new world

I have a daughter.

How old is she, you ask?

She's ONE!!

Happy (late) Birthday, darling baby girl. You have grown my heart, my character and my love so abundantly this year. So many smiles, so many tears, so many heart-swelling moments have passed between us. I adore your face, your sweet smile, the way your eyes sparkle and the fact that whenever confronted with anything or anyone new, you frown.

It has been such a treat to watch you grow and change this year, Hazel Maryn. I am thrilled to be the woman chosen to be your mama - to get to watch your life unfold. God has big, beautiful plans for you, and I pray that you will learn to lean on Him and follow His path. I'm still working on that myself, but I will do my very best to show you how to seek Him, how to fall on His grace, and that no matter what - no matter what - He is good.

Here's to a heckuva year, little Hazelnut. Happy Birthday!

Most Improved Mama

Now I don't really know about the title Most Improved Mama - or who exactly I'd be compared to in order to earn said title - but lately, I'm noticing small areas of improvement in my Mama-ing skills.

Mark tries to tell me I was "born to do this" and that I'm a "natural." Ha. I'm naturally flawed and born to screw something up every single day... it's so much harder than I thought it would be. To know what to do, to wonder how to handle discipline of a child who cannot even speak yet, to get to the point of frustration where I just want to scream, to feel so small and insignificant in my little world of Stay-At-Home...

And yet, I see myself making progress.

The days when Mark is out of town are always hard. Normally - I look very forward to 4:30ish when he comes home - the parenting load can be split into two pieces. On the Daddy-Travel-Days... no such thing. By bedtime - both Hazel and I are in need of a break from each other. But it used to be so much harder. Maybe I'm more relaxed, maybe I'm better at finding little joys, maybe Hazel is more interactive and playful and that makes things easier... I'm sure it's some combo of these things.

But I do like that although we both miss Daddy VERY MUCH while he is gone... I do not dread the days I am alone with BabyNut.

Makes me feel like a Most Improved Mama.

Also gives me an inkling that I just *might* be able to handle being Mama of Two Under Two. (and since there's no turning back, that's a good thing!)

To close - some pictures of my precious, funny baby daughter - who will join the ranks of Those Who Have Turned ONE on Sunday. Behold:

The First Pigtails!









Smiley Faces










Happy Little SuperScooter!

it may be strange, but I love it

I had my 13-week appointment with my midwife today. (Sidenote: I pretty much love her. She works out of my doctors' office and is basically incredibly cool and friendly and really good at the whole bedside-manner thing. Something many of my doctors were NOT so good at).

I did the whole Step on the Scale, Pee in the Cup, Take the Blood Pressure, Any Questions? Thing and was waiting for Midwife to arrive to commence the actual appointment. I could hear through the wall what was going on in the next exam room... the voices were muffled, but there was no mistaking the sounds. The slow, rhythmic whoosh - whoosh - whoosh of the Doppler Thingymawhatsit, followed by rapid-fire whooshwhooshwhooshwhoosh of unborn baby's heart beating in its mama's belly.

And I just sat there, silently soaking in the beautiful sound of another woman's unborn baby's heartbeat.

I love that sound. Obviously, I love it a lot, and with a fairly personal reason when it's my own child... but there is such hope, such life in that joyful noise... it calms my spirit.

Now this morning, I did not get to hear my own child's heartbeat (Baby was a little too busy to be bothered with holding still for Midwife) - so I got a surprise treat and got to SEE Baby's heartbeat (and waving arms and kicky legs and perfect little face) instead.

And I've been floating on that all day.

It may be weird - but I love that office. I know that there are heartbreaking stories that unfold in those rooms (and I cried my own heartbroken tears there about two years ago now) - but that doesn't change for me the fact there is an undeniable and beautiful hope of life there. Pregnant women are constantly in and around the hallways - excited, nervous, exhausted - pictures of babies adorn the walls and the halls echo with the Doppler Thingymawhatsit's evidence of new life.

It's good for my soul.

what a difference a day makes

Tuesday night, Hazel was awake from 2:00am until 4:00am... and not just awake - screaming/crying/shrieking awake. And since we're still working on her learning how to fall asleep on her own (without a mama-milk date and without being rocked in the big, squashy blue chair)... those two hours were mostly full of Mark and I laying in bed, trying to not feel hideous and neglectful as our baby daughter sobbed in the next room (in between going in to check on her and reassure her that it's OK to fall asleep, which pretty much always only makes her cry harder).

Last night, I nursed Hazel as part of the usual bedtime routine (nap, pjs, nursing, storytime) and then again before I went to bed. The second nursing session terrified me to my very core because it involved entering her room, picking her up out of her crib and feeding her... and trying to do all that without really waking her up, and hoping that she'd fall straight back to sleep afterward. Our sleep battles have been so intense this last year - it's just so hard for me to touch a sleeping Hazel.

Praise God - I don't think she actually woke up at all, even though she nursed - she went straight back to bed without a peep, and then proceeded to sleep the entire rest of the night. And I was in bed so early that I was able to get up early, shower and spend some time in the Word BEFORE she woke up at 6:30. She got 11.5 hours of sleep, I got almost 8, and today has been a lovely day.

I don't know if it's too much to hope for a repeat, or for the installation of a new trend here... but my heart is a little lighter, knowing that there's some hope.


No matter what - this kid makes me laugh out loud every single day and she can't even talk yet! Sleepytime may be rough, but mamahood has some serious perks. I'll roll with the bad days and know that there's always tomorrow!

funny little contradictions

Opposites attract... so "they" say.

I'm not sure if I agree, or if I am more inclined to notice the white when it's set against something black... if the dark is shadowier because of the bright lights that are shining nearby.

This week has been full of small moments playing host to large contradictions. (While that sentence seems really cool when I read it, I'm sure it makes very little actual sense). Allow me to explain:

I have felt a bit used up, empty and dried out - Michigan winters coupled with endless household tasks can do that to a gal. The next thing I know, I'm feeling so very full of precarious emotion that it takes actual physical energy to keep myself in check (I'm sure some of this is hormone-related, but that doesn't mean my volatility is any less real). I could barely sing along with the worship team this morning at church because I just wanted to sit down and bawl.

Hazel's been a bit trying lately - we're still battling sleep issues (shocker!!) - the past two nights have been downright putrid, and her naps have been, if anything, worse than that. I felt like we were making such progress, and then to struggle so hard just to get her poor little worn-out self to get the rest it needs... it's disheartening. But this week has also been sprinkled with wonderful, God-graced times of laughter and sheer joy that I get to be her Mama... she is so smart and funny - growing and learning and displaying her spunky little personality. I just love watching her grow and change.

I don't think I could really describe this past week holistically... it's been ridiculously hard and wonderfully relaxing, a little monotonous and vigorously emotional, frustrating to the point of groaning out loud and so uplifting it makes me want to dance.

Really, I don't think these opposites are attracting each other - but I can find some joy and wisdom in their stark contrast.

I will walk through valleys and under clouds, knowing that there are still waters and rays of sunshine waiting for me.

I don't need to force myself to appear strong and together and happy all the time - but I do need to set my heart on the joy of the everlasting each morning.

Sometimes my days feel like a mini-war-zone... but I can guard my mind with the peace of God.

So here's to another week of funny little contradictions.

it's 7:25 in the evening and my eyelids, they are a-droopin'

Such is the unending glamour of my life.

My baby decided this week that 7:00pm would be her new bedtime (as opposed to 8:00pm), and to make up for it, she would enact an afternoon nap embargo.

