^th, I woke up feeling completely normal, which was disappointing, given that I’d felt a lot of downward pressure the night before, and was hoping those would amount to something. It seemed like just another day – Mark went to work, I got up & showered. It was a little after 8:00am and I was just sitting down to the computer to figure out a new & unique way to announce to my bloggie world that there was still no Little B when my contractions started.

I’d had contractions off and on all week long – never intense or regular, but enough to be noticed. This one was different. It was tighter and much more crampy-feeling than the others. I made a mental note of the time, then kept putzing around – although I (happily) delayed writing the blog post for the day.

By 9:00am I’d had 5 regular contractions – and I decided it was time to call Mark. His office is only about 7 miles away, so there was no big rush – but I figured it was fair to warn him that he may be on his way to becoming a daddy. (Plus Funny Dr. Man had warned against waiting around the house too long once the contractions began to be regular). Mark had had a big conference the day before (we were happy no baby decided to come while he was 2.5 hours away!), so he was still unloading all the conference materials from his car when I called.

K: Hey – I think you made need to come home sometime today… I’ve had 5 contractions in the last 45 minutes. I think things may be getting started.
M: Ok – I’m still unloading the car. I’ll finish up here, and give you a call back to see how you’re doing. Is that okay?
K: Sure.

(ten minutes later)
K: (answering the phone in the middle of a contraction) Come home.
M: I’m on my way.
K: Okay.

Three words… that was all I could get out at the time, laying face down on our bed. (It’s funny that at that point, I thought the contractions took some focus to get through…)

Mark got home, we gathered our bags, put the car seat in the car, and headed out the door. On the way, I asked Mark to call my doctor’s office to cancel my appointment for that morning, and let them know that we’d be going to the hospital to have a baby instead. He asked who was on call – and Cool Dr. Lady (my favorite!) turned out to be the one on for the whole weekend. I was thrilled, and Mark was thrilled for me. We got to the hospital a bit after 10:00am, and were checked into a triage room by 10:30.

Our nurse Aimee was the first person to get us settled in – she hooked me up to the monitors and let me know a doctor would be in to check my progress soon. A few minutes and a quick exam later revealed that I was 100% effaced and 7cm dilated. The doctor was pretty surprised – he said that I “looked like I was in labor, but I was handling things so well that he figured I was only at 3 or 4 cm.” I took that as a compliment, and was happy to hear that he thought I was in excellent position to deliver this baby naturally.

We’d taken a natural childbirth class through the local birth center in preparation for our little one’s arrival, but still opted to have the baby at the hospital (first time jitters). I knew that I didn’t want drugs, I didn’t want to have an IV, and I didn’t want to be hooked up to fetal monitors more than was absolutely necessary. I wanted freedom to move, walk, and basically do what I needed to do to get through labor. The hospital staff was really accommodating – they placed a hep lock in my arm (in case I needed an IV quickly) and told me they’d take the monitors off as soon as the baby settled into a heart rhythm they were comfortable with. (They wanted to see her heartbeat peak with each contraction, and in the beginning, it would dip just a tiny bit). I was moved to a labor & delivery room… and the game was truly on.

After about an hour, baby’s heartbeat evened out and they took me off the monitor (which was great – I’d been pacing a 5ft diameter circle, and was happy to have more mobility). It seemed that each time they checked me, I was making good progress – 7.5 cm (11:30), 8cm (12:30), 9cm (1:30)… and Mark was great. For the most part, he left me to be “in the zone” but was ready to do anything I needed. By 2:00 I was almost completely dilated, except for a little lip on the right side. My doctor was called in to the hospital, and once she checked me out, she decided it would be a good idea to break my water and move things along. (I tell you what – that warm gush is a weird feeling…) The contractions had been pretty intense for awhile – I felt nauseous and dizzy when they came, but they were manageable as long as I was upright and focused. Of course, breaking the water ramped things up another notch, and I spent the last hour before pushing lying on my right side on the bed (the nurse said it may help with getting the last bit of cervix out of the way). I pulled a page out of the Bradley method book, and focused all my energy on relaxing every part of my body so that the contractions could be totally effective. I breathed slowly, kept my eyes closed, and didn’t say a word. Mark kept a cool washcloth on my neck and forehead, and ran his fingers through my hair. It was incredible to feel his silent, strong support.

By a little after 3:00 I was ready to push – and a whole crew piled into the room (Cool Dr. Lady, Nurse Aimee, Nursing Student Bridget, OB Resident Gal, and Med Student Gal) to get things rolling. I’d met them all throughout the day – and my absolute only complaint was that the 2 students were a little intrusive in their desire to be helpful. Other than that – the staff was fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Initially, pushing was tiring and a little embarrassing (hanging out with your legs in the air and your rear end on display to a room full of people) – and it was a funny mix of Feeling Good to be Doing Something Other Than Surviving Contractions and Oh My This Hurts a Lot. However – once the baby’s head was getting closer to crowning – the embarrassment factor totally disappeared, and my whole mind was consumed with pushing her out. The minutes and pushes while she was crowning were more intense than anything I’d experienced before. But the feeling I got the moment her head was out was absolutely incredible. Relief. Awe. Accomplishment. The rest of her (not so) little body was a piece of cake, and suddenly there was a warm, wet little person laying on my chest. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. (I might not quite say that now, after 2 weeks *smile*).

Hazel joined us at 3:53pm on February 15, 2008. She weighed 9 pounds 1 ounce and was 23 inches long. God was so faithful to us – His strength got me through delivery naturally, and I was able to bring our daughter into the world with no medication or intervention (other than breaking my water). He kept us both healthy and safe – and He continues to do so.

The past two weeks have been full – full of people loving on her and on us, full of joy, full of moments where I think “Am I really this blessed?”, full of growth, full of frustrations, triumphs, tears, and victories. My head and my heart are still reeling, and my emotions still overcome me from time to time. And though Life With My Husband AND My Daughter is incredibly different from Life With My Husband – it’s a good different. We are so blessed.