in which I attempt to find glimmers of my "former" self

The title really should read "So I started making a concentrated effort to get back into some of my hobbies in my free time..." It just sounds more dramatic to say it that way. So I did.

At any rate - here's a few of the things I did this week:

Made granola in my crockpot (it smells fabulous and tastes great too - way WAY cheaper than buying granola at the store!)

We all went to the park for a picnic dinner and playtime in the sand - fabulous fun!

Made Hazel a skirt from a sheet that used to belong to her Aunt.













Made Hazel a fleece diaper cover (worked out great, definitely going to make more of these - for Hazel and for BabyMon**)














Been reading a great book about God's design for motherhood - really loving it and feeling affirmed and convicted about my role and my decisions as a Mama.

It was a fun week - very good to get back to some things that I've been missing!!

**BabyMon is the official silly name for the littlest B - it's my family's way of making things sound French (like absolutMON means absolutely). It's a joke (that is funny to us) where we add "mon" to the ends of words when it doesn't make any sense. So when you read "BabyMon" on my blog, be sure to read it with a French accent in your mind. Otherwise it's just plain goofy.

Happy Mama's Day

Thanks for all the tips and ideas from my slightly frazzled, toddler-training-plea post the other day. We're taking baby steps, and I'm really trying to pray and think over what I'd like to try for my family. It's much trickier than I thought, and I'm honestly a wee bit intimidated by the whole discipline process. But by the grace of God - we'll slowly figure out what we're doing (and then everything will change AGAIN...) :)

ANYWAY - Our little family is traveling this weekend - going to have a Mother's Day/my mom's birthday weekend in Illinois.

I just wanted to wish all the Mamas and Mamas-to-Be out there a lovely Mother's Day. Serving God by serving our kids is just about the coolest job ever - and no one could do exactly what you can do for your family. It's precious. Enjoy your day and know you are LOVED!

all we need is a really old map

What do you call the person who doesn't HUNT for treasure - but hides it from everyone else?

Hazel likes putting things into other things. Sometimes this involves putting things away - mostly not.

For example:

One of her cloth wipes (which she removed from the diaper bag and travel case) is inside her coffee pot, inside her sink in her play kitchen.










An orange ball in Mama's shoe.










And (in case my photographic skills don't allow you to determine this): My cell phone, my car keys and a clothespin, all inside a box of crackers. Seconds later, she also put the remote control in there - but alas, the box could not handle such treasure and tipped over.













I imagine there are many conversations in my future that start with, "Hazel, have you seen Mama's fill-in-the-blank?"

go from giggles to tears in 5.7 seconds (updated)

Okay - so here's another one of my occasional calls for help/input/information/encouragement:

I have a lovely, charming, curious and energetic almost-15-month-old daughter. She is very smart and aware, and although she only says a few actual words right now - she understands MANY MANY more than that.

A few weeks ago, she started pitching an enormous fit every time a diaper change came around. Back arched, screaming, kicking her legs... the initial few seconds is always rather loud (now that it's summer, I'm sure the neighbors can hear her....) and she calms down a bit - but often cries, fusses or strains against me/her dad throughout the process.

She's also fully mobile now - walking quickly and steadily where she needs/wants to go... and with that has come a whole new level of mama-attachment. I know this is age appropriate and not a bad thing... but the bad part comes when any movement I make away from her (to set her down, walk to the kitchen, etc...) is met with a bright red face, crocodile tears and more piercing screams.

Her schedule is early (bed at 7:00) and she usually eats dinner around 5:00 - and we often don't get to eat until she is almost or completely finished (because Mark's not home, or dinner's not ready, or we're just plain not hungry that early). She wants to get out of her high chair, but then won't leave us alone - crying, whining, arms up to be held, and she won't sit still on our laps while we eat either. I've started telling her calmly to find books, toys and other things, and that Mama and Daddy are eating dinner and aren't ready to play. It's not really helping yet, but it's something.

She also has a tendency to get aggressive when she gets mad - she'll scratch, pinch or flail (often hitting people and/or things).

Oh, and there's also a new, lovely whiny noise that she makes whenever frustrated or tired/crabby. (and whiny noises are high on Mama's list of pet peeves...)

So here's the pitch:

I'm not sure how to teach her what is acceptable and what is not, at this particular age. I know that I cannot avoid all fits/tantrums/whining... she's obviously learning and figuring out how she can express herself, and that's normal. However - I want her to know that whining is not an OK way to communicate with me or with her Daddy. I want to be able to eat dinner without being serenaded by her crying and whining. I want to change her diaper without getting a headache, and I want to teach her that she cannot hit or pinch or whack things/people when she is mad.

Soooo... do any of you experienced mamas out there have any good tips for training a very young, very smart, very stubborn, very emotional little one? (I'm not sure how I feel about physical consequences (a swat on the diaper, for example), and from my limited experience, ignoring her completely does not work either... but I'm open to considering any suggestions).

Most of the day - she's funny and full of life and is an absolute joy to hang out with. But these moments are enough to make my head spin a bit... and with another little one on its way (only three more months - ack!!) - I need to make some progress here. Or at least have a plan.

Thanks!

***Updated***
I'm enjoying the comments so far - I just wanted to be sure that it was clear we are not doing nothing at this point - we're doing the very calm "Hazel, stop screaming" and other directions, holding her hands still for a moment if she has tried/is trying to hit or pinch something/someone, and I often am calmly explaining that Mama is busy and will hold her soon. Redirection also works sometimes (she loves to go get a book to read).
Here's the thing - I don't want the behavior to just stop... I want her to learn why it has to stop, so she'll stop it herself. I haven't tried time-out with her yet (and I'll give it a whirl) - but my inclination is that it's not my favorite discipline tool - I'm not sure that isolation is a great consequence, and I fully believe that many kids out there are able to endure a time-out with no change in attitude and without having to really evaluate their behavior.
That being said, I haven't tried it yet, so I could be putting my foot into my mouth...
I'm having fun reading people's thoughts though - so keep 'em coming!

walkin in the rain

On our (almost) daily walk 'round the neighborhood, we came across a heckuva garage sale... and scored big...

I got (for Hazel):
three sunsuits
one dress
one jumper
overalls & matching top
jeans (with tags on)
leggings (with tags on)
cardigan sweater
a pair of cute, sturdy, purple sneakers
... all for $13.75

And I scored a crib, mattress, changing table, changing pad and dresser set for $150... the crib will go to my parents' house (we already have a 2nd crib coming) and we'll keep the dresser/changing table for Baby's room. The uber friendly folks in my neighborhood even drove all the stuff over to our house (all of 15 seconds away) and unloaded it into my garage for me, since Mark won't be home until late tonight. An afternoon of good deals and meeting new friendly mamas is a good afternoon in my book.

Especially during a day when my daughter had multiple personality disorder and went from absolute adorable angel to inconsolable tantrum-throwing toddler maniac (and back), oh say - 12 or 87 times.

Now it's 7:22 pm, my daughter is asleep, my hubby won't be home for hours, and I'm pooped. Time to relax on the couch

she loves the kitchen, oh yes ma'am

Helping with the dishes...










And cleaning out the cupboards...










She's Mama's Little Helper - that's for sure!

regularly scheduled programming

PHEW.

We're back from our trip... and I'll just say that taking a toddler (with a head cold) to a hotel for four nights is not exactly my idea of vacation. (Praise God for hotel pools that open early!!) It's absolutely downright lovely to be back home.

Thanks for the encouraging words & thoughts after my last post. I think I know what's necessary to help my heart and my spirit - even if my actual situation and circumstances don't improve (or change in the way I want them to change, to be more precise).

One of the absolute toughest parts (for me) in becoming a parent for the first time was the completely unexpected loss of sense of myself. I hadn't realized how strongly I had tied my identity to my activities and involvements - my career, my volunteering, my role as a wife (in a home without children). But once Hazel was born - I was simultaneously head-over-heels in love with a beautiful baby girl... and absolutely lost and reeling, wondering where I had gone.

I've been working on re-knitting my identity in the past year-plus, and it has been slow work - a few steps forward, a few steps back. My heart knows many things about my calling and my role as a mama - but my head often struggles with my selfishness and with the conflicting messages about motherhood that permeate our society.

Even now, as I'm committed to entrenching myself in the discovery of God's design for motherhood - the purpose and mission of my job for many years to come - in the midst of my excitement, I am a wee bit nervous about the change.

Will it be harder to relate to my friends who don't have kids?

Will I become one of those moms who can only talk about "mom things?"

Will I put too much focus on being a mama, and not enough on the other roles God calls me to play?

I don't know the answers to these questions for certain - but I'm fairly sure that at times, I will answer "YES!" to all of them... because I'm a regular old flawed gal, just doing the best she can.

But I am encouraged that I am not playing ANY of the roles in my life by accident or happenstance... God has placed ME specifically in each one of them - and by His grace, by walking in faith in a wonderful and powerful Lord, by prayer and petition and new mercies each and every day... I am able to fill those roles.

I believe that He is not sorry He put me here... He is not ashamed of me.

I believe that He is filled with love that I cannot comprehend - and waiting, just waiting, for me to go to Him for help and guidance.

What a thought.

fraying

I feel like my edges are fraying.

I'm having a hard time preventing the unraveling of the "fabric of me"... there is an edginess and irritability in my mind that I do. not. appreciate. It makes me less of a wife, less of a mama, less of a friend. The people in my life deserve more than "less" of me.

But I'm not entirely sure how to beat it.

I think the problem lies mainly in the fact that I've gotten to a point where I *need* something to change very quickly (as in, five minutes ago) - but change is s-l-o-w in coming. And it's just not a situation where I can do much to control the rate of change.

The fabric of my patience is worn and holey. It appears moths have attacked my peace and chewed gaps in my joy.

I don't want to feel broken - I don't want thin little threads holding the precarious pieces of myself together... I want to feel strong, competent, whole and purposeful. I want to be a blessing to my husband; a loving, patient mother to my daughter; and a joy and comfort to my friends. Instead, I feel disappointed in myself for not being tougher - I never thought I would feel so incapable, so unfit, so unable to deal.

I know that the Lord is the only one who can weave all my loose ends back in. I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness, and that the peace He can give me passes all understanding. I know these things. And I know that God is good all the time - no matter what state my heart is in.

I have no good conclusion - no pretty bow to put on the end of this post. I guess that's fitting. I'll just take a deep breath, spend some time with my Jesus, and begin tomorrow with His new mercies. Amen for that.

(Oh - and Hazel and I will be out of town and away from blog-land until probably Monday... so if I don't post again until then, don't worry. I haven't unraveled completely (hope, pray) - just gone on a little trip).

our favorite joke

Anyone who's ever been pregnant, or been married to someone who's been pregnant or has expected a child in any way knows that likely The Most Common Thing Ever Said to People Expecting A Baby/Child (particularly the first one) goes a little sumpthin' like this:

"Oh, your life is REALLY going to change!" (always pronounced in a tone that belies the unending wisdom borne of one who has survived the rigors and challenges and hardships of parenting.)

At which point, Expectant Woman and/or Man Married to Expectant Woman smile(s) politely, pretends s/he has not heard this eleventy-billion times before, and continues on his/her way.

Because really - the fact that having a baby is life-changing is one of those things that you KNOW, but you can't REALLY KNOW until it happens. And you know it. You know?

Anyway - Mark and I wearied (as have many expectant couples before us) of hearing variations of those words of wisdom, and since the life-changing (gasp!) birth of our daughter, have applied our vast and renowned comedic skills to the situation and come up with a joke that is pretty much NEVER NOT FUNNY. (To us - the slightly sleep-deprived, expectant-again parents of a busy, adorable toddler...)

Whenever parenthood proves tough or inconvenient or involves some sort of dying-to-self (which is roughly every 1.87 minutes, I think) - we look at each other and one of us quips, oh-so-cleverly:

"Why didn't ANYONE tell us that parenting would be hard??"

And then we laugh so hard that we cry (or pretend that we are so that there seems to be a fun and funny reason for the tears), congratulate ourselves on our impeccable wit, and get on with the tough, inconvenient, dying-to-self task at hand.

And although we may not actually BE FUNNY (shhh... don't tell us!) - we come out the other side a little better for having laughed, a little comforted in our not-so-aloneness, and a little more able to pick up the parenting cross and keep on truckin.

fuzzies

Hazel likes to pick teeny tiny things up.

The itsy-bitsiest morsels are offered to me... pudgy baby hands extending gifts of unspeakable value... most of the time - it's little (almost miniscule, sometimes completely invisible and imaginary) pieces of lint.

Fuzzies, if you will.

I find it amusing that she notices and picks up these ridiculously tiny fuzzies. And that she gives them to me with a grin that belies her thoughts: "I am giving Mama the BEST thing ever!!"

Too often as an adult, I am irritated by my life's "fuzzies." (Both metaphorical fuzzies and ACTUAL pieces of lint).

Today, my eyes and brain are fuzzy from lack of sleep. Other days, fuzzies take different shapes: piles of laundry, unexpected bills, a dishwasher that seems incapable of WASHING the dishes...

I kick the fuzzies. I chew them out, mentally hurling insults and threats at these inconveniences in my day. I do not look at them and see small treasures, waiting to be discovered.

What if I took the same view my daughter does... and use household chores as an opportunity to give a gift to someone else? Turn up the music, sing along, and smile - knowing that I am serving, working for the Lord and not for men, and just love on those around me.

My fuzzy brain had me on edge this morning - but thanks to a faithful God and some specially-requested prayers being offered up by a faithful husband - I am no longer on edge. Sure, I'm still tired. I wish I had gotten more sleep - I wish my daughter had gotten more sleep.

But I'll use my quietness today to be still and listen for Jesus. Take a moment to rest and "be," when I might normally be inclined to "do." And find sweet, simple joy in making bread for dinner, cookies for fun, and playing on the living room floor with my girl.

And graciously accepting every single gift of lint she gives me.

a seat for our little talmidah

how do they know??

So we're getting a nice sized tax refund this year - and I know that it's technically better to NOT get a refund (because then the government hasn't been sitting on your $$ all that time when it could have been earning interest in your bank account) - I still like the "extra" money.

Mark and I are usually fairly dull when it comes to how we treat unexpected monetary income... we give some away (church, YoungLife, etc...) and then we put it in the bank.

Yawn.

This year, I "decided" (as the one who does the taxes, the bills and all the general accounting) that we should each get a small sum to spend on fun things. Whatever we wanted. Mark, Hazel and I would each get our share, and the rest we could "spend" in our own unique, dull way.

First - I have NO IDEA what to spend my money on. Everything that I can think to buy is for Hazel. I think I'll get myself some new cute shoes - something comfy but trendy-Mama-on-the-go type. But not sure what to spend the rest on.

Second, and more important - we spent most of Hazel's money on a fabulous "little" armchair from Pottery Barn Kids for her. I say "little" because my pregnant behind can fit in this chair j-u-s-t fine. And I must say, it's a comfy little spot.

Anyway - we *love* this chair. I'm partially embarrassed that we spent this money on a chair (from PBK!!) for our almost 14-month-old daughter... but it's wonderful. It's slipcovered in denim, so it matches our couches, it's sturdy, it's light, and it's big enough that she won't grow out of it in 3.7 minutes (or 28 years, apparently....)

Since it arrived at our home on Wednesday night, an interesting phenomenon has occurred... Hazel is showing her first signs of true territorialism. If I sit in the chair - she comes over, and starts trying to push me out of it!! She'll leave behind other toys and books and beeline for whoever is in "her" seat.

How does she KNOW it's hers?? It's been in our house for less than 48 hours.

I think babies have a radar for normally-adult-sized things that have been made smaller just for them. She's never been super territorial about her toys at all - she doesn't care if we play with them (sometimes she cares if another baby plays with them...) But her chair - oh boy - her chair is OFF LIMITS to all not named Hazel Maryn.

Really, I kinda love how much she loves it.

Oh -and the best part about the chair is the personalization - it says "Talmidah" in bright pink thread. (Talmidah is Hebrew for disciple (the feminine version)). We love it.

And so, on this Good Friday, as I watch my daughter stake her claim on Armchair Territory - I am still reminded that I am His Talmidah... and there is much to take to heart today.

maybe I'll just write a book

I wouldn't be writing the book because I think I'm in any way an expert. On anything.

Just that sometimes it helps me to write things down... it organizes my thoughts and makes things seem more concrete when I put words to the floating notions in my brain. (Hence the blog, right?)

My thoughts the past few nights have turned toward my philosophy on babies and sleeping. Hazel had a rather rough first year of life when it came to sleep - naptime, nighttime, you name it - we struggled. But somewhere around her 1st birthday we began to hit a rhythm, and she's been doing (mostly) really well since then.

Except for the slightly undesirable trend of the past few nights... which is to wake up sometime between 2:00am and 4:00am, and proceed to NOT fall back asleep for an hour or more. Usually more.

In the wee small hours of the morning, this tired mama has plenty of time to ponder what I'll affectionately dub "Sleep Tactics."

I read just about every sleep-baby book out there. Lots of great ideas, none of which work in entirety. Trial and error and piecing together bits of "expert" advice have led me to these conclusions (at least in reference to this particular baby of mine...):

1. I DO NOT believe in letting a baby cry it out. I have a physical reaction when my child is screaming, and it actually pains me to not provide comfort.

2. That being said - I do believe in letting a baby FUSS it out. There's a big difference - and Hazel often needs a few minutes of fuss-time in order to unwind and fall asleep. I think it's akin to the tossing/turning/pillow-shuffling we often do before falling asleep. I don't go into Hazel's room as soon as I hear a peep or two... but I will go in once "peeping" becomes screaming.

3. I believe that babies probably will learn to fall asleep "on their own" faster if you let them cry it out. However - I mostly believe that they're learning that you won't come and answer them if they cry - not necessarily how to self-soothe. I know that I've created a Sleep Tactic system that is more work for me by NOT letting Hazel scream in the middle of the night... but I'm okay with that.

4. Learning to ignore the shrieks of my child is not a lesson in which I am interested. I want her to trust that I will comfort her when she cries, and that her daddy and I are nearby. Sometimes a kid just needs an extra snuggle or two to fall back asleep. And since my little lady will only be little for a short while, I'm willing to oblige.

5. EVERYTHING I've just said works for me - not necessarily for any other mama. Or any other baby, for that matter. I could be totally changing my tune in a few months. But this is what I've developed with Hazel and I - and even though I'm sleepier today than I want to be, I feel confident in the choices I've made regarding how to handle our nighttime dates. And that's a good feeling.

However, if I happened to find an instruction book that God wrote just for Hazel's Mama... I'd throw away all my own nonsense and follow it letter for letter. :)

He is God, and He is GOOD!!

Here's the update on our littlest family member:

We had an ultrasound scan this morning at U of M - lots of measuring and looking and measuring some more...

There are no cysts in Baby's kidney - but there IS fluid that is not draining. It appears that Baby has a small blockage at the uretero-pelvic junction (UPJ - which is where the kidney meets the tube that connects to the bladder, aka the ureter). The obstruction is not allowing all of the fluid (urine) to drain from that kidney, so it's building up. It's called unilateral hydronephrosis. Means "on one side, there is water in the kidney."

This is "better" than cysts - no abnormal growths, and since my amniotic fluid is measuring perfectly on track, it appears that both kidneys are still functioning normally... just that one of them (the right one) cannot drain the way it should. No one seems to be sure WHY this happens - it's just one of those things...

I'll go back for another scan in a month or two to check and make sure nothing has changed/gotten worse - but this will PROBABLY be handled fairly easily once Baby is born (a catheter-ish contraption will likely be used to break up the blockage, or occasionally these conditions actually clear up on their own!).

There is a possibility that things could get worse, or that surgery would be required if the other procedure was ineffective - but those are just possibilities.

We are breathing much more easily today, and praising God for His faithfulness and timing. And we are so grateful to the community of family and friends that have shown us support and love - we're really blessed!!

be still and know...

That He is God.

As you can see from my previous post -we had our 20-week ultrasound this morning. It was (as always) wonderful to see on screen the life that's growing... lots of kicks and wiggles; a strong, beating heart; arms, hands, fingers, toes, legs...

We found out at the end of our appointment that our ultrasound revealed what appears to be several cysts on Baby's right kidney... so we are being referred to the University of Michigan for follow-up (fancier ultrasounds and docs who specialize in prenatal kidney issues). We don't know much right now, so we're just in a holding pattern... until Thursday morning and our next round of testing is done, there's no reason to get too worked up.

I am sad that we didn't get "Hey, your baby looks perfect!!" today - but God is good all the time, and there is much to be thankful for.

Prayers for peace and health are much appreciated - I'll be sure to post an update when we have one.

the littlest one in the house

Meet our Littlest One!

15 Reasons Why I Love My Husband

Elizabeth has a sweet post up today about her husband, and encouraged others to do the same...

And I'd love to share a list of fifteen things I love about Mark with all of you...

But right now, one thing is stopping me:

He'd hate for me to post a public list of why I love him. He doesn't need that to be open knowledge, and would prefer that it just stays between him and me.

And so, because of that and so many, many other reasons... I will refrain from sharing my "list" with you in this space.

Suffice it to say that he is a man of integrity, humor, energy, wit and love - and I am beyond blessed to be his wife.

In the meantime - go read Elizabeth's list, because it's great.

sunshine and cake

The sun has been shining a lot (for MI in March, at least) this week.

I don't know anyone who hasn't been loving it.

My spirit and my thoughts are so much higher when it's sunny - and while I comprehend why that happens - I also find it mildly disturbing. Why should I be so fickle in my mood swings that I am notably more relaxed and cheerful when the sun shines? And isn't that a dangerous phenomenon in a state that only sees an average of 71 sunny days per year...

But the sorry truth is that my moods are extremely fickle - and not just when it comes to sunshine. Lots of things can throw me off - a cranky baby, messes in the kitchen, a bad night's sleep.

I've decided I want to focus more on tying my joy to things that are a wee bit more predictable. And I've been doing better at this, due in part to my attempt at giving up complaining for Lent (I'm pretty sure I fail every day, but I'm trying hard, and I do notice a difference).

I know that when my eyes and heart are trained heavenward, everything else becomes icing on the cake - and that's a great feeling.

The sun IS shining today, and I AM loving that, but... Today, I am saved by grace. Today, I can talk to my Savior and He will listen. Today I can read His words and get to know Him better. Today, I am madly in love with my husband, and madly in love with daughter, and madly in love with the Little One growing inside. Today, I sit inside a warm house with toys scattered on the floor - life and love are in this place.

Today, those things are my cake. Beautiful sunshine - that's just icing, baby.

worth a thousand words

Got to love playing outside after dinner.

full

Today was calm. Normal. I washed, dried & put away dishes... washed, dried & folded laundry (haven't put it away yet)... changed diapers, went for walks (yup, that's plural!), made meals, answered emails, wiped counters, wiped tears, chatted with neighbors, cleaned the living room fifteen or so times...

Ordinary. Regular. Usual.

And so very full. Every moment, every corner of my day, was FULL. Full of life and full of emotion and full of wonder and love and REALness.

God has put a sincere appreciation and quiet in my heart today - there are so many things about which I can (and do) choose to feel discontent. Silly things. Temporary distractions, faux essentials, misguided ideals.

Today, my heart recognized the abundance of true gifts in my life - and I chose to savor those above working myself up over the tiny "injustices" that sprinkle themselves throughout my days.

I have a warm house in a safe neighborhood. I am blessed beyond blessed to share my life with a man I find simultaneously hilarious, inspiring, and studly. I have a beautiful daughter who makes me laugh every single day. There is another precious little life growing inside me right now, and I get to feel it kick and wiggle and grow.

My list could go on and on... but I want to get back to savoring. Basking in the ordinary, soaking up the norm.

So full.

a day for the books

Yesterday... Thursday, March 12, 2009... Hazel figured out walking.

She's been taking one step and falling, one step and stopping to sit down, one step and falling again... for awhile now. She was having more fun being caught by her mama and daddy when she fell over than she was having learning to walk.

But yesterday she actually put together 8 or so steps and did not crash... she just stopped and stood there.

And I just have to say - baby walking is just about the cutest possible thing in the world. Her shoulders tense up with the effort, her feet lift high in the air and stomp back down again... and I had one of my first true I'm Such A Proud Mama experiences. She had to work to learn how to do this, and she had to try over and over again, and try hard.

Way to go, baby girl.

it's not LATE if it hasn't been a month since it happened, right?

Soo... here's some fun pictures from the past month (aka my baby's birthday!!)

(My Kid with a Bow on Her Head, My Kid with Cake All Over Herself, The Cow Cake I Made for One of her Parties, in Honor of Barnyard Dance, One of Our Favorite Books, and The Best Birthday Face You Ever Saw)

Enjoy!

the past few days... The End

It's kinda tough to say what kind of week it's been... is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?? I've survived tough moments, laughed out loud, shed more than a few tears, received dozens of baby kisses, woken to cries in the middle of the night and taken sweet afternoon naps with my little girl. Good and bad, tough and beautiful - there have been many moments.

I've found myself struggling a lot with self-esteem as it relates to my role as Mama lately. Turns out that I am a person who thrives on feedback - it doesn't have to be direct, but I do really love having some idea of how I'm doing... some kind of measuring stick.

Measuring sticks are strange things when it comes to parenthood. Doing a good job doesn't always feel good. Giving your kid what s/he needs doesn't always result in smiles and good sleep. Plus - 12 month old toddlers don't tend to give much feedback (except in the occasional point, whine, giggle, or scream - all left to your own interpretation).

The humbling thing that I've been realizing more recently is that my self-deprecation and doubt is a twisted-up form of pride. (Something I seem to struggle with a LOT).

I doubt my abilities as a mama.
I feel like I'm not doing it right, like I'm missing something.
Wouldn't someone else be better at this? What about all those other mamas out there who can handle screaming, crying, inconsolable babies at 1 in the morning - they must have something I don't have!

But when I doubt - when I question my role in this family - I am pulling my trust away from God and placing it in myself and in other people. However competent I am feeling from day to day...

God gave me these children to care for. He could have picked anyone in the world to be the parents of these precious children of His. He picked Mark and He picked me.

When I feel like I should be doing "more" than staying at home - I am demeaning an incredibly valuable role that God has been shaping for me. Really - these walls will represent the center of the universe for our kids for many years - the familiar place where they are loved, accepted, safe and cared for. How could I possibly think that my role as caretaker of our home and our children is any less valuable than any other job I could have??

I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with wondering whether I'm a "good enough" Mama - knowing that I could do better and wondering if I'll ever measure up.

I just pray that those thoughts and wonderings are always followed quickly by the truth - God is in control, He is faithful, He is wise... and He put me here.

What a relief.

Part Two... the past few days

(I'm gonna have to keep up with things here, otherwise there will be MANY more installations in "the past few days"... as it's now been almost a week... oh well).

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mama. I loved baby dolls, playing house and pretending to be a mommy. I don't recall being concerned in the slightest about the Daddy Figure until high school - it was assumed in my young mind that there was a Daddy, of course - but I didn't dwell on romantic notions of true love. It was all about Mama.

When I was old enough, I started babysitting - and loved it. I volunteered in the church nursery from junior high until last year. I led vacation bible school classes for preschoolers, watched other people's babies and small children, and loved snuggling little bodies close any chance I could get. People told me I was good with kids and babies - and I was. And I loved it. It was a calling that felt beyond me, almost... like I was born to hang out with little kids, born to be Mama.

By contrast, I didn't decide on the Academic Adviser career path until sometime in graduate school (a difference of two decades at least in terms of my Vocational Calling Timeline). That process was much more exploratory and experience-based. I knew from several previous jobs that I wanted to get a higher education administration degree. So I did. From there I gathered experience in Residence Life, Student Life, teaching and more - and decided to pursue jobs in academic affairs. Experience, thought and reflection led me to academic advising - not a burning passion or gift that I was born with.

Last Friday I spent a full day with my former peers and coworkers. We talked "shop" and I was transported back into the mindset of Professional Katie at her Old Job. People were glad to see me, still valued my input, and I was reminded that (despite my lack of "divine calling" to the profession) I had been a talented and respected member of the advising team.

When I juxtapose that feeling - that slightly wistful remembrance - with my hodge-podge of emotions regarding my New Job... I don't know quite what conclusion to draw.

You see, even though I dreamt of being Mama my ENTIRE LIFE, and had this so-called natural gift with babies... the reality of being a Mama exists in so many days that feel so very far beyond me. I am shocked - and often deeply unsettled, to be honest - at how frequently I feel grossly incompetent. I NEVER expected parenthood to be easy - but I did expect it to feel a bit more natural, more instinctual. But there are days when an incredibly fussy and tired baby simply cannot be talked into naptime... and there are nights when my baby daughter awakes, teething and in pain, and nothing - NOTHING - I do will comfort her.

I feel so lost in those moments - so unsure of myself and my abilities. It often seems prideful and silly in the light of day when things are running along smoothly... but the truth is that I sometimes seriously wonder why I'm not better at this. If I was so meant to be a Mama - why can I not comfort my child when she's in pain? Why can I not calm her down and lay her in bed for a naptime without shrieking and tears? Why do I struggle so hard to see the bigger picture, to gain the wider perspective... why, when I know that this is a phase, and a tough one at that, do I I feel so guilty for not enjoying myself more? I have been given a beautiful gift in this little girl, and the child growing within me... how selfish and self-involved am I that I do not revel daily in my ability to be at home and take care of them??

This is why Friday's experiences unsettled my brain so much. I felt myself longing for the easier days of my Old Job. Days when I knew how good I was, knew what was expected, knew how to get the job done and done well.

But I don't want to go back. I love my New Job and I intend to keep it for as long as possible. But in order to do that, and to do it well (something that is extremely important to me, no matter what the task I'm tackling) I have to be focused. I felt my gaze torn between professional life and home life last week - and I can't grow in this New Job if I'm torn. I need to re-center and refocus and find ways to delight in the day-to-day happenings of my current role. And that's way tougher to do than it was before.

Stay tuned for Part Three... hopefully the last installment! Thanks for hanging in there for so long today!

the past few days... Part One

Our weekend with the fam was good - thanks for all the happy thoughts and warm wishes! It was a ton of work, but I think that people enjoyed themselves and felt welcome and comfortable and glad to be around each other - and in the end, that's about all you can ask for.

My parents arrived Thursday afternoon, spent time with me and the Nut and then prepared themselves for Friday when they would be stepping into a role no one has truly held but me... All-Day Caretaker(s) for the BabyNut.

(As some of you may/may not know or remember - I've been working from home about 10h/week this (school) year for my old office in the College of Business. On Friday, the office was having a retreat day and they invited me/requested that I be present.)

So I left at 8:20 on Friday morning, not to return home until 3:30 or so - and (I know many of you will find this unthinkable) that is by far the longest I have been away from my girl since her birth. I know, it's weird... but when you're a nursing SAHM... there's not often a ton of reason to leave your kid for 7 or 8 hours at a stretch.

I had a great day. It was a little tough and strange to drive away with no humongous diaper bag and no carseat and no tiny person to look at in the rearview mirror... but a day among adults, talking about familiar things (that are currently completely alien to the life I'm now living),a tasty lunch buffet and some laughter with friends... it was a good thing. However, by a point somewhere near the end of the morning, I found myself feeling rather torn.

Here's the deal: Although it had its days (as all jobs do) - I really enjoyed my professional life. I liked my coworkers, I liked how I spent my days... and I was GOOD at it. I found fulfillment in my work and I received affirmation and satisfaction in tasks well done. I had passion and excitement and determination - and I think it showed and paid off.

Being back with those people, talking about what it means to do our jobs really well and reminding ourselves why we *love* the work we chose to do, even when it's hard... it started to tug at my insides a bit. Because I'm not in that work anymore - my New Job is not working at a large university, helping students make sense of their experience and providing complete and accurate academic information, planning events and enjoying school spirit... but as I sat there, the passion and excitement and determination came back to me. The reminder was both pleasant and unsettling - and here's why:

I have a New Job. I'm going to keep that New Job - I love it and I want it - and I don't want to "go back to work" - not even part-time. And with another bebe on the way - I am even more convinced that the New Job is the best possible place for me to be.

And because of that, I don't necessarily want to be reminded of how much I loved my Old Job and how good I was at it and how meaningful it could be (on the good days). That may sound crazy (and I think it is a bit)... but I'll have to fill you in a little more on my thought process in Part Two.

Right now, it's hubby's birthday and I'm going to go celebrate another year of his life.

worker bees

It's been a busy week. My family (parents, sister, brother & sister-in-law) are coming into town from IL this weekend to have a great big shebang for the BabyNut's first birthday. And my dad's birthday, sister-in-law's birthday, and hubby's birthday - which all fall within 2.5 weeks of each other. Phew!

I have been cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, organizing, straightening, scrubbing, wiping, grocery shopping, folding and putting toys away again and again and again.

And I think we're ready.

This blog will be a little quiet (big shock from the past week, I know!) for the next few days, but I promise to try very hard to not neglect my three or four faithful readers after that.

Have a lovely weekend - enjoy yourself and remember to find joys in the small moments!!

new world

I have a daughter.

How old is she, you ask?

She's ONE!!

Happy (late) Birthday, darling baby girl. You have grown my heart, my character and my love so abundantly this year. So many smiles, so many tears, so many heart-swelling moments have passed between us. I adore your face, your sweet smile, the way your eyes sparkle and the fact that whenever confronted with anything or anyone new, you frown.

It has been such a treat to watch you grow and change this year, Hazel Maryn. I am thrilled to be the woman chosen to be your mama - to get to watch your life unfold. God has big, beautiful plans for you, and I pray that you will learn to lean on Him and follow His path. I'm still working on that myself, but I will do my very best to show you how to seek Him, how to fall on His grace, and that no matter what - no matter what - He is good.

Here's to a heckuva year, little Hazelnut. Happy Birthday!

Most Improved Mama

Now I don't really know about the title Most Improved Mama - or who exactly I'd be compared to in order to earn said title - but lately, I'm noticing small areas of improvement in my Mama-ing skills.

Mark tries to tell me I was "born to do this" and that I'm a "natural." Ha. I'm naturally flawed and born to screw something up every single day... it's so much harder than I thought it would be. To know what to do, to wonder how to handle discipline of a child who cannot even speak yet, to get to the point of frustration where I just want to scream, to feel so small and insignificant in my little world of Stay-At-Home...

And yet, I see myself making progress.

The days when Mark is out of town are always hard. Normally - I look very forward to 4:30ish when he comes home - the parenting load can be split into two pieces. On the Daddy-Travel-Days... no such thing. By bedtime - both Hazel and I are in need of a break from each other. But it used to be so much harder. Maybe I'm more relaxed, maybe I'm better at finding little joys, maybe Hazel is more interactive and playful and that makes things easier... I'm sure it's some combo of these things.

But I do like that although we both miss Daddy VERY MUCH while he is gone... I do not dread the days I am alone with BabyNut.

Makes me feel like a Most Improved Mama.

Also gives me an inkling that I just *might* be able to handle being Mama of Two Under Two. (and since there's no turning back, that's a good thing!)

To close - some pictures of my precious, funny baby daughter - who will join the ranks of Those Who Have Turned ONE on Sunday. Behold:

The First Pigtails!









Smiley Faces










Happy Little SuperScooter!

it may be strange, but I love it

I had my 13-week appointment with my midwife today. (Sidenote: I pretty much love her. She works out of my doctors' office and is basically incredibly cool and friendly and really good at the whole bedside-manner thing. Something many of my doctors were NOT so good at).

I did the whole Step on the Scale, Pee in the Cup, Take the Blood Pressure, Any Questions? Thing and was waiting for Midwife to arrive to commence the actual appointment. I could hear through the wall what was going on in the next exam room... the voices were muffled, but there was no mistaking the sounds. The slow, rhythmic whoosh - whoosh - whoosh of the Doppler Thingymawhatsit, followed by rapid-fire whooshwhooshwhooshwhoosh of unborn baby's heart beating in its mama's belly.

And I just sat there, silently soaking in the beautiful sound of another woman's unborn baby's heartbeat.

I love that sound. Obviously, I love it a lot, and with a fairly personal reason when it's my own child... but there is such hope, such life in that joyful noise... it calms my spirit.

Now this morning, I did not get to hear my own child's heartbeat (Baby was a little too busy to be bothered with holding still for Midwife) - so I got a surprise treat and got to SEE Baby's heartbeat (and waving arms and kicky legs and perfect little face) instead.

And I've been floating on that all day.

It may be weird - but I love that office. I know that there are heartbreaking stories that unfold in those rooms (and I cried my own heartbroken tears there about two years ago now) - but that doesn't change for me the fact there is an undeniable and beautiful hope of life there. Pregnant women are constantly in and around the hallways - excited, nervous, exhausted - pictures of babies adorn the walls and the halls echo with the Doppler Thingymawhatsit's evidence of new life.

It's good for my soul.

what a difference a day makes

Tuesday night, Hazel was awake from 2:00am until 4:00am... and not just awake - screaming/crying/shrieking awake. And since we're still working on her learning how to fall asleep on her own (without a mama-milk date and without being rocked in the big, squashy blue chair)... those two hours were mostly full of Mark and I laying in bed, trying to not feel hideous and neglectful as our baby daughter sobbed in the next room (in between going in to check on her and reassure her that it's OK to fall asleep, which pretty much always only makes her cry harder).

Last night, I nursed Hazel as part of the usual bedtime routine (nap, pjs, nursing, storytime) and then again before I went to bed. The second nursing session terrified me to my very core because it involved entering her room, picking her up out of her crib and feeding her... and trying to do all that without really waking her up, and hoping that she'd fall straight back to sleep afterward. Our sleep battles have been so intense this last year - it's just so hard for me to touch a sleeping Hazel.

Praise God - I don't think she actually woke up at all, even though she nursed - she went straight back to bed without a peep, and then proceeded to sleep the entire rest of the night. And I was in bed so early that I was able to get up early, shower and spend some time in the Word BEFORE she woke up at 6:30. She got 11.5 hours of sleep, I got almost 8, and today has been a lovely day.

I don't know if it's too much to hope for a repeat, or for the installation of a new trend here... but my heart is a little lighter, knowing that there's some hope.


No matter what - this kid makes me laugh out loud every single day and she can't even talk yet! Sleepytime may be rough, but mamahood has some serious perks. I'll roll with the bad days and know that there's always tomorrow!

funny little contradictions

Opposites attract... so "they" say.

I'm not sure if I agree, or if I am more inclined to notice the white when it's set against something black... if the dark is shadowier because of the bright lights that are shining nearby.

This week has been full of small moments playing host to large contradictions. (While that sentence seems really cool when I read it, I'm sure it makes very little actual sense). Allow me to explain:

I have felt a bit used up, empty and dried out - Michigan winters coupled with endless household tasks can do that to a gal. The next thing I know, I'm feeling so very full of precarious emotion that it takes actual physical energy to keep myself in check (I'm sure some of this is hormone-related, but that doesn't mean my volatility is any less real). I could barely sing along with the worship team this morning at church because I just wanted to sit down and bawl.

Hazel's been a bit trying lately - we're still battling sleep issues (shocker!!) - the past two nights have been downright putrid, and her naps have been, if anything, worse than that. I felt like we were making such progress, and then to struggle so hard just to get her poor little worn-out self to get the rest it needs... it's disheartening. But this week has also been sprinkled with wonderful, God-graced times of laughter and sheer joy that I get to be her Mama... she is so smart and funny - growing and learning and displaying her spunky little personality. I just love watching her grow and change.

I don't think I could really describe this past week holistically... it's been ridiculously hard and wonderfully relaxing, a little monotonous and vigorously emotional, frustrating to the point of groaning out loud and so uplifting it makes me want to dance.

Really, I don't think these opposites are attracting each other - but I can find some joy and wisdom in their stark contrast.

I will walk through valleys and under clouds, knowing that there are still waters and rays of sunshine waiting for me.

I don't need to force myself to appear strong and together and happy all the time - but I do need to set my heart on the joy of the everlasting each morning.

Sometimes my days feel like a mini-war-zone... but I can guard my mind with the peace of God.

So here's to another week of funny little contradictions.

it's 7:25 in the evening and my eyelids, they are a-droopin'

Such is the unending glamour of my life.

My baby decided this week that 7:00pm would be her new bedtime (as opposed to 8:00pm), and to make up for it, she would enact an afternoon nap embargo.

I appreciate her ability to make independent decisions and stick to her guns, but I do wish I'd been consulted in the process. Being that, you know - she can't actually feed or bathe or dress herself, or put herself to bed. What she CAN do is sit in the middle of the living room floor and cry because she's so gall-dern-stinking tired that there's nothing else to be done but weep.

The plus side is that most nights, she tacks together 12+ hours of sleep (usually with one mama-milk-date in the middle, which I'm trying to weasel my way out of) - so at least she's not all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 5:00am or some such nonsense.

The earlier bedtime also cuts into my fiery nightlife... okay, that's not true at all. It has had no impact on my nightlife because I have none. I pretty much don't leave the house after 3:00pm. Really - it makes me want to go to bed at 8:15 because my survival instinct kicks in and my body starts warning me that if I don't sleep soon I might not get to sleep at all - because the baby, it wakes up!! So now I'm that mama that's tucked under her flannel comforter by 9:30pm AT THE LATEST every night.

You may turn green with envy.

On the other hand, it's not such a bad thing to be getting the extra rest these days, because - oh yeah - I'm growing a new person!! We're totally blessed and thrilled to be expecting Bebe #2's arrival in mid-August (puts me at almost 12 weeks preggers right now). There's a lot to get done to prep for becoming a 4-person-family in the next 6 months, but for now...
I must truck my lazy behind upstairs to soothe the cranky baby (who just went to bed 25 minutes ago and is now awake and crying for unknown reasons).

Have a lovely evening.

nothing's easy

Mark and I have, over our almost-10-year-journey as a couple, developed a few key catchphrases - usually words of profound and life-changing wisdom that can apply to virtually any situation.

Things like:

Sometimes... it's not about you. (most of the time, in fact)

No one will like you any less. (a good way to try to get your wife to try something new that she's afraid will make her look like a profound idiot).

It's not supposed to be easy.

This last phrase is the one that has seemed to surface in my mind the most in the last year or so... and not because my life has been monumentally difficult. We have suffered no major losses - we have a lovely, warm home - Mark has a great job that provides more than we need - we have a gorgeous, healthy baby daughter who is quickly growing up out of babyhood and into toddlerhood... the blessings in our lives are abundant and obvious.

But day to day, I find myself in small situations that just never seem to be easy. Naptime is always a bit of a struggle. Laundry regenerates itself daily. Sickness knocks the house down for a few days. Basements flood. Oh - and the one that is positively driving me batty right now - our house is a hotbed of static electricity. Seriously - EVERYTHING in this ever-lovin' house will zap you to kingdom come if you're wearing wooly socks (or wooly anything, for that matter).

Even though things aren't easy in my everyday life... things are GOOD. There are simple pleasures and deep joys to be found lurking under the not-easy roadblocks in my day. Today, I strive to remember that life as a stay-at-home mama may not be easy... but it is good. And in the end, I will choose goodness every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

from under the fog

Thursday brought an unexpected visitor to our house.

A very nasty visitor.

A vicious, 36-hour stomach flu bug.

Ugh.

I fell victim first - and I'll spare you the details, but let's just say things were vicious enough to make me drop 4 pounds in one day. (Don't worry, I'm eating again and it'll all be back in no time).

Mark left for Traverse City (for work) yesterday morning, and fell victim yesterday afternoon (quite the unfortunate timing).

So far (knocking VERY HARD on every wood surface I can find) BabyNut is just fine. She's happy and growing and being her regular silly and strong-willed self. Love it.

So we have emerged from under the fog of flu - and it's much nicer on this side of things. I feel rested and back to normal, and am hoping for a relaxing and fun Saturday with my girl (and praying for quick healing for hubby as he's away and working).

Just be on the lookout - it comes out of nowhere and will knock down anyone in its path.

up to my eyeballs

Sounds dramatic, right?
Really, the only thing I'm up to my eyeballs in right now is laundry. Heaping, growing, mounding, regenerating piles of laundry of every sort. Colors, darks, whites, washed, unwashed, folded, unfolded, towels, baby clothes... It's encroaching on my space and creeping across the floor.
Good thing I'm not prone to over-dramatizing.
In real news...

Today I enjoyed simple company of a good friend and her little guy, and the sweet companionship of my little lady. Sparkly smiles, bubbly belly laughs, and sweetly kissable cheeks made the insurmountable peaks of laundry less intimidating. Or at least, less important.

My sweet, kissable baby scratched my actual eyeball today - so I look like some kind of scary sea-monster with one all-seeing, bulging red eye and one normal, mascara-ed blue eye.

I am typing this post on my new, shiny green laptop... it's speedy and light and refurbished (meaning cheaper and recycled!) and I love it. My old computer was... well, old. 5 years, I think - which is pretty much Social Security age in computer-years.

Tomorrow we'll head to the grocery store... we were supposed to do that Tuesday. Sometimes things slip down the list. Whatever. No one here is starving. Yet.

sleeping update

Since y'all are so curious about my daughter's new sleep habits - here's the scoop.

In the past 7 months or so, I've read probably a half dozen different baby-sleep books. I tried different things, sometimes combining techniques, sometimes throwing them out altogether because I knew it wouldn't work with my parenting style and personality (or my kid's personality).

A few months back, I read The SleepEasy Solution - and I liked it, but didn't really put it into practice fully. At that point, I had found that I could nurse Hazel to sleep for naps and bedtime, and nurse her back to sleep pretty quickly when she woke up - and fighting a sleep-training battle just didn't appeal. I was finally getting decent sleep (albeit interrupted sleep) and I was relatively happy.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago - an exhausted mama sees no end in sight to the nursing "solution" - and Hazel stopped letting herself be nursed to sleep at naptime (nights still worked fine). But a non-napping baby is NOT good company. And since she's usually my only company during the day, something had to give.

So last week (officially, January 14th) we committed ourselves to following the steps laid out in SleepEasy for two solid weeks - and we were gonna do it for real. No wimping out, no adjustments. And aside from one night when we were traveling home from visiting family and threw off the schedule completely - she's been doing GREAT. I'm putting her to bed awake, and she fusses for a little, then is typically asleep in less than five minutes. She has a nap schedule (which she pretty much never had before) and a nice, regular bedtime routine.

The one really funny thing - she now starts to cry when you read her GoodNight Moon because that's usually the last book before we put her to bed. She knows what's coming...

At any rate - we're happy to have a baby that's sleeping well, sleeping on her own - and last night was the second time in the past three nights that she slept 11 straight hours without getting me out of bed. What a blessing!!

success!

At least - so far.

Hazel is now 11 months old. Some of you know that we've struggled with sleep (both nighttime and naptime) for most of her fabulous little life - whether it was sleeping on her back or her belly, or sleeping in her own bed, or screaming when she was laid down, or whatever... it's been a battle. The kid does not sleep easily.

Given that it's been roughly 7 months since she slept decently at night, I decided about a week ago that we needed to implement some kind of plan or program to try to get our little Nut sleeping through the night, and going to bed at bedtime and naptime without me nursing her to sleep. (She was nursing to sleep every time she went to bed, skipping one nap almost every day, and waking up 2-4 times a night to nurse.)

Last night (the third night of Operation Sleepy Nut) - she fell asleep after crying for about 3 minutes (HUGE improvement) and stayed asleep for 11 straight hours. (Not totally true - she woke up around 10:30, gave 2 little squawks and went straight back to sleep - I didn't even get out of bed). She is currently napping, after fussing for only a couple of minutes (another HUGE improvement) and will likely take a nice afternoon nap as well.

I cannot explain what a difference this has made the past few days. She is nowhere near as cranky - I have time during the day when the house is quiet and "empty" and - most important - I am no longer dreading the naptime/nighttime battle of screaming and tears.

I know we could relapse, and I don't want to jinx anything - but so far, she's done great and Mark and I are so encouraged by the progress... keep it up, little one!!

mama blessings

My daughter is asleep for the second time today. Two Whole Naps.

The sun is shining in my front window - and if I close my eyes, I can pretend it's not nine degrees outside and just bask in warm toasty sunlight.

I got to catch up with a dear friend today - she has a precious baby boy, Noah, who is just over a month old - it was so good to chat with her and hear about her life (for an hour!!). The joy in her voice is so evident - it was a wonderful reminder of how delightful mamahood really can be when you sit back and soak in it.

I had another fun phone conversation with a friend - unfortunately, she was having a rough day with her little guy (nothing a few brownies shouldn't be able to fix...) but it was also so reassuring that when one friend has a rough day, another has a good one - and you can buoy each other up while still totally being able to empathize. Just the other day things were flip-flopped. I like that we can call, chat for a few minute, laugh, and that I feel better when I hang up the phone. Thanks, Kim.

I had a great lunch out (with Hazel) with my friend Shannon - sharing mommy moments and work woes and laughing together. It was great to get out of the house, into the icy frozen tundra wasteland of mid-Michigan and eat a good meal with a great friend.

My husband is playing tennis with a friend right now - so he's about as happy of a clam as he could possibly be... and that makes me happy too.

I detoxed all my diapers yesterday (they were starting to having a lingering funkadelic smell even though I knew they were clean) - and now they are sparkly and fresh and begging to be used.

I got to shower and have some quiet Bible time this morning BEFORE Hazel woke up - that is virtually unprecedented... and it made my day. Starting off the day listening to the Lord, quietly soaking Him up... I could tell that it filled my cup that much more - so that all these other wonderful, unexpected blessings that have been brightening my day... they are making my cup overflow.

It's a good day to be me.

don't ask me

Hazel likes to help me with the laundry. And by help, I mean that she likes to pull dirty laundry out of the basket, pull fresh-from-the-dryer laundry out of the basket, and (best of all) uproot piles of clean, folded laundry and (you got it) pull them out of the basket.

This morning she was helping me fold her diapers (by pulling cloth wipes out of the basket) - and she's helped me like this for weeks (months?) now, so it's not a new pasttime. However, today she decided that everything she pulled out of the basket needed to be placed on top of her head. I don't know why (she wasn't exactly forthcoming with her reasoning). We don't usually play with laundry that way.

The best I can figure, she was playing "Where's Hazel?" by trying to cover herself up... but it was so stinking cute. I love watching her figure out her own games and silly things to do, and wondering to myself "Where on earth did she get that idea??"

what did you do this morning?

I spent 2 hours trying to get my baby to take a nap.

No one tells you about these parts of parenting. When you're pregnant, people can't stop saying silly things like "Your life will never be the same." No kidding. Even someone who has NO IDEA what they're in for with parenthood knows that life after a baby must look at least a wee bit different.

But no one tells you that you'll spend hours trying to get your very sleepy baby to actually sleep - no one tells you how often very sleepy babies refuse to sleep for unknowable reasons. No one tells you that there will be days when your Big Agenda (which consists of going to Two! Whole! Stores!) may be put on hold or even nixed because of a devilish little thing called naptime.

Really, it's probably good that no one tells you that. I'd never have wanted to hear that while I was pregnant, plus I most likely would have thought "That won't be me!" No, it's better to hold onto the sweet ignorance.

But the biggest bummer about not knowing is how alone you feel when it happens. You feel like a joke of a parent, completely unfit and incompetent... until you realize that it's happened to everyone. Every parent has those days, and every parent has felt alone and incapable of completing the "simple" tasks put before them.

I guess I wouldn't have wanted to know the true, harsh reality before my sweet little Hazelnut was born... but it's a shame that it takes that much longer to realize you aren't alone.

Plans for the afternoon: Let baby sleep as long as possible... then try to go to the Two! Whole! Stores! that were on my morning agenda.

back in the saddle

I've gotten lazy the past few weeks.

Between Mark being on vacation and spending time at my parents' house - I've had an unprecedented amount of help with diapers and baby-entertaining... I've been able to relax a little, and able to spend some time getting other things done without multi-tasking too much.

But we're back in the saddle, Daddy's back at work, and I'm realizing that it's time to get my sad little rear end into high gear (or at least mid-gear). Meal-planning, laundry, dishes and grocery shopping... naptimes, diapers, organizing... lots to be done.

But there's no sense in rushing the transition, right? So today, Hazel and I will start out slow with an easy dinner, a little laundry, and a date with some good friends of ours. Grocery shopping can wait until tomorrow, I say.

I have a few New Year's Resolutions/Goals/Notions that I'd like to share, but they're still tumbling around in my brain a little bit, so I'm gonna let them percolate and I'll spill them soon.

Happy Monday!

itchy and scratchy

Well, it appears that y'all cannot wait to hear about the hives my baby decided to get last week, so I'll indulge you with the whole, fabulous story. It's a doozie. (Warning: this story will probably only be even mildly interesting to other mamas - so don't feel compelled to read any further if you don't really want a dull story about my kid's skin).

Hazel, Mark and I went to my parents' house on Friday (the day after Christmas). My brother and sister-in-law joined us on Saturday and we had a lovely family Christmas celebration together. Mark headed home on Sunday, but Hazel and I had planned to stay until Wednesday (sounds like she and I sat down together and talked about it).

My dad has magical, boring, put-baby-to-sleep arms - so he does a lot of the putting-the-nut-down-for-naptime when we visit, because she hardly cries at all and it gives me a bit of a break. She was snuggled in for a nap on Sunday afternoon when she woke up a bit prematurely - and very sweaty (and unhappy about it). She'd been wearing a cute little fleecey outfit and had a heavier than normal blanket on, so it wasn't weird or anything... but I was trying to cool her off and make her feel better when I noticed a couple of hives on her face (on the side where she had been sleeping). Closer inspection revealed hives on her arms and shoulders... angry, warm, red itchy bumps. Poor baby. I did what any good mama would do... I got on Google and tried to figure out if I should be worried or not! (The answer is no - not unless your baby/child is having trouble breathing as well).

A dose of Tylenol quickly cleared them up, and she went back to being her usual happy self... but for the rest of our time at Nana & Papa's house, they'd flare back up again... usually when she'd been sleeping. We're still not really sure what was causing them - we ruled out food allergies, although there's a chance she's developed some kind of sensitivity to my sister's cat (which would be terribly sad, since he's awfully cute and doesn't like being cooped up away from people). Really - (according to Wise Old Google) most of the time no one knows why kids get hives. It could have just been a virus and hives were the only symptom, and they flared up when she was warm/sleepy. The baby Tylenol kept clearing them up, and she usually didn't seem too bothered by them (except at nighttime when they kept her - and me, by extension - from sleeping very well).

She hasn't had any since Wednesday, and I've been getting great joy out of looking at her beautiful, smooth, hive-free baby skin since then.

Thanks for reading - I'll come up with another doozie of a story about my life soon! :)

Hello 2009!

If anyone is still out there, habitually checking my lonely little blog - hello!!!

The holidays were a whirlwind - snow & ice, family, traveling, cups of hot cocoa, flood in the basement, building gingerbread "structures," hubby on vacation, hives on the baby, presents, sparkly lights, some crowded crazy moments and some quiet, peaceful ones.

I rang in 2009 by putting my baby to sleep and promptly following - I stayed up until a whopping 10:30pm. This mama is one tired cookie these days.

But life is adjusting back to its normal patterns - the Christmas decorations have been put away and the house is in its standard state of mild disarray. Ah, familiarity.

At any rate - I'm hoping to be back to my regularly scheduled programming, leaving wonderful tidbits of deep and delightful thoughts for you to ponder every couple of days.

How were your holidays??

spirit

I love Christmas. Always have.

I love Christmas carols and twinkly lights and roaring fires and snuggling under blankets and snowflakes and church on Christmas Eve... I love the joy and wonder and togetherness that threads its way into our lives for a few weeks every winter.

This year, I've had a hard time feeling like it's Christmastime - which was pestering me for awhile... until I realized what a silly and frivolous concern that was. I didn't feel Christmasy because my "previous life" always involved some sort of buildup and hiatus around Christmastime - finals, the end of school, time off work, vacations, etc.

This year - the day-to-day reality of my life doesn't change as Christmas draws closer - and I've been letting that make me feel un-Christmasy.

Shameful.

I have lots of thoughts and musings and ruminations and such floating and bouncing around my brain right now, but I'm going to give myself over, for the next few days, to focusing on what feeling Christmasy really means. On why I truly love this season, and what the arrival of our Savior in the form of a tiny baby means to me.

Merry Christmas!

popsicle toes

Last winter, I was roughly 7 months pregnant right now... carrying, um, a FEW extra pounds, and living inside a body that had twice its normal amount of blood pumping, what with keeping an extra human alive inside me and all. Suffice it to say that last winter - I was WARM. Always. I'd come home and bump the thermostat UP to a whopping 61 degrees... until right before hubby came home and then I'd graciously give him 64 (maybe 65) degrees. He was pretty chilly. I was sweating.

This year... I have popsicle toes. And fingers. And ears, nose, arms, legs... you name it. I'm CHILLY!!! And no - the thermostat is no longer set at 61 or 64 or even 65.

However - I still WANT to crank it up to 75 or so. Except for the fact that my gas bill would give me a heart attack... then I want to be good and green and energy-conserving and just bundle me and the BabyNut up nice and warm... but it's HARD to nurse a hungry baby when you're wearing umpteen bulky layers of clothing.

Yes, today - this is the drama of my life. I'm whiny about being cold. *sigh*

I'm going to go make some hot cocoa and find contentment in our warm house and all the abundant provisions God has seen fit to heap upon us this season. Perhaps a little gladsome thankfulness will warm up my frigid fingers.

a prayer request

On the second Monday of every month, a group of mommies get together to have lunch and talk about their pregnancies and/or child(ren) and just enjoy each other as women. Sometimes our kids come along, and sometimes the mommies are just on a nice lunch break from work. We've been meeting once a month since November 2007 when we realized there was a whole PACKLOAD of us at our university who were all pregnant and due within a matter of months of each other. It's been an absolute blast to hang out with those fabulous women every month - I've made new friends and kept in touch with old ones. And it's just a great sense of support - everyone is in the same Mama-Boat.

Well... I opened up my email this morning to find a note from one of my mama-friends regarding another one of our mama-friends and her 3-year-old boy.

Monica's son Luke was diagnosed with cancer on Friday - rhabdomyosarcoma - there is a tumor, and the cancer has also spread to his lungs and lymph nodes. Now I don't know much, but I do know that finding cancer in more than one spot is NOT a good thing. I haven't heard anything else yet about his prognosis or other tests - but I can hardly think about Monica and Luke (and her husband Sean and baby boy Connor) without crying. Cancer stories are supposed to be things I read about - distantly reminded that life is precious, while my own little world goes relatively un-rocked - cancer stories are NOT supposed to be happening to the 3-year-old son of one of my friends. In the blink of an eye she went from being an ordinary mama with two beautiful boys - to being mama with two beautiful boys, one of whom has cancer. I. cannot. imagine.

So, if you could - ask God to cover them with peace and healing... and (if you're like me) remind yourself that we take MUCH for granted. Nothing is guaranteed, nothing is certain - and so, so many things are good and precious. Children, health, family, friendship, generosity.

just a little proud of myself

I like to make presents. A lot. Especially when I can come up with things that are fun/easy to make and that really fit the person on the receiving end.

This Christmas, my nephews James (5 1/2), Johnathan (3 1/2) and Brody (1 1/2) get to be superheros. I just finished their capes this morning - and this may be one of the projects I'm most proud of. I think they turned out great - and I really hope they love "flying" around the house with their very own capes.

Plus - it's really nice to check a few things off "the list."

when it snows...

It's been a bit of a hectic week - hours and days seem to be jumping right by us, as is always the case this time of year.
Between birthdays and Christmas shopping and baking and present-making and picture taking and wakeful nights and fun fun road trips... I haven't had a lot of blogging time. However - we are all alive and kicking and doing just dandy (although one of us really wishes another one of us would sleep for longer than 3 hours at a stretch...)
Hopefully this week will give me a teeny bit more time to sort out some of my jumbly thoughts and put something enjoyable together for y'all to read here.
In the meantime, I'll go to my standard fall-back - pictures of the BabyNut. These are some of the outtakes from Christmas-picture-taking adventures last week...

effective v. efficient

Dear Amazon.com:

A package from you arrived on my doorstep last night - the kind of package only a strange, organization-obsessed gal like me would be eagerly anticipating. I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a laundry sorter (to be placed in the hallway just outside the laundry room so as to bring an end to the piling-up of random dirty textiles on the FLOOR. For some reason, I'm OK doing laundry for the house when I'm pulling it out of nicely sorted hampers... I have a strong negative reaction to picking dirty laundry up off the floor.)

Our friendly neighborhood UPS man set down the package, knocked loudly and simultaneously rang the doorbell (as only delivery men can do) before bolting back down our front steps. When I opened the front door to retrieve my package, I was stunned. Sitting upon my front stoop was a box the likes of which could have comfortably shipped ME around the world. What sort of laundry organizer was this??

Well, it turns out that I had in fact ordered a very normal sized item... but someone at Amazon.com got a wee bit overexcited at the packaging stage...

Behold:









Amazon - I value our relationship. I enjoy your low prices and speedy, often-free shipping. I am sure I will continue to order from you far into the future.

But SERIOUSLY - there is no need to send my laundry sorter (which is itself VERY efficiently and effectively packed in a nice, slim box) in a container the size of Texas, chock-full of brown packing paper. It seems like a bit of overkill.

Thank You.
~Katie