I appreciate her ability to make independent decisions and stick to her guns, but I do wish I'd been consulted in the process. Being that, you know - she can't actually feed or bathe or dress herself, or put herself to bed. What she CAN do is sit in the middle of the living room floor and cry because she's so gall-dern-stinking tired that there's nothing else to be done but weep.

The plus side is that most nights, she tacks together 12+ hours of sleep (usually with one mama-milk-date in the middle, which I'm trying to weasel my way out of) - so at least she's not all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 5:00am or some such nonsense.

The earlier bedtime also cuts into my fiery nightlife... okay, that's not true at all. It has had no impact on my nightlife because I have none. I pretty much don't leave the house after 3:00pm. Really - it makes me want to go to bed at 8:15 because my survival instinct kicks in and my body starts warning me that if I don't sleep soon I might not get to sleep at all - because the baby, it wakes up!! So now I'm that mama that's tucked under her flannel comforter by 9:30pm AT THE LATEST every night.

You may turn green with envy.

On the other hand, it's not such a bad thing to be getting the extra rest these days, because - oh yeah - I'm growing a new person!! We're totally blessed and thrilled to be expecting Bebe #2's arrival in mid-August (puts me at almost 12 weeks preggers right now). There's a lot to get done to prep for becoming a 4-person-family in the next 6 months, but for now...
I must truck my lazy behind upstairs to soothe the cranky baby (who just went to bed 25 minutes ago and is now awake and crying for unknown reasons).

Have a lovely evening.

nothing's easy

Mark and I have, over our almost-10-year-journey as a couple, developed a few key catchphrases - usually words of profound and life-changing wisdom that can apply to virtually any situation.

Things like:

Sometimes... it's not about you. (most of the time, in fact)

No one will like you any less. (a good way to try to get your wife to try something new that she's afraid will make her look like a profound idiot).

It's not supposed to be easy.

This last phrase is the one that has seemed to surface in my mind the most in the last year or so... and not because my life has been monumentally difficult. We have suffered no major losses - we have a lovely, warm home - Mark has a great job that provides more than we need - we have a gorgeous, healthy baby daughter who is quickly growing up out of babyhood and into toddlerhood... the blessings in our lives are abundant and obvious.

But day to day, I find myself in small situations that just never seem to be easy. Naptime is always a bit of a struggle. Laundry regenerates itself daily. Sickness knocks the house down for a few days. Basements flood. Oh - and the one that is positively driving me batty right now - our house is a hotbed of static electricity. Seriously - EVERYTHING in this ever-lovin' house will zap you to kingdom come if you're wearing wooly socks (or wooly anything, for that matter).

Even though things aren't easy in my everyday life... things are GOOD. There are simple pleasures and deep joys to be found lurking under the not-easy roadblocks in my day. Today, I strive to remember that life as a stay-at-home mama may not be easy... but it is good. And in the end, I will choose goodness every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

from under the fog

Thursday brought an unexpected visitor to our house.

A very nasty visitor.

A vicious, 36-hour stomach flu bug.

Ugh.

I fell victim first - and I'll spare you the details, but let's just say things were vicious enough to make me drop 4 pounds in one day. (Don't worry, I'm eating again and it'll all be back in no time).

Mark left for Traverse City (for work) yesterday morning, and fell victim yesterday afternoon (quite the unfortunate timing).

So far (knocking VERY HARD on every wood surface I can find) BabyNut is just fine. She's happy and growing and being her regular silly and strong-willed self. Love it.

So we have emerged from under the fog of flu - and it's much nicer on this side of things. I feel rested and back to normal, and am hoping for a relaxing and fun Saturday with my girl (and praying for quick healing for hubby as he's away and working).

Just be on the lookout - it comes out of nowhere and will knock down anyone in its path.

up to my eyeballs

Sounds dramatic, right?
Really, the only thing I'm up to my eyeballs in right now is laundry. Heaping, growing, mounding, regenerating piles of laundry of every sort. Colors, darks, whites, washed, unwashed, folded, unfolded, towels, baby clothes... It's encroaching on my space and creeping across the floor.
Good thing I'm not prone to over-dramatizing.
In real news...

Today I enjoyed simple company of a good friend and her little guy, and the sweet companionship of my little lady. Sparkly smiles, bubbly belly laughs, and sweetly kissable cheeks made the insurmountable peaks of laundry less intimidating. Or at least, less important.

My sweet, kissable baby scratched my actual eyeball today - so I look like some kind of scary sea-monster with one all-seeing, bulging red eye and one normal, mascara-ed blue eye.

I am typing this post on my new, shiny green laptop... it's speedy and light and refurbished (meaning cheaper and recycled!) and I love it. My old computer was... well, old. 5 years, I think - which is pretty much Social Security age in computer-years.

Tomorrow we'll head to the grocery store... we were supposed to do that Tuesday. Sometimes things slip down the list. Whatever. No one here is starving. Yet.

sleeping update

Since y'all are so curious about my daughter's new sleep habits - here's the scoop.

In the past 7 months or so, I've read probably a half dozen different baby-sleep books. I tried different things, sometimes combining techniques, sometimes throwing them out altogether because I knew it wouldn't work with my parenting style and personality (or my kid's personality).

A few months back, I read The SleepEasy Solution - and I liked it, but didn't really put it into practice fully. At that point, I had found that I could nurse Hazel to sleep for naps and bedtime, and nurse her back to sleep pretty quickly when she woke up - and fighting a sleep-training battle just didn't appeal. I was finally getting decent sleep (albeit interrupted sleep) and I was relatively happy.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago - an exhausted mama sees no end in sight to the nursing "solution" - and Hazel stopped letting herself be nursed to sleep at naptime (nights still worked fine). But a non-napping baby is NOT good company. And since she's usually my only company during the day, something had to give.

So last week (officially, January 14th) we committed ourselves to following the steps laid out in SleepEasy for two solid weeks - and we were gonna do it for real. No wimping out, no adjustments. And aside from one night when we were traveling home from visiting family and threw off the schedule completely - she's been doing GREAT. I'm putting her to bed awake, and she fusses for a little, then is typically asleep in less than five minutes. She has a nap schedule (which she pretty much never had before) and a nice, regular bedtime routine.

The one really funny thing - she now starts to cry when you read her GoodNight Moon because that's usually the last book before we put her to bed. She knows what's coming...

At any rate - we're happy to have a baby that's sleeping well, sleeping on her own - and last night was the second time in the past three nights that she slept 11 straight hours without getting me out of bed. What a blessing!!

success!

At least - so far.

Hazel is now 11 months old. Some of you know that we've struggled with sleep (both nighttime and naptime) for most of her fabulous little life - whether it was sleeping on her back or her belly, or sleeping in her own bed, or screaming when she was laid down, or whatever... it's been a battle. The kid does not sleep easily.

Given that it's been roughly 7 months since she slept decently at night, I decided about a week ago that we needed to implement some kind of plan or program to try to get our little Nut sleeping through the night, and going to bed at bedtime and naptime without me nursing her to sleep. (She was nursing to sleep every time she went to bed, skipping one nap almost every day, and waking up 2-4 times a night to nurse.)

Last night (the third night of Operation Sleepy Nut) - she fell asleep after crying for about 3 minutes (HUGE improvement) and stayed asleep for 11 straight hours. (Not totally true - she woke up around 10:30, gave 2 little squawks and went straight back to sleep - I didn't even get out of bed). She is currently napping, after fussing for only a couple of minutes (another HUGE improvement) and will likely take a nice afternoon nap as well.

I cannot explain what a difference this has made the past few days. She is nowhere near as cranky - I have time during the day when the house is quiet and "empty" and - most important - I am no longer dreading the naptime/nighttime battle of screaming and tears.

I know we could relapse, and I don't want to jinx anything - but so far, she's done great and Mark and I are so encouraged by the progress... keep it up, little one!!

mama blessings

My daughter is asleep for the second time today. Two Whole Naps.

The sun is shining in my front window - and if I close my eyes, I can pretend it's not nine degrees outside and just bask in warm toasty sunlight.

I got to catch up with a dear friend today - she has a precious baby boy, Noah, who is just over a month old - it was so good to chat with her and hear about her life (for an hour!!). The joy in her voice is so evident - it was a wonderful reminder of how delightful mamahood really can be when you sit back and soak in it.

I had another fun phone conversation with a friend - unfortunately, she was having a rough day with her little guy (nothing a few brownies shouldn't be able to fix...) but it was also so reassuring that when one friend has a rough day, another has a good one - and you can buoy each other up while still totally being able to empathize. Just the other day things were flip-flopped. I like that we can call, chat for a few minute, laugh, and that I feel better when I hang up the phone. Thanks, Kim.

I had a great lunch out (with Hazel) with my friend Shannon - sharing mommy moments and work woes and laughing together. It was great to get out of the house, into the icy frozen tundra wasteland of mid-Michigan and eat a good meal with a great friend.

My husband is playing tennis with a friend right now - so he's about as happy of a clam as he could possibly be... and that makes me happy too.

I detoxed all my diapers yesterday (they were starting to having a lingering funkadelic smell even though I knew they were clean) - and now they are sparkly and fresh and begging to be used.

I got to shower and have some quiet Bible time this morning BEFORE Hazel woke up - that is virtually unprecedented... and it made my day. Starting off the day listening to the Lord, quietly soaking Him up... I could tell that it filled my cup that much more - so that all these other wonderful, unexpected blessings that have been brightening my day... they are making my cup overflow.

It's a good day to be me.

don't ask me

Hazel likes to help me with the laundry. And by help, I mean that she likes to pull dirty laundry out of the basket, pull fresh-from-the-dryer laundry out of the basket, and (best of all) uproot piles of clean, folded laundry and (you got it) pull them out of the basket.

This morning she was helping me fold her diapers (by pulling cloth wipes out of the basket) - and she's helped me like this for weeks (months?) now, so it's not a new pasttime. However, today she decided that everything she pulled out of the basket needed to be placed on top of her head. I don't know why (she wasn't exactly forthcoming with her reasoning). We don't usually play with laundry that way.

The best I can figure, she was playing "Where's Hazel?" by trying to cover herself up... but it was so stinking cute. I love watching her figure out her own games and silly things to do, and wondering to myself "Where on earth did she get that idea??"

what did you do this morning?

I spent 2 hours trying to get my baby to take a nap.

No one tells you about these parts of parenting. When you're pregnant, people can't stop saying silly things like "Your life will never be the same." No kidding. Even someone who has NO IDEA what they're in for with parenthood knows that life after a baby must look at least a wee bit different.

But no one tells you that you'll spend hours trying to get your very sleepy baby to actually sleep - no one tells you how often very sleepy babies refuse to sleep for unknowable reasons. No one tells you that there will be days when your Big Agenda (which consists of going to Two! Whole! Stores!) may be put on hold or even nixed because of a devilish little thing called naptime.

Really, it's probably good that no one tells you that. I'd never have wanted to hear that while I was pregnant, plus I most likely would have thought "That won't be me!" No, it's better to hold onto the sweet ignorance.

But the biggest bummer about not knowing is how alone you feel when it happens. You feel like a joke of a parent, completely unfit and incompetent... until you realize that it's happened to everyone. Every parent has those days, and every parent has felt alone and incapable of completing the "simple" tasks put before them.

I guess I wouldn't have wanted to know the true, harsh reality before my sweet little Hazelnut was born... but it's a shame that it takes that much longer to realize you aren't alone.

Plans for the afternoon: Let baby sleep as long as possible... then try to go to the Two! Whole! Stores! that were on my morning agenda.

back in the saddle

I've gotten lazy the past few weeks.

Between Mark being on vacation and spending time at my parents' house - I've had an unprecedented amount of help with diapers and baby-entertaining... I've been able to relax a little, and able to spend some time getting other things done without multi-tasking too much.

But we're back in the saddle, Daddy's back at work, and I'm realizing that it's time to get my sad little rear end into high gear (or at least mid-gear). Meal-planning, laundry, dishes and grocery shopping... naptimes, diapers, organizing... lots to be done.

But there's no sense in rushing the transition, right? So today, Hazel and I will start out slow with an easy dinner, a little laundry, and a date with some good friends of ours. Grocery shopping can wait until tomorrow, I say.

I have a few New Year's Resolutions/Goals/Notions that I'd like to share, but they're still tumbling around in my brain a little bit, so I'm gonna let them percolate and I'll spill them soon.

Happy Monday!

itchy and scratchy

Well, it appears that y'all cannot wait to hear about the hives my baby decided to get last week, so I'll indulge you with the whole, fabulous story. It's a doozie. (Warning: this story will probably only be even mildly interesting to other mamas - so don't feel compelled to read any further if you don't really want a dull story about my kid's skin).

Hazel, Mark and I went to my parents' house on Friday (the day after Christmas). My brother and sister-in-law joined us on Saturday and we had a lovely family Christmas celebration together. Mark headed home on Sunday, but Hazel and I had planned to stay until Wednesday (sounds like she and I sat down together and talked about it).

My dad has magical, boring, put-baby-to-sleep arms - so he does a lot of the putting-the-nut-down-for-naptime when we visit, because she hardly cries at all and it gives me a bit of a break. She was snuggled in for a nap on Sunday afternoon when she woke up a bit prematurely - and very sweaty (and unhappy about it). She'd been wearing a cute little fleecey outfit and had a heavier than normal blanket on, so it wasn't weird or anything... but I was trying to cool her off and make her feel better when I noticed a couple of hives on her face (on the side where she had been sleeping). Closer inspection revealed hives on her arms and shoulders... angry, warm, red itchy bumps. Poor baby. I did what any good mama would do... I got on Google and tried to figure out if I should be worried or not! (The answer is no - not unless your baby/child is having trouble breathing as well).

A dose of Tylenol quickly cleared them up, and she went back to being her usual happy self... but for the rest of our time at Nana & Papa's house, they'd flare back up again... usually when she'd been sleeping. We're still not really sure what was causing them - we ruled out food allergies, although there's a chance she's developed some kind of sensitivity to my sister's cat (which would be terribly sad, since he's awfully cute and doesn't like being cooped up away from people). Really - (according to Wise Old Google) most of the time no one knows why kids get hives. It could have just been a virus and hives were the only symptom, and they flared up when she was warm/sleepy. The baby Tylenol kept clearing them up, and she usually didn't seem too bothered by them (except at nighttime when they kept her - and me, by extension - from sleeping very well).

She hasn't had any since Wednesday, and I've been getting great joy out of looking at her beautiful, smooth, hive-free baby skin since then.

Thanks for reading - I'll come up with another doozie of a story about my life soon! :)

Hello 2009!

If anyone is still out there, habitually checking my lonely little blog - hello!!!

The holidays were a whirlwind - snow & ice, family, traveling, cups of hot cocoa, flood in the basement, building gingerbread "structures," hubby on vacation, hives on the baby, presents, sparkly lights, some crowded crazy moments and some quiet, peaceful ones.

I rang in 2009 by putting my baby to sleep and promptly following - I stayed up until a whopping 10:30pm. This mama is one tired cookie these days.

But life is adjusting back to its normal patterns - the Christmas decorations have been put away and the house is in its standard state of mild disarray. Ah, familiarity.

At any rate - I'm hoping to be back to my regularly scheduled programming, leaving wonderful tidbits of deep and delightful thoughts for you to ponder every couple of days.

How were your holidays??

spirit

I love Christmas. Always have.

I love Christmas carols and twinkly lights and roaring fires and snuggling under blankets and snowflakes and church on Christmas Eve... I love the joy and wonder and togetherness that threads its way into our lives for a few weeks every winter.

This year, I've had a hard time feeling like it's Christmastime - which was pestering me for awhile... until I realized what a silly and frivolous concern that was. I didn't feel Christmasy because my "previous life" always involved some sort of buildup and hiatus around Christmastime - finals, the end of school, time off work, vacations, etc.

This year - the day-to-day reality of my life doesn't change as Christmas draws closer - and I've been letting that make me feel un-Christmasy.

Shameful.

I have lots of thoughts and musings and ruminations and such floating and bouncing around my brain right now, but I'm going to give myself over, for the next few days, to focusing on what feeling Christmasy really means. On why I truly love this season, and what the arrival of our Savior in the form of a tiny baby means to me.

Merry Christmas!

popsicle toes

Last winter, I was roughly 7 months pregnant right now... carrying, um, a FEW extra pounds, and living inside a body that had twice its normal amount of blood pumping, what with keeping an extra human alive inside me and all. Suffice it to say that last winter - I was WARM. Always. I'd come home and bump the thermostat UP to a whopping 61 degrees... until right before hubby came home and then I'd graciously give him 64 (maybe 65) degrees. He was pretty chilly. I was sweating.

This year... I have popsicle toes. And fingers. And ears, nose, arms, legs... you name it. I'm CHILLY!!! And no - the thermostat is no longer set at 61 or 64 or even 65.

However - I still WANT to crank it up to 75 or so. Except for the fact that my gas bill would give me a heart attack... then I want to be good and green and energy-conserving and just bundle me and the BabyNut up nice and warm... but it's HARD to nurse a hungry baby when you're wearing umpteen bulky layers of clothing.

Yes, today - this is the drama of my life. I'm whiny about being cold. *sigh*

I'm going to go make some hot cocoa and find contentment in our warm house and all the abundant provisions God has seen fit to heap upon us this season. Perhaps a little gladsome thankfulness will warm up my frigid fingers.

a prayer request

On the second Monday of every month, a group of mommies get together to have lunch and talk about their pregnancies and/or child(ren) and just enjoy each other as women. Sometimes our kids come along, and sometimes the mommies are just on a nice lunch break from work. We've been meeting once a month since November 2007 when we realized there was a whole PACKLOAD of us at our university who were all pregnant and due within a matter of months of each other. It's been an absolute blast to hang out with those fabulous women every month - I've made new friends and kept in touch with old ones. And it's just a great sense of support - everyone is in the same Mama-Boat.

Well... I opened up my email this morning to find a note from one of my mama-friends regarding another one of our mama-friends and her 3-year-old boy.

Monica's son Luke was diagnosed with cancer on Friday - rhabdomyosarcoma - there is a tumor, and the cancer has also spread to his lungs and lymph nodes. Now I don't know much, but I do know that finding cancer in more than one spot is NOT a good thing. I haven't heard anything else yet about his prognosis or other tests - but I can hardly think about Monica and Luke (and her husband Sean and baby boy Connor) without crying. Cancer stories are supposed to be things I read about - distantly reminded that life is precious, while my own little world goes relatively un-rocked - cancer stories are NOT supposed to be happening to the 3-year-old son of one of my friends. In the blink of an eye she went from being an ordinary mama with two beautiful boys - to being mama with two beautiful boys, one of whom has cancer. I. cannot. imagine.

So, if you could - ask God to cover them with peace and healing... and (if you're like me) remind yourself that we take MUCH for granted. Nothing is guaranteed, nothing is certain - and so, so many things are good and precious. Children, health, family, friendship, generosity.

just a little proud of myself

I like to make presents. A lot. Especially when I can come up with things that are fun/easy to make and that really fit the person on the receiving end.

This Christmas, my nephews James (5 1/2), Johnathan (3 1/2) and Brody (1 1/2) get to be superheros. I just finished their capes this morning - and this may be one of the projects I'm most proud of. I think they turned out great - and I really hope they love "flying" around the house with their very own capes.

Plus - it's really nice to check a few things off "the list."

when it snows...

It's been a bit of a hectic week - hours and days seem to be jumping right by us, as is always the case this time of year.
Between birthdays and Christmas shopping and baking and present-making and picture taking and wakeful nights and fun fun road trips... I haven't had a lot of blogging time. However - we are all alive and kicking and doing just dandy (although one of us really wishes another one of us would sleep for longer than 3 hours at a stretch...)
Hopefully this week will give me a teeny bit more time to sort out some of my jumbly thoughts and put something enjoyable together for y'all to read here.
In the meantime, I'll go to my standard fall-back - pictures of the BabyNut. These are some of the outtakes from Christmas-picture-taking adventures last week...

effective v. efficient

Dear Amazon.com:

A package from you arrived on my doorstep last night - the kind of package only a strange, organization-obsessed gal like me would be eagerly anticipating. I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a laundry sorter (to be placed in the hallway just outside the laundry room so as to bring an end to the piling-up of random dirty textiles on the FLOOR. For some reason, I'm OK doing laundry for the house when I'm pulling it out of nicely sorted hampers... I have a strong negative reaction to picking dirty laundry up off the floor.)

Our friendly neighborhood UPS man set down the package, knocked loudly and simultaneously rang the doorbell (as only delivery men can do) before bolting back down our front steps. When I opened the front door to retrieve my package, I was stunned. Sitting upon my front stoop was a box the likes of which could have comfortably shipped ME around the world. What sort of laundry organizer was this??

Well, it turns out that I had in fact ordered a very normal sized item... but someone at Amazon.com got a wee bit overexcited at the packaging stage...

Behold:









Amazon - I value our relationship. I enjoy your low prices and speedy, often-free shipping. I am sure I will continue to order from you far into the future.

But SERIOUSLY - there is no need to send my laundry sorter (which is itself VERY efficiently and effectively packed in a nice, slim box) in a container the size of Texas, chock-full of brown packing paper. It seems like a bit of overkill.

Thank You.
~Katie

happy turkey day

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I pray that you are able to find peace and contentment in your life, and rejoice in the blessings big and small that grace your days.

Now go eat some turkey!!

wintergreen

Even though there won't be much hint of green around these parts for the next few months, I'm still trying to keep up with my newfound crunchy, tree-hugging, green habits. I've tried a bunch of new things this past year - liked some, not-so-fond of others... so as 2008 wraps itself up (eek!) in a blanket of gray and white... here's the update on my greens.

1. Growing veggies on my front porch - all the plants actually grew, and most actually grew fruit (or vegetables, whatever). The only things that actually got big enough/produced enough for us to eat were the green beans. I may try this again for next summer, or I may try to plant an actual little garden in the backyard. Depends on how ambitious I am come springtime... but it was fun to watch everything grow and know that I could grow some of our own food if I worked at it enough.

2. Reusable grocery bags - LOVE THEM. However, I do NOT love the cheapy silly bags that they sell for 99 cents at the grocery stores - mine are already wearing out. I need to find some quality shopping bags to take with me - but I love not bringing home oodles of plastic bags every time I go to the store. I just keep 'em in my car and grab them on the way into the store. Easy cheesy. All the old plastic bags I've got in the house get used as liners for the little trash cans in the bathrooms, so at least they get one more use before they get pitched.

3. Homemade house cleaners - The only one I really still use is the glass cleaner and I love it. It's just cornstarch, vinegar & water - and it cleans great and doesn't streak. What else could I want? (I had a tough time with the others - everything with baking soda in it required one go-over to clean it, and one more with just water to wipe up the baking soda that would remain on my counters... a little too much work for this mama). I am now using Dr. Bronner's and Mrs. Meyer's soaps for all other cleaning in the house (except toilets, which see a slightly stronger cleaner every now and then, just because I don't mind putting chemicals in there so much, and... well, ick!) I love the friendly smells, the lack of chemicals... and everything still winds up clean. (Plus, the bottles will last for-EV-er!)

4. Cloth diapers - Obviously, since I can't stop talking about the giveaway and all - I'm still using them, still loving them. This summer, I did a lot of air-drying on our back deck, and I loved not using the dryer so much. I've been drying them since it got cold/cloudy/wet here in Michigan, until I figured out a good place to set up my drying rack. Now I'm back to (or at least testing out) air drying Haze's diapers - and knowing that our energy use will come back down a bit (especially since the furnace runs all the time these days!)

5. CFL bulbs - I've switched most of the main lights in the house, and I love it. It takes a little bit to get used to the slightly different quality of light, but our energy bill dropped a few bucks within a month or so of using these. Good deal.

6. Recycling - I still SO wish that the recycling center was closer - because it is a PAIN to truck our stuff out there... but I have a good system going in the garage for sorting our recyclables and I love how much less trash we are putting on the curb every week. Makes me want to hang my head a little bit about all those years where I wasn't recycling. Shhh....

7. Replacing paper with cloth - I do almost all of my cleaning with old rags and dishtowels now - and again, enjoying NOT going through the paper towels like crazy (I do still have some paper towels in the kitchen, but that's the only spot in the house). I also just got myself some cloth napkins, and as soon as we use up the last of the paper ones in the house, we're switching over.

All in all - it takes surprisingly little effort (just a bit of focus) to make these changes... and I'm thrilled at what a difference they seem to make. I know it's just a little bit... but knowing that we're at least trying to keep our little corner of the world a bit cleaner makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Anyone else got any good tips for reusing and repurposing some stuff around the house?

new button

Check out the new button on my sidebar - seriously, the giveaway is awesome! Go sign yourself up!

glamorous, it ain't.

When people think of glitzy, glamorous Things To Be When I Grow Up, "Mama" isn't usually topping the list. For some unfathomable reason, movie stars and rock stars and professional athletes and the like tend to outrank Mamahood on the bling scale.

(Unless of course, you are both a mama and a rock star/movie star/athlete, in which case the general public thinks you're the Most! Popular! and Interesting! Person! EVER!)

There are no cameras trying to sneak shots of you folding laundry, no appearances on talk shows to hype your upcoming trip to the grocery store, no endorsement deals for which brand of tissue you think best wipes snot from itty bitty noses.

BUT... there are little hands always reaching out for you. Heads lean on your shoulder and settle into the crook of your arms. Little tummies and toes beg for you to kiss and tickle, and chubby arms entangle themselves in your legs as you walk. Toothless smiles crack wide open at the sight of you and bright little eyes follow intently wherever you go.

I'll tell you - on the surface, "Mama" is even less glamorous than the non-glamorous images it conjures up... there's poop and snot and long nights and bad smells and spit-up and all other manner of really non-sparkly facets to the job. However... I believe that the glitz and glam are there, wrapped up in baby-smooth skin and tiny non-skid socks and teething rings and burp rags. The general public may not bat an eyelash at what I do all day long... but to one little girl, I am the Most! Popular! and Interesting! Person! EVER!

And that, friends, is more than enough for this here mama.

more free stuff

I swear I'll post an actual post again soon - but life here is busy with holidays, snow, and a sad, fussy baby with an icky head cold that makes her something of a leaky faucet...

SOoooo... Any cloth diapering mamas or mamas-to-be out there - go check out this giveaway because it's stinking awesome!!

Have a great Monday!

check out my new digs

Like the new look??
I think I'm in love. :)
Thanks, Ashleigh!!

free stuff!

SimpleMom is one of my favorite blogs - and right now, she's hosting a giveaway for several different kinds of reusable grocery bags!

I love using my reusable bags, but I just bought the cheapy ones from the store I shop at most frequently - and *shock!* they actually don't hold up all that well. A couple of them are already tearing at the seams... but since they were only 99 cents each, I'm not too miffed. However, I wouldn't mind toting around a more durable (and slightly more attractive) set of bags that didn't loudly proclaim one particular store's name.

Anyway - make sure you amble on over and check out the giveaway - and the blog itself! Lots of great stuff!!

qualifications

Hazel's nine-month check-up was today. As always - Dr. says she looks great and is growing and developing "perfectly." (not sure what exactly that means, but I'll take it)

Overall, we really like our pediatrician. She's professional, knowledgable and friendly. However, I can't help but wonder, once in awhile, if having your own baby shouldn't be a prerequisite to being a pediatrician. (all obvious disciminatory flaws in that requirement aside) Or at least, should be a prerequisite to handing out certain kinds of input/judgment.

It's just hard to sit and take advice (and the occasional mildly sarcastic comment) from a doctor who has never nursed a baby. Never wrestled with sleep issues or incessant crying or teething... or any long list of other things.

I know she means well and I know she's an "expert." But every once in awhile, I find it hard to swallow the well-meaning advice of someone who's never actually been in my shoes, and only sees me & my daughter for a few minutes once every few months.

But then again - I HAVE had a baby, and I don't know that I'd be any more helpful to a new mama who is wrestling with all the toughness that comes with the job. We never can totally be in someone else's shoes. I guess no one's perfect.

Except Hazel, apparently.

it may not be music

As I sat at the kitchen table this morning, enjoying the mini-facial provided courtesy of my steamy mug of herbal tea, I listened to the quiet of the house. And as I paid attention to the tiny little sounds that a house makes when it thinks no one is listening, I got to thinking about some of my favorite sounds. So to kick off the weekend, I decided to leave you with a little list of some of my favorite sweet, sweet sounds.

Deep rumbly thunder and steady raindrops on the roof (best heard when snuggled up in a toasty blanket)

Fire crackling (when it's properly contained in a fireplace or firepit, of course)

The whistle of my teakettle - not only does it signal a delicious hot drink is on the way, but it actually has a sort of harmonic, two-tone whistle. Quite lovely.

The funky music that plays when my little sister calls my cell phone - she picked the ringtone, and I have no idea what it is. But it makes me smile.

Popcorn popping - it just sounds like good times are ahead.

The funny sing-song babbling of a baby waking up from a good sleep.

My hubby's voice on the other end of the phone line.

Hundreds of voices raised in worship to our Father King.

Someone (usually it would be Mark or my sister, but I'm not picky) saying, "Hey, you look like you could use a backrub." (And then, of course, actually giving me one. Not just simply being observant...)

"Have a good weekend." Because that means it's the weekend.

Have a good weekend, everyone! :)

gratuitous pictures of my beautiful baby

fresh and clean

I feel the need for a little "freshening up."

And not just because I haven't showered yet today.

I'm feeling the need because I'm starting to get that fuzzy feeling... you know how your mouth starts to feel fuzzy when you need to brush your teeth, or your eyes begin to feel fuzzy when you're exhausted because your baby has decided sleep is for weaklings... or you know, just tired for other, normal reasons. That fuzzy feeling is a symptom, an indication that something (or things) needs to be swept up, cleared out, or refocused.

And although both of those things (need to brush teeth AND the amazing non-sleeping baby) are also true of me right now (yup, I've just painted you a most delightful and irresistible picture of myself - don't you all want to come hang out with me RIGHT NOW??)... I'm talking more about the need for a mental freshening up. My brains have been feelin' a wee bit fuzzy, folks.

Now... the fuzzy teeth are easily fixed by a good swipe with a toothbrush and swish with mouthwash. Fuzzy eyes due to lack of sleep... not quite as easy, but in the absence of suddenly and magically being able to coerce (I mean coax) my baby into sleeping all night long - a little Visine may go a long way toward making me feel better.

But what to do about cranial fuzziness?

Here's my plan:
1. (Continue to) Spend some time talking with friends. Just chat about life, hear about their lives, talk about shopping or politics or books or kids - whatever floats the boat, I say. It's like calisthenics for the social part of my brain. The part of my brain that's losing muscle mass by the day due to the fact that I spend 99.9% of my time talking to a 9-month-old.

2. (Continue to) Spend time with God. Every day. This is relatively easy, once I get the habit down, because the payoffs are generally immediate and undeniable. My day is different when it has a heavenward focus. 'Nuff said.

3. Ease up on myself. (The hardest one of all, for me) However, once a week, I've taken to writing down ever' blessed thing I do. All day. And the list, it may not be New York Times Bestseller - level reading... but it's long. So what if "change diaper" is listed 7 times, or if I "cleaned up the living room" for the 4th time before 3:00pm? The point is - at the end of my day, I can see that I did a lot for my home and my family. And while much of the world may not see a whole heap of value in what I did... I do. On paper, written in my own handwriting, the value of those things helps rinse away a bit more fuzziness.

Now then... I'm still sitting here barefoot in my fuzzy gray robe, needing a shower, a teeth-brushing and some Visine... and there's a baby on the floor, chattering to herself while she fills up her diaper. The fount of my eternal wisdom must cease its flow for a bit... depressing, I know.

Until I return to spout more pearls of deep-deep thought-provoking thought all over the internet... anyone else got some great tips for gettin' rid of that fuzz?

I'm it!

I got tagged yesterday to complete the Seven Random Things meme... so here goes.

1. I sort the silverware in our dishwasher. And everything points "up" except for scary sharp knives, which point "down" for what I think are obvious reasons. To me, this process makes incredibly logical sense - it saves me time when emptying the dishwasher... but most people just think I'm a little nutty. PoTAYto, PoTAHto.

2. I love school supplies. Notebooks (especially pretty ones), pens, binders, paper, highlighters...

3. By the time I was 25 years old, I'd been to Ireland, England, France (twice), Belgium, Czech Republic, Netherlands, Germany... and Canada. Still never been to Mexico. Or anywhere else that's not fairly "western cultury."

4. I can't have nail polish on my fingernails - I pick at it and within days (sometimes hours) it looks horrendous. Even clear nail polish.

5. My full name is spelled Katharine (like Katharine Hepburn, although I wasn't "named after" her). It's been spelled wrong consistently my whole life... but I still like that it's spelled that way.

6. The first two years Mark and I were married, we lived in a teeny apartment in a residence hall at MSU - I was a grad student with an assistantship supervising the RAs in that hall. It was crazy, but fun.

7. The second toe on my left foot is longer than the big toe... and on my right foot, the second toe is the appropriate, slightly smaller size. Dunno what's up with that.

So there ya go. Seven Random and Wildly Interesting Things. I hope it has lent you all some fabulous and extensive insight into my personality. *smile*

staying salty

It's thought that the origin of the phrase "take it with a grain of salt" relates to the fact that nasty food might taste just a wee bit better if you put a little salt on it. (It makes perfect, logical sense, but I still googled it a few minutes ago. Just to be sure.)

And since salt was rather expensive "back in the day" - you had to make do with a grain... otherwise the saying would be "take it with a whole heaping pile of salty goodness."

I think 2 things about this are interesting... salt was flavorful and salt was valuable.

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men." Matthew 5:13

I am the salt of the earth. People are the salt of the earth.
We are the flavor and value of the earth.

As a mama - I've discovered whole new levels of what it means for me to stay salty.

Sometimes it means listening to the diatribes of other (well-meaning, but often condescending) moms about how they did things, what's "good" for kids and what isn't, and why they think your baby behaves in specific ways... and not being rankled by them, but rather, smiling graciously, adding a dash of salt to their words, and giving them a taste. Even when you don't want to.

Sometimes it means flavoring your own words, lest you become one of the afore-mentioned patronizing mamas... and just plain old offering words of encouragement to your friends. One of my friends has a baby girl just a bit younger than Hazel, and I ran into her at church on Saturday night - we hadn't seen each other in awhile. Aside from being fabulous to see her and laugh with her, she left me with a few precious words of encouragement that I have thought about every day since then. Multiple times a day. And even now, it almost brings tears to my eyes to think about how much those little words mean to me. It strikes me that it's really not so hard to give away a little salt - and chances are good that it will probably flavor the recipient's thoughts for a long time.

And sometimes it just simply means that I need to remember that God sees me as flavorful and valuable - no matter how bland and used-up I might feel at the end of the day. I am working a part of His plan out every single day... and that is a good thing. I need to cling to my saltiness.

what a difference a year makes

October 31, 2007
*Baby's "First" Halloween (if it counts in utero and Mama dressed you up from the outside)
*270-some trick-or-treaters came to our house in the chilly, freezy rain
*Mama turned 27












October 31, 2008
*Baby's Actual First Halloween - nope, no trick or treating... just sittin' on the front steps, handing out candy with Mama, Daddy & Meredith (aka Mama Bear, Papa Bear & Goldilocks)
*204 trick-or-treaters came to our house in the beautiful, warm sunshine (darn those home football games)
*Mama turned 28 (Which - I am told - will be a "defining" year for me in terms of becoming a full-fledged adult grown-up type person. Except I still feel like a kid...)

an expert diagnostician

I think I have a case of Kathisecoautomysophobia.
I combined three actual phobias into one and made up my own word. Not that I ever do that.
For those of you who are not expert diagnosticians when it comes to hitherto unnamed and nonsensical phobias... allow me to enlighten you.
It's the fear of sitting down and allowing your home to become dirty.
Which is my fancy way of saying - I have a problem.
I like order. I like things being in their "places" and general tidiness to my space. Messy spaces are very distracting and unsettling to me. Can't relax. I'm not overly hung up on cleaning all the time - but as big piles of dirty dishes and mountains of laundry aren't any fun to look at, or to imagine tackling... I try to keep them from appearing in my house.
It used to be that a lot of my Kathisecoautomysophobic tendencies were focused on my office (at work). It was a tidy little space where I felt very comfortable. My home was then allowed to be comfortably cluttery - never really messy, but I didn't feel so compelled to put it in order.
Fast forward to me becoming a stay-at-home-mama... suddenly my house IS my "office" - except now there are other people in it all the time and I'm not the only one who uses/moves things and I'm here during the week and on the weekends and in the evenings...
This is a very long-winded way of saying that I have a hard time allowing myself to relax. I used to be OK with coming home from work and giving myself that time to unwind. Now that home is where I work - I find it much more difficult to unwind here... it kinda feels like staying late at the office to try to relax - why would anyone do that??
Now, I'm a homebody - I love being at home... going "out" doesn't relax me much at all - so I don't know that leaving the house to find some relaxation is a good solution for me. I just need to find a way to allow myself to sit on my behind once in awhile and read a book (without turning into a lazy bum, because that's my other tendency... I either work too hard, or I don't do anything all day long).
As my sage husband said to me this morning, "Sometimes it takes more discipline to be undisciplined." He knows me well.
I wonder if there's a pill I can take...

parent of the year, baby. it's mine for sure.

Last night, Hazel answered to a different name.
Fussy Von Whinencrank.









Pick me up.
Put me down.
How dare you put me down??
I want that toy.
No, I want THAT toy.
She screamed and fussed at everything.
And just as her Mama had decided that tossing her out the window might be the only way to get her to stop fussing...
We discovered the bathroom sink.
Seriously.









(Not that any part of my brain even considered metaphorically tossing my baby out the window... ahem.)
It may be unorthodox - but it worked for a good 25 minutes. And that, friends, is the equivalent of 17 hours in the just-before-bedtime moments of the day.












I'm pretty sure this solidifies my title as Mama of the Year. You have my permission to be impressed.

bubble, bubble

There are all kinds of delicious, deep blog posts brewing away in my head right now.

Trouble is, I can't put words to any of them at the moment... not coherent words, at any rate.

And so, I resort to the fabulous Update in the Form of a List. Hold onto your hats.

1. Hazel officially has four teeth now. What a big girl!

2. Mark is off to PA this weekend, so Haze and I are off to my parents' house again - I'm not so geeked about the driving (I never know what to expect with her in the backseat for 4 hours...) but I'm pumped to get to hang with the fam again.

3. I'm reading some good books right now, and have some more on the way (via Swaptree, which I L*O*V*E)

4. I did one of my yoga/pilates DVDs this week and my buff, tough, mama-arms are sore. Let's just say that Baby Lugging Muscles do not equal Yoga/Pilates Muscles. It felt great, though.

5. I cannot believe October is almost over. What in the world.

6. Mark and I went on a date this week (gone about 2 hours total) and I think our baby cried pretty much the whole time. Fat chance we EVER LEAVE HER AGAIN. (I jest, of course we will - it just stinks to come home to a sad sad baby who missed her mama & daddy).

7. It's lovely and sunny outside. Again. I love it.

8. I won't be posting tomorrow, as we'll be trying to get an early start. I'll see what I can do about serving up some of those fabulous thoughts that are a'brewing. Edge of your seats, I know.

Have a great weekend!!

apples, apples, everywhere

I adore fall.
Adore.
Crispy air, crunchy leaves, spicy smells, beautiful colors on the trees, pumpkins, apples, delicious baked goods, warm drinks... I could go on and on. And on.
But I'd rather enjoy the gorgeous day God's given us... so here's the short version:
Right now, my daughter is sleeping, my husband is reading on the couch, my dishwasher is happily scrubbing the tools I used to create a mess in my kitchen, the oven door is open (to flood the kitchen with toasty warm air as it cools down) and my counter is littered with the aftermath my productive afternoon (which would include apple-cinnamon muffins, glazed apple cookies and fresh applesauce... can you tell we had an abundance of apples in the house?)









Did I mention that I adore fall??

stepping out

I am not a risk-taker.

I think I used to be. Or at least, I used to be more of a risk-taker than I am today. At least when it comes to Things That Matter.

Oh, I'll ride big tall rollercoasters (and love 'em).

And I'll chop my hair off (heck, it always grows back).










But in actuality - I am habitually a person who is pretty good at appearing all-put-together and actually terrified of putting myself out there.

I don't like to call up new friends and ask them to do things. It feels like dating, and I never was very good at dating, and it's always weird when they say no (even for a really good reason). Do you call back, keep trying - or does that make you seem strange and desperate?

I second-guess myself when I reach out with a note, a phone call, an email... if I don't hear back within a reasonable amount of time (or whatever my silly little head has deemed "reasonable") then I am sure that I have alienated them, said something weird, and now have to figure out how to undo the damage without wreaking any more havoc.

I'm not sure where this nervous, wimpy, non-risk-taker gal came from... or when exactly she moved in and took over my mind and body... but I'd like to evict her.

I want to be bold because of who I am in Christ. I want to remember that I can have and be all kinds of things (good things!) but if I don't have love, if I don't live love for others... I have nothing. I want to focus on the fact that my rewards are in heaven - not on Earth... and the only things that satisfy are from God.

But lately God has been showing me glimpses - giving me snippets of His power and His grace, and how He has designed our lives... and I hear Him calling me, gently but urgently, to take more risks.

And I have. And although sometimes it's more than I bargained for - it feels great.

Funny how God always seems to know what's best, huh? I mean - what is up with that??
:)

it's a funny thing

I'm feeling Moderately Baffled by life lately. Just in a tilt-your-head-to-the-side-and-give-it-a-little-scratch kind of way.

Of course, at any given time, I am Mildly/Moderately/Severely Baffled by all kinds of things, so this is not to say that I am feeling anything particularly profound or novel. I am currently just feeling moved to report to my faithful bloggie friends about it. Lucky you.

At the moment, I am Moderately Baffled by:

1. Answers to prayer. Especially things that have been on my heart for a long time. It's odd and a bit surreal to finally see fruit in some of those areas, and I realize that part of me may have started to believe that I would be forever praying and always hearing "My plan is different from your plan" in response.

And at the same time, being baffled by "not yet" responses to other prayer requests. I am not upset (yet, although that may come)... just perplexed.

2. The fact that I am me. That sounds really weird, I know... but I have been adjusting to this huge new addition to my personality (Katie the Mama) for the past 8 months, and the more she cleaves to the Old Katie, the more I see of mySelf coming back into my sightlines. Of course, I will always be learning about Katie the Mama, especially as her role grows and changes over the years to come - but the Old Katie is rearing her head back up, and now I am mentally wrestling with incorporating bits of her back into my day to day life.

The Old Katie loved to learn and be mentally (academically) fed and challenged - and that's been missing for awhile. I am (and pretty much always have been) a school nerd. I missed it while I was working full-time, but there was usually enough mental challenge at work that I was still satisfied in this arena. Having a baby sucked out my brains - but they are slowly returning and they are hungry. Not sure how to feed them... or what exactly I want to feed them.

3. The Babynut. Of course, she will probably always be moderately baffling to me, at least. She is, after all, her own separate, unique person, and only God will ever truly know the inner workings of her heart. But as her true, beautiful, passionate, God-given personality grows more apparent by the day - I am learning about her.

And making progress (which is good!) But similar to the prayer-thing... I'm a bit baffled that I am making progress. Again, I think I let myself think that I would forever be struggling to "figure her out." And I'm sure I will, but only because new facets of herself will present themselves to me. That doesn't mean that as time passes and we grow together, that I won't be able to study and learn bits and pieces - and learn how to respond/react/deal in a way that honors and respects both of our unique personalities.

In conclusion to a long and somewhat verbose meandering brain-dump...
Cute Baby Pictures.
Enjoy!!

Hazel & Dave:









Hazel has her daddy's expressive forehead:










Sweet smiles.

knew I married him for a reason...

Because he's an ACTUAL ninja.
Gives that post's title a whole new meaning. (looks around, blushing... "Who said that??")

mama can take down the ninja

There is an intruder in my house.

Since Sunday (at least) - my home has been home to the world's most obnoxious houseguest EVER. Always hovering, never leaving me alone... I just cannot seem to convince this guest to vacate the premises.

It's a fly.

Not even a big one - just a little bitty housefly.

But I swear - it has ninja skillz. It's uncatchable, unswattable - and for a few hours every day - undetectable. Just to lure me into a false sense of security - I forget temporarily that my house has been overtaken by a mutant insect, and then when I least expect it... BAM. Stinking bug lands on my forehead. Or my lunch. Yum.

I'm not sure how to handle it, as it's a wee bit chilly to just leave the windows and doors flung wide open (not to mention that such an act might be construed as an open invitation and then I could find a full-on convention of ninja insects taking over my living room...)

All I can say is - Mama has had it. Beware, ninja fly.

what's your sign?

Recently I have come to the conclusion that life (at least, MY life) would be monumentally easier if every person wore a sign around his/her neck that listed Things You Should Know About Me If You Want to Be My Friend. (Or something that means the same thing but sounds way less cheesy and dorky).

Logistics (such as: Is it really prudent to have such a sign be visible at all times or should it only appear when someone really DOES want to be your friend? and How many things go on the list?) aside - I'm convinced this is a stellar idea. The fact that I came up with the idea has nothing to do with its obvious merit. *cough*

Inane and inconsequential "insights" like I like basketball would only be allowed on the list if your liking borders on obsession and it would truly be helpful for someone to know this prior to going about the business of becoming your friend.

Now, I'm not talking about taking all the fun out of getting to know someone - because I really do like the discovery process involved in growing new friendships. I'm also not advocating that the sign hanging around the neck would in any way serve as a deterrent ("Oh, now that I know that, I don't want to be your friend") NOPE.

It's just that (especially early on) a lot of time/energy/potentially hurt feelings could be saved if we had certain tidbits of information upfront.

Katie, I just don't get exactly what you mean!

Here's a completely made-up, not-at-all-realistic or exactly and precisely accurate "for instance":

One of the items on my sign would read: "I don't like feeling/looking stupid." (Don't like is probably way too gently put, actually) I know that very few people probably actually like feeling and/or looking stupid, so it seems like a silly thing to say - but run with me here for a minute, folks.

My intense dislike for feeling/looking stupid is pride-based. I am well aware of this, and it is definitely something I struggle with and work on - on a daily basis. I want people to think I have it together and I can handle things. I know it shouldn't matter to me - and God & I are in the process of working on that.

HOWEVER - those that know and love me are aware of this - and are particularly judicious with their advice/help/comments - they know me well enough to wait until I ask for help or input, or they know how to say things or to approach me in a way that doesn't seem condescending or patronizing. Above all - they show more interest in me as a person than in what they can do for me - and that (for me) is a really good thing. I appreciate their willingness to love me where I am, despite the fact that I probably should be somewhere else.

I've met new people who didn't know this about me - and occasionally, in their unknowing efforts to "be helpful" wind up setting off a defensive alarm in my head. Advice is given (that is almost certainly well-intentioned) that makes me feel talked-down-to and suddenly... walls go up. Well-meaning help is offered - and I transform into someone who is "incapable" - which makes me want to avoid the person offering the help because now I think they think I can't hack it on my own.

I know - I'm crazy. But the thing is - if I had a sign around my neck, everyone who wanted to be my friend could KNOW how crazy I am and could (if they so chose) adjust their approach to me.
Likewise - I would be thrilled to not inadvertently step on someone else's "emotional toes" and learn, from the very beginning, to love them where they are...

Sometimes, I think a little tip-off wouldn't be that bad.

What would your sign say??

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Completley Unrelated and Gratuitous Baby Pictures:

Hazel has enjoyed music, specifically acoustic guitar, since before she was born. This just further evidence that we have a little prodigy on our hands.

Not that I'm biased or anything.

begone!

I should be allowed nowhere near peanut butter M & Ms. Especially cute Halloween colored peanut butter M & Ms. I will munch on the entire bag, no matter the size, over the course of a few (too few) days until every. last. one. is. gone.

And then, I won't really miss them. I don't need them. But my willpower goes right out the window if I try to coexist with them.

On an entirely unrelated note - my friend Dilyn came over to spend a couple hours with Hazel and I this morning (and hopefully every Thursday morning). We had (or at least - I had and I hope she had) a nice time chatting and learning a little more about each other. We've known each other for awhile but have never had a ton of opportunity to sit around and have the kind of talks that lead to knowing a person more, well... personally. I think we started branching that way today.

Dilyn is a wonderfully sweet gal who is a junior in college, studying all kinds of science things that I'm totally impressed by (because I'm SO not a studying-science kind of girl myself)... on her way to hopefully being a physical therapist. She's also spending a lot of her time loving the girls (now high school sophomores) that I knew well when I was leading WYLdLife (middle school ministry I was involved in during my pre-baby days). It's incredibly cool to see her know and love these girls well - girls that (although I don't get to see them as often anymore) are incredibly special to me. And they love her so. much. too. Dilyn is a quiet-at-first, thoughtful, observant and generous woman who loves Christ a lot - and it positively seeps out of her. I like her.

Part of our conversation this morning is leading me to a (few?) new blog post(s)... but they're still stewing in my brain right now, so y'all will just have to wait. In the meantime...

my daughter is a robot

I've concluded that Hazel is a robot.

You know the one from The Incredibles - the one that has a mind of its own and decided to thwart all authority and run rampant over the tropical island and as anyone tries to fight it, it actually learns and gets smarter and smarter and better at outsmarting its opponent?

Yup - that's her.

The difference being that the robot in the movie actually killed its enemies. She hasn't succeeded in doing that yet.

But I swear - anything - ANYTHING - that is helpful with the usual bedtime/naptime battle we fight daily around here - anything - it only lasts a day or two. (And since it usually takes 2-3 days to figure out what "helpful" might be, the return on my investment is not so hot).

I thought mamas were supposed to love naptime and bedtime. In my head, it was always a sweet, quiet, dimly lit bonding time where songs are softly sung, sweet words are murmured - full of rocking chairs and snuggly blankets and delicious-smelling baby heads.

My reality includes many of those things - snuggly blankets and yummy baby heads and dim lights and soft songs... but they are too often cut short by cries and yells and a baby that is struggling against my arms and rubbing her face in my shoulder because she is So Tired but screams bloody murder when I have the audacity to lay her down to sleep in her bed. And so, I kind of dread bedtime and naptime.

I feel like I must be missing something, some key to parenting, some skill - there just doesn't seem to be any good reason why it should still be so gosh darn hard to put that girl to sleep.

Shouldn't there be something, some trick, that comforts her and makes her feel safe and sleepy?

And shouldn't her mama, who grew her and gave birth to her and spends every day with her be able to figure that out??

*sigh* Parenting robots is tricky business, folks